RE: Friends and family

RE: Friends and family (Full Version)

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UllrsIshtar -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 2:37:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa hands a drink to LafayetteLady and Greta75 Make sure you drink the whole thing, okay. It's really good. Oh, and what were your phone numbers again? I misplaced them. Are you okay, you don't look well. Let me drive you home Darling, if you consider it a real possibility that something like would happen to you, you need to stay home. You're not ready to be out in public socializing with strangers and/or dating. However, considering that you know its possible for such things to happen, and you're weary about them, and cautious. What exactly are you still so worried about? It's not like you're wandering into the world naive and unaware of the possible dangerous. So now that you're aware of the dangers and cautious about them... why so paranoid as well?

kalikshama -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 2:47:17 PM)
While it can happen, I wonder what the odds are, especially if one takes the reasonable precautions of not leaving one's drink unattended and only taking drinks from the staff. In thousands of drinks in dozens of bars in multiple states and countries over 30 years, I've never had a drink spiked.

kkaliforniaa -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 3:02:12 PM)
Seriously! Stop! The topic is "For those in vanilla relationships, but are interested in exploring kinky things with a partner, "how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?" Also, if it wasn't obvious, this is meant for people in existing relationships." If people are interested in a thread about safety, say so, and I'll bleep start one!! Although I'm sure one already exists!

LadyConstanze -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 3:07:23 PM)
Again, why do friends and family NEED to know about the sex life I share with my partner? I wouldn't want to hear if they prefer anal sex, or they have wild monkey sex swinging from the chandelier, it would be TMI, so I assume my sex life would be TMI for them too. I share on a need to know basis, most friends and certainly family doesn't need to know!

LafayetteLady -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 3:09:51 PM)
Sweetie, YOU are the one who brought up safety issues, not us. So you already started a thread about safety. Now of course, you want to change topic. Doesn't work that way. So add to the pages long liist of your fears is someone spiking your drink. Basically, as Ishtar said, you aren't ready to be out in public. So while you are now changing the subject to how to tell your vanilla partner, you don't need to worry about it. You are too scared to meet anyone. Kinky or vanilla.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 3:11:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa Seriously! Stop! The topic is "For those in vanilla relationships, but are interested in exploring kinky things with a partner, "how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?" Also, if it wasn't obvious, this is meant for people in existing relationships." If people are interested in a thread about safety, say so, and I'll bleep start one!! Although I'm sure one already exists! Actually, the topic is exactly as it states - "Friends and family"

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 4:03:20 PM)
~FRing it~ How many times does one need to get told they can't dictate what people say in a thread? It's probably better to just stay home and forget kink exists, OP. That way all the possible bad shit of the world stays out in the world and you don't have to worry about whatever new worry will crop up during the rapid evolution that you keep driving in your thread. There is no guarantees that you won't get judged by your family and friends (first evolution), you won't get judged by your vanilla partner (second evolution), your drink wont get spiked in a bar somewhere (third evolution). There is also no guarantees you won't be abducted by aliens, killed by ninjas, kidnapped and taken to the top of the Empire Stare Building by King Kong, crushed underfoot by Godzilla as he makes his way through downtown Tokyo, or any other new fear/obsession/tangent you spin your thread off onto. Is this way of living honestly working? I'd be absolutely miserable living in this much fear and paranoia

littlewonder -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 6:30:41 PM)
My dear, please lock your doors tightly and close the blinds. Keep the lights on because something just may jump out of your computer screen.

Greta75 -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 6:41:53 PM)
FP OP is very touchy about her ultra-paranoia behaviour because deep inside she's uncomfortable with it and she knows it's not normal. As for what you want to focus on, I don't know what answers were you expecting. There is no way to know if your family or close ones will accept you for your kinks or not. It all depends on how well you know them. I never reveal to my brother about my kinks, but I know if he knew, he will not condemn or judge me and he will still love and accept me. But I know my parents will kill me. So if you don't know whether your close ones can accept you or not for it, then, you don't know them very well, nobody can help you.

kalikshama -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 7:23:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa Seriously! Stop! The topic is "For those in vanilla relationships, but are interested in exploring kinky things with a partner, "how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?" Also, if it wasn't obvious, this is meant for people in existing relationships." If people are interested in a thread about safety, say so, and I'll bleep start one!! Although I'm sure one already exists! I have answered every one of your questions, including that one, and now am responding to your tangents.

shiftyw -> RE: Friends and family (3/26/2014 7:52:02 PM)
OP- You have loads of really great advice, on A LOT of issues. LOADS. I have answered all your questions several times. I'm surprised how patient everyone has been since giving advice/opinions that were asked for only to have someone ignore them and type at you angrily is endlessly frustrating. You seem like you aren't really open to experiencing kink (or in my opinion, going out at all, or some pretty normal social interactions). If you aren't open to it, my ON TOPIC advice is- your partner won't be open to it either. If it is something you really want, I suggest you stop worrying about everything else, and go find it within yourself to let go of some of your anger. If you want acceptance from everyone else, accept yourself. 7 pages of GOOD advice. At this point, the best advice I think anyone can give you is to reread these threads and try to realize no one really wanted to attack you, and that there are pages of advice from excellent posters.

