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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 4:44:47 AM

GoddessBlueKura

Posts: 29
Joined: 2/13/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Discussion on the other side and a gent wanted to know how to approach a lady...

So from what I gathered he wrote a woman here, though she hasn't logged in for a month nor checked her mails, he somehow tracked her down in the "real world" and thought about sending romantic messages with flowers or showing up. He thought it would be super romantic and she would be flattered.

I mentioned that it would really freak me out, and calling the police would be my most harmless reaction, because I would consider it really creepy and scary. I don't think he gets it, he believes that a woman would see it as super flattering and charming, that her profile inspired somebody to go through such great lengths.

It might work in the movies, but I can't imagine that anybody here would be delighted, I certainly wouldn't and I can imagine a number of other women who would also react pretty strongly. Just wondering if I am really off the mark here? Unless I tell somebody where I am and invite that person specifically, I would see any attempt to make contact outside of CM as an intrusion, one that would really freak me out.

I would respond with a baseball bat although I would take those damn flowers off his hands. I love gifts! lol

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 10:47:02 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I think the problem is, we know the back story of this dude.

No, that's not problem. The problem is that it's creepy when someone you don't know shows up on your door step..having no previous contact, and has gone out of his way to find out information about you that you haven't given out. Period. End of story.

quote:

As in, his trying to contact this domme he feels he would really really like, but don't have any other way to contact her except to show up at her door to introduce himself.

Then he puts on his big girl panties and accepts that they're not going to get introduced and moves on with his life.

quote:

And he really really likes her.

No, he doesn't. He doesn't even know her. He's seen a photo and a profile. It's obsessive and it points to some serious issues.

quote:

How else should he do this?

He's done everything that he should. He sent her an email, she has not been on to check it. That's the end of the story.

quote:

In the context, if he managed to get her to allow him to explain why he has done this, it's not that crazy but kinda sweet.

As someone with a degree in psychology, I strongly disagree. It speaks to some pretty hefty mental health issues.

quote:

What difference is this from a strange man just walking up to you on the street trying to befriend you?

I don't befriend people on the street. I'm courteous and will say "hello" but that's the extent.

quote:

Except that guy clearly approached you and tried to talk to you because he thinks you are pretty,

And that guy also would get treated the same way. Getting asked out for a date in a parking lot is creepy too.

quote:

and in this case, this guy really liked what the domme wrote and he really wants to get to know her better, and how else can he do this, if she closed her account.

You're missing the point, he shouldn't try to get to know her. She is no longer looking for people to contact her or get to know her better. He should respect her decision.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 2:48:38 PM

MsMJAY

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There is a guy on CM who has been stalking me (online) since 2009. I have blocked him but he seems to have dozens of profiles. I have asked him to leave me alone but he just keeps coming. I have changed profiles so many times but he always finds my new one and he always contacts me again and again. The last time was just a few days ago. He is convinced that he loves me, that I am his soulmate and that God himself has shown him that he is supposed to be with me in order to save my immortal soul. (yeah he actually told me that.)

I have never met this man. according to his profile he is a thousand miles away from where I live. I have never entertained this man online. I have turned him down from day one. I have told him that he is creepy and frightening and a stalker. He will say that he won't bother me anymore; go away for awhile, and then he just shows up again. He's convinced that if he just keep sending me his creepy poetry, and telling me how perfect he is for me, that one day I will fall madly in love with him. I tried clicking on the report a profile link in the message folders but there does not seem to be an option for "stalking." So I guess there is nothing I can do about it. Thankfully its just online. I believe he is mentally unstable and dangerous. If he ever found me realtime and showed up on my door I would consider it a threat and I would have no problem killing him to defend myself. (sorry if that statement is against TOS)

As far as I am concerned the guy in the OP is no different than the guy that keeps bothering me. They are not misunderstanding and they are not confused. They are self serving sons of bitches who would intrude on a woman because they think we are simple minded and don't know what we really want. That we really mean yes when we say no. That if they are just pushy and aggressive enough they can get what they want from us regardless of what we say. I have no sympathy for the man. (yes I am very biased on this.)

ETA- My situation is ONLINE stalking, specifically on CM.

< Message edited by MsMJAY -- 2/25/2014 2:56:28 PM >

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 2:53:12 PM

LafayetteLady

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Ok. I think the guy has some major issues. But....what if he searched for her profile over of FL, found she was currently active there and contacted her? Are we still in creepyville, or does that become ok?

Honestly, I think the guy has some issues he needs to deal with. I would not appreciate someone tracking down my home address, etc, because that's private. But FL is still kink related and there are people there with profiles here who no longer come here. So is it creepy for them to find you on another kink site and mention your profile here sparked their interest?

And we will take as a given that without invitation showing up at the door to your home or sending flowers or anything is out of line.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 2:55:20 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
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From: The Shire
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Finding me in real life is creepy.
Finding me on facebook is creepy.
Finding me here, on FL, or OKC, whatever, is not as creepy, because it would be the same info across the board- that I'm choosing to put out there.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 2:55:44 PM

LafayetteLady

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You report his message. I believe there is a button for harrassment, which is what he is really doing.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 3:04:34 PM

MsMJAY

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There is not an option for harrassment. The closest to it is "Threat" and the message has to contain an explict threat of harm.

If I reported it, all admin would see was a "sweet message" from a man in love.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 3:38:04 PM

LafayetteLady

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Then click the support button on the bottom and explain the situation asking them what you can do.

ETA: I will add that althoug it is possible for this guy to escalate, after 3 years, the odds are getting slim. Stop changing your profile which likely plays into his game. He is showing you he can find you. Try not changing it, don't read his emails and see what happens.

