RE: married sub, with a Dom

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JeffBC -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 8:45:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub Again, All is sorted. My Dom does respect my husband and in knowing that we have crossed boundaries has also stated not to do it again and we know where the clear line is. Before neither of us was too sure of "out of the bedroom" meant. Yay! For what it's worth, I've been there too... where you thought you understood someone else's boundary but it turns out you didn't. These things happen. In the end, so long as the power structure is clear and uncontested then your husband's position is not threatened and stuff like this ought to be easy to resolve. When I first read this I almost responded something like, "Well if I was your husband I'd invite the Dom over for drinks and a pleasant, casual, and friendly conversation where we would get the boundary business sorted."

DesFIP -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/18/2014 9:02:33 PM)
You either operate inside your husband's comfort zone or you are throwing away your marriage. Those are your choices. I understand that you feel your husband's limits are unfairly constraining you, but you don't get to set his limits. Only he does. You agree to follow them or you accept that you are no longer compatible and should part ways. BTW, your dominant's an ass. He's never had a friend show up unexpectedly? He expected you to kick out your friend so he could get his dick sucked? The test was him being someone respectful of your life, who deserves to be in your life and he failed. Because he doesn't care about your life. He just cares about himself. I suggest you explore nonsexual submission with your husband and s & m in public clubs while your husband is there to call red if things go too far.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 2:53:43 AM)
This is completely irrelevant and not helpful at all ----- why.... because you TOTALLY misunderstood everything I have said. No my Dom was not turning up to get his dick sucked. the only one looking like an ass here is you. I have said time and time again, It is resolved. My Dom and hubby are catching up for drinks this week and we are all catching up after that happens. He didn't expect or ask me to throw my friend out and if you was proud of the fact that I protected my friend.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 2:56:52 AM)
Thank you for that. you've actaulyl read what I have been saying. Yes, now after clearing up what we both view as "out of the bedroom" I completely agree with his boundaries and will work inside them. the issue was that it involved a 3rd party outside us who unwillingly (because at the time my friend didnt know) was involved in the test. This is what was too far for him. quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub Again, All is sorted. My Dom does respect my husband and in knowing that we have crossed boundaries has also stated not to do it again and we know where the clear line is. Before neither of us was too sure of "out of the bedroom" meant. Yay! For what it's worth, I've been there too... where you thought you understood someone else's boundary but it turns out you didn't. These things happen. In the end, so long as the power structure is clear and uncontested then your husband's position is not threatened and stuff like this ought to be easy to resolve. When I first read this I almost responded something like, "Well if I was your husband I'd invite the Dom over for drinks and a pleasant, casual, and friendly conversation where we would get the boundary business sorted."

LadyConstanze -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 3:09:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MisterP61 ^^^^^This. Yes I agreed with you Blue!!!! I know shock huh? As kalikshama said LadyPact and I are a D/D couple. She is in the "guest" bedroom with tk as we speak. Boundaries do get crossed from time to time, and some times We have "heated" (if there is no passion in the disagreement, there is no passion in the marriage IMO) discussions about it. That is the key to any relationship. Communication. I just realized how much passion there must be in my marriage ;) Though we can't get too heated or the dogs will get upset and howl, so heated discussions usually have to take place somewhere else, and the good thing is, until we reached a discrete and secluded place, we had time to calm down.... But I agree with what everybody said, might not be a big deal for the OP and her dom, I can even see where he's coming from, but if the husband feels it's not working for him, you will have to make a choice. From what you wrote later, I assume it was just a problem you had communicating, catching up for drinks and sorting out things, making sure everybody knows where they stand seems to be the way to go.

