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What if Play turns into Love? - 7/7/2006 11:34:56 PM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

I'm another newbie..so new infact, I haven't had a first scene yet.
A little background- I met someone casually a few months ago (in the vanilla world) and we started chatting online. He was able to focus on the submissive nature that I have hidden, and brought it to the surface. We have been exploring needs and wants and he has given time to research the lifestyle, ask questions and really just explore myself before suggesting a meeting. He says that we will know when the time is right. We are local so he has taken the time to gain my trust and to form a bond.
Here's the problem - I feel the bond that is growing and am amazed by the connection I feel. He is not looking for a 24/7 relationship and I don't think that I am either. (Just great sex, fulfilling the needs). I am very afraid that the connection for me will transfer or grow into love. The thought scares the panties off me. Falling in love doesn't scare me; having to fall out of love scares me. The pain scares me.
I know that one risks their feelings anytime they embark on a new journey. But I've never experienced this type of connection with another person so early in a relationship. I'm trying to take a step back and weigh the risks.
Can anyone give me some advice?

Post #: 1

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 4:32:33 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Wow, this is a question I've rarely seen asked -and I think one whose time has certainly come. I personally don't know the answer, or even have a well-thought out opinion (give me time, I might come up with one). Forgive me, I am just like you in many ways - "new" (to a degree) and even if this question might not pertain to me this very minute, I have to confess I have always wondered the same exact thing.

Hope you get lots of responses from people who may have experienced this (or, failing that, well-thought out opinions, at least).

I realize love doesn't have to be part of a simple D/s dynamic, too. For others, that seems to be the goal or something they would prefer to have as part of the dynamic, especially if it is anything akin to a full-blown "relationship".

But, the question is: What if it happens?

This point may have not much (or quite a bit) of bearing on the topic, but -
I, for one, don't think it's untrue that men and women are "wired differently" when it comes to what sex does to their heads and hearts.

I've usually thought that for many men, sex is can be an expression of their emotions (such as deep caring, or love), but, they don't necessarily have as much of a need to feel caring to have sex as many girls I know do. It's not a prerequisite, necessarily.

For many girls I know, they have to at least feel something pretty akin to caring before they really want to engage in anything deeply intimate (and I do consider bdsm "intimate" - that's me).

I think it is an excellent question you ask here.
Thank you for asking it.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/8/2006 4:50:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 2

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 5:10:17 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I don't think you can stop love if it's meant to be. I agree with thinking about the risk and perhaps preparing your heart for if it doesn't last. But, why would you want to stop love? It's the most wonderful emotion.

My Dom wasn't going to fall in love with me when we met. He was planning on meeting me for a week and having some really hot sex and explore the lifestyle. He thought wrong. We are very much in love with each other and I for one can't imagine it any other way.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 3

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 5:20:02 AM

gardenbluebird

Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

Sometimes pain is the price of a life well lived. Perhaps you will fall in love, perhaps you will not. Perhaps that love will be returned, perhaps it will not. The love may the the kind that makes life beautiful, or it may be the kind that just hurts. There is no way to know. All i know is that love is a gift and a privledge of the human condition.

There is one thing that was said to me not too long ago that may apply in this situation. "Life is uncertain, by attempting to shield yourself from pain you may deprive yourself of much joy."

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 4

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 5:46:11 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

To me is there is some danger in scening with someone and having your emotions get carried away. The intensity of the scening, the amount of trust it takes, the closeness you can feel to someone in those intense moments can make you think you love someone. Maybe you will fall in love, maybe you won't. The thing to remember is that in play situations those emotions are often there when they aren't outside the scene. When not playing use your logical mind to continue to assess what the relationship really is and if you want it to go further than scening partners.

.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)

Post #: 5

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 6:00:02 AM

subfempisces

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline

i have had some experience with this...a few months of meeting with a certain Dom led to me having deep emotional ties with Him, and ultimately, i found i had to tell Him that i was starting to fall in love with Him. He did not feel the same way, but i did not regret telling Him. It ultimately ended the relationship.....however, i learned many things from Him and feel that overall, i am a better person for having known Him. Yes, it hurt. But sometimes the overall lesson is more important than someone's ego. i feel that i gave 100% in the relationship...and that i have nothing to be ashamed of. And now....i am free to find the One i am meant for. Good luck to you :)

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 6

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 6:05:51 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

Here's the problem - I feel the bond that is growing and am amazed by the connection I feel. He is not looking for a 24/7 relationship and I don't think that I am either. (Just great sex, fulfilling the needs). I am very afraid that the connection for me will transfer or grow into love. The thought scares the panties off me. Falling in love doesn't scare me; having to fall out of love scares me. The pain scares me.
I know that one risks their feelings anytime they embark on a new journey. But I've never experienced this type of connection with another person so early in a relationship. I'm trying to take a step back and weigh the risks.
Can anyone give me some advice?