theshytype -> RE: Friends and family (3/27/2014 5:44:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar However, considering that you know its possible for such things to happen, and you're weary about them, and cautious. What exactly are you still so worried about? It's not like you're wandering into the world naive and unaware of the possible dangerous. So now that you're aware of the dangers and cautious about them... why so paranoid as well? This. While this thread may seem to have MPD, one thing remains the same and that's fear. Fear of getting hurt, physically and emotionally, fear of what others may think, fear of losing friends or families. There's nothing wrong with over thinking. It helps make informed choices. I admitted earlier in this thread that I'm the same in that I think of every possible outcome. But, there comes a time when the thinking has been exhausted and a choice must be made. Do I do what I want, cautiously and aware, or do I decide it's not worth the risk. On one hand, you have a "lifestyle" you really want to be a part of and on the other hand you have a friend you want to tell but might lose due to their possible opinions. You won't know the outcome until you make a choice. If it were me, I'd rather take my life in the direction I want it to go. If existing friends and family are accepting of me and my choices, then they belong in my life. Again, I feel no need sharing this part of me but if one did somehow find out, I'll work it out at that point. You, on the other hand, may feel your friend is more important. That they enhance your life like BDSM never will. Only you know that. If a fear of getting hurt is stopping you, it's no different. Do you accept the slight chance of a bruise or a broken bone, taking precautions to help prevent them, in an effort to enhance and enjoy your life the way you want? Or do you decide no matter how big or small the chance of getting hurt is, it's just not worth the risk. Again, only you know what's more important in your life. I may be an over thinker, but I'm also a risk taker. If the odds are in my favor, I'll proceed. If the odds are only slightly in my favor, I'll proceed with caution. I personally want to "lead a full life", and for me that means experiencing as much as I can and continuing to do the things I enjoy. Some people aren't that way, and that's fine too. I'm not a fan of therapy being used as a suggestion. Reason being, I don't know you and I can't possibly determine that off of one thread. However, it may be helpful. Not because I believe you need it, just because it might be nice to have a one-on-one conversation with a third party, free from judgement. A professional that would know how to best communicate with you and talk you through your true fears, concerns and desires. Here, you have many different personalities giving you advice and comments. We can't seem to get a clear understanding.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Friends and family (3/27/2014 6:39:57 AM)
FR The OP reminds me of another fairly new poster who is very risk adverse, makes lots of excuses, and doesn't own a car. (Just saying.) They expect simple answers to complex questions. There is no way to know for sure how open minded a person is about kink or anything else without asking them. Anything else is a guess that could be wrong. There is no guarantee, no matter what you do or don't do, that you'll be safe. There are ways to decrease your risk, but they aren't certain. If you are living this life searching for certainty, you will be sadly and routinely disappointed. What is certain this minute may not be certain in the next. All the analyzing in the world can't give you certainty. There is an old adage: nothing ventured, nothing gained. All the important things in life require you to take a leap of faith. To act without certainty. If you can't make those ventures, you will never have the gains. And that's a sad, unhappy life, no matter how safe you perceive yourself to be.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Friends and family (3/27/2014 6:52:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt There is an old adage: nothing ventured, nothing gained. All the important things in life require you to take a leap of faith. To act without certainty. If you can't make those ventures, you will never have the gains. And that's a sad, unhappy life, no matter how safe you perceive yourself to be. Even worse is the fact that while I've been hurt (non-kink) by various people, at various times, in ways ranging from 'unpleasant' to 'downright awful' and none of them are happy memories looking back... they also all tend to be huge catalysts for personal growth and development. Without them, I don't believe I'd be half as strong, independent, and moral person as I consider myself to be today, and so, I wouldn't really be willing to give any of them up either... especially not all of them. It must be a very flat life, one devoid of painful growing experiences. Edited to add: It reminds me off my stepdaughter... she's nearly 9 now, and so terrified of falling that she's the only kid on our block who still doesn't know how to ride a bike. So she misses out when all the other kids go to the park together to play.

OsideGirl -> RE: Friends and family (3/27/2014 8:57:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shiftyw You seem like you aren't really open to experiencing kink (or in my opinion, going out at all, or some pretty normal social interactions). I came to that conclusion on about page three. It's just excuse after excuse, trying to find a reason to not move forward. So, there is no advice for that. She'll either let those excuses lock her up or she'll decide that wants something bad enough to leave the house.

Greta75 -> RE: Friends and family (3/27/2014 7:45:50 PM)
Moral of the story in this topic is that, BDSM is not for weak-hearted. Need courage and fearlessness and the ability to maneuver around possible calamity resulting from possible dangers of being in such a lifestyle. It seems like many here have faced these calamities and have continued to not allow negative experiences deter them from seeking the rewarding experiences they want. kkaliforniaa, be brave and start venturing! Or either, forget about this lifestyle and bury it as just a whimsical fantasy.