GoddessManko -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 3:15:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub yes, I have some considerations to make. No my Dom is not my master. I don't do well with masters at all. my definition of "out of the bedroom" is different to my husbands, that has become very clear. I'm not thowing away an 11 year marriage for D/s This is the most important thing you have said. Despite this issue being resolved, there was a clear red flag here. This is different from LadyP and MrP's relationship because you're essentially subbing for two men vs being the one calling the shots. Now as a sub, and being a novice to this lifestyle I'm going to tell you something extremely important. The rules are NEVER, and I mean NEVER to be broken by your Dom/ Top/ Master/ Alpha. If you have certain limits during play for example, HARD LIMITS, he should respect that. Outside of play, out of respect for your clearly loving and understanding husband, he needs to get that, or it won't work and these issues will continue to arise or get worse. This man is clearly doing territorial pissings all over your personal relationships and it is NOT OK, and you shouldn't excuse it so easily. I get that you want this dynamic to work and therefore you are letting things slide more than you probably should. And your husband is probably trying to accommodate to make you happy. But you REALLY need to understand that breaking rules within this lifestyle is just unacceptable. Especially when the rules are broken by a Dom. You should listen to some of the advice given on here, these people have been in the lifestyle for quite some time. I hope it works out but don't allow some sort of "sub frenzy" to jeopardize your marriage. Prioritizing is important going forward.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 5:47:34 PM)
Thanks Goddess, Yes I am aware I am a novice, we all are in this. My Dom and hubby caught up today and cleared the air, I cleared everything with him last night and made sure I fully understood his boundaries. There wont be any more breaking the rules because I know where that leads. No my Dom isnt pissing all over our marriage marking territory at all and I wish everyone would get that. my Dom and I didn't realise that by involving a 3rd person (without them knowing the background) that it would be over that line. we know that now and it WONT HAPPEN AGAIN. quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub yes, I have some considerations to make. No my Dom is not my master. I don't do well with masters at all. my definition of "out of the bedroom" is different to my husbands, that has become very clear. I'm not thowing away an 11 year marriage for D/s This is the most important thing you have said. Despite this issue being resolved, there was a clear red flag here. This is different from LadyP and MrP's relationship because you're essentially subbing for two men vs being the one calling the shots. Now as a sub, and being a novice to this lifestyle I'm going to tell you something extremely important. The rules are NEVER, and I mean NEVER to be broken by your Dom/ Top/ Master/ Alpha. If you have certain limits during play for example, HARD LIMITS, he should respect that. Outside of play, out of respect for your clearly loving and understanding husband, he needs to get that, or it won't work and these issues will continue to arise or get worse. This man is clearly doing territorial pissings all over your personal relationships and it is NOT OK, and you shouldn't excuse it so easily. I get that you want this dynamic to work and therefore you are letting things slide more than you probably should. And your husband is probably trying to accommodate to make you happy. But you REALLY need to understand that breaking rules within this lifestyle is just unacceptable. Especially when the rules are broken by a Dom. You should listen to some of the advice given on here, these people have been in the lifestyle for quite some time. I hope it works out but don't allow some sort of "sub frenzy" to jeopardize your marriage. Prioritizing is important going forward.

MisterP61 -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 5:50:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub Thanks Goddess, Yes I am aware I am a novice, we all are in this. My Dom and hubby caught up today and cleared the air, I cleared everything with him last night and made sure I fully understood his boundaries. There wont be any more breaking the rules because I know where that leads. No my Dom isnt pissing all over our marriage marking territory at all and I wish everyone would get that. my Dom and I didn't realise that by involving a 3rd person (without them knowing the background) that it would be over that line. we know that now and it WONT HAPPEN AGAIN. quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub yes, I have some considerations to make. No my Dom is not my master. I don't do well with masters at all. my definition of "out of the bedroom" is different to my husbands, that has become very clear. I'm not thowing away an 11 year marriage for D/s This is the most important thing you have said. Despite this issue being resolved, there was a clear red flag here. This is different from LadyP and MrP's relationship because you're essentially subbing for two men vs being the one calling the shots. Now as a sub, and being a novice to this lifestyle I'm going to tell you something extremely important. The rules are NEVER, and I mean NEVER to be broken by your Dom/ Top/ Master/ Alpha. If you have certain limits during play for example, HARD LIMITS, he should respect that. Outside of play, out of respect for your clearly loving and understanding husband, he needs to get that, or it won't work and these issues will continue to arise or get worse. This man is clearly doing territorial pissings all over your personal relationships and it is NOT OK, and you shouldn't excuse it so easily. I get that you want this dynamic to work and therefore you are letting things slide more than you probably should. And your husband is probably trying to accommodate to make you happy. But you REALLY need to understand that breaking rules within this lifestyle is just unacceptable. Especially when the rules are broken by a Dom. You should listen to some of the advice given on here, these people have been in the lifestyle for quite some time. I hope it works out but don't allow some sort of "sub frenzy" to jeopardize your marriage. Prioritizing is important going forward. Key lesson here. Remain teachable. Things are going to be in a constant state of flux throughout. Back to that old standard... COMMUNICATION... Key to everything. Glad things are working out better for you. [:)]

