How do I help my husband become the Dom I would like him to be?

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How do I help my husband become the Dom I would like hi... - 3/18/2014 5:38:50 PM

thecollaredwife

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/18/2014
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I have always known I am a sub I just never let anyone elce know. I saw the Dom quality in my husband from the beginning. I just didn't know how to bring it up to him. I didn't have to. He read one of my kindle books. After that I found he had bought a bunch more kink books. I asked him what he liked about the books and he told me it was the idea of me submissing to him and the conversation turned into us playing in the bedroom. It turned out we both loved the way it brought us closer together. With that said my husband needs help getting into that Dom role. I have found lots of books for me and books introducing you into the lifestyle. Is there books to help be a better Dom? I guess besides playing where shold we start. I do not have a BDSM culd near me.

Post #: 1

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 5:41:43 PM

UllrsIshtar

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Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thecollaredwife
Is there books to help be a better Dom? I guess besides playing where shold we start.

To better answer your question would you please first answer mine?

What is it exactly you are looking for? Tutorial, showing how to do bondage, and how to safely beat somebody? A guide on how to get started on communicating about kink? A way to entice your husband to try and play?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 2

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 5:55:03 PM

angelikaJ

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How are you defining become a "better Dom"?

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RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 5:57:02 PM

OsideGirl

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From: United States
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I'm with both ladies above me.

Are you talking about BDSM activities? Learning how to accept kink into your relationship? You need to clarify.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 4

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:01:47 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
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OP. Why is he not asking for himself? Has he asked you to bring him info?

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Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

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RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:07:23 PM

UllrsIshtar

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Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

OP. Why is he not asking for himself? Has he asked you to bring him info?

Maybe he is, and she's just curious herself.
Or maybe he isn't, and she's trying to find sources to entice him.
Or maybe they are both trying different places to find sources.

Why are you making it sound like it's a bad thing that she asked?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 6

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:09:08 PM

thecollaredwife

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Joined: 3/18/2014
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We are reading The Ultimate Guide To Kink right now. It talks about safty but doesn't really get into it. He has only ever spanked me. I want more but he is afraid of hurting me. So yea if there are books on how to safley do bondage cane and so that is what we are looking for.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 7

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:10:56 PM

Blonderfluff

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From: Down the Shore
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No no. I didn't mean it was a bad thing at all. I just wanted to know of she was looking for info for HIM to read, or if she wanted info for herself, on how to help him.

Apologies, OP.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

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RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:12:14 PM

LadyConstanze

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Have you consider the book "If somebody you love is kinky" (I think, not 100% sure of the title and too lazy to get up and check) but it's a pretty good book that might explain to him that he isn't really hurting you as in bad pain...

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Those who do and those who don't!

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(in reply to thecollaredwife)

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RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:12:37 PM

thecollaredwife

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Joined: 3/18/2014
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Yes. He asked me to find out more. I don't work and he works long hours. So as part of our play he gave me the asingment of finding out more to help us both.

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Post #: 10

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:16:21 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
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From: Down the Shore
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OP
Have you looked into attending a Munch, in your area? It may help him if he speaks with others. Men have been told their whole lives "don't hit a girl". Etc etc. it's gonna take some time to wrap his head around it.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 11

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:21:26 PM

UllrsIshtar

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Joined: 7/28/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: thecollaredwife

He has only ever spanked me. I want more but he is afraid of hurting me. So yea if there are books on how to safley do bondage cane and so that is what we are looking for.

Ok, for bondage this is on of the best resources on the web: http://www.knottyboys.com
They have books too. And they specifically do easy to understand stuff for beginners.

Resident Sadist's booklist is a good place to start too: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Of that list I'd personally recommend for you:
- The Topping Book : Or, Getting Good at Being Bad by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt
- The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People
- Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/m Lovemaking

I'm sure there are other good ones, but those are the ones I've read that I think would apply.

When it comes to impact play, the most important thing for you both is just to take it easy and try stuff. Talk about what you both think is hot, and want to try, and then just try it.

