How important is security in a D/s relationship

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How important is security in a D/s relationship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> How important is security in a D/s relationship

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 5:31:29 AM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

Is security in a D/s relationship as important love, sexual satisfaction or the desire to serve? Or more?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 6:02:25 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Wouldn't that depend on the individual?

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 9:32:04 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

The importance of security in a BDSM relationship is as important as in any relationship and as LC says, depends on the individuals.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 9:36:07 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

The importance of security in a BDSM relationship is as important as in any relationship and as LC says, depends on the individuals.

Yup

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 12:38:33 PM

Sirspassion

Posts: 57
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

To me the security comes from a mutual agreement of the intent and commitment to the relationship whether D/s or not.

In a relationship with assumed boundaries/goals/desires intentions, security is also assumed.

I think security is more important in a poorly defined relationship if power dynamics are involved because of the depth of assumed trust.

imho.

(in reply to crazyml)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 1:07:17 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

Is security in a D/s relationship as important love, sexual satisfaction or the desire to serve? Or more?

With that question. The first thing that stands out to me, as it seems it does to most of the posters so far, is that every person and every relationship, is different.

Although, I think people are underrating the connections betweens D/s and security, those connections are interesting when looking at both sides. I think, it's more universal than people seem to see at first glance. And no, I'm not referring to relationships in general, but D/s specifically when separated somewhat from mainly sexual needs for the purposes of a clearer definition.

"The more control you take away, the more you need to establish a sense of security in it's place, or insecurities become rampant, trust and desire break down... Submission comes from trust and desire." Thats more applicable in instances where it isn't coming directly from the genitals.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 3/1/2014 1:46:43 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to Sirspassion)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 2:44:02 PM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

When I sad security in a D/s relationship I meant it to include safety and commitment, as well as knowing If a sub screws up their will be consequences but then the screw up is over and done with.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 2:51:03 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

If a sub screws up there will be consequences but then the screw up is over and done with.

This is completely irrelevant to my D/s relationship.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 4:55:05 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If I'm not secure in my relationship I can't completely trust my partner. Or maybe its if I don't trust my partner, I can't be secure with him.

Either way, trust and security go hand in hand.

and if I don't have one or the other, I won't have much of a relationship.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 7:44:06 PM

slavekate80

Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline

It seems like a relationship of any kind with no security at all would be hard to sustain. Some people need more than others do to feel good about it, though.

For me, it's the most important thing. I have to know where I stand and what the rules are. I don't need love or sexual satisfaction at all. I very much need to feel emotionally safe, which means clear rules, clear understanding of what the consequences for breaking them are, and the safety of knowing that I won't be rejected and sent away without a good reason and without trying to correct the problem first (unless we've set up ahead of time that this is a possibility, and I'm permitted to keep my job and home so that if and when it happens I'll still have means of support via myself.)

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/1/2014 9:17:44 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

Is security in a D/s relationship as important love, sexual satisfaction or the desire to serve? Or more?

Yes it's just as important along with about a hundred other things in a relationship. No one things is more or less important for me. It's the entire package all rolled together that's important. I don't separate it all into what is and isn't more important. If one piece is missing then the relationship fails. Period. Thus they are all equal.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/2/2014 12:49:51 AM

RC21

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/5/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

Is security in a D/s relationship as important love, sexual satisfaction or the desire to serve? Or more?

More, I think. Security comes from trust. If that trust is broken, the sense of security is gone.
A lifetime ago I have had relationships without much love and/or sexual satisfaction. Trust and security is what held it together. When that went out of the window, so did the relationship.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/2/2014 8:17:39 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman
Is security in a D/s relationship as important love, sexual satisfaction or the desire to serve? Or more?

For my money what is important in a D/s relationship is dominance and submission. The rest is all "season to taste".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/2/2014 8:25:56 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Not having a punishment dynamic, the op's definition does not apply here.

He doesn't dish out consequences. He doesn't have to. Nor do I. What you do causes consequences.
Forget to wash the dishes and you stay hungry till you get them washed.
Do something that loses you the other person's trust and you get suspicion in the future.

Security in terms of keeping your word, sure. But I just lump that in with trust. If your word isn't your bond, people will stop trusting you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/2/2014 9:06:56 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

When I sad security in a D/s relationship I meant it to include safety and commitment, as well as knowing If a sub screws up their will be consequences but then the screw up is over and done with.

And what if the dominant screws up?

I think security starts when you trust yourself and your judgments. If you make a bad call, regardless of who you are or what role you fit in, you'll be considered by your entirety, not by the singular mistake. If it's a repeat mistake, chances are it's not a simple mistake and you need to stop, then learn, before doing again, if ever.

What security do you offer? Being human you've likely made errors, run into bad choices. Do you own them? Discuss them?

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/2/2014 9:49:49 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

Security is tied directly to trust. Security is knowing hard limits and honoring safewords. Security in knowing that when bondage is used, that the bonder knows what he is doing and keeping things safe.

Security is knowing everything is SSC.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/3/2014 12:28:22 AM

pg4g

Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser
And what if the dominant screws up?

An extremely, extremely important question.

_____________________________

Switching: the best of both worlds.

It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. - Rocky Balboa

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/3/2014 9:58:35 AM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

Thomas Jefferson... "If the master makes a mistake. It is his slaves that pay the price". TJ was a smart man his face is on the two dollar bill. He must have known I was going to quote him on this board. X of the shit storm this quote is going to bring, why else would he choose a two over a twenty?

(in reply to pg4g)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/3/2014 11:29:43 AM

DeineSKlavin

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/25/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Security is tied directly to trust. Security is knowing hard limits and honoring safewords. Security in knowing that when bondage is used, that the bonder knows what he is doing and keeping things safe.

Security is knowing everything is SSC.

I agree with anniezz38. Security, trust, love are all interlocked. I serve willingly due to those three. If one breaks down, it impacts the others.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Profile

Post #: 19

RE: How important is security in a D/s relationship - 3/3/2014 1:10:40 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Security, as we can see means different things to different people, but if you can't feel secure in your relationship, how can you possibly call it a relationship?

(in reply to DeineSKlavin)

Profile

Post #: 20