RE: Friends and family (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 8:32:59 PM)

To angelikaJ: I have since dropped the original question because apparently, choosing to keep myself safe appeared to many as an obsession, one that would be best treated by seeking help from a shrink. The current question is meant for ANYONE who might want to "come out" to a partner

To shiftyw: Ahh.. So from that first time you meet them, you're already sizing them up. I guess that's a way to do it. It's cool that you have found some pretty compatible bedroom partners, and I'm assuming outside of the bedroom as well, but that doesn't always happen.. Sometimes what the heart and the hormones want are completely different, and then you have to make a difficult decision [and yes, it does happen].. .. Also, for the purpose of this question, hardcore, softcore, doesn't matter. People could be interested in acting like an animal all the time, or they could enjoy being little. It could be something as bizarre and not horrifying as an arousal from yo-yo's




shiftyw -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 8:36:10 PM)

The issue you're having is that it sounds like you want to tell EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!! Family and friends!

People are responding to that, because so many people don't feel a need to express that to family, and only friends who they consider very close.

Upon rereading your most recent question...
If you are talking about introducing an existing partner to a newly discovered side of yourself...people will respond differently. You keep using "Friends and Familys" not "Spouse or Partner" basically, I don't think it was obvious, and I still don't think its that obvious, because of the way you are phrasing it. If that is what you are looking for advice on, there are actually a great deal of threads on the subject, with loads of advice.

I will warn you, you are going to face judgement if your intent is to cheat on your partner rather than express your interests to them.

And I think you misinterpreted what littlewonder said because she was talking about what her family and friends think of her, not her partner. Who, rest assured, knows what she gets up to and wants, just check out her posting history.



shiftyw -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 8:45:21 PM)

Well- as far as "head vs. heart" because of my PTSD (as previously mentioned) I don't engage in total power control. I don't identify as a slave, or even a submissive. Believe it or not, not everyone I've been attracted to has been comfortable with a "bedroom bottom" only, most want more. I'm pretty clear that I have limits and issues that don't allow me to enjoy things like...rape play, needle play, etc. For some people that is a deal breaker, and in that case, I may end up heartbroken. Like I said, it really depends on how important something is to you, and your priorities.

I have also been in several open relationships that required a shit ton of communication, discussion, and awareness. Those were not as easy as "hey spank me harder!"
If that is the route you're hoping your spouse wants to go, I wouldn't hold your breath, that type of relationship is incredibly hard and if s/he isn't willing- you'll have some decisions to make.



kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 8:57:53 PM)

Sorry, I forgot to thank tiggerspoohbear for their suggestion [on page 5]. It was a good one

To shiftyw: I'm no longer addressing the original question. If people want to continue it, they can email me. As for the current question, yes, I did just copy my original question, but before and after the question, it is phrased to suggest that the person who would be told is a partner or spouse.

As for deal breakers, I think that's a bit extreme. It's one thing to enjoy something, but don't have a partner who has the same interests but is understanding that you enjoy "furries", it's another if you enjoy something and your partner finds it to be utterly repulsive!!


For those in vanilla relationships, but are interested in exploring kinky things with a partner, "how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?"
Also, if it wasn't obvious, this is meant for people in existing relationships.



littlewonder -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 9:01:45 PM)

so this whole thing has been about telling your husband? If so then this takes a WHOLE NEW ROUTE! And you should have just said that from the beginning.

Basically...how important is your kink to you? Important enough to you that you can't do without it in case your husband says no? Personally I'll take love over kink anyday. YMMV and apparently does.

And if you're thinking of cheating on him because you so desperately need the kink, get a divorce first. Cheating just makes you look like an ass.



shiftyw -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 9:06:00 PM)

Well...you might find them extreme, but others don't. While they may understand it, it can still be a deal breaker.

I might love dogs so much that being in a relationship with someone who is allergic to dogs isn't a possibility for me.
I might understand being a furry, and accept someone for that, but I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who needs that from me, its not something I want to do.
While my boyfriend understands that I'd really like to be poly, but it isn't a need for me right now, and he doesn't want to, so we came to a compromise that for now, we are not poly- but should I find a girl I like a lot, we can talk about it again.

Communication is a relationship skill. While you might be very afraid of telling your partner- if you feel kink is a really important part of that relationship and they are unwilling to indulge you- will you cheat? Is it worth all that guilt? or would you assume there is a better relationship for you out there that will allow you to be your whole self, and won't make your partner feel like someone they aren't?



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 9:21:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

For those in vanilla relationships, but are interested in exploring kinky things with a partner, "how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?"
Also, if it wasn't obvious, this is meant for people in existing relationships.


Do you want to learn if he's interested in partaking, or learn if he could accept you being kinky (maybe without wanting to do kinky things with you)? Because those are two different things.

As far as figuring out if he's accepting or not. Is he extremely religious, bigoted, close-minded, prudish, and judgmental? If not, then he's probably not going to have an issue with it and you can just tell him something like "wow, that 50 shade stuff really is a turn on" and see how he reacts.
If he's not openminded enough to be ok with you being who you are -even if he has no interest in partaking- then why would you even want to be with him? Coming out kink wise to a close lover in an intimate relationship shouldn't be much harder than telling him about some private big deal event about your past. It's part of who you are, and if he loves you he'll be cool with that.

