married sub, with a Dom

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CuriousPalmySub -> married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:02:56 AM)
My Dom isnt my hubby. he gave me a test today that was in real life, during day to day things and I told him about it. I had a friend over and my Dom knew this, I havent seen this friend in 6 months and we fell out. so this was the first catch up in that time so much has happened for her in that time the instruction was that he was going to come by for a short time and then leave - on the understanding he would be here to see my hubby and pick something up. I didnt let him in, and talked to him at the door but because I had agreed and then not let him know that things had changed, there are consequences. he gets that I am protective and he understands and is proud of the way i was protective and showed empathy, but he was not happy at the way i didnt give any consideration to him so now because it was a test in real life and outside the bedroom, my hubby is spitting the dummy. He sees it has crossing a line and that I am addicted and can't switch it off, even though my Dom and I had discussed it and I agreed and wanted to do it. to me, I didnt follow instructions and therefore he has every right to punish me. My hubby is telling me its part his boundaries, therefore it shouldnt have happened. my question is, Does anyone else there have the same set up and what say does your hubby get over your D/s relationship?

FieryOpal -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:18:44 AM)
You have an open marriage, or is it one-sidedly open on your behalf for engaging in BDSM? I see from your profile that you consider the 3 of you to form your nucleus. What does "my hubby is spitting the dummy" mean? (I'm an American who only knows one New Zealander who has never used this saying.)

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:48:24 AM)
yes its a nucleus. Hubby is cuck (not in the degrading humiliation manner) so he would watch our D/s sessions when able to and if things got too much for him he could remove himself from that. So today he wasnt here. but has told me he wants to walk away and that it is consuming my life (this is the first test outside of the bedroom) and that I have no control over it. My Dom and I had discussed the test prior to it taking place and I could have red lighted at any time to call it off but didn't give him the consideration to let him know htat I couldn't do the test with my friend here.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:51:39 AM)
my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:53:08 AM)
If your husband doesn't appreciate your Dom taking it out of the bedroom, you have a choice to make: Do you care more about what your Dom wants, or about what your husband wants? Your husband has every right to not want your D/s relationship to extend beyond a certain point, and you and your D extending it further than previously agreed without discussing it with him was disrespectful.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 12:54:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that. What about your husband's boundaries and limits? Clearly you've found a limit of his, so what are you going to do? Are you going to respect that limit, break it off with him, or non-consensually violate his limits without discussing it?

FieryOpal -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 1:05:04 AM)
I'm probably the last person who can give you advice on polyamorous arrangements or open marriages. The problem I see is this. You have two Doms. Your "cuckolded" husband is your Voyeur (passive) Dom, and he is in charge of permitting access to your bedroom (active) BDSM Dom. quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that. Right now, what you are saying is called "Topping from the bottom." You are the submissive. If you wish to renegotiate your dynamics with your husband, then do so respectfully. He IS your husband and vanilla, chocolate or strawberry, he is the primary in your D/s--this other man is actually your Top, not your Master.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 1:18:14 AM)
yes, I have some considerations to make. No my Dom is not my master. I don't do well with masters at all. my definition of "out of the bedroom" is different to my husbands, that has become very clear. I'm not thowing away an 11 year marriage for D/s

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 2:03:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar If your husband doesn't appreciate your Dom taking it out of the bedroom, you have a choice to make: Do you care more about what your Dom wants, or about what your husband wants? Your husband has every right to not want your D/s relationship to extend beyond a certain point, and you and your D extending it further than previously agreed without discussing it with him was disrespectful. This is exactly what I was thinking. Am I understanding this right? Husband has agreed you can have a dom but it needs to be bedroom only, not spilling over into the rest of your life. You have decided that you want to have some non-bedroom orders and 'tests'. The dom decided to test you by visiting the house at a time when it might have interfered with your relationship with a friend. You failed this test and he wants to punish you. Husband is not happy because he feels this is overstepping the boundaries he agreed to. Sorry, but from the information you've provided, I'm on husband's side. A lot of guys would be entirely against you having a dom at all, and it's perfectly reasonable that he expects you to stick to the boundaries you've negotiated. Saying 'but it's not fair because me and dom want to do xyz' sounds a bit selfish - it's not fair on your husband to entirely ignore his comfort and since he's the one you married.... I'm not saying that you have to go without your exploration forever. But changing the rules on your husband is extremely unfair. I'm sure you'd be upset if the situation was reversed. So, either stick with your agreement and keep it in the bedroom, renegotiate some new boundaries that both you AND hubby think will work, or decide your desire for domination is more important than your marriage and walk away. Don't just do as you please and act surprised when he's unhappy. Same goes for dominant guy. He knew you were married and shouldn't be pressuring you to change the agreement so he can get more of what he wants. As a side note, I'm always dubious of testing the sub. What was letting him come by for a short visit supposed to test, exactly? And if he's proud of you for doing the right thing, why did he put you in an awkward situation where you had to either upset the friend or earn a punishment? That seems like a dodgy road to go down. Edit after reading profile. You have TPE within your trio. What does that mean? Who is in charge of who? Because you don't have total power exchange with your dom if it's supposed to be bedroom only and your husband has placed limits on it. Apparently your husband doesn't have total power over you either, since you don't think he should be allowed to draw a line. What does TPE mean to you?