I am trying to figure out why we are putting the cart before the horse on this one. These are the things that concern me:

1. Why does he not want 24/7?.. is he married and therefore CANNOT give you 24/7? If this is not the case..how do you know this wont change if HE should come to fall in love with you as well? You seem to assume you are the only one being affected by this relationship.

2. Anytime you interact with another human being you risk being hurt emotionally by them. There are two ways to avoid this.. stay enclosed in a room with no interaction, or turn off your feelings to everyone you come in contact with. To me, neither of these are healthy options. So my response is.. welcome to the human race! <smiles>

3. You say you are new.. and this is a very common thing to have these intense feelings. Sometimes they are more intense for simply never having had them before. You are focusing on them so heavily because they are strong and your focus is just making them stronger.. And oh lord the desire is just driving you crazy.. LOL...This is absolutely normal to almost everyone who starts out with this.

Pattiann, be patient with yourself. Do not be afraid of what you feel as you go through this journey but instead be aware. Be aware of how your feelings cause you to act. Being a submissive means to feel much. There is no getting past that one. Take your time..but know that if you are with someone you trust, you should share these thoughts with him as well. Do your best to keep your sanity and dont assume that the feelings you are feeling are love. They may be just that.. or they may just be desire and lust. It is so easy to confuse the two.

This post is kind of rambling I know.. it most likely offers no answers for you..but maybe it will give you something to think about.

Good luck and enjoy the ride!

< Message edited by JessieMe -- 7/8/2006 6:07:17 AM >

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 7

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 6:21:48 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

You cant live your life with what ifs. It is the most emotional, turbulent, and fulfilling relationship you will ever experience. Love will only make it better. I would rather expereince the pain of "falling out" then to have missed the love I give and get from my Master.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 7/8/2006 6:23:12 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 8

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 6:30:19 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

I agree with the OP that falling 'out of love' is more painful than falling in love. Falling in love is grand...however, to the OP....often say this to myself and it helps. Perhaps it will help you as well?
1. You can learn lessons in life two ways: You can learn through love. You can learn through fear. Which way do you wish to learn?
2. I often say this to myself. It is a quote from the movie Steel Magnolias. "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than an lifetime of nothing."

Best of luck to you,
Irishbynature

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 9

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 7:32:58 AM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

To: Jessie Me ( I still haven't figured out all the nuances of this type of message board)

Not rambling, thinking, and it was great. You made some valid points and I appreciate your opinion. Here are the answers I came up with:
1. He isn't married. He has a gf that just moved out of state and is looking for someone to 'pickup the slack' between her visits. (my words not his) He seems so in control of himself. I would have to question whether or not he would 'allow' himself to adjust his goals.
2. Having spent several years alone, as a result of a mentally abusive relationship, I am just emerging from that room with the closed door. I'm guarding my heard with a sharp sword.
3. Sometimes I do feel crazy because of the intensity of the feelings. Thought I was just wierd. Glad I'm not!

May I email you privately with questions?

< Message edited by pattiann -- 7/8/2006 7:37:08 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 10

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 8:52:10 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

I'm another newbie..so new infact, I haven't had a first scene yet.
A little background- I met someone casually a few months ago (in the vanilla world) and we started chatting online. He was able to focus on the submissive nature that I have hidden, and brought it to the surface. We have been exploring needs and wants and he has given time to research the lifestyle, ask questions and really just explore myself before suggesting a meeting. He says that we will know when the time is right. We are local so he has taken the time to gain my trust and to form a bond.
Here's the problem - I feel the bond that is growing and am amazed by the connection I feel. He is not looking for a 24/7 relationship and I don't think that I am either. (Just great sex, fulfilling the needs). I am very afraid that the connection for me will transfer or grow into love. The thought scares the panties off me. Falling in love doesn't scare me; having to fall out of love scares me. The pain scares me.
I know that one risks their feelings anytime they embark on a new journey. But I've never experienced this type of connection with another person so early in a relationship. I'm trying to take a step back and weigh the risks.
Can anyone give me some advice?

