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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 2:55:36 PM   
LadyConstanze


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

FR

Nothing to add, but a question: Does it help to explain to a stalker that what he's doing is causing grief, and why it's causing grief? Ever?

If so, what kind of explanation works?



Nope, remember we talked about mine, he thought he had to punish me for rejecting him, I had never even met him, I told him I'm not comfy being friends with somebody who uses the N word. We were internet friends, exchanged emails, never seen the guy in my life, and it turned out that all he told me about himself were lies...
Stalkers are just CRAZY, as in several fries short of a happy meal

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:06:23 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: asanaambitions

Peon, I'd say that most delusional stalkers, the sort who create a fantasy relationship with the object of their affection in their head, you can not reason with because they are beyond reason. Also normally trying to disillusion them of their fantasy can cause the person to get even worse, because they see it as an attack on the relationship (even if it's coming from the person they're stalking).


Right. Ok. Oh dear.

I keep recalling the line 'Neurotics build castles in the sky; psychotics live in them'.

I've been obsessed by certain females in the past - for me, this led to constant fantasies, and ongoing, painful sadness. One female was a girl at school, when I was only 11; the other was a woman at college, when I was in my early twenties. The feelings weren't any different.

But I knew, all too well, that they were fantasies. I'd have been aghast if the females in question even knew how I felt about them. Perhaps one way out of the painful sadness, for some, is to convince themselves that the fantasy is actually real. Oh hell.

But, pfft. In the end these are all hypotheses on my part. I don't feel I have any firm grip on what makes such people tick.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:10:20 PM   
kalikshama


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMondenschein

How about if someone is sending you verbally abusive hate mails out of the blue, when you've never been aware of his existence before..and he does not even have an active profile?
He calls me a sick fuck...I reversed it on him, telling him he needed mental help, and that if he ever tried to come after me in real life, I'd be more than prepared to defend myself, even if it meant his demise.


Sweetie, don't give him the satisfaction of a response. Just Delete and Block.

Think of him as a flasher going for a reaction.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:12:35 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Nope, remember we talked about mine, he thought he had to punish me for rejecting him, I had never even met him, I told him I'm not comfy being friends with somebody who uses the N word. We were internet friends, exchanged emails, never seen the guy in my life, and it turned out that all he told me about himself were lies...
Stalkers are just CRAZY, as in several fries short of a happy meal


That man was/is just a frigging lunatic. From what you said about him, I'd have considered him a potential danger even if he wasn't stalking you. Put it this way, if he and I got acquainted in some pub, and he were to give me some sense of his worldview . . . I'd never talk to him again. I'd size him up as a bomb waiting to explode.


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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:18:30 PM   
hlen5


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I'm actually currently collecting resources for stalking victims, anybody who has anything, please hit me with it, I want to make a blog entry, it seems to be the "elephant in the room nobody talks about", I blogged about this guy and the emails I got were an eye opener, despite having had a taste of stalking myself and knowing of others, I was amazed how many people came out of the woodwork, it's epidemic!


Please include the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:26:32 PM   
LadyConstanze


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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I'm actually currently collecting resources for stalking victims, anybody who has anything, please hit me with it, I want to make a blog entry, it seems to be the "elephant in the room nobody talks about", I blogged about this guy and the emails I got were an eye opener, despite having had a taste of stalking myself and knowing of others, I was amazed how many people came out of the woodwork, it's epidemic!


Please include the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.


Already included, excellent book, just thinking of any possible helpline and all that, I pretty much recall how scared and lonely I felt and how much it hurt that once you opened up to somebody (and even the police) the reply was "What have you done to cause it?" How can you explain what a weirdo does when you are on the receiving end of something you don't understand yourself? I honestly understand now why so many women don't report rape, if you're the victim and you have to show that you really didn't do anything to deserve it, it doesn't help, it only throws you a lot deeper into a black hole of depression.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:31:01 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

I pretty much recall how scared and lonely I felt and how much it hurt that once you opened up to somebody (and even the police) the reply was "What have you done to cause it?"


I hope I didn't ask that question. But I do remember casting around, thinking, 'Eh? How has this kicked off?'

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:37:18 PM   
LadyConstanze


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Status: offline 		You didn't ask it in so many words and when I told you, it already had gone on for so long, I made the mistake of thinking it would blow over and the mistake of deleting some mails, some read, some unread, because I simply wanted nothing to do with this sick individual, pretty much like a woman heading for the shower after a rape, in both cases the worst thing you can do as you really really want to keep a log on everything.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 3:45:03 PM   
DomDolf


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Status: offline 		Some may not think this guy is dangerous, but I think he might be. He got wound up when told he shouldn't do this, which says to me that he is emotional. That, in and of itself, can become dangerous. Couple it with the lack of boundaries and I'd be very suspicious of his ability to handle rejection.