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 2:27:09 AM)
TPE in our case is that my Dom views my hubby has Alpha. during our sessions together it is the power exchange that happens between us all. I'll hand it over, Dom gives it back, Hubby takes it and hands it back. No i dont want to walk away from my hubby. so that leaves the option of work it out and renegotiate. No I'm not acting surprised, I was asking if anyone else is in a similar situation and what rules they have from their husband. Yes he knew I was married, no he isn't pushing me to do anything, we talked about it and neither of us saw it as going outside the bedroom. It was simply a test to see If i could be around him with others around. it wasnt him stepping into my house saying "im her dom" he came to ask a couple of questions and stayed all of a minute. But i have had enough feedback thanks and will go and work this out with that in mind. thanks.

windchymes -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 5:09:05 AM)
I think your hubby has found that being a "cuck" sounds titillating, but may have been better left as a fantasy. Triads usually get complicated. Yes, there are some that it works for, but in general, we see way more complaints, problems and bad endings posted in here when a couple decided to bring a third into the bedroom. People unexpectedly become jealous, or develop feelings they didn't think they'd develop, or one or more of the parties involved don't follow the rules, and so on. If your playtime was only supposed to be in the bedroom, WHY did the dom feel the need to "test" you to see how you were around others??? I do agree that, if you value your marriage, hubby has priority and the final say.

Blueswordsman -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 6:18:52 AM)
CuriousPalmySub, I have a similar relationship with a married couple half my age. They selected me because I did not pose a love interest nor was I in a position to out them. We only meet in her home when the husband plays cards. There is no intercourse or romance. Although her husband knows we meet, he knows nothing about what we do. Her husband and I never talk. It has been working out for almost 10 months. In my opinion this kind of tri-relationship relies on boundaries. When you crossed boundaries you run the risk of lousing up your marriage or your D/s relationship, maybe both. Since you and your Dom stepped out of bounds and certain actions upset your husband. I think you should have a serious discussion. Then meet with you alpha husband and reassure him it will not happen again. I hope it works out for you and you get to enjoy your consequences.

angelikaJ -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 6:37:14 AM)
The boundaries and limits are for you to determine and for your dom to agree to or not. I assume you arrive at some of those boundaries and limits with your husband's input. But if your dom is unwilling to agree to your boundaries and your limits, then find a dominant partner who is.

kalikshama -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 6:43:37 AM)
quote: I was asking if anyone else is in a similar situation and what rules they have from their husband. LadyPact is in a D/D marriage and has often said if kink were to threaten her marriage, her marriage would come first. I'm with your husband on this one. It's all well and good to explore limits, but you have to do so in such a way that does not cause unreasonable friction in your primary relationship.

MisterP61 -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 7:05:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman Since you and your Dom stepped out of bounds and certain actions upset your husband. I think you should have a serious discussion. Then meet with you alpha husband and reassure him it will not happen again. I hope it works out for you and you get to enjoy your consequences. ^^^^^This. Yes I agreed with you Blue!!!! I know shock huh? As kalikshama said LadyPact and I are a D/D couple. She is in the "guest" bedroom with tk as we speak. Boundaries do get crossed from time to time, and some times We have "heated" (if there is no passion in the disagreement, there is no passion in the marriage IMO) discussions about it. That is the key to any relationship. Communication.

OsideGirl -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 8:15:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that. Your husband is your primary relationship and your Dom needs to learn to respect your husband's boundaries. It was very disrespectful of your Dom to do what he did. I'll also add that a Dominant that breaks their agreements isn't really a good thing and yet, you're not even questioning that. Instead, you're questioning your husband. This is why relationships where the sub is married to one man and subbing to another almost never works. Because sooner or later there ends up being a power struggle and the sub is the one that ends up losing.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 9:24:30 AM)
~FRing it~ Husband has said it's gone past his limit. That's really all that need be said for you to need to hit the pause button and have a serious sit down with him regarding this. For an open relationship to work, the primary relationship boundaries have to be respected. Talk openly and honestly with each other.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 9:34:12 AM)
FR If your dom really saw your husband as the alpha, he wouldn't have over-stepped what appears to me to be clear cut boundaries. Do you not see that this supposed dom is causing trouble in your marriage? I agree with Athena, you are so very lucky to have an understanding husband. And yet you took his permission to have a dom in your life and shat on it. Stop that. Kick that 'dom' to the curb and try to repair your relationship with your husband.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 6:04:01 PM)
Thank you for that. It is very true - yes it was a passionate, fiery disagreement that has been resolved. what My Dom and I viewed as being ok, clearly wasn't. I wanted to test what I would be like around someone - she was not a vanilla friend. My husband and I have swung for 10 years, having a 3rd party in our marriage is normal for us. This is the first time I have had a Dom and actually submitted with the need to submit. not roleplay. My husband thought that my Dom was disciplining me for the purpose of putting my friend first, where he wasn't. He was disciplining me for not having the courtesy to let him know that things have changed in the test circumstances and it wasn't a suitable time. Any other friend or situation, I would message to say plans had changed. I can see and agree with why he felt the correction and discipline was warranted. So my Dom and I are stepping back from that and back into the bedroom and within the boundaries. we have worked through everything and respecting my husband. My Dom completely respected MY boundaries and has never done anything I didnt agree to. We also have a friendship with him and my husband and he catch up for coffees and socialise. It's not just I see him and all is separate. Thank you for the advice on here. I will continue enjoying my Dom and my husband.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 6:08:53 PM)
neither my Dom or I saw it as taking it outside the bedroom. The whole point was the mental side of the test - watching me squirm while I controlled my inner wants and needs. I was very happy for that to take place. Again, All is sorted. My Dom does respect my husband and in knowing that we have crossed boundaries has also stated not to do it again and we know where the clear line is. Before neither of us was too sure of "out of the bedroom" meant. My definition of that was my daily life - what to eat, wear, do, see, social activities etc etc. I don't want that Dom. Once it starts encroaching on that, then I would kick him to the curb. I don't let things go so easily and I do my best to work things out with all involved before walking away.

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