I see a couple of things that concern me when I read your posting. You say that he is local, but you continue to interact online. I would wonder why meeting for coffee isn't an option at this point. I think bonds can be formed to a certain extent online, but until you meet face to face, there is always some sort of unkown. I also saw in your later posting that he is simply looking for someone to "pick up the slack" in between visits with his girlfriend. Falling in love with someone who sees you as a substitute sexual plaything until his girlfriend comes along wouldn't be wise, in my opinion.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 11

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 9:03:24 AM

thegunslinger

Posts: 81
Joined: 6/4/2006
From: Grand Rapids, Michigan
Status: offline

Scening and the lifestyle take a large amount of trust for Me, that's why I was in a vanilla relationship for a while before venturing into the mint choclate chip end of things.

_____________________________

"The essence of domination is to take another's power and then use it for mutual pleasure." - John Warren

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 12

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 9:20:44 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Play tends to bring up powerful emotions. After all, for mos of us, we're breaking through emotional walls. This means that infatuation is easy to fall under and it's easy to get caught up in. I think that's the reason for so many velcro collars in the community.

I always suggest waiting several months to really see who that persons. It may be that beyond the play, sexuality, D/s, you may not even like who that person is.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to thegunslinger)

Post #: 13

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 2:23:35 PM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann
1. He isn't married. He has a gf that just moved out of state and is looking for someone to 'pickup the slack' between her visits. (my words not his) He seems so in control of himself. I would have to question whether or not he would 'allow' himself to adjust his goals.
2. Having spent several years alone, as a result of a mentally abusive relationship, I am just emerging from that room with the closed door. I'm guarding my heard with a sharp sword.
3. Sometimes I do feel crazy because of the intensity of the feelings. Thought I was just wierd. Glad I'm not!

Oh, dear one......herein lies the problem, IMO....

It's great to hear that you are moving beyond the victimization of EA/MA, and I hope you have sought some counseling on how to heal and reclaim your sense of self, learning to define your own reality and set boundaries once again. It really does help, and can lessen that feeling of awaiting attack within a developing relationship...

Discovering and cultivating deep, buried feelings within your own sexuality is a delicious process, but it can also be consuming when one takes the first steps into exploring it real-time. The first person you feel a connection with who has empathized with your feelings and seems to 'know you' inside and out can forge a very intense bond, and I don't blame you for feeling afraid to proceed. Your own inner checks-and-balances system is setting off the alarm bells here with this guy - who has basically defined the relationship before it has even really began. While I won't say, of course, that people don't fall in love, surprise themselves and one another, and things don't change, it happens less than it probably should, and devastation and loss is too often the result.

One might say it is better to have loved and lost, but do take inventory of your feelings and be honest with yourself about what you want and need. If you already feel uncomfortable proceeding with someone who you feel doesn't or won't return the depth of the feelings you already have, it may be wise to seek another partner more compatible with whom you *can* develop something lasting and meaningful.

That said, honest communication never hurts, so do talk to him about how you feel. Sometimes another's reaction, (or lack thereof), to this honesty is all the answer one needs to make a sound decision.

Best,

~Thea

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 14

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 2:43:21 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Fast reply....

I would say just guard your heart the best you can. My late Master told me not to fall in love with him so i was very careful not too. My current Master i am crazy in love with and he with me. it may be hard but just try to guard you heart againet falling for this man until you are sure or resonalble sure it is returned. Thies are just my thoughts on the matter.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MistressTheaZ)

Post #: 15

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 3:04:05 PM

mylittlesub

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

A good question! One that I think is more commonly asked than you might think. A great deal of your question can be tied to your upbringing and societal views on what the word "love" means, your social values, and the newness of your exploration into BDSM.

As you did mention that you have not yet "had a first scene" yet, I would suggest that you continue to take his advice and explore yourself. The journey of self-exploration is the biggest and most important part of being in a D/s relationship - because if you cannot know yourself, you have no way of communicating your needs and desires to another. Sometimes even when we think we are being honest with a partner, we have not yet fully realized a part of ourselves. The beauty of exploring your BDSM interests is how it pushes you to explore those dark, deep corners of your mind that many people never wish to look into.

