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nooby question - 3/5/2014 2:44:11 AM   
penfold77


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/5/2014
Status: offline 		Hi all, new to this place, not much experience in BDSM but have seen endless porn version and have just kinda waited for the right woman to try stuff with.

So anyhoo I recently met someone and we've fallen in love pretty fast (I'm 36, she's 25). The problem is that in the beginning she wanted me to be rough with her but I could only go so far simply because of noise restrictions. At my house it's my housemate and his 15yr old son, and at her house it's her 3 children, so as hard as she wanted me to bang her, slap her about, whatever else, I couldn't.

So the sex is mostly love makey, not totally vanilla, and I get her drenched. It's only on average about twice a week tho for about 6 weeks now.

So last night I mentioned something about tying her up and so forth and she was shaking her head. I was like "what? thought u loved all that type of thing". She went onto explain that she doesn't think that way about me now and couldn't do the whole dominating/submitting routine because now she's "seen my soft side". Again I was "WHAT???????" and pretty traumatised at the thought of no sexual adventure!!! She couldn't explain it well tho, couldn't find the words. So I asked about previous experiences, she said there was one guy with whom it was just sex, they never did it in a bed it was car, fields and he just took charge. And said she felt more carefree with all previous bf's because she was never really in love and they were all assholes. She was able to orgasm thru just sex much easier with all ex's than she can with me!!

Anyway story short she basically loves me to pieces therefore doesn't see me as a dom or and doesn't wanna dom me either cuz she's seen my soft side, and by this I think she means because I've told her I love her and miss her quite a lot (thru text message), like I've not just said it back, I've initiated those messages, and THIS I think has been my mistake.

However I've read about couples who are kinky and adventurous who are deeply deeply in love, so why can't it be the same here? I often wonder about dommes, like to me it seems a female domme is more of a job and that she doesn't play that role with her long term bf/husband, where as male doms very much do, like there's way more dom/sub rships out there than there is domme/sub ones? I'm taking a wild guess there but it feels right. If there are many domme/sub LTR's going on I'm wondering what type of man he has to be in normal life to make her wanna domme him in anyway, whether it's mild or full on pain infliction, ie does he need to be like a role reversal? so in ordinay life she sees him as dominant and secure with very little soppiness, or can she wanna wanna dominate also a guy who's a right pussy ass in touch with his emotions type in real life?

So I'm thinking perhaps if I stop the soppy shit and start acting a bit more ignorant when we aren't together, less texts (we text all day n night long usually), less of the "I love you's" just keep it to "I love/miss u too", that might help?

One other thing she said was she doesn't do planning, she only does spontaneous, so that kind of points towards the possibility that it's not really that she won't do different stuff with me, it's that she can't PLAN to, no matter who it's with, it has to be spontaneous. So maybe I should just ignore what she says and just get rough with her.

So should I start turning into a bit more of a careless asshole or do you think we can get there whilst still being lovey as fuck? lol

thanks for any advice














< Message edited by penfold77 -- 3/5/2014 3:06:58 AM >
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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 3:02:02 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Tell your roommate that you sure would like some time alone with your lady friend, and meet her in the afternoon/evening.

Since she's 25, her three children can't me that old. Who's taking care of them when she's at your place? Could you have that person take them out of the house when you're over there?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 3:14:35 AM   
penfold77


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/5/2014
Status: offline 		Well that's the least of the issues I posted really, we will find time somewhere along the line. I'm mostly worried that she sees me in a different light than before because I've destroyed some of that mysticism women see in dominating guys simply by discussing my emotions with her...quite alot :/

I will also add that her perception of me changed when she found out I was fairly solvent, as she's always struggled for money but whereas most women find security in a solvent man she's seems to be the opposite!! Admittedly she's is a real tough one to figure out, many contradicting traits.

< Message edited by penfold77 -- 3/5/2014 3:16:01 AM >

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 3:24:26 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77

Well that's the least of the issues I posted really, we will find time somewhere along the line. I'm mostly worried that she sees me in a different light than before because I've destroyed some of that mysticism women see in dominating guys simply by discussing my emotions with her...quite alot :/

I will also add that her perception of me changed when she found out I was fairly solvent, as she's always struggled for money but whereas most women find security in a solvent man she's seems to be the opposite!! Admittedly she's is a real tough one to figure out, many contradicting traits.



While I know it wasn't your intention the part I highlighted plays into two things that are, by-and-large, myths about this lifestyle.

The first one being that dominants aren't supposed to have emotions. That's a ton of shit. We're human beings and we have emotions (or don't) just like the rest of the population.

It also sounds to me as if (if you are accurately expressing her thoughts) she's wanting the "fantasy" of BDSM without realizing that you're a living breathing person that has ... wait for it ... emotions and bills to pay and life stresses and ...

If that is what she's looking for, she's going to be largely disappointed in any relationship she finds.





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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 3:40:04 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Oh boy.

She's only 25 and still has unrealistic fantasies. She's got the responsibility of three kids. Her major concern should be how you mesh with them, if she's thinking permanent. But she seems to be more hooked on the fantasy of the Dom manbeast who tears her to shreds and never has any doubts.

