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Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 12:20:50 AM

Villanite

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: Villanite
Status: offline

I wasn't sure whether I should put this under the Ask a Master/Ask a Mistress or the Ask a Sub/Slave section... So I'll just put it here.

I'm 23 years old and since the age of 17 have been working professionally around adults who are 30+ as a programmer. I'm very used to being surrounded by adults older than myself and because of it have more or less mentally matured more than the people my age around where I live. However, despite this, my age still seems to play a factor in my search for a sub. Many subs are looking for older partners, my age tends to turn some of them off and it's slightly disheartening. I have a job, a house and a car, so far I've done well for myself and yet people simply look at the number of my age.

So... I guess I'm just wondering if I'm too young to be hopeful of finding a sub who I can relate with in those vanilla moments. I feel like a lot of subs my age are in it simply for the sexual excitement. Obviously, this plays a big role in the life style, but I can't help but think that many of them are still turned off or just scared by the idea of anything long term or emotionally committed. The way I see a relationship between a Dom and sub is a relationship of pure, limitless trust. Is this just a delusion of mine, am I fishing in the wrong sea, or am I just being pessimistic and/or impatient?

< Message edited by Villanite -- 2/27/2014 12:27:39 AM >

_____________________________

Whilst you remain in this world, in this life, you are bound by destiny, tied down to your fate. Come with me, my child, let me release you from destiny, let me embrace you, put your fate in my hands.

Post #: 1

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 2:53:52 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

I don't think you are necessarily "too young" (especially for a partner similar to your own age,) but others may have a different answer as everyone has their preference.

Many people look to age as a general marker for maturity and/or competence (and in most cases, it's usually a decently accurate generalization)...and as such, a lot of people may overlook you because of your young age. You need only wait for those who will actually get to know you before passing judgment on whether or not they'd be interested in you for a long-term dominant partner. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places? Not everyone your age will prefer a partner much older.

For reference, I myself am only 21 and my Master is only 24. To me, our similar age is a positive thing. It makes it easy to relate to each other, as we are in the same "place" in our lives; as we grow as people we are on the same point on the path rather than at radically different stages.

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 2

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 3:34:20 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

I think you are young. Too young? Not sure. I DO know that if you are going to start experiencing WIITWD, that you had better be responsible. Read a LOT. Go to munches and meet real people who live this every day. Get an older Dom to mentor you.
When a submissive is choosing who she/he is submitting to, we want to see: maturity, self-control,self discipline, accountability. All qualities that you LEARN and EARN. Can you do this?I think probably yes. But you had better start slowly, be clear with any subs exactly what your experience level is. Be honest with yourself about your experience level. It is time to check your ego at the door. Don't pick up a whip, if you have never given a otk spanking. Don't take over a subs finances if you can't balance your own checkbook. Walk before you run. And stick with searching for someone within a year or two of your own age.
Good luck!

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Post #: 3

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 3:37:45 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

That pure limitless trust isn't given straight away, I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect it at the drop of a hat and just handed over to you. BDSM relationships aren't different from other relationships, they do require a lot of work and are works in progress.

Have you tried going to munches and all that? You know interacting with people and showing them that you are mature for your age and all that.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 4

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:13:40 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I looked at your profile. Yep, it shows you as being young. You're not self-aware and sound like a disaffected kid, not a computer professional with a career like you self-described.

1. Your main pic shows that you never thought about what your pic should do for you. You don't look happy, and the camera angle is weird.
2. Your profile starts off whining about the fakes on the site, and it says that you're losing motivation.
3. "I don't think I can count how many times I've updated this profile..." again, sounds tired and complaining.
4. "Yes, I have goals in my life, plans, turn ons and turn offs. But what's the point of putting all that here, anyway?" Why the heck would you put that there? If your post here says you want to share vanilla moments, why not describe the vanilla you?

Your journal entries aren't happy, either. The post above describes you better and in a more positive light than your profile does.

Try something like this:

Hi! I'm Villanite! I work as a programmer, and my hobbies include going to comedy shows and clubs, and I LOVE music. And if you have tattoos, tell me about yours and I'll tell you about mine.

I'm half Cuban, and I speak Spanish a little. If you speak it too, I'd love to get some practice in.

I'm looking for a sub or switch woman with a career, a good head on her shoulders - like a female sub version of myself.

Cheery, informative. Wimmins LOVE conversation, and a conversational tone works well.

