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can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 3:48:02 PM

iamhism

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/13/2014
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I have always known I was a sub right from my very first sexual fantasies, however until recently I had never told anyone,but its something deep inside me a part of who I am , something I could not keep contained anymore, so I have confessed all to my partner of 4years,luckly he seemed understanding and said he would work towards adding it into the relationship... but im starting to wonder if being dominant is something you have to be born with,he is by no means a push over, he just doesn't posses a lot of characteristics a dom would need, i.e self control, and he is trying to work on these things but I think the whole life style is a bit of a shock to his system. he would be happy just taking on the title of master for role play in the bedroom,or on a random afternoom he remembers that I offered myself as his sub and decideds he wants something..channel changing maybe, but I need it to be more then that and I don't know if its something that will change with time or if dominance,bdsm, and the kink that comes with it really are primal urges and desires, that can not be learnt. if anyone can make sense of my ramblings please advise

Post #: 1

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 3:49:28 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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What beautiful world do you live in where every dominant man has self-control?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to iamhism)

Post #: 2

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 3:55:57 PM

iamhism

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/13/2014
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Im not sure if I meant self control as much as incontrol of oneself.you have to be able to look after your own life to a standard before you can take charge of someone elses

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 3

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 4:22:00 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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A Dominant needs self control. If they have not mastered themselves, how could they master you. Im not very clear on what you're wanting to sign up for in a D/s dynamic, but it definitely includes self control. I could hammer on that self control thing with endless dribble, but the fact remains that if you're giving over control, it needs to be with someone that can take that control. The next golden cookie on the buffet of D/s would be deferment.

Having a deferantial D is not only a good thing, but a sign of a strong D. He/She should use all of you, especially your strengths, and if you are better at X, then He/She should have enough sense to put that in your hands. If you are looking for power exchange, handing over control, and wanting your agenda laid out before you, then He/She needs to be willing to hand over X to you.

Jus Sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to iamhism)

Post #: 4

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 4:34:05 PM

kiwisub12

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The problem as I see it, is that being dominant takes work. Its more than just an attitude - the dom has to care enough about his rules/attitudes that he follows through with them/it.
A vanilla guy probably could care less about xxxxxx if xxxxx means they have to go out of their way and make an effort.

In other words, I don't see successfully turning a truly vanilla guy/girl into a dominant individual. I think there has to be that tendency there to begin with.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 5

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 5:00:40 PM

DNSerror

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/25/2005
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I think what you said about primal urges and desires is important. At least, it sounds like the problem may be his level of interest, as much as or even more than lack of self-control or other "dominant" characteristics.

It's wonderful that you have a longtime relationship together and that you both want to work on this together. Maybe his main motivation will be to make you happy, more so than an innate desire to dominate you. I've heard stories of people being flexible for each other, finding enough common desires, and making that work. (As the awesome Dan Savage says in his advice columns, being Good, Giving, and Game.) It does require open communication and trust: you being able to say what you want and need, and him being able to say what he likes, what he's willing to do, and what he won't do, without fear of judgment.

I've heard of a book that might relate to this topic: "When Someone You Love Is Kinky." But from reviews, it sounds like it's mainly focused on understanding friends and family members, and less focused on people whose romantic partners are kinkier than they are. Maybe other folks reading this thread will have other suggestions?

In my own experience, when I liked the idea of compromising in some substantial ways to fit a somewhat more 'vanilla' girlfriend, it wasn't something that I could make work and feel happy with over the long haul. But maybe I'm just too stubborn and thickheaded.

About "dominant" characteristics: I don't think the desire to dominate is particularly correlated with having more self-control, etc. It's a desire or feeling of how we want or need to connect intimately with another person, like being gay or straight, enjoying certain types of sex acts or not, liking holding hands or not, wanting to lick chocolate off of a partner or have chocolate licked off of us or not. For some people the feeling can be strong and deeply rooted, for others it can be casual and light fun, or anywhere in between.