Like I say, get some alone time with her and spank the snot out of her. Then screw her hard. But... do it for YOU. Take her the way YOU want her. Else you'll be consumed by self-doubt.

If she wants you the way YOU are, great. If not, the two of you will get driven crazy.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:04:13 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77

So I'm thinking perhaps if I stop the soppy shit and start acting a bit more ignorant when we aren't together, less texts (we text all day n night long usually), less of the "I love you's" just keep it to "I love/miss u too", that might help?


This is such an incorrect statement. Being Dominant does NOT equal being an asshole. It seems that this may be a perfect situation for you to show her what Dominance is. Explain to her what everyone is saying here. That you are not a callous asshole and that you won't start acting like one, because she thinks that's what she wants. That you will share emotions if YOU want to. Tell her to stop watching silly BDSM porn( you should stop watching also, it just gives a warped view of WIITWD ) In short, you are both operating from a place of misconception. If this is ever going to work, you both need to really figure out if the D/s power dynamic is what you really want and need, or if you both just want kinky bdsm sex. Both are fine, but you both need to be on the same page.

Then again. She may be young, and immature, and still be seeking that asshole badboy that will never love her. In that case, your kinda fucked, because she will be hell bent on FINDING an asshole, and allowing him to wreck havoc on her life. Only you can know that.

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:12:40 AM   
pg4g


Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Then screw her hard. But... do it for YOU. Take her the way YOU want her. Else you'll be consumed by self-doubt.

If she wants you the way YOU are, great. If not, the two of you will get driven crazy.


Best advice I've seen in a long time.

_____________________________

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:21:06 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

Unless you are ready to be baby daddy #4, I hope you are keeping it wrapped with her. She doesn't seem to have the best judgement (3 kids by 25 and single) and shouldn't be trusted with birth control decisions.

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:22:31 AM   
penfold77


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/5/2014
Status: offline 		I seem to have given the impression my gf wants this and that. That's not the case at all. She doesnt watch any porn at all (in fact I keep trying to get her to so she can learn some stuff but she refuses) and doesnt consciously require a callous asshole to keep her keen (as we all know, that shit is SUBconscious). As I stated, she loves me and is more than happy with how we are. However by "happy" I mean she's perfectly content with just vanilla sex, even though she's had more domineering types in the past who meant very little to her, but I know she loved it and orgasmed much easier with them, and like I say in the first couple weeks she had the urge for me to be very rough and also had the urge to tie me up, it's the fact those urges have since disappeared on her part that's mystifying me and the only way she can explain why that's happened, in her own words is, "because I've seen your soft side and you're not an asshole like all my ex's, you're gentle and a good person." Like wtf.

Anyways think I'll take it all with a pinch of salt and do what darksteven suggests, less talk, more do!!!

< Message edited by penfold77 -- 3/5/2014 4:24:21 AM >

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:23:32 AM   
penfold77


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/5/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

FR

Unless you are ready to be baby daddy #4, I hope you are keeping it wrapped with her. She doesn't seem to have the best judgement (3 kids by 25 and single) and shouldn't be trusted with birth control decisions.


She has a coil :p

(in reply to searching4mysir)
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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:29:20 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77


quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

FR

Unless you are ready to be baby daddy #4, I hope you are keeping it wrapped with her. She doesn't seem to have the best judgement (3 kids by 25 and single) and shouldn't be trusted with birth control decisions.


She has a coil :p



Did you put it in yourself?

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:29:26 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		FR

Sounds to me like she's not ready to be getting into a serious relationship.

She's 25, she already has three kids and yet she tells you all her previous partners have been assholes and she's never really been in love. Now there's nothing wrong with being a young parent, but this implies to me that she makes poor decisions. Either she planned to have kids with an asshole she didn't love, or she had three unplanned kids.

(You are wearing a condom, right?)

She wants filthy sex right up until the point she realises that you're a nice guy and you care about each other. That tells me she has some pretty conflicted ideas about love and sexuality and perhaps some underlying issues and guilt about kink. That tells me she needs to work those things through and figure out what she needs before getting into a kink relationship.

Add to that the slightly worrying fact that she's intimidated by financial security, and it doesn't speak of someone who's ready to settle down. I also didn't see any mention of how things were going with introducing you to kids - sounds like you've been round while they were there - which should be a massive concern since they're all young and need stability.

Honestly it sounds like she needs some counseling and some time being single and working on her own issues.

And then there's you. You're in love with her, you want to share your emotions with her, you're 'traumatized' at the notion that you might miss out on some kinky sex. Firstly, it sounds like she's not able to meet both your emotional and sexual needs. Do you really think being more ignorant is going to make things better? Does being mean to someone generally solve relationship problems? You have a skewed view of what it means to be dominant OR you are so desperate to get the kink that you are willing to compromise yourself and your own needs. Not healthy. I wonder if you might be experiencing some dom-frenzy. You've been fantasizing and watching porn for years, you finally found someone open to it and you have thrown yourself in head first without really thinking the situation through.