Welcome to the site!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 5

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:22:43 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

So... I guess I'm just wondering if I'm too young to be hopeful of finding a sub who I can relate with in those vanilla moments. I feel like a lot of subs my age are in it simply for the sexual excitement.

Usually it's women your age complaining that the men their age aren't mature enough :)

How are you meeting these women? At your age, you may have better luck at a TNG group than online. Try using fetlife.com to find groups near you. (Collarme has better search features for people; Fet is better for finding events.)

Also, I think DarkSteven's advice was spot on.

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 6

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:24:22 AM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

Perspective.

You are too old for the things you've already outgrown, like kindergarten and first crushes.

You are just right for getting mentored, getting your er, feet wet & learning the ropes.
(This is and should be a constant process of learning, no one is perfect.... at first)

You are too young for some things.
Being wise enough to ask is a good clue that time will alter your perspective.
Read, read, read. I can't urge that enough.
Do not subscribe to or believe in everything that you read though.

I shoot straight from the hip and I am NOT going to be politically correct and tell you that you are not too young.
Yes, for some things you are too young.
Someone wise once said: You do not hand the keys to a Ferrari to a teenager.

You'll be fine.

< Message edited by Toysinbabeland -- 2/27/2014 5:29:04 AM >

_____________________________

*Smitten fox* that's all you need.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:30:37 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Welcome to the discussion side Villanite. Steven gave you some excellent feed back on your profile, please consider taking it.

You are located in FL, one of the kinkest states in the union. Get yourself to a munch and get some real time experience. It's the single most important thing you can do to greatly improve your chances.

_____________________________

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 8

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:36:06 AM

CatharsisKentUK

Posts: 31
Joined: 2/22/2014
Status: offline

There's a difference between young and inexperienced. I know you feel like it's a chicken and egg situation right now but there is still much you can do to broaden your mind on the theory. Profiles are often difficult to pitch right and mine is downright combative in places, despite the fact I'm a maso. You basically have to ask yourself what kind of women you want contacting you and then try to think of reasons why they might like you. Mention a vanilla hobby or two so that you find some common ground. Try to give an insight to your personality and the kind of dynamic you're looking for. Looking for a 'sub' is a bit simplistic, because there are many facets to submission and sub girls can no more be all things to all men than you can be all things to every sub that crossed your path through cyberspace. Why should a sub with half a brain and an ounce of maturity contact you? On sites like this you have to sell yourself a bit.

(in reply to Toysinbabeland)

Post #: 9

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:39:34 AM

SweetAnise

Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline

I personally think you're too young. I know people called me a old soul when I was much younger but still there was so many things about life I did not get. I think you can find anyone you want but you also have to be willing to understand that some people will feel you're age will be a major factor on how you treat them. Some subs find it personally degrading to submit to someone who is younger than them while others will not.

One biggie...stop posting you disappointments on your profile- big turnoff for many. A sign of immaturity. Welcome to the discussion forum.

< Message edited by SweetAnise -- 2/27/2014 5:41:23 AM >

_____________________________

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."-Marianne Williamson

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 10

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:40:17 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

I'm your ageish.

but I think your profile is pretty negative and whiny- and I think your photo points to that as well.
A more positive, less defensive tone would work great, and a more lighthearted photo.

I really like DarkSteven's advice and hope you consider using a more conversational tone as he suggested.

(in reply to CatharsisKentUK)

Post #: 11

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:47:52 AM

CatharsisKentUK

Posts: 31
Joined: 2/22/2014
Status: offline

Hmm... I think if you're going to go with a very moody looking photo, you need to write something a little more light-hearted to offset that. Moody pic plus moody profile just reads as a bit petulant. I completely understand your frustration with fakers but putting that on your profile is like being mistrustful of a new girlfriend because the last one was unfaithful. Genuine girls are not going to find it hot or horny when they're given the third degree because you've been burned before. You don't come over as all that approachable, if you're after constructive criticism.

