etiquette question (Full Version)

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littlebuck -> etiquette question (3/3/2014 3:00:26 PM)

I am a submissive male seeking a dominant female. I've posted my profile on this site and have tried to elaborate who/what I am and what I seek. The only women contacting me have been scam artists who want me to go to some bogus site ...

Ok, so I decided to take the initiative and contact dominant females on my own. Have I breached etiquette by doing this? I thought that the dominant women would take the initiative and contact prospective subs or slaves. After all, they are the ones in control, dominant, and call the shots.

Would somebody please clarify this for me? I would really appreciate your help.

thank you

littlebuck



LadyConstanze -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 3:07:02 PM)

If you wait for women contacting you, you might wait for a very long time. Most of the women here are getting tons of mail, I mean if you get the milk delivered, are you going to go to the shop to buy some?



Rawni -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 4:01:41 PM)

littlebuck, I can't simply answer your question without actually giving you the answer you clearly need. To do so, I have to answer some questions you didn't actually ask.

The protocol or way of things that you describe in your profile is something you and many others have decided is the way to serve a dominant woman and yet to many dominant women, it looks like life has already been planned out and all these men need is for a dominant woman to show up and make it happen. Whether it be fantasy filler, assumptions or whatever... most dominant women do not wish to fill a role, but to actually live life the way they wish it to be lived. Our view may be very different than the fantasy view that a man presents quite often.

Though you mention living together and some wonderful things, a person has to get passed the fantasy to see it and it is nearly impossible to see it because it is pure fantasy. You ask for things, crave things or want them and I don't think you really know what you're asking for. I also get a feeling that you have more than dabbled in some area's that often confuse men and the disconnect between men and women grows because where in all of that was a place for a strong, determined woman calling the shots? You have already called them.

So whether a domina would contact you are not, may have nothing to do with anything but, your profile reads like a wish list or expectation and personally, I wouldn't even try to crush your dreams with reality by taking the time to... in person, correct your thinking and direct you more to where I would value the dynamic's.

What I see is that the lil scammers are picking you out because you sound like most men out there and the lifestyle domina can't see much more than that as well.

I believe differently than some others around here. They often say there are a lot of submissive men going for our attention.

There are a lot of men contacting us and trying to get our attention, but I wouldn't call them submissive. I call them kinky, horny men that wouldn't know a lifestyle dominant woman if she stepped on their head and declared herself such. Which, most wouldn't.

On one hand you say you want a lifestyle domina and on the other hand... you are playing it like the guy calling the shots, who likes bottom play. You determine what that is and you might fit better in one of these categories.

I have actually seen dominant [8|] women fighting over submissive men that actually present what a dominant woman might be interested in and though many of these men are smooth and may be just as fantasy filled as others but they present as a human being to another human being leaving the fantasy stuff for after they get to know one another a bit. They get women enough to manipulate them often times. Then there are those that really have experiences with dominant women and they are valued, rare and sometimes sought heavily by the female set and they have women to choose from. Lead with the fantasy life... and you may miss out on the very woman that could provide a real life with some fantasy in it.



littlebuck -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 5:09:03 PM)

@both Ladies:
Thank you for your input. Ok, I am new to the lifestyle and just demonstrated that. I'll need to revise my profile accordingly.
So ... there are dominant lifestyle women out there who are willing to vie for the desired submissive/slave. I still wonder if they initiate contact or do they wait for the male to contact them first? As the first person responded, these dominant women get lots of mail.
Again, thank everybody who contributes to this discussion.



DarkSteven -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 5:42:59 PM)

Hi there. Welcome to the site!

Yeah, I'm a Dom man. But I'll answer you anyway.

To answer your question, men take the initiative. Period. Else we get lost in the noise.

Here are a few secrets about Dommes.

1. They're women. They like the stuff other women like. If you can rock a tux and dance with them, be at ease at a tractor pull, AND make dinner for a quiet evening at home, you've got their attention. Handle a conversation in addition, and you're golden.
2. Yeah, you have fetishes. So do they. But they're sick and tired of "Hello, Mistress! I want you to do XXX to me!" If they like you, the kink will come up eventually.
3. Value yourself. Yeah, you're a sub man talking with a Domme. But they want a man, you want a woman, so you're both on equal footing. If you act like you BELONG in the conversation, it will help.
4. Simply put, if you'd score with vanilla women, you should be able to score with Dommes.



kalikshama -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 5:46:20 PM)

Women don't like the same type of pictures men like. To attract lifestyle Dommes rather than professionals, you'd do much better with an anonymized picture of you than your current picture of a cock cage.