Though of course it's legitimate to seek self-control, trustworthiness, or any number of other personal qualities in a partner. Especially if you will be putting yourself in a position where your wellbeing depends on them.

Good luck to you and your guy.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 6

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 5:25:38 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

I too don't see you being able to turn this vanilla guy into the dominant you sound like you want. In my honest opinion, that certain something just has to be there. It's not something that can be created, it just is. Just my honest opinion.

Trust me, Ive tried in my younger days to turn vanilla kink-oriented. It didn't work. Finally just decided to go with those who were already wired that way. And life has been much better ever since.

Good luck though.

(in reply to DNSerror)

Post #: 7

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 5:32:52 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I think it's fairly easy to get a guy to agree to more kink in the bedroom, but generally his urge to dominate outside the bedroom is either there or it is not.

However, you could try getting some of the non fiction from the booklist and see if anything appeals to him. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Maybe start with The Loving Dominant

(in reply to iamhism)

Post #: 8

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 5:41:36 PM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iamhism
Im not sure if I meant self control as much as incontrol of oneself.you have to be able to look after your own life to a standard before you can take charge of someone elses

That isn't true. There are zillions of couples who demonstrate it's false. Relationships where the controlling partner is a "loser" of some sort, and takes money, energy, sex from the partner who is being dominated.

There's a tendency online to make pronouncements of fortune-cookie domination, like, for example, "You can't have power over another until you have power over yourself." And, while that might make people feel good (or superior), it doesn't accurately reflect reality.

So what do you want? Throw away all the fortune cookies, and what do you want to make happen in your life? For example: I have paid money to have people who are less in control of their own lives to boss me around, such as hiring a personal trainer. Do you think being directed by this man would turn you into a better person? If so, why not try it on for size and see if the two of you can make it happen? And, if not, don't let your clit talk your brain into doing something foolish.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to iamhism)

Post #: 9

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 5:57:09 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
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From: Exiled
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RM, you should back away from the keyboard until the 18th.

Jus sayin
Exiled

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 10

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:03:00 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

Does he want it?

What does he want?

You can't make someone into something they are not. Even if it were feasible, the degree of change involved would certainly have its own consequences - more for him than for you, your experience would be secondary.

It might help if you both discuss something you enjoy, try it out, and then sit down afterwards for an honest, uncensored talk about what worked for you, and what didn't. Experiment and incorporate what works, discard what doesn't. If you both grow together into what you find you can mutually enjoy, it will create the best positive atmosphere possible.

It will take work and patience and forthrightness on both your parts. Best of luck.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 11

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:30:27 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

RM, you should back away from the keyboard until the 18th.

Jus sayin
Exiled

You're the one competing with me, for god knows what reason. I have nothing to prove to you, nor to anyone else on the site. It makes no difference to me if you post here or not. So please don't hijack threads with off topic personal issues that you have.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 12

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:33:52 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

Competing

I only attend the special olympics as a spectator.

Jus sayin
Exiled

P.S. Seriously, you should step away from your keyboard, take a deep breath, and do not post further mistakes.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 13

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:43:41 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iamhism

I have always known I was a sub right from my very first sexual fantasies, however until recently I had never told anyone,but its something deep inside me a part of who I am , something I could not keep contained anymore, so I have confessed all to my partner of 4years,luckly he seemed understanding and said he would work towards adding it into the relationship... but im starting to wonder if being dominant is something you have to be born with,he is by no means a push over, he just doesn't posses a lot of characteristics a dom would need, i.e self control, and he is trying to work on these things but I think the whole life style is a bit of a shock to his system. he would be happy just taking on the title of master for role play in the bedroom,or on a random afternoom he remembers that I offered myself as his sub and decideds he wants something..channel changing maybe, but I need it to be more then that and I don't know if its something that will change with time or if dominance,bdsm, and the kink that comes with it really are primal urges and desires, that can not be learnt. if anyone can make sense of my ramblings please advise

People may disagree with me on this, but having fantasies that center around your being submissive don't necessarily mean you are submissive.
Submissive is more than the kinky things one does.
People have kinky things done to them all the time, and it doesn't necessarily mean one is submissive.
They may be very happy being a bottom.