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 12

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 6:34:27 AM

Coupleator

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/27/2014
Status: offline

Just in case I'm not the only one who didn't know what "petulant" meant ..........

quote:

pet·u·lant
adjective \ˈpe-chə-lənt\

: having or showing the attitude of people who become angry and annoyed when they do not get what they want
Full Definition of PETULANT
1
: insolent or rude in speech or behavior
2
: characterized by temporary or capricious ill humor : peevish
— pet·u·lant·ly adverb
See petulant defined for English-language learners »
See petulant defined for kids »
Examples of PETULANT

Her tone was petulant and angry.
<a petulant and fussy man who is always blaming everyone else for his problems>
Oxford's denial of her [Margaret Thatcher's] honorary degree in 1984 was no petulant fluke but an accurate measure of her unpopularity with the whole profession. —Harold Perkin, Times Literary Supplement, 26 June 1992
In the hot, petulant little cockpit she was triumphant—drunk with anger, defiance, and the beginnings of relief. —Sebastian Faulks, Independent on Sunday (London), 25 Nov. 1990
Sometimes, under … rapid-fire questioning, he became petulant and quibbled over words in a way that suggested a close reading of the law. —Frances FitzGerald, New Yorker, 16 Oct. 1989
Mouth petulant but its hardness in it, behind it. Looking at that mouth you felt her teeth in you … —Jayne Anne Phillips, Black Tickets, (1975) 1979
[-]hide

Origin of PETULANT
Latin or Middle French; Middle French, from Latin petulant-, petulans; akin to Latin petere to go to, attack, seek — more at feather

(in reply to CatharsisKentUK)

Post #: 13

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 10:47:34 AM

Inghammar

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

DarkSteven stole my thoughts, made them legible, and then posted them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I looked at your profile. Yep, it shows you as being young. You're not self-aware and sound like a disaffected kid, not a computer professional with a career like you self-described.

1. Your main pic shows that you never thought about what your pic should do for you. You don't look happy, and the camera angle is weird.
2. Your profile starts off whining about the fakes on the site, and it says that you're losing motivation.
3. "I don't think I can count how many times I've updated this profile..." again, sounds tired and complaining.
4. "Yes, I have goals in my life, plans, turn ons and turn offs. But what's the point of putting all that here, anyway?" Why the heck would you put that there? If your post here says you want to share vanilla moments, why not describe the vanilla you?

Your journal entries aren't happy, either. The post above describes you better and in a more positive light than your profile does.

Try something like this:

Hi! I'm Villanite! I work as a programmer, and my hobbies include going to comedy shows and clubs, and I LOVE music. And if you have tattoos, tell me about yours and I'll tell you about mine.

I'm half Cuban, and I speak Spanish a little. If you speak it too, I'd love to get some practice in.

I'm looking for a sub or switch woman with a career, a good head on her shoulders - like a female sub version of myself.

Cheery, informative. Wimmins LOVE conversation, and a conversational tone works well.

Welcome to the site!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 12:18:06 PM

MercTech

Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

I was where you are many many moons ago.
Just past my 21st birthday I found myself supervising a bunch of 30+ workers.
What I did was to grow a beard so I looked a bit older. I dug out music from their era and became familiar with it. In other word, I sought out a bit of historical context for the guys that I worked with.

In this old fart's case, it was having a close look at the 50s and 60s so I could relate. I could compare the records of Joe Namath and Johnny Unitas. I found I actually liked doo wop music.

It is hard being a youngster among older co-workers but if you make an effort for some common ground you may find you fit into the team quite well.

On the kink side, it is common ground as well. Gad, when I was 22 my girlfriend was 42. I learned a lot. <grin>

(in reply to Inghammar)

Post #: 15

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 1:02:27 PM

GoddessBlueKura

Posts: 29
Joined: 2/13/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Villanite

I wasn't sure whether I should put this under the Ask a Master/Ask a Mistress or the Ask a Sub/Slave section... So I'll just put it here.

I'm 23 years old and since the age of 17 have been working professionally around adults who are 30+ as a programmer. I'm very used to being surrounded by adults older than myself and because of it have more or less mentally matured more than the people my age around where I live. However, despite this, my age still seems to play a factor in my search for a sub. Many subs are looking for older partners, my age tends to turn some of them off and it's slightly disheartening. I have a job, a house and a car, so far I've done well for myself and yet people simply look at the number of my age.

So... I guess I'm just wondering if I'm too young to be hopeful of finding a sub who I can relate with in those vanilla moments. I feel like a lot of subs my age are in it simply for the sexual excitement. Obviously, this plays a big role in the life style, but I can't help but think that many of them are still turned off or just scared by the idea of anything long term or emotionally committed. The way I see a relationship between a Dom and sub is a relationship of pure, limitless trust. Is this just a delusion of mine, am I fishing in the wrong sea, or am I just being pessimistic and/or impatient?

Actually the subs that are in it for the "sexual excitement" are of all ages. You'd be surprised how many 60 year old keep offering "oral" as some after dinner snack on here. Just got offered "benefits" of vagina and anal licking as if that's something I so need to have. That's the 30-40s group. Honestly I say train men your age and grow into your kink tastes together. Go to events and meet others in your age group under TNG: The Next Generation.