FieryOpal -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 6:11:42 PM)

Wishful thinking on your part. Keep wishing...unless you have established an amazing rep.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebuck

I thought that the dominant women would take the initiative and contact prospective subs or slaves. After all, they are the ones in control, dominant, and call the shots.


What the others said. Read Rawni's once over again. If there were twice as many Dommes as there are subs, this might happen, but I think you know there is no shortage of males presenting themselves as subs. You're a chastity slave or want to become one? You have a scarcer pool of Dommes interested in this, unless you're willing to hire a Keyholder Mistress to take charge of your cock-centric world.

Personally, I may initiate contact with a sub once or twice in a blue moon (which is on average twice yearly if that). Out of friendship. This doesn't mean I'm interested in him as a potential partner, it just means I find him to be an interesting person. Now, I have to find a man interesting to begin with to want to enter into any kind of relationship with him, whether it be a passing (purely platonic) friendship or something more intimate. [:)]



littlebuck -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 6:53:46 PM)

@DarkSteven:
Hey, thanks a lot for the input. It really does sound like straight talk to me, especially point #1. Even so, I am still a bit confused but hope to figure it out soon. You sound like you have a lot of experience in the bdsm world so thanks again for sharing.
@the Ladies: thank you for your input too. I put forth a question and you gave me answers - maybe not the ones I was expecting but alas, this is a learning experience for me. I hope not to let the ladies down!
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hi there. Welcome to the site!

Yeah, I'm a Dom man. But I'll answer you anyway.

To answer your question, men take the initiative. Period. Else we get lost in the noise.

Here are a few secrets about Dommes.

1. They're women. They like the stuff other women like. If you can rock a tux and dance with them, be at ease at a tractor pull, AND make dinner for a quiet evening at home, you've got their attention. Handle a conversation in addition, and you're golden.
2. Yeah, you have fetishes. So do they. But they're sick and tired of "Hello, Mistress! I want you to do XXX to me!" If they like you, the kink will come up eventually.
3. Value yourself. Yeah, you're a sub man talking with a Domme. But they want a man, you want a woman, so you're both on equal footing. If you act like you BELONG in the conversation, it will help.
4. Simply put, if you'd score with vanilla women, you should be able to score with Dommes.





MirabellaHue -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 9:53:01 PM)

Even as a pro I don't contact submissives, ever. I market myself but I have always, and will always let them come to me. You need to contact them or you will not get any results. Regardless of any D/s dynamic I still believe in chivalry and men doing all the work ;)

The only time I would consider contacting a sub of my own is if I really needed one for filming and they had to meet specific physical qualifications, but that's a different ballgame altogether.



LafayetteLady -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 10:28:23 PM)

There is no right or wrong way, although most of us ladies just don't have the time to go hunting, especially when so many contact us.

Your profile reads like porn poetry, worse than the vanilla guys who talk about long walks on the beach at sunset. While some may like poetry and many like romance, that's not what I want to read in a profile. I want to know who someone is as a person.

So what does your profile say about you? Right now it says you have been reading crap books on how to attract a woman and put a BDSM spin on it. You are also too focused on your penis, with the cock cage phot and talking about giving your chastity as a gift. So we get it, you want a woman to refuse sexual contact. But we don't focus on sex especially in the beginning. I don't care if your fetish is chastity, but you don't seem to care what I, or any other of us ladies want.

So focus on what makes you a person interesting enough to want to get to know. Here's a hint...it has nothing to do with sex or BDSM.



LadyPact -> RE: etiquette question (3/3/2014 11:16:17 PM)

For the very high majority of males on the site, sitting back and expecting women to contact you is not going to work. There's a significant imbalance in the membership here between males and females. Some things can help you stand out a bit. Being a forum participant is one of them. Making your profile something that appeals to women in another. Profiles with pics of the actual person tend to do better, even if they can't be face shots.

I understand the impression that the person wanting to be in charge will do the initial contact. It just really doesn't work that way. It's more of a 'you snooze, you lose' type of proposition.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 1:36:50 AM)

fr

On the internet sub males massively outnumber dominant females. Even if a domme does like to contact people herself, the chances of her ever seeing your profile is slim - you are the needle in the proverbial haystack. Add to that, many dommes don't need to bother because they have so many people contact her each day. So from a purely practical point of view, you need to make contact with them if you want to be noticed.

An even better strategy is to go to munches and mix with your local community, where the numbers are more even and you can build reputation as a great guy. THEN you might get dominant women approaching you.

