Caregivers and help

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Missokyst -> Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 5:13:52 PM)
As I have mentioned here before I am my 90 yr. old mothers caregiver. My mom has had a quadruple bi-pass, 2 strokes and now deals with 6% kidney function which is being somewhat managed. I have been making sure she eats right, I haul her to her doctor appointments, supply her with a weekly supply of stupid gossip magazines, and pay for all expenses including medications she needs. And I am pretty much the only one who can deal with her stubborn nature. I am the youngest of 4 and only my eldest sister lives close. But she is the fun sister not the responsible one. She takes my mom gambling once a month, or for rides in the country. If my mom is being irritable she quickly drops her off back home for me to do the rest of the day. I get 4 free days off a month if I am lucky. I now regard my $job$ as my vacation time because it allows me to focus on non people things for a while. Last Friday we had to take her dog to the pet hospital because she was wheezing, throwing up and losing bladder control. I like the dog, she is a good companion for my mom and has the added benefit of making me less nuts on a daily basis. Without our dog my mom would be constantly repeating questions, looping her activity and I would have to put monitors everywhere with an alarm system if she should fall. Her dog is a companion that also happens to be a good tattletale when there is something wrong. So, basically I depend on the dog as a helper just as my mom depends on her as a companion. The dog was diagnosed with diabetes. I knew she would be, I recognized the signs. She is looking much better now after nearly a week of antibiotics and insulin. I have learned to give her the injections and even though she isn't fond of them, she is pretty good about not fighting them. The insulin is an additional expense for me and not one I thought I would have to deal with at this time. The bigger issue is the time. Making sure she gets her injections on a regular basis, twice daily has taken my one day off a week and shot it to hell. For me this means no more trips to Sacramento for a day of shopping, lunch, and sightseeing with my girls. I haven't had a vacation since my mom's first operation and now my spare hours away are looking bleak. Before you say it, yes I know the dog could have been put down. But, my mom is 90, set in her ways, stubborn as hell, and would drive me insane if it weren't for her having the dog as an outlet for her emotions. I have heard it said in the other post running through right now that we shouldn't spend time blaming our issues on events in life, but my mom taught me from childhood to maintain calm, to not show emotion, to not be weak and as a result I can be somewhat distant even though I do feel deeply. I am a product of how I was taught. The only exceptions have been when I am in love, or with my own children as I made myself "not be me" until I had that down. I still can't do that with the rest of my family. So I need the dog for her. I am an unintentioned caregiver and now there is an additional responsibility. So.. do you.. do I ask for help? Is it weak? My vet bill is close to 4,000 dollars, I find that over-whelming. Is it ok to be weak?

Rawni -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 5:54:06 PM)
Man, my heart goes out to you. Yes... ask for help, even insist on it. Find any resource you can, which I am pretty sure you have, but try to get some assistance. I don't know how it is in CA as it was years ago that I checked, but if you aren't being paid to take care of your mother, CA used to pay. They could even send relief or have a day care situation so that you could get a break. I would also call the vet and ask if there are any interns that could possibly help on days when you need time off, explaining the situation and see if someone can help. I would call senior centers, as they are some of the most helpful people when you are trying to resource. As for the bill, talk to them about that too and explain the importance and if your family can't stand up... I don't know what to say, but let your plight be known. Scream from the rooftops if you have to. You are far from weak. It isn't easy and I will tell you what LadyPact told me, a few times. lol Take care of yourself, make sure you have breaks. (I didn't. lol) Sometimes churches have people that will help and even on Craigslist, I think under volunteers... there is something for the assistance of those older folks that need various things. I hope you get the help you need and every thing you have said makes sense and is reasonable. Explain it... but don't feel guilty because you must. Really.

DomKen -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 6:01:12 PM)
FR Hell yes, it is ok to be weak. Call your sibs. Tell them you'll dump their mother on one of their door steps if they don't pitch in and get you some help. Surely they could at least help with the vet bill and get a nurse in a day or two a month so you can get a break. If not it might be time, as unpleasant as it would be, to consider putting your mother into a nursing home. You have a right to live your life and not spend it being a nursemaid. Your siblings have clearly made that decision.

Blonderfluff -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 6:05:24 PM)
I think you are incredibly strong. What you are doing is honorable, loving and selfless. I don't see "weak" anywhere. What you are probably feeling is overwhelmed. You DO need to carve out some time each week for yourself. You need some time to re-charge, so you can do what you must do. I won't offer a list of ideas on how to make that free time happen. I'm sure you are already figuring it out, and Rawni had some excellent suggestions. I will offer you my admiration. We should all be taking care of our elders with this much love, time, and respect.

Lynnxz -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 6:16:20 PM)
It's tough to be a caregiver, especially when other family members won't really step in and help you out. Does she have health insurance? Is she on a hospice service? Many insurance companies, (and Medicare, if on hospice), will help pay for what is called a "respite stay" at an approved healthcare facility. Basically, it's a short stay that serves no other purpose than to let the caregiver get away for a bit. If respite care isn't available, other options may be open to you. Your local senior services agency may be able to put you in contact with a volunteer group, or know of programs in your area for a home-based respite service. It may seem harsh to place your parent in a facility for a week while you get away, but if you don't take care of yourself, eventually everyone will suffer. I see a lot of family members under tremendous pressure and guilt, and I always like to encourage them to go off and do something for themselves for a couple of days, especially with a particularly opinionated or difficult patient.