littlewonder -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 6:25:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that. Your husband IS your red line. Your marriage should come first...period! Your husband is right. It's gone beyond the boundaries he set from the beginning. It sounds like this was supposed to just be a kinky thing during cuck play but now it's become more than that and your husband, and rightly so, is upset. So which do you care about more? Your marriage? Or your Dom?

JeffBC -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/19/2014 9:12:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub Thank you for that. you've actaulyl read what I have been saying. laughs Everyone gets lucky now and then. More seriously I think what's going on here is that you've brushed up unknowingly against a collarme meme. We get an awful lot of spouses wanting to explore BDSM here and doing so in all manner of highly sketchy ways. So I think you're getting lumped into that category as a reflex reaction. I note it's still going on despite the fact that you have (again) clarified that you get it... husband gets to set the boundaries... dom gets that same thing... no power struggle present. I do, however, agree with LW's post just above. I get it that you may have some areas you wish to explore which are outside your husband's limits. That, sadly, falls into the "tough luck" category. At that point you are choosing between single-you and married-you. Choose wisely.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 3:33:12 PM)
FIRSTLY, no - the definitions of boundaries were not clear from the start. SECONDLY - no it isnt just kinky fun with the 3 of us, I see him on my own also which was agreed at the beginning. THIRDLY - my husband is more important to me. IF you read it all, its all sorted. quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub my husband has said that its gone past his boundaries and limits and I am trying to point out that I am with my Dom to explore my limits and boundaries and learn about myself. I can't do that if he has a red line around things if my boundaries and limits go beyond that. Your husband IS your red line. Your marriage should come first...period! Your husband is right. It's gone beyond the boundaries he set from the beginning. It sounds like this was supposed to just be a kinky thing during cuck play but now it's become more than that and your husband, and rightly so, is upset. So which do you care about more? Your marriage? Or your Dom?

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 3:35:47 PM)
Thank you. No i'm not choosing between single me and married me, I have stated very clearly that I get his boundary of involving other people and having tests in public (his definition of public is anyone outside out trio - knowing or unknowing being involved) Thank you for that - nice to know i'm not just lumped in there by all. You advice has actually been very helpful. quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub Thank you for that. you've actaulyl read what I have been saying. laughs Everyone gets lucky now and then. More seriously I think what's going on here is that you've brushed up unknowingly against a collarme meme. We get an awful lot of spouses wanting to explore BDSM here and doing so in all manner of highly sketchy ways. So I think you're getting lumped into that category as a reflex reaction. I note it's still going on despite the fact that you have (again) clarified that you get it... husband gets to set the boundaries... dom gets that same thing... no power struggle present. I do, however, agree with LW's post just above. I get it that you may have some areas you wish to explore which are outside your husband's limits. That, sadly, falls into the "tough luck" category. At that point you are choosing between single-you and married-you. Choose wisely.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 3:37:21 PM)
JeffBC, Meant to say, I have no interest in pushing those boundaries of public tests - no interest at all to me. Yes I would like to be able to have a public coffee with him socially but not as a test. So there is no struggle because now knowing exactly what that boundary is and why, I wont push it, not worth it. Period.