Have your partner read (among other things): When Someone You love is Kinky.

And perhaps understand that having it all the time on your terms really isn't all that submissive.

I ask for things in our dynamic, knowing that He can always say "No."

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(in reply to iamhism)

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RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:58:36 PM

searching4mysir

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I'm of the belief that dominance is a character trait and not something really learned. A submissive person or a vanilla person can learn topping skills (whips, floggers, etc.) but that desire for control comes from within and is either there or not.

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No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to iamhism)

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RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 6:59:53 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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The other thing is that guys are taught for decades on end never to hit a girl, not to push one around, but to always be respectful and egalitarian.

That kind of social conditioning cannot be overturned in a week or two. With lots of positive reinforcement, expect it to take six months to a year.

Beyond that, are you submitting to him? Are you asking him if you should get the corn flakes or the raisin bran when making a grocery list? And if so, do you buy the one he wants even if you dislike it? Are you thanking him for lifting some of the burden of decision making from you?

Because why should he change if he isn't getting anything positive in return?

There are subs here who have higher paying jobs than their partner. Doesn't mean he still isn't dominant. I have more patience than The Man, has nothing to do with who is dominant or submissive.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 8:01:53 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

someone can go through the motions but you can't make someone be something they aren't.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 17

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 8:27:14 PM

SterlingMorgan

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/3/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The other thing is that guys are taught for decades on end never to hit a girl, not to push one around, but to always be respectful and egalitarian.

That kind of social conditioning cannot be overturned in a week or two. With lots of positive reinforcement, expect it to take six months to a year.

Thank you. I'm working with this right now, and it is a difficult process....

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 8:40:21 PM

DaddySatyr

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Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

I'm of the belief that dominance is a character trait and not something really learned. A submissive person or a vanilla person can learn topping skills (whips, floggers, etc.) but that desire for control comes from within and is either there or not.

THIS ^^^^^^^^^

While there are plenty of people who are dominant but know nothing about the lifestyle.

Can you introduce your partner to this lifestyle? Sure. Be advised, though that this new-found "acceptance" might bring about some changes.

I was first introduced to this lifestyle fairly late in life. I was over 30, had a failed marriage (and many relationships) behind me.

I had "come of age" in the 80s where ladies had "become empowered" and were demanding that men be "sensitive" and all kinds of other clap-trap. I've always been somewhat "sensitive" (for a man) but I could never get on board with the "equal partnership" crap.

Is she just as important as a person as I am? Of course. Am I going to let her guide my life? hell nah!

So now, I had this whole (rather large) group of people who saw relationships the same way I did. Suddenly, it was okay to be what most 'nilla women thought of as an "asshole" because there were a ton of ladies with whom I saw eye-to-eye on so many things.

My point with those last four paragraphs is kind of similar to little riff that Bill Cosby did about cocaine:

Bill: "What's the big attraction to cocaine?"

Guy: "It magnifies your personality"

Bill: "But, what if you're an asshole?"

What if your guy "runs amok"? I'm not saying he will but are you ready to ride out that long process of self-discovery that you're about to send him on?

Just some food for thought.

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 3/13/2014 8:41:04 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? - 3/13/2014 9:23:58 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
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there are a LOT of people who will tell you that this stuff cannot be learned. I say BS.
Kink is fun, addictive, sexual and sex is transformative. Sure you cannot get a submissive personality to flip around and become dominant if that is not their natural bent. But if a person has a desire to explore and you give them a map they might take that path. We live in a society where it is uncool to be lording it over someone even with their consent. Breaking the habit of a lifetime does not and cannot happen over night. Saying someone either IS or they AREN'T is putting a label on someone they do not know.

I say I have turned more than my share and maybe I have, but I contend people can be mentally released to go beyond their programming and be what they want. IF they want to.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to iamhism)

Post #: 20

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