Rule -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 6:25:41 PM)
You have my best wishes. I am very impressed. Yes do get help wherever. Maybe a neighboorhood child can volunteer to inject the dog? Your sisters are no factor in this. Look elsewhere for help. Also be glad that the one sister does the fun things with your mom: it does contribute to lighten your load.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 7:16:24 PM)
Call IHSS (In Home Support Services). They pay money for those who are caregivers for relatives. I don't know all the requirements, but having your mom living with you might be one of them. Here is the website: http://www.cdss.ca.gov/agedblinddisabled/PG1296.htm It's California. edit: if that doesn't help, message me on the other side and I'll get some info to you during the work week.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 7:24:14 PM)
When my late dom was dying, he was in my home, and yes, going to work was my time away from having to think about his dying and death. So you are not alone in feeling this way. I realize this probably goes against every instinct, but there are websites where you can give your story and ask for donations - as in for the dog and what he means to your mum and the vets address so people can donate to pay the bill off. It is harder to ask for help than to be silent, but you need to bend a little, and allow others to help. If many help then few do too much, the load is spread out over a lot of people. You can't afford $4,000 but a lot of people can afford $5.00.

Missokyst -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 8:33:47 PM)
Yeah, After her bi-pass and again for a month after both her strokes we had a nurse come in once a week, and a rehabilitation therapist come in twice a week. Mom, when she was feeling more like herself hated having to "entertain" strangers in her home too often. For her too often is more than once a month. LOL this is her lifetime habit. I was never allowed to have friends over when I was growing up either. She has always been someone who gets what she wants and makes life unpleasant when displeased. I had looked into getting paid for what I do because I know my mom got paid for taking care of my father after his stroke. Turns out the rules have changed a bit in that I would have to be certified to be a caregiver. I just don't have time to take the classes in what little time I have. Right now they regard my amateur status as nice, but not enough to warrant getting a salary. If and when she does go into a nursing home all her expenses will be paid by Medicare and AARP. I know that time is coming up eventually but in my family we keep our elderly in their homes until there is no other option. When her kidney function goes down a bit more it will be inevitable, but if I do say so myself I am a remarkable "nurse". It does not matter if they are human or animal most will get better in my hands. I am stubborn that way. And tired. Very tired. Thanks all for the good thoughts. I have put a request up on gofundme, but not much action there. Right now it would be nice to have some of my utilities paid. It is getting pricey. quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 Call IHSS (In Home Support Services). They pay money for those who are caregivers for relatives. I don't know all the requirements, but having your mom living with you might be one of them. Here is the website: http://www.cdss.ca.gov/agedblinddisabled/PG1296.htm It's California. edit: if that doesn't help, message me on the other side and I'll get some info to you during the work week.

Missokyst -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 8:36:18 PM)
Oh hell yes! It does allow me to work a full day which lightens my load considerably. And it makes my mom a more content lady. quote: ORIGINAL: Rule Also be glad that the one sister does the fun things with your mom: it does contribute to lighten your load.

DomKen -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 8:40:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I know that time is coming up eventually but in my family we keep our elderly in their homes until there is no other option. When her kidney function goes down a bit more it will be inevitable, but if I do say so myself I am a remarkable "nurse". It does not matter if they are human or animal most will get better in my hands. I am stubborn that way. Dialysis does not require her to go into a nursing home, and all nursing homes do not have dialysis machines. She would just need to go to a dialysis center 3 days a week for treatment. I'm in kidney failure and am on dialysis and can give you info if you need it.

Missokyst -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 9:24:19 PM)
A few years ago when we got the diagnosis she had just gotten over her 2nd stroke and for a while we were doing the weekly visit, plus the monthly blood/urine test. When she was 88 she decided she will not go for dialysis having seen one of our relatives in a similar straight. She said, "I am old. I will go when it is time." Recently she has also decided she is old, and she should be able to eat when and what she wants. I have mostly resigned myself not being so stubborn. At 90, if she wants french fries she gets them (sparingly). quote: ORIGINAL: DomKen quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst I know that time is coming up eventually but in my family we keep our elderly in their homes until there is no other option. When her kidney function goes down a bit more it will be inevitable, but if I do say so myself I am a remarkable "nurse". It does not matter if they are human or animal most will get better in my hands. I am stubborn that way. Dialysis does not require her to go into a nursing home, and all nursing homes do not have dialysis machines. She would just need to go to a dialysis center 3 days a week for treatment. I'm in kidney failure and am on dialysis and can give you info if you need it.