I'm not saying dismiss him as harmless, just don't play into his game which seems to be finding the new profile.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 2/25/2014 3:41:35 PM >

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 3:38:14 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

But....what if he searched for her profile over of FL, found she was currently active there and contacted her? Are we still in creepyville, or does that become ok?

It's more okay because it is a kink site and the profile is still active.

My only overlap of the two sites was a guy who contacted me here and when he didn't get the response he liked he told me that he had found my profile on FL and was going to tell everyone on my friends list that I was fake. Since everyone on my friends list knows me in real life, it wasn't an issue. Most of my friends lit him up since the contact annoyed them. I think the only reason he never contacted me again was that what he was trying to hang over my head had no weight.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 5:28:17 PM

MsMJAY

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Thank you. I was not aware of the support button. I will try that and I have refused to change profiles again. Its not like that helps anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Then click the support button on the bottom and explain the situation asking them what you can do.

ETA: I will add that althoug it is possible for this guy to escalate, after 3 years, the odds are getting slim. Stop changing your profile which likely plays into his game. He is showing you he can find you. Try not changing it, don't read his emails and see what happens.

I'm not saying dismiss him as harmless, just don't play into his game which seems to be finding the new profile.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 6:30:33 PM

LafayetteLady

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Good for you. I'm sure support will give you the direction and help you need.. after 5 years, I'm betting this is just a game to him to annoy you and make you create a new profile, a bit of a hassle.

Oside,

I figured most people would view that differently. And like kalikshama said earlier, it just seems more appropriate to contact someone on the fetish site and mention seeing their profile on vanilla than vice versa.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 6:45:32 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Discussion on the other side and a gent wanted to know how to approach a lady...

So from what I gathered he wrote a woman here, though she hasn't logged in for a month nor checked her mails, he somehow tracked her down in the "real world" and thought about sending romantic messages with flowers or showing up. He thought it would be super romantic and she would be flattered.

I mentioned that it would really freak me out, and calling the police would be my most harmless reaction, because I would consider it really creepy and scary. I don't think he gets it, he believes that a woman would see it as super flattering and charming, that her profile inspired somebody to go through such great lengths.

It might work in the movies, but I can't imagine that anybody here would be delighted, I certainly wouldn't and I can imagine a number of other women who would also react pretty strongly. Just wondering if I am really off the mark here? Unless I tell somebody where I am and invite that person specifically, I would see any attempt to make contact outside of CM as an intrusion, one that would really freak me out.

Now if the guy had game, he's make it so he "accidentally" encountered her somewhere and struck up a conversation, not letting her know he knew about her collarme profile.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 6:59:40 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Discussion on the other side and a gent wanted to know how to approach a lady...

So from what I gathered he wrote a woman here, though she hasn't logged in for a month nor checked her mails, he somehow tracked her down in the "real world" and thought about sending romantic messages with flowers or showing up. He thought it would be super romantic and she would be flattered.

I mentioned that it would really freak me out, and calling the police would be my most harmless reaction, because I would consider it really creepy and scary. I don't think he gets it, he believes that a woman would see it as super flattering and charming, that her profile inspired somebody to go through such great lengths.

It might work in the movies, but I can't imagine that anybody here would be delighted, I certainly wouldn't and I can imagine a number of other women who would also react pretty strongly. Just wondering if I am really off the mark here? Unless I tell somebody where I am and invite that person specifically, I would see any attempt to make contact outside of CM as an intrusion, one that would really freak me out.

Hell no about this being romantic. (Scary. As. Hell. And definitely stalkerish.)

Please give him the link to this thread and tell him that if he wants to know how other women would feel about it...you got that information for him.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/25/2014 7:07:16 PM

anniezz338

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He gone.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:00:41 PM

egern

Posts: 537
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

He reacted pretty strongly when I repeatedly told him that it is not a great idea and it's damned near stalkerish and certainly underhand, I'm now a meanie, he's playing the victim card and I just think the worst of people, blah blah.

I don't think he's dangerous, just seems to be incapable to understand that while he might see it as a romantic gesture, a woman would not perceive it as such.

It is not damn near stalkerish, it is completely so.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:02:23 PM

egern

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

he sees her as his soulmate (which is even more weird, it's an internet profile, she hasn't read his CMail, hasn't responded, hasn't been on the site for a month).

Red alert! That man IS dangerous!

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:16:05 PM

LadyConstanze

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I'm actually currently collecting resources for stalking victims, anybody who has anything, please hit me with it, I want to make a blog entry, it seems to be the "elephant in the room nobody talks about", I blogged about this guy and the emails I got were an eye opener, despite having had a taste of stalking myself and knowing of others, I was amazed how many people came out of the woodwork, it's epidemic!

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:45:41 PM

PeonForHer

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FR

Nothing to add, but a question: Does it help to explain to a stalker that what he's doing is causing grief, and why it's causing grief? Ever?

If so, what kind of explanation works?

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:50:35 PM

asanaambitions

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Peon, I'd say that most delusional stalkers, the sort who create a fantasy relationship with the object of their affection in their head, you can not reason with because they are beyond reason. Also normally trying to disillusion them of their fantasy can cause the person to get even worse, because they see it as an attack on the relationship (even if it's coming from the person they're stalking).

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:53:26 PM

LadyMondenschein

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How about if someone is sending you verbally abusive hate mails out of the blue, when you've never been aware of his existence before..and he does not even have an active profile?
He calls me a sick fuck...I reversed it on him, telling him he needed mental help, and that if he ever tried to come after me in real life, I'd be more than prepared to defend myself, even if it meant his demise.

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