How long have you been together? I'm getting the impression this is a pretty new relationship to be so deeply in love. If you are really in love with her, encourage her to speak to a professional to sort out this conflict she has about rough sex (with no pressure from you) and start thinking about whether you are ready to take on three young children.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:29:42 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So I'm thinking perhaps if I stop the soppy shit and start acting a bit more ignorant when we aren't together, less texts (we text all day n night long usually), less of the "I love you's" just keep it to "I love/miss u too", that might help?


How many times a day do you "I love you?" Are you expressing your emotions in a healthy way, or are you smothering her?

Are you sending out five texts for every one of hers, or is it a back-and-forth?

Keep things in moderation and in balance.

(in reply to penfold77)
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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:30:21 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77

I seem to have given the impression my gf wants this and that. That's not the case at all. She doesnt watch any porn at all (in fact I keep trying to get her to so she can learn some stuff but she refuses) and doesnt consciously require a callous asshole to keep her keen (as we all know, that shit is SUBconscious). As I stated, she loves me and is more than happy with how we are. However by "happy" I mean she's perfectly content with just vanilla sex, even though she's had more domineering types in the past who meant very little to her, but I know she loved it and orgasmed much easier with them, and like I say in the first couple weeks she had the urge for me to be very rough and also had the urge to tie me up, it's the fact those urges have since disappeared on her part that's mystifying me and the only way she can explain why that's happened, in her own words is, "because I've seen your soft side and you're not an asshole like all my ex's, you're gentle and a good person." Like wtf.

Anyways think I'll take it all with a pinch of salt and do what darksteven suggests, less talk, more do!!!


Porn is not reality.


_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:36:37 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77

Anyways think I'll take it all with a pinch of salt and do what darksteven suggests, less talk, more do!!!


DarkSteven often has good advice but in this case I disagree with him. She's already said she doesn't want to do it:

"So last night I mentioned something about tying her up and so forth and she was shaking her head. I was like "what? thought u loved all that type of thing". She went onto explain that she doesn't think that way about me now and couldn't do the whole dominating/submitting routine because now she's "seen my soft side""

She said no. She has withdrawn consent. You don't just go ahead and do what you want. She sounds messed up enough that she just might respond to it. That does NOT mean you should do it. Whether you think it's in her best interest or not, she's not currently your sub, she doesn't want to submit to you, and she gets to make that decision for herself.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:43:11 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

She doesnt watch any porn at all (in fact I keep trying to get her to so she can learn some stuff.


What exactly is it that you think she can learn from porn?

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 4:51:43 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff


quote:

ORIGINAL: penfold77

So I'm thinking perhaps if I stop the soppy shit and start acting a bit more ignorant when we aren't together, less texts (we text all day n night long usually), less of the "I love you's" just keep it to "I love/miss u too", that might help?


This is such an incorrect statement.


And... it's "fewer" texts, not "less" texts.




_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 5:06:36 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		1) Forget about Porn.

2) Buy these books
A) The Loving Dominant
B) http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394024107&sr=1-1&keywords=screw+the+roses+send+me+the+thorns

3) Read them together

4) Discuss

5) When you have read and discussed those, take a look together at the compiled BDSM book list and read some of those.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Also - read this if she decides she can accept you as her dominant partner:
Random Thoughts - Love, BDSM, Responsibility
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1240921/mpage_1/key_responsibility/tm.htm#1240921

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 9:13:24 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

I honestly don't think it's a dominant guy she is looking for, but rather a domineering asshole like she was used to from the past. There is a NIGHT AND DAY difference between dominance and domineering. She, along with you, have fallen into the trap of what a stereotypical mythic DOMINANT guy is. It's not about being an asshole, it's a way of living in general. Honestly, OP...you could become brutal asshole Dom guy tomorrow and it will still all fall apart. You will be trying to be someone you are not and both of you are chasing a fantasy image of a dominant guy that you both won't ever find. She is looking in the rear view mirror and trying to recreate her past over and over again like it was "Groundhog Day." And she is trying to cram square peg you into that circle shaped hole to try to make you fit. It's the recipe of a disaster in the making. I hope I'm not coming across as mean. I just know all to well what someone living in her past looks like.

My guy and I happen to switch with each other. I've seen the "brutal dominant" side of him and I've seen his soft squishy teddy bear side. He has seen the same from me. And it makes our dynamic work because we are being who we really are, not just caricatures of what we think we think we are supposed to be.

Just my own interpretation of the situation. Both of you should maybe tread carefully and have a lot of talks with each other. She may have vanilla zoned you because you can't live up to the domineering asshole image she has seared into her memory. And just maybe those two worlds can't meld together in her mind. Best advice I can give you is don't try to be someone you aren't.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 3/5/2014 9:27:03 AM >

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RE: nooby question - 3/5/2014 9:55:08 AM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		Very well put, Seeking Trinity. Me & my guy are both Dominant & we'll both equally share responsibilities & decision-making. I'll capitulate to his way if I see that it's correct & he'll do the same for me. And because we both know what changes our personalities are capable of in a given situation, well, that adds to the trust, love, & irresistible desire that we feel for one another.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
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