VeryMercurial -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/7/2014 11:01:26 PM)
What a blessing you are to your mom. I don't see you as weak, I see you as a devoted and loving daughter. I think you are being way too hard on yourself and you have to draw the line somewhere . How can you deal with much more and stay sane? It's important that you take care of yourself, so you are able to assist other people.

areallivehuman -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 4:33:10 AM)
You're not weak, what you're doing is incredibly strong. But ask for help, by all means. Ask your "fun" sister to give the dog the injections when you go to town for the day. Tell her you're near the end of your rope, and need a little more help. Does your mother have any money of her own? You should be using it to pay the vet bill for her dog. If not, I see no problem at the least asking your siblings for a financial contribution, they owe it to you both. I know I would hate to ask for help, but sometimes it's necessary. I too have my mother living in my home. She hates visiting nurses, values her privacy too much, doesn't like her routine upset. She's down to 20% lung function, lack of oxygen is affecting many different body systems, including memory. She's crabby because she can't do much, and hates feeling she's not contributing. I have found it prudent to let her eat what she wants, at least she's eating something. I leave food out for her, and try to get a little healthy food in her, but if she wants pie for breakfast she has it. I'm lucky to have an incredible partner who loves Mom, loves to bake, and has Fridays off for doctors appointments. We have a real nice life together.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 4:39:17 AM)
Do ask for help, there's nothing weak about it, I was the care giver for a friend for a few months after a transplant, I didn't want to ask for help, I had signed up voluntarily, I thought it would be weak to not being able to deal with it on my own, took a trip to the ER with a panic attack for both of us to realize that not only the patient, but somebody also the carer needs help and time off... You won't be much help if you break down!

soulfulsubmiss -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 4:47:41 AM)
What you wrote hit close to home. My parents are older and my mother had a COPD-like condition (even though she never smoked) and a heart condition. She had a cardiac arrest over 20 years ago and I gave her CPR untill the EMTs came. She had an implanted defibrillator and a pacemaker. Just 3 weeks ago she was discharged after a week at the hospital. We called an ambulance in the middle of the night, She was in respiratory arrest... I need help. It is not weak. I just don't know where to get help, you know?

soulfulsubmiss -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 4:57:39 AM)
My sister helps in caring for my mother. But, my brother will not help physically or financially. I'm constantly told to tell him that it's his responsibility to help...Like I haven't done that. Does anyone know of anyway to get a sibling to help out? To feel guilty that they've left you holding the bag? He won't even commit to coming over for an evening so that I can get out for a bit. It's a very strong thing that you are all soing to care for friends or family members...It is courageous to be able to ask for help!

MasterCaneman -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 6:47:11 AM)
Get whatever assistance you can, because what you're doing will break you, trust me. I went through the same thing with my mom before she passed away, and it took me a year to 'get over it' myself. If you have sibs, lean on them now, because it won't do any good later. As for the dog, I can see your point about wanting to keep the pooch around for your mom & your own sanity. But she should at least comp you something for your out-of-pocket expenses. And this may seem cold and callous, but do you have her final arrangements settled? It's the hardest damn thing in the world to sit down in a funeral parlor and discuss what to do with your mom, but I had to do it. Ironically, it happened only twenty-four hours before she passed away, but there was a plan in place. Lastly, don't forget about yourself. People have a tendency to overload themselves when caregiving, and it ends up affecting everything around them. I lost my job, several promising prospects, and my relationship (rocky as it is), over my taking care of her. And your sibs need to be involved as well, even if you don't like them (which I don't know). They'll need to in order for them to close the circle inside themselves regarding your mom. My sister wasn't here for most of this, as she had other priorities, and by the time it happened, she couldn't be here. I've forgiven her, but she hasn't forgiven herself yet. ETA: Good luck, and my best wishes on this difficult chapter in your life.

kalikshama -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 7:16:32 AM)
quote: I am an unintentioned caregiver and now there is an additional responsibility. So.. do you.. do I ask for help? Is it weak? My vet bill is close to 4,000 dollars, I find that over-whelming. Asking for help is not weak, it's smart. When my dog was dying of cancer, I learned that the vet was the worst place to get his meds. They charged around $70 for something "for his white blood cells" which turned out to be an antibiotic Walmart carried for $4. >.< The best places were online Canadian pharmacies, Walmart, and an independent pharmacy. I spent a lot of time calling around, and CVS/Walgreens never had the best prices. The Canadian pharmacies I dealt with required a prescription, which I got from the vet. My Mom's vet often gives her a break on prices. quote: I have been making sure she eats right, I haul her to her doctor appointments, supply her with a weekly supply of stupid gossip magazines, and pay for all expenses including medications she needs. Doesn't she have Social Security and Medicare?

kalikshama -> RE: Caregivers and help (3/8/2014 7:20:08 AM)
quote: And this may seem cold and callous, but do you have her final arrangements settled? It's the hardest damn thing in the world to sit down in a funeral parlor and discuss what to do with your mom, but I had to do it. Ironically, it happened only twenty-four hours before she passed away, but there was a plan in place. My mom is healthy and in her 70s and went through a lot of this in 2011 when I returned home to MA. She's purchased her cemetery plot and filled out health care proxy, advanced directives, etc. This was harder for me than it was for her, lol.

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