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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 4:43:39 PM   
LadyPact


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Status: offline 		I haven't read the entire site, but this is one of their articles on stalking. http://www.pandys.org/articles/stalkingfacts.html The good thing about this article is they will allow you to reproduce it in it's entirety as long as it is unaltered and include their trademark.

Many familiar things on that list.


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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 8:22:18 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf

Some may not think this guy is dangerous, but I think he might be. He got wound up when told he shouldn't do this, which says to me that he is emotional. That, in and of itself, can become dangerous. Couple it with the lack of boundaries and I'd be very suspicious of his ability to handle rejection.

Good Point, let's hope his truly harmless.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 8:49:22 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
And that guy also would get treated the same way. Getting asked out for a date in a parking lot is creepy too.

This is seriously interesting especially when I see many Youtube videos of guys going up to random girls on the streets in the US and attempt to chat them up and get their number and is successful. Whether real or fake number, not too sure, but it feels like excessive paranoia to me, although, end of the day, we both did grow up in different environment with different experiences.

And just attending a band concert in LA, I already have random men, approaching me and talking to me, inviting me to stuffs after the show. So I assume this is normal in the US and people are very friendly. I joined a guy in Australia, at a concert too, random stranger, walked up to me, chat me up, we both liked the same band, hit it off, and we hang out later that night, it was cool. I usually go by my sixth sense with strangers, but I simply don't see it as creepy if some random dude out of no where approached me and talk to me, unless he starts behaving creepy, usually if they are warm and friendly, well, I haven't had a bad experience yet. Even at London too, they were like really chill and cool dudes, right in picadilly square, I was just walking around sightseeing, random dude invited me to join them at a club they were going, nothing happened, we had fun and became friends.
quote:

You're missing the point, he shouldn't try to get to know her. She is no longer looking for people to contact her or get to know her better. He should respect her decision.

Someone could close her profile for multiple reasons. That's just one of the possibles. One thing I learn in life is that, the most obvious reason to me may not always be the actual reason. Always good to find out for sure. Perhaps I just don't think it's crazy to give your best shot to try to get to know someone that you found very attractive, whether because of writings or appearances. It's better than you tried and failed than never know. Maybe I'm just a romantic.

This whole exchange reminds me of this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtSZcx6Uyjo




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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/26/2014 9:05:52 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
but if a guy sees you on the street and follows you home, follows you around, you'd call the cops.

Yes this is for sure, especially after you already told him, not interested.

quote:


Flowers and "hidden messages" aren't a good way to approach a complete stranger!

I'm just trying to think what could he do that won't freak her out. Yea most women will be creep out by a total stranger giving them "gifts". But at the same time, I've had super shy awkward boys back in the equivalent of a US highschool, kinda just innocently "stalk" me from afar. And then sometimes, just walks up to me, pass me a gift and walks away. But they were harmless, just socially awkward. I wasn't mean to them, just walk up to them and thank them for the gift. And they are like freaking happy, just to hear a "thank you". It's mostly harmless. I just think there are alot of socially awkward people in this world and we need to be kind to them. This guy clearly has no proper social skills to think what his gonna do is okay.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/26/2014 9:09:07 PM >

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 6:40:22 AM   
CatharsisKentUK


Posts: 31
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Status: offline 		I spent about 18 months with a guy who turned out to be the wrong kind of controlling. I was very naive about kink still and missed several glaring red flags. After I split from him I started seeing him everywhere and especially his car which had foreign plates. I went to his family, who I knew quite well and explained what was happening. I told them they either talked him round or I was going to report him to the police.

I found myself getting annoyed and frustrated, because my mother kept asking after him. She had the very early stages of dementia at the time but even though I kept telling her we had split up, every time I visited her she would ask about him. Months later - after I sought and won a restraining order against him - I finally realised that he was still visiting mum and drinking coffee with her, so that he could ask about me. I was incandescent. I have never been as angry before or since. I rounded up some friends and went to his flat mob-handed. I needed to give him a piece of my mind and to tell him first hand just what a psycho he was being. I needed to see him with my own eyes, to realise just what he was. He moved away from my town the following week.

It came out later that he had previous convictions in his home country for stalking, harassment, assault and false imprisonment. I did not meet him online but since then I'm a hell of a lot more guarded about personal info and about safety in general. Being open to what vanilla people would consider abuse and even to what a lot of kinky people would consider abusive, I'm basically asking for so much trouble. I'm aware of that and I mitigate it where I can but it's frustrating. And every time whatever man I'm chatting to will say 'well it doesn't matter whether we meet in public or whatever, at some point you're just going to have to trust me.' But what they don't realise is that it's not really them I trust in. I never trust them. What I need to trust in and can't is my own judgement. The very fact of what I seek means that my judgement is skewed at best and irretrievably flawed at worst.