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 16

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 2:52:01 PM

slavekate80

Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline

It may be a little more challenging to find a sub at 23 than if you were 5-10 years older, but it's not going to prevent you from doing it, if you have adult-level maturity. You will find that many, though not all, of the submissives who are attracted to you are a bit young themselves, twenties or even the legal range of late teens. And flaky behavior (which is usually bad) and a tendency to avoid committed relationships (not good or bad on its own, but it seems you're looking for something longer-lasting) are a little more prevalent in the 18-25 crowd than 26-30 or beyond, though that's not an absolute.

It's the same in vanilla dating; it's not solely a D/s phenomenon.

I can't speak for all subs, but here's my personal take. I'm 33, and I definitely would give a man 10 years my junior a fair chance. However, the content of the first message - and his profile - matter a little more than for an age peer. If his message and profile show confidence and are well-written, then age does not matter. If the message is full of chatspeak or he otherwise seems unserious, then I close the window and go on. That's true no matter how old the message sender is but for much-younger men the bar is a little higher.

One tip would be to leave the negative stuff about fakes and lack of motivation off your profile. If you absolutely must include it for some reason, keep it very brief and near, but not right at, the end.

(in reply to GoddessBlueKura)

Post #: 17

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 2:57:31 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Hi OP,

Speaking very broadly, submissive women are looking for men who are older, taller and broader than they are, because they enjoy "feeling small." Vanilla women tend to prefer men who are slightly taller and older as well, but I've found it more pronounced with sub women. Though I did date a bedroom sub who wanted someone who was exactly the same height as her. She enjoyed the fact that she could lock eyes with me. That was nice.

And... I'm on the low end of average height, but I've been able to date women who are at least bedroom sub, and who are taller than I am. It's because I was able to bring other things to the relationship that they were looking for. People make exceptions for you if you are exceptional in their eyes. So excel in whatever ways you can excel, and the right woman will appreciate that, and be less interested in how old you are.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Villanite)

Post #: 18

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 5:47:11 PM

OvidInDallas

Posts: 36
Joined: 2/18/2014
Status: offline

Hi Villanite,

Read these two sentences again:

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
People make exceptions for you if you are exceptional in their eyes. So excel in whatever ways you can excel, and the right woman will appreciate that, and be less interested in how old you are.

This is the best answer to this and worth emphasizing:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Villanite
The way I see a relationship between a Dom and sub is a relationship of pure, limitless trust. Is this just a delusion of mine, am I fishing in the wrong sea, or am I just being pessimistic and/or impatient?

If you view the relationship as one of pure, limitless trust then you should make sure you are someone that a sub could put that trust in. Right now you don't seem to be that person. For example, you say:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Villanite
I have a job, a house and a car, so far I've done well for myself and yet people simply look at the number of my age.

And also:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Villanite
I feel like a lot of subs my age are in it simply for the sexual excitement. Obviously, this plays a big role in the life style, but I can't help but think that many of them are still turned off or just scared by the idea of anything long term or emotionally committed.

Indicates to me that you are blaming flaws in women who reject you for why you were rejected. You are not too young for a D/s relationship (I had my first when I was younger than you). However, you might be too immature. Instead of finding reasons why it is other people's fault for you being rejected, think about what it is that you had to offer that they are rejecting. A submissive isn't going to put the kind of trust that you expect into someone who has such an external locus of control and seems to expect unconditional love while offering little up that would be worthy of that love. Many women your age do want relationships, just because they are rejecting you for a relationship doesn't mean they aren't.

You have a job, a house, a car. Those are all things. Things that a lot of people have. Things that a lot of women have. What do you offer that only you can offer? Do you have a skill that is fun? Do you tell funny jokes? Can you engage in interesting discussions on a variety of subjects? Do you know how to pair food and wine? Can you do magic tricks? Are you fun to be around?

Make yourself a better person and women will be attracted to that. People will be attracted to that. I know this sounds harsh, but I am honestly trying to help. Really think about what you have to offer that isn't money or your kinks. If you were a woman and you had every Dom (or even every guy) in your area to choose from, would you really pick you based on your profile or the image you project to people?

Helpfully,
Ovid

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 19

RE: Am I too young? - 2/27/2014 7:55:12 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Inghammar

DarkSteven stole my thoughts, made them legible, and then posted them.

He's done that to me, too !!!!!!

_____________________________

(in reply to Inghammar)

Post #: 20

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