HoldinOn -> RE: Friends and family (3/28/2014 11:55:11 PM)
Head spinning and smoke coming out of my ears. What exactly did I just read???

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Friends and family (3/30/2014 2:22:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa Having a support system is important in all aspects in life, maybe more so in regards to BDSM. The problem becomes, how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo? Logically, if they are open minded about some things, they might be open to others, but just because 1 + 1 = 2, doesn't mean you have two of the same item Observe how they react to tv shows and movies that bring up D/s or kink. If you've talked about other movies with friends and family before it won't come as bolt from the blue when you bring up an issue from a movie yet again. For D/s, watch some I Love Lucy reruns, or any with an old fashioned wife who has to ask her husband's permission for everything, even to buy a dress. Laugh and bring up how funny it would be to have a show where the guy is the wife, how weird that would be and the problems it could/would cause. Hollywood has made Mr. Mom and Daddy Daycare, so...why not use whatever you need...to find out if they are in the least bit receptive or if they squick out and/or are offended. My family also watched I Dream of Jeannie and Exit to Eden, Entrapment, etc. Ask them why are so many people talking about Shades of Grey, and if they have ever read the books and/or plan to see the movie. In spite of everything we plan and how careful we are, some are going to be offended. I have several uncles who won't come out about being into BDSM, but they would fit right in with the "Taken in Hand" crowd...whenever we visit Ohio my mother is lectured by them (she's a widow) that she needs to get married again and SUBMIT to her husband in all things. "A woman's place" blah blah blah. If they saw bo and I shopping for clothes, and saw how he seeks out my approval before buying anything, my uncle would give bo a long lecture on "being a MAN" and controlling the wimmins in the family. (Though my mother hates to be lectured by her brothers, she herself gave my lifemate a lecture on being the man, and has given me several on being a proper wife-type/servant to the man in my life.) The D/s is all they needed to know...so they would understand their interference in our relationship is misguided, or at the very least, amusing and merely tolerated. Mom doesn't need to know that I bend bo over the couch and take a strapon to his butt. And I don't need to know if my mom and dad gave each other oral sex, had anal, or if dad ever expected her to shave her pussy. [;)] On the subject of taboo... To some vanillas in this neck of the woods, West Virginia, USA, oral and anal are taboo. (I know, it boggles the mind.) To bo's mother, even meeting someone from the internet means that their morals are completely bankrupt (psst, all women met from online are whores, lol). We can try to help them understand that there's a lot of misinformation out there...and hopefully we can clear up some misunderstandings as they come up. I like having a support system. I've found that others into M/s and D/s are more likely to be better sounding boards when I feel I can use one, because my relationship is less "traditional" role wise than among vanilla friends and family members.

DesFIP -> RE: Friends and family (3/30/2014 9:58:40 AM)
Whereas to someone like me, nothing that doesn't harm another is taboo. My family and friends couldn't possibly care less about how we have sex. Or whether he always drives. My sister would probably find the ban on brussel sprouts in this house offensive, simply because she also likes them. My father and brother would probably agree with him. What people who claim to love you should care about is whether you are loved, whether you are happy. If they care about other things and not that, then you need new and better people in your life. I don't care how my daughter has sex, or whether she or her boyfriend decide if they're getting white pizza or chicken bacon ranch. I care that they love each other and show that love in positive ways. That they take care of each other when sick. That she was there for him when his father died. That he was here for her when she spent 10 days in the hospital. Because that's showing love, not just claiming to love.

BitaTruble -> RE: Friends and family (3/30/2014 10:19:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa Having a support system is important in all aspects in life, maybe more so in regards to BDSM. The problem becomes, how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo? Logically, if they are open minded about some things, they might be open to others, but just because 1 + 1 = 2, doesn't mean you have two of the same item Unfortunately, you're going to probably have to pretty much trust your own gut on this one. Maybe start with a life review. Who do you trust to go through your stuff if something were to happen to you? Who are you cool with sorting out your clothes, your personal journals or writings? Who is going to take care of your final expenses? Who's not going to faint when they see the ball stretcher or nipple clamps? ::grins:: The only data source you really have is your own life experiences with these folks. That's the major tool you own at this point so utilize it to your best ability. If you choose to come out in order to get a support network, realize that you may lose some friends and family over it no matter what sort of approach you use. A combination of head and gut working together to help clue you in on those you believe you can actually approach then a bit of bravery to go ahead and take the plunge. It's a risk but you may find out that the reward of a strong support network which you can rely on is worth it. Honestly, these days, I don't think kink is as taboo as it once was and you can even use some current media to help put things on the table. Hell, even the Simpson's have a safe word. You can always tell folks that if it's good enough for Marge and Homer it's good enough for you. [:D] Best of luck!

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