Your profile is a little poetic for my taste, but some people might like that. What I will say is that it doesn't tell me anything about you. Are you funny, outgoing, handy round the house? Do you spend your weekends rock climbing or antique hunting or watching sports with a beer? This is more useful than waves crashing on a beach.
It also doesn't tell me what type of partner/relationship you would like. Someone to go on adventures with? Someone to snuggle on the couch? Someone who appreciates good food and fine wines? Are you looking for 24/7 power exchange or just kink in the bedroom (and if you don't know the answer to that yet, it's ok to say that).
Lastly the chastity line grated on me a little bit. Since you don't know this woman yet, it's a bit presumptuous to say that it will be a gift to her - she might not like that gift. It might be something she just tolerates because she likes you. It might be something you earn as a reward. Contrary to popular belief, lots of dommes aren't into chastity. It's fine if that's a requirement for you, but perhaps you could phrase it in a way that makes it clear that this is your own fantasy, not something you're doing for her benefit.

Forgot to add: unless you're going to an event with specific rules, there is no etiquette until you and the dominant agree on it. Until that point you're equals.



StrictlyADomina -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 9:32:27 AM)

You got some good advice from the other members on the list. Many people use an avatar on their profile for various reasons. The cock cage is ok, but there is probably a better option out there. You have been on here since January. Simply put, it is not very reasonable to think that you are going to find "The One" in three months. If I read your profile, I'd pass on it. It looks a lot like fantasy with a dash of desperation. It pretty much tells me you spin too many fantasies and live in your head too much.

quote:

Oh what a wonderful dynamic we could have, you and I! You: my Mistress, my desire, my joy and my love I: your humble submissive, with you and your desires on my mind. Us: bound together intimately in a deep, passionate relationship that roars like crashing waves upon the rocks.


Yea, not everyone writes a great profile the first time. It's a work in progress. Consider revising some parts of it.



FieryOpal -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 10:53:57 AM)

Can I tell you something in the hopes that you don't take this the wrong way? Like StrictlyADomina, I used to think pics of empty cock cages were okay, but not anymore. I was just relieved they were empty without having to see a strange guy's shrunken dick encased. It is actually a turn-off to me. It also leads me to believe that the only men who want to be chastity slaves are those with small ones. That in itself holds (pun intended) no appeal to me. (Or else it's not functioning properly or won't in the not-too-distant future. [:-] )

Seriously, I am not alone in barely being able to keep up with messages and sending off not-interested replies. I don't blame any Domme for deleting whole blocks of messages unread to get rid of the mailbox clutter. That's not even counting the messages that get filtered into Bulk Mail. So do yourself a favor and be pro-active. Your chastity lifestyle kink already diminishes your chances of finding an interested Domme. A few weeks ago, I gave some helpful hints to a chastity slave, but I don't have time to do that. I was raised to always acknowledge correspondence, but lately I've started to automatically delete the ones that are absurdly inept or non-personalized form letters. I used to inform subs/slaves who had left out my profile key words that you only get one chance to make a good first impression, so better luck next time with someone else. The End. I'm tempted to not bother to try to educate them at all, because I just get back a bunch of lame excuses. Besides, they were forewarned.

[Edited to add phrase]



Rawni -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 11:23:59 AM)

Agreed FieryOpal.

I also look for signs of living brain cells and life comprehension. At an age where most people should have learned a thing or two about human beings, life, the opposite sex or those they wish to partner up with, social skills, and on and on... I don't find myself lacking if I don't stop to teach, instruct, explain and coddle the slow learners.

When one has a fantasy, can they not distinguish between reality and fantasy? That is a mental illness, is it not?

Of course to many that makes me a bitch, intolerant, harsh, expecting too much, judgmental and an all round not nice woman... because I am not nurturing.

[:D][:D][:D] I can live with that as long as they stay the hell out of my email box.

I don't care about a cock until the brain that leads it has proven to me that it actually works. A caged cock is still focused on a cock. Can't control it with a brain or other life skills... and that thing is walking and talking and making social contact? My god... zombies aren't even that scary! Run! Run for your lives! They spit... they shrivel... they grow at odd times... they rub on things, not always intended to rub on... scary mf for sure!

Then again... when ruled by a brain... I like them very much. [;)] Ruled by a brain, men can be very wonderful creatures as long as they don't think their brain can be used to belittle women, by calling what they want; service and respect for women, done in honor of them. That takes down the IQ seriously when pertaining to common sense and functionality. Just say no.



littlebuck -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 8:10:09 PM)

Thanks again for the advise provided here. I've been grateful to those who take part in this discussion with intent to give me guidance. People like you make this site the kind of site which everyone can enjoy.
As I consider the pictures and avatars used in the profiles here on CM, some of them might be considered a bit vulgar. I tried to present an interest of mine in a respectful manner yet there are some who construe my presentation differently. The desire of my relationship with a mistress is no fantasy at all but a life-long relationship based upon mutual commitment, respect, honor and love. Hopefully this clarifies some things.