If he would reject you for being interested in kink, he already HAS rejected you, and IS rejecting you every day you are with him, because you are kinky. Not telling him that you are just leaves you in a situation where you can pretend he's not rejecting you because you're refusing to tell him about the real you.



angelikaJ -> RE: Friends and family (3/24/2014 11:01:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

To angelikaJ: I have since dropped the original question because apparently, choosing to keep myself safe appeared to many as an obsession, one that would be best treated by seeking help from a shrink. The current question is meant for ANYONE who might want to "come out" to a partner

To shiftyw: Ahh.. So from that first time you meet them, you're already sizing them up. I guess that's a way to do it. It's cool that you have found some pretty compatible bedroom partners, and I'm assuming outside of the bedroom as well, but that doesn't always happen.. Sometimes what the heart and the hormones want are completely different, and then you have to make a difficult decision [and yes, it does happen].. .. Also, for the purpose of this question, hardcore, softcore, doesn't matter. People could be interested in acting like an animal all the time, or they could enjoy being little. It could be something as bizarre and not horrifying as an arousal from yo-yo's




Then why does my suggestion of leaving a book like 50 Shades of Grey around not apply?
And I stand by my suggestion of When Someone You Love is Kinky, as well as the advice given in the video I sent you.

edit to add the name of the book and to say:
People were offering to send you cab fare.
Do you always focus on the negative?



kalikshama -> RE: Friends and family (3/25/2014 9:27:48 AM)

quote:

The current question is meant for ANYONE who might want to "come out" to a partner.


You might want to start a new thread, then. And you'll get better answers if you specify that you mean YOUR partner.

Getting your partner to be more kinky is a whole nother thing than coming out to "friends or family members" you mentioned in your OP.



LadyPact -> RE: Friends and family (3/25/2014 9:34:05 AM)

I would have to agree.

Some of us here have done "The Talk" (I need that trademark thing) with our significant other. That's an entirely different question.

But, OP, if that is the case, why would you be afraid of your physical self?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Friends and family (3/25/2014 12:35:07 PM)

OP,

While I stand by my statement that you could benefit from therapy, you just don't seem to grasp what anyone is telling you. Its led me to several possible conclusions:

You are afraid to ask the real question you want answers to.

Your communication skills are seriously lacking.

You are more comfortable making excuses rather than taking some step towards getting what you want.

You have been all over the map here. First, how do you "come out" to family and friends. People gave you suggestions, and then it was all about how can you trust them and the ramification of being blamed if something bad happened . So people talked about making some kink friendly friends you could safe call and other reasonable "internet dating" safety precautions. Then your issue was it takes a long time to build such friendships because most are gone quickly. People here offered to be your safe call and even provide you cab fare so you could go to a club and feel safer. Still not good enough, because no one here understands what it is like to be attacked and then blamed for what happened by their family (which by the way is far from the truth. Yes it is a horrible thing to happen, but your situation inst unique tto you and your life). Therapy you are totally against because you can read all the above grouped together and still believe your logic is sound (its not). Finally, now you are asking how you discuss kink in a relationship to see if your partner might be interested. NONE of these things is the same, can't you make uup your mind?

Perhaps you should try to CLEARLY tell us what the issue is you are having and looking for advice about. Because as of now, you just seem interested in kink but scared to death of the world around you.



kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 4:39:50 AM)

Thank you UllrsIshtar. I liked your response, which included, "If he would reject you for being interested in kink, he already HAS rejected you, and IS rejecting you every day you are with him, because you are kinky."

To angelikaJ: Your book idea could still apply, I was merely asking for other suggestions.. .. I also looked at the link for the book, briefly. It seems interesting, but like with all books I get, a lot of research would be needed *haha*. [If you, a general term meaning all people, want to buy a book that winds up propping up a table, never being read, okay. Waste the money. But when I spend money on something, I like knowing that I will enjoy it or find it to be useful, and not in propping tables up]

As for the cab fare people were offering, as I said, "While the club may be a little farther away, the bar(s) aren't. It doesn't make sense spending $10+, waiting half an hour for a cab, when you can walk the few blocks home. And considering I've walked both areas plenty of times, getting a cab just seems like a waste of money. As for walking back from the club, if people want to wait an hour or more while I buy groceries, then they have some major patience *haha*.. I have no problem with cabs, just I've been walking everywhere for years. Haven't had many problems, but if I did, I'd like someone who, "won't judge me, or find a way of placing the blame on me".".. .. Oh, and just because you take a cab back, if you think through every possible scenario, it doesn't mean that you'll be 100% safe [and I'm not even talking about problems with the driver]. Although you are probably safer taking a cab home than you are driving yourself home.. .. As for focusing on the negative, if caring about my safety and well being means that I'm being negative, then yes, I only focus on the negative.

oOo Speaking of cabs. Did anyone here the story recently about the girl who took a cab like 2 miles and wound up with a $700 or so fare?