I found that for reluctant Tops, it sometimes helps them if you play with a pain scale, and a safeword. The safeword would be the traditional 'if I say this we stop' and a painscale would be you giving numbers to him depending on the sensation, from 1-10.
1 would be "that doesn't hurt at all"; 5 would be "I can feel that, but it doesn't really hurt"; 7 would be "that hurts in a really hot way!" and anything above 9 would be "I don't think I can take much more". It'll give you a way to signal to him where you're at, before you even get close to safeword-land, and make it easier for him to know "oh, she's at 3, I can keep doing this for a while, and her moaning means she's liking it".

That way he can start spanking you slightly, and as he builds up the intensity ask you for the number you're at. Based on the numbers you then give him he can start learning your body's personal reactions, and what you like and what really hurts. This way he can learn that 'moaaaaan' means 'oh yeah baby, a little harder please', while 'groaaaaan' means 'ay, we're nearing the edge of what I can take'.
It'll make him feel safer about not pushing your limits too much and accidentally hurting you, and will give him a better way to be more in control over what he's doing, so that he'll feel more confident to push things a little further.

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 3/18/2014 6:29:48 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 12

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 6:27:45 PM

thecollaredwife

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/18/2014
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We don't have any groups near us. The closets one is hours away. I guess we could try and plan a vacatio. He is one of thoughs people who need to know as much as he can about something. I guess it would be best if he just got on here and ask his questions

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 13

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 7:31:59 PM

sweetlittlemoon

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/22/2011
Status: offline

Have you thought of going off the books you already have looked at already, then sitting down and discussing the interests you both have? Talk it out with each other. Starting tasks already seems tedious when you aren't actually on the same page yet regarding what you are exploring. This is the time to figure out what both of you are into and how you plan on exploring this together.

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 14

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/18/2014 8:48:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Any book by Jay Wiseman will go through safety for beginners.

However, more important than the how to is the fact that for his whole life he's been taught not to hit a woman, not to push her around.
It's going to take months on end for him to begin feeling good about doing this not just to any woman, but the one he most loves in the world.

It's going to require a lot of active submission and positive reinforcement on your part.
The positive reinforcement is the easiest, after he spanks you, tell him how hot it makes you. Tell him this repeatedly over the next few weeks. Beg him to have sex with you afterwards, tell him you can't wait for him to come home and use you hard sexually. And could he please do it harder and longer next time. Use the word AND, not the word BUT. But is negative, and is positive. Saying 'but do it harder' comes across as critical of his performance and that's not what you want to convey.

As far as control goes, tell him you have huge trouble in the cereal aisle deciding among all those choices. Or the ice cream, or whatever gets you to pause and think. Ask him to ease your stress and speed your shopping by him deciding which cereal. Even if he says shredded wheat and you think that's vile, get it and eat it without complaint. Thank him afterward for having taken the burden of decision off you. Next time you're making the list, mention that you didn't fall in love with the shredded wheat, and has he any other ideas. If he hits on one you like, be even more positive in thanking him for helping you shop faster and finding something you really like.

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(in reply to sweetlittlemoon)

Post #: 15

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/19/2014 9:24:49 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

In addition, you can't make him into the fantasy dominant of your dreams. He can however become the dominant of his dreams, with no guarantee that you'll be compatible with that.

He could be a hard core sadist and you a bondage bottom. Neither would be wrong, just incompatible.

All you can do is be supportive of him becoming what he is inside.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/19/2014 10:00:58 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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This title disturbs me.
How about "How do I help my husband become the dom he wants to be?"

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 17

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/19/2014 10:09:00 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

This title disturbs me.
How about "How do I help my husband become the dom he wants to be?"

I have no idea what you're going on about...

Jus sayin
Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 18

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/19/2014 10:11:01 AM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thecollaredwife

We don't have any groups near us. The closets one is hours away. I guess we could try and plan a vacatio. He is one of thoughs people who need to know as much as he can about something. I guess it would be best if he just got on here and ask his questions

That might help a lot, if he sees what it's about this way. There is a group over at FL (FetLife) dedicated to people whose partners are vanilla. It's called My Significant Other is Vanilla, and while there's some drivel, many posts do offer some insight/help for your problem.

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Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 19

RE: How do I help my husband become the Dom I would lik... - 3/19/2014 12:25:10 PM

VideoAdminChi

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Joined: 8/6/2012
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Please note that the OP appears to have deleted her account. Y'all are free to continue the convo, but responses from the OP are not likely to be forthcoming.

(in reply to thecollaredwife)

Post #: 20

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