But hey, you only die once, right?

Getting back on topic, there are zero circumstances where tracking me down in real life from a kink profile is going to be ok. If someone cannot see on how many levels that is just totally wrong, how the hell would you ever risk yourself with them? Even if he is sub and the woman is domme, that doesn't put her at less risk. Psycho is psycho and people who have gone to that degree of obsessive trouble are not going to be deterred by something as trivial as rejection. Rule number one - the first and only rule that really matters where kink is concerned - is that boundaries must be absolute. Boundaries are the whole basis on which consensuality is based. Nobody prepared to go to unsolicited extremes like this is going to prove capable of respecting any other kind of limit. That's why this deluded fantasist is so dangerous. Nothing else matters for him but getting what he has decided he wants, certainly not the welfare of the poor object of his delusions.

Like another poster said, he's obsessive, unbalanced, irrational and manipulative/self victimising. Self victimisation is an irrational way of exonerating oneself and once that is achieved a person can't see the wrong it what they're trying to accomplish. In my view he has a serious mental health issue and needs immediate professional input. In my view he constitutes a danger to women.

I would hand whatever messages and info to the police. Even if he has deactivated his account, would it not be possible for techie-boffins to trace him through an IP address or something retrospectively?

< Message edited by CatharsisKentUK -- 2/27/2014 6:55:40 AM >

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 6:42:13 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		A stranger approaching me in public is not a problem, provided there are witnesses.
A parking lot is different, assuming there aren't many (if any) people around.
It's creepy and sends warning signals that there's a reason he wants to be alone. If I don't know a person, there's usually no good reason to be alone.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 6:54:07 AM   
Greta75


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Status: offline 		The only very negative person I have ever met in my life was ironically from collarme. But he didn't stalk me, he stalked the people I cared for to blackmail me into doing what he wants me to do.

I met him when I just found out my x-husband cheated on me, so I wasn't in the best shape of my life to exercise the best judgement.

I think end of the day, all you can do is, learn from it, especially those glaring red flags you missed, next time you will notice them and learn to weed out the genuine from the dangerous better. So don't beat yourself up over it. It's all part of life and learning.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 7:04:27 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
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Status: offline 		Greta, I don't know about China, but in Europe and the US stalking is a major problem, especially because the victims are often manipulated into feeling guilty, like they have done something to encourage the guy, almost everybody will ask the women if they led the guy on, blah blah.

It's a violation of your privacy, it's terrorizing a person, it's not a just "move on" thing, it has an impact in a person's life.

I've researched it over the past few days and checked statistics, in the UK alone 1 in 6 women has been stalked, the "ignore it and it will go away" approach has been shown as false, because in most cases it escalates, it is pretty important to involve the police and to be able to document everything. There is a website called trustyourinstinct.org, and they tell you exactly that, trust your instinct, don't worry about being paranoid, if it feels threatening, it often is.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 7:13:03 AM   
CatharsisKentUK


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

The only very negative person I have ever met in my life was ironically from collarme. But he didn't stalk me, he stalked the people I cared for to blackmail me into doing what he wants me to do.

I met him when I just found out my x-husband cheated on me, so I wasn't in the best shape of my life to exercise the best judgement.

I think end of the day, all you can do is, learn from it, especially those glaring red flags you missed, next time you will notice them and learn to weed out the genuine from the dangerous better. So don't beat yourself up over it. It's all part of life and learning.


Yeah, I know what you mean. If it was simple as just beating myself up, all my problems with security would be over.

I was very angry at myself, that I didn't take the measure of him sooner. That I didn't end things sooner and that I didn't react more vociferously from the get go when it became clear he wasn't about to just leave me alone. I was too lenient in approaching his family first and giving him another chance. When I heard about the stuff he had done before, let's just say I had a very lucky escape, even though I was really too slow to react. I tend to have an inflated idea of my own toughness and emotionally I may be but physically I'm still a petite woman that most men can smack around like they're swatting a fly. I'm not wholly defenseless but neither am I capable of posing much of a threat. I tend to square up rather than back down and I'm fearless because of what I know I can take, rather than because of what I know I can dish out. This is not something that ever does me any favours.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 9:16:42 AM   
Secretdamsel


Posts: 39
Joined: 1/23/2013
Status: offline 		It happened once. I was NOT happy.

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RE: How would you react, ladies? - 2/27/2014 1:49:46 PM   
mudblond


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

Dudes like that have something upstairs that doesn't 'click' on approved societal norms,

Yes, it is the triumph of fantasy over empathy/realism. How else can anyone explain such dysfunctional and inept behaviour?



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