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RE: Control - 3/13/2014 7:12:58 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I think she needs to take some of the responsibility. The silly man that she encountered and became cyber involved with are ten a penny. They are merely fantasist's that have watched too much BDSM porn and probably spent too much time cybering in internet chat rooms where their impression of dominance and submission is formed. He had a fantasy about total control and so did she otherwise she wouldn't of embarked on this. Cyber isn't about much else than being sexually turned on by another's actions towards them and it looks like that 'total control' was a turn on to her until she got bored with it.

Good points!

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RE: Control - 3/13/2014 7:35:55 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowborn61

I can understand a Dominant wanting a certain level of control and even taking it to the extreme if that is what the submissive wants but from all i have read a Dominants foremost concern should be the well being of that submissive.
Am i wrong?

I am sorry your friend allowed, yes allowed, this Dominant to have so much control from long distance. I think for such a relationship to begin and continue (long distance), there is a level of extreme control...after all, the people have no physical interaction.

As a Dominant, I have and am in control of my slave as well as our dynamic...YET, my slave has a life and has responsibilities outside the home. While he may be a "kept man", it is a MUST that he be a responsible and accountable man moving throughout his day in and outside of the home. I do not micromanage him, he is given what he needs and moves forward. His well-being is my responsibility, so he must be a multifaceted individual that can move fluidly through vanilla AND our D/s dynamic.

I must compliment you for not leaving your friend while she was going through said crisis.

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RE: Control - 3/13/2014 8:53:55 AM

shadowborn61

Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
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@MsDDom
I have never been the type to abandon my friends. I do not make many friends but the ones that i choose to befriend know that if they have need all they have to do is ask me and if i can help them i will.
I am lucky in that those friends i do have are as willing to help me if i call on them.
I believe in treating people the way i would like to be treated and so far that has served me well.... At least in the vanilla world.
So far my kink life has been limited to a very few play partners none of them have been "the one" and so i continue to search and make friends along the way.
I give what is asked and take what is freely given it works out most of the time.

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Post #: 23

RE: Control - 3/15/2014 2:10:07 PM

BecomingV

Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
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Yes, the Dom should hold the welfare of the sub as a highest priority.

That said, ALL worthwhile relationships are comprised of people whom value the well-being of the other and whom make decisions accordingly.

Maybe it's not nice to admit this, but with this couple, my major concern was for the child who was being affected. Adults can experiment and sacrifice but I think it's immoral and unsafe for the kind of woman who puts men before children to engage in a submissive lifestyle. Being a bottom - sure. But, not submissive. Conversely, this guy was no dominant - just a really smart perv with no regard for others.

Some people take on the labels dom or sub to avoid focusing on their own shit. The outward focus protects them from taking personal responsibility. The scenario in the OP fits this dynamic. This is what happens when people use each other.

I see your friend as someone who is deeply unwell. I agree with those who've said that your friend will attract more of the same until some self-awareness sets in. I hope that happens.

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Post #: 24

RE: Control - 3/15/2014 2:51:16 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
My rule of thumb is not to give someone more power than they have responsibility.

Example: My husband decides to give me orders that prevent me buying food and taking care of the kids - guess who's going to be doing that instead? His orders cause me to lose my job, well then he has to support us both financially. He treats me badly and makes me sad all the time - It'll hurt him too because he loves me. He's not likely to make flippant decisions because his well-being is tied up with mine.

This. Although honestly a large helping of common sense would've worked wonders in this story also. Look, I control all sorts of things with all sorts of women for various reasons. But oddly enough, "you need a security camera in your bedroom so I can spy on you" has never come up.

Finally, I sure as hell hope the friend of our OP knows and approved of this post because honestly it'd be the end of our friendship were it me. There's enough feel of "boundary issues" that it made me trip over whether the dom was wise to cut off her contact with OP and if so, what else might be more than a bit skewed in this story. As is always true, we know half of a very convoluted story here told very simply.

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Post #: 25

RE: Control - 3/15/2014 2:52:44 PM

windchymes

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This sounds to me like one of those cases of someone having all or some combination of insecurity, stalker personality, OCD, control issues, sociopathy/psychopathy who justifies it all by calling himself a dominant. "I'm a dom, it's what I want and I can have whatever I want because I'm a dom". Then they find vulnerable women who buy into this shit who feed into their psychoses. I'm glad your friend is coming to her senses.

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Post #: 26

RE: Control - 3/15/2014 4:45:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowborn61
If you need help you have to be the one to ask for it i know i have been there myself.

Not necessarily true.

Sometimes it takes someone else pointing out problems to get you to recognize them.
And when it comes to alcohol and substance abuse, one of the greatest motivators is the legal system. People are mandated into treatment every day, and they do get the help they needed but would not choose willingly otherwise.

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Post #: 27

RE: Control - 3/15/2014 8:49:34 PM

littlewonder

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Imo, your lady friend is the one who has issues and not so much the Dom in question. This isn't about him. This is about your lady friend who apparently does not have boundaries or knows how to take care of herself and if she has a child, this makes for a dangerous woman. I'd say get your friend some therapy.

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Post #: 28