LadyConstanze -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 8:14:11 PM)

I think mentioning your interest in your profile a bit further down (always bad to lead with your kink) might work better, as for the picture, a picture of yourself might also work, no need to show your face if you're worried about being recognized, just be creative, just an eye, some light and shadow... The generic avatar is just that, pretty generic, not something that does attract attention, which is what you want to do...



littlebuck -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 9:43:32 PM)

Thanks for the input. I am having a devil of a time trying to get pictures to load tonight. I've spent a LOT of time and for some reason they don't load and the wrong picture is the primary picture, no matter what I try to do. I've even tried to delete all the pics and reload them but that doesn't work either. argh!
I did make some other changes and improvements (I hope).
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I think mentioning your interest in your profile a bit further down (always bad to lead with your kink) might work better, as for the picture, a picture of yourself might also work, no need to show your face if you're worried about being recognized, just be creative, just an eye, some light and shadow... The generic avatar is just that, pretty generic, not something that does attract attention, which is what you want to do...




Rawni -> RE: etiquette question (3/4/2014 9:50:10 PM)

Once you think you have one uploaded... try signing out and shutting down your computer and coming back. Sometimes others can see the picture, but you see the old one. That's for the profile side. Over here, you may need to go to your profile at the top of the forum page and redo it there.



AAkasha -> RE: etiquette question (3/5/2014 12:19:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebuck

Thanks for the input. I am having a devil of a time trying to get pictures to load tonight. I've spent a LOT of time and for some reason they don't load and the wrong picture is the primary picture, no matter what I try to do. I've even tried to delete all the pics and reload them but that doesn't work either. argh!
I did make some other changes and improvements (I hope).
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I think mentioning your interest in your profile a bit further down (always bad to lead with your kink) might work better, as for the picture, a picture of yourself might also work, no need to show your face if you're worried about being recognized, just be creative, just an eye, some light and shadow... The generic avatar is just that, pretty generic, not something that does attract attention, which is what you want to do...




littlebuck,

So the pictures you added, after many ladies here told you to stay away from fetish and fantasy, are in fact pictures of women with erotic words about cock control? And I don't think you created these images yourself, you certainly didn't take the pictures or know the women - so they were just lifted off another site without permission. Great.

(sigh)

It's not going to attract dominant women. It's going to attract shrewd professionals who see you as "low hanging fruit." Old enough to know better, but obviously deluded on what a dominant woman is. And willing to fall head over heels, probably, when 'dream come true' femdom drops into your inbox saying JUST what you want to hear - you tee'd up your fantasies and the pros will be swooping in to take a good swing. At your wallet.

I used to tell men in this situation -- "Who are you trying to attract? What is your target audience? What do you think would make them feel compelled to contact you?" and eventually I realized that there are men who actually ARE honestly reaching out to their "target audience." Their audience is a fantasy. The woman that is sadistic and is insatiable to the point that she's not discriminating.

They. Will. Dominate. Any. Man.

The act and idea that there's a vulnerable cock waiting to be caged would just FILL them with lust and glee - even though the man is anonymous, a stranger. Just his willingness and availability would make them wet. Pussy aching. Dying to connect with him. THIS is his target audience, and that's how he writes his ad.

Sub men often write their ads to target what their dream fantasy partner is. It would be like a vanilla guy on eHarmony saying "I want a woman who needs oral twice a day, wants to fuck constantly, doesn't wear panties in public, and is open to threesomes. With another woman, of course." This is a fantasy caricature that exists in PORN but not in real life. Sure, maybe .000001% of the women on the planet are THAT sexually bizarre, and if they are also non-discriminating (they don't care about the man at all, it's sex first, relationship second) she's probably also reckless and unhinged.

At your age, you should know better. Have some perception by at least knowing how women are in real life. In past relationships. Surely you have dated, had relationships in the past. Dominant women are women, we just have a "kinky" side, or a "dominant" side, or a "control' side - we vary.

The reality that a man believes porno fantasy pics of women with chastity lingo on it would make a woman go, "oh! hot! I must write to this guy!" boggles my mind. I mean if you are going to steal pictures, steal pictures of gorgeous men in sensual (not sexual) images of surrender that appeal to a woman. Better yet, don't steal pictures at all.

Akasha



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