To kalikshama: I think the two questions [old and "current"] are related enough that keeping them in the same thread makes the most sense. And it's one thing "coming out" to a partner, it's another wanting them to try kinky things, which I'm sure there are already threads for.

To LadyPact: I don't see where it was even suggested that I was afraid of my physical self


To LafayetteLady: You have chosen not to listen to a thing I have said, most recently, "And if I could, I would delete future posts that suggest seeing a shrink, but sadly, that isn't possible. So just don't!", so now I am going to have to be direct. Please, DO NOT POST ON THIS THREAD AGAIN.




LadyConstanze -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 4:48:42 AM)

Look, I don't want to be rude, but it seems to be that you want to tell your spouse about your interest in kink and don't dare to.

I don't know how long you've been together, but couldn't you bring it up in a relaxed mood, over a bottle of wine, just mentioning that him holding you down or whatever it is that turns you on, works for you, and then take it from there? If you're with him, you know each other well enough and I'd be surprised if he might not have picked up on it. And a guy who doesn't get turned on if the woman he's with gets turned on... That would be a rather rare person, and it would suggest that there are issues in the relationship that go way beyond kink.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 5:00:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa
....so now I am going to have to be direct. Please, DO NOT POST ON THIS THREAD AGAIN.

Sorry hun, you don't get to dictate who replies to your posts and who doesn't.
This is a public forum and anyone can reply.

Apart from which, I fully understand where LL is coming from.
Your story is all over the shop and meandering aimlessly everywhere.
Her last sentence is perfectly valid.



kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 5:09:54 AM)

To LadyConstanze: I don't think you're being rude. Since I'm not in a relationship at the moment, the current question is meant to help ANYONE who is in a serious relationship but didn't meet the person at a munch or an event. In other words, the relationship is as vanilla as ice cream.

I figured the question was similar to my original one, and I didn't know if there was a thread already solving this question so I added it to the topic as a whole



LadyConstanze -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 5:28:34 AM)

I pondered this about 2 years ago, it was more aimed at men telling their wives and girlfriends, but I can't see why it wouldn't work the other way round just as well:

http://exdomme.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/bdsm-and-spouse.html



LafayetteLady -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 8:24:49 AM)

OP,

Yea, you don't get to tell me or anyone where they can post.

Look, now you are talking about how taking a cab isn't safe, and how apparently after going to a bar or club at night, you go grocery shopping (sure, that's normal behavior).

My suggestion? You are on your way to agoraphobia and fear the world. But of course you think your negative attitude is simply about your safety. So if you want to be safe, stay home and don't eat any foods, since some psycho may have poisoned them, and don't use any gas or electtric because they cause fires.

Let your abnormal fear you disguise as worrying about your safety rule your life. Continue on this path. Its a wonderful idea.



VideoAdminRho -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 8:27:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa



To LafayetteLady: You have chosen not to listen to a thing I have said, most recently, "And if I could, I would delete future posts that suggest seeing a shrink, but sadly, that isn't possible. So just don't!", so now I am going to have to be direct. Please, DO NOT POST ON THIS THREAD AGAIN.




This is a reminder that as long as ToS or guidelines are not violated, anyone may post anywhere.



Greta75 -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 9:22:56 AM)

FP

I do agree with the others, that alot of your fears and your thought processing is a little more paranoid than normal. I mean, people could just sit in their homes, safely at their computers, typing thinking they are safe, and something could happen. Tree crash over their roof, plane crash right down, a truck bash right through their walls. These things happen. But in life, we can't live it worrying about it constantly. I prefer to simply leave my life to fate. I believe if something is meant to happen, it will happen no matter what precautions I take.

Secondly, I have personally come out to my x-husband. That's why he became an x-husband, because he was disgusted with me. But it took me 6 years into the relationship, where we were madly inlove and happy, that I horrify him that the sweet vanilla girl he thought he married was into all these things. So anyway, in a way, I was deceitful because I played the perfect vanilla girlfriend I know he would love. I had hope he would accept me after enough years has passed, but it does not work like that.

I don't know what are your circumstances, but I also know if I came out with my parents, they might even disown me and tell me how I am humiliating the family and something terrible.

So anyway, that's life. Not everyone has to know, and if you want to "come out", you accept the consequences. It's not always bad. Sometimes you're surprise that your partner is open to it. Life is 50-50 as with everything. My experience is just my experience, someone will have a positive experience from acceptance from family and their husband and whatever. It's all about choosing your risks and accepting the results.

While it was extremely painful to lose my x-husband, but I knew I was lying to myself when I bask in his "love", especially all along, I was simply playing a role of a woman I knew he could love.



kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 2:32:24 PM)

*hands a drink to LafayetteLady and Greta75* Make sure you drink the whole thing, okay. It's really good. Oh, and what were your phone numbers again? I misplaced them. Are you okay, you don't look well. Let me drive you home



Page: <<   < prev  3 4 5 [6] 7   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625