First and foremost, honesty, trust and communication are an important part of any relationship - and most especially in a D/s relationship. It may also be that your concern about "falling in love" with this person may be because you are experiencing the wonderful realization that a D/s relationship can open doors and establish the type of communication between two people that very few vanilla relationships ever achieve - and you're doing it before even meeting this man

That's plenty to give any "newbie" a "ohmigoshthismustbeloveitfeelssogood" high! *grin*

Allow yourself the freedom to enjoy and revel in the self-exploration and self-discovery you are doing - and give yourself permission to take the time to digest everything you are experiencing, feeling, and thinking. You are fortunate to have found someone who is patient and aware that you may need time to get "up to speed" with this lifestyle. But, don't interpret gratitude as love - maybe more luck *wink*

When you DO have your first scene (and any thereafter), you may very well enjoy the sexual aspects so much that your Lust MeterTM goes haywire... and if you're like I was after my first scene, you'll swear that must be love! Just be aware that love and lust and even affection can all be separate and complete entities in and of themselves.

Time and patience will show you everything you need to see, if you can simply look beyond your own paradigms and learn from them.

Best of luck to you, and I'll look forward to reading posts of how you're doing as you grow and learn.

(and no, folks... the Lust Meter isn't for real, I was using humor)

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 16

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 3:20:58 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

If he has a g/f already. I don't know why you would even want to continue on with this.
Your experienceing the frenzies. Perhaps you should read about it

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 17

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 3:45:48 PM

Ladyofthemanor

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline

For me i went looking for a TPE 24/7, after realizing that is what i wanted from this life. In the beginning my Master and i weren't 24/7 TPE, and because of other issues (he was married at the time), his marriage was not a happy one. W/we met, played and talked for over a year before moving into a 24/7, even though we both cared, and loved each other, he had to do some soul searching on his own. i would NOT trade in our time of communicating, learning about each other, and falling in love. It seems to me a lot of people rush into things without really looking at them. Yes it is easy to fall in love with a Dom/Master because of the trust involved, i have played with both, but the i have to say thecommunication, trust, love, and play i have with my Master i wouldn't trade for the world.

Please think these things over:

That as a Master he might not want to do 24/7, because he doesn't want the responsbility of a 24/7 slave,
That your Master is happy with playing only and doesn't want to have to be Dom 24/7
He may not feel the same connection to you?

These are very valid reasons, i know others could think up of more then i have listed here.

But if you want 24/7, then try and find a Master willing to do 24/7. If he doesn't want to do 24/7, then don't try and force him, that might drive him away. Also with play comes a lot of trust, don't confuse lust with love, must my opinion

_____________________________

slavelilly

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Post #: 18

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 3:52:02 PM

pattiann

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

swtn - I love those 2 philosophies. You have no idea how much I should take them to heart.
Where do I read about the 'frenzies'?

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 19

RE: What if Play turns into Love? - 7/8/2006 3:56:01 PM

primeslave

Posts: 45
Joined: 11/18/2005
Status: offline

i remember when i first started exploring this world.

my first Dom rocked my world, hard. i thought i could just experiment and learn from Him. wasnt that way at all.

the connection that you have with your first Dominant is very intense (not to say that others will not be intense but nothing is so special as your first). if you are not looking to fall in love then back off now before you do. you see all the warning signs or you wouldnt have written this post.

if you are not able to back off and look for someone whom you would like to fall head over heels in love with to be your Master then you are willing to settle for what he offers you, right?

i think that you know what you are looking for ... sort of ... and that is important. if you cannot handle him having other women in his life and realize that he will probably not ever be faithful to you then you need to find someone that you will not eventually regret. it is worth it to wait and find the one that you can adore with all your heart.

dont sabotage yourself because of the intensity of what you are feeling right now. i learned the hard way how easy it is for a newbie submissive to get emotionally involved and the Dominants just dont. i have heard that newbie Dominants have the same emotional problems of getting involved too quickly, too much, too soon as the submissives.

luck ... only you can answer your own questions.

_____________________________

What is a slut: 1. pleasure enthusiast; 2. a wanton individual; 3. a saucy girl

(in reply to pattiann)

Post #: 20

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