JeffBC -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 4:13:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub JeffBC, Meant to say, I have no interest in pushing those boundaries of public tests - no interest at all to me. Yes I would like to be able to have a public coffee with him socially but not as a test. So there is no struggle because now knowing exactly what that boundary is and why, I wont push it, not worth it. Period. Well, not that my opinion counts for anything but I'm glad. I'm pretty pro-marriage and even more pro-honor so I automatically think your husband ALWAYS gets veto power in such an arrangement no matter what BDSM power arrangements are made. It sounds like you agree :)

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 4:35:23 PM)
Yes I do agree. Communication is key and we had a break down. It has been very helpful knowing this and learning from it. Certainly not off on a "sub frenzy" as it has been called previously. I'm in this for the long haul knowing that I need to sub, I will make it work and my husband comes first. Vito or otherwise. Fortunately they actually get along, socialise and it works as he fits into our marriage. quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousPalmySub JeffBC, Meant to say, I have no interest in pushing those boundaries of public tests - no interest at all to me. Yes I would like to be able to have a public coffee with him socially but not as a test. So there is no struggle because now knowing exactly what that boundary is and why, I wont push it, not worth it. Period. Well, not that my opinion counts for anything but I'm glad. I'm pretty pro-marriage and even more pro-honor so I automatically think your husband ALWAYS gets veto power in such an arrangement no matter what BDSM power arrangements are made. It sounds like you agree :)

LafayetteLady -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/20/2014 10:58:41 PM)
I don't think the majority are lumping you in any group. I don't know anyone here who has issues with a married person exploring with someone outside their spouse, when the spouse is aware and consenting. What I think has happened, I don't even necessarily think of as a breakdown in communication. Its a lovely thought to think that EVERY possibility must be discussed beforehand, but not realistic. Especially with novices, there. Are things people don't think of until they come up. It seems everyone in your situation kind of didn't think about another in the group, for whatever reason, mostly because when we ourselves don't think of something as "off" we don't always realize someone else might think it is. You all took a step back, re_evaluated, taking this new concern into consideration and are moving forward knowing now everyones view on the issue. While this same thing may not likely happen again, something else probably will. That's not a dig, that's reality. How you deal with it is what counts, and it seems you all dealt with it just fine. The only thing you all might think about moving forward is if anything comes up that has not been specifically discussed, then discuss it before moving forward.

LadyPact -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/21/2014 4:36:03 AM)
MP mentioned this thread to Me a couple of days ago. I'm glad that it's all sorted now, so what I have to say here might not matter much. Still...... You know, it's ok to make a mistake. You're just feeling things out and it's ok not to be perfect. When people are delving into poly, sometimes, these things do come up. It sounds to Me that you have a pretty understanding husband. I do, too. It's great to have someone who loves you enough to allow another in your life. That's pretty awesome, if you think about it. There's a lot of material out there about poly relationships and being the spoke in the wheel. (The middle person in V type poly.) If you want some links, I'll try to help out.

CuriousPalmySub -> RE: married sub, with a Dom (3/22/2014 1:35:06 AM)
Wow!!! Thank you. that would be great if you could email me thanks. Yes It has been sorted finally. :) quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact MP mentioned this thread to Me a couple of days ago. I'm glad that it's all sorted now, so what I have to say here might not matter much. Still...... You know, it's ok to make a mistake. You're just feeling things out and it's ok not to be perfect. When people are delving into poly, sometimes, these things do come up. It sounds to Me that you have a pretty understanding husband. I do, too. It's great to have someone who loves you enough to allow another in your life. That's pretty awesome, if you think about it. There's a lot of material out there about poly relationships and being the spoke in the wheel. (The middle person in V type poly.) If you want some links, I'll try to help out.

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