how do i dom in real life (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

MistressMary51 -> how do i dom in real life (3/19/2014 6:14:42 PM)

new to the site know I am a dom online I can talk the talk no problem but once I meet the sub and we are in private I have trouble getting started in a scene help



MistressDarkArt -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/19/2014 8:15:14 PM)

Welcome to the boards, MistressMary. You need an education in WIITWD. Your one-sentence profile narrative is pretty unrealistic. Your best bet is to get involved with your local community, where you will have many opportunities to explore the lifestyle and see what real people do with each other.

Now, if you're talking pro-domme, can't help you there. There are 'mentor mistresses' that can help you get acclimated. Expect to pay for this service.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/19/2014 9:07:41 PM)

I second the suggestion to get into your local community. Go to demos and learn new techniques. Find out who is known and respected for their topping skills. If there's something in particular you want to learn, find someone who is recognized in your community as being adept in that skill. Ask them to teach you and be prepared to offer something in exchange for the lessons. Money is always good, but if you have a particular skill - for example, you know how to make candles for wax play - then you might be able to barter.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 1:56:38 AM)

Going into the community is sound advice.

We might be able to help a bit more if you can be more specific about what you problem is. No ideas? No chemistry? Lack of confidence?



MistressEsmeUK -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 4:03:05 AM)

I suggest you get involved in the scene like others have said or take time and do some research and work on your own style of Domination.



MistressMary51 -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 4:39:03 AM)

thanks the thing is when I try to dom in person with the one person the I had chesmitry with I felt really silly and ened up just having vanilla sex



LadyConstanze -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 5:02:20 AM)

I think you need to find your own comfort level, you don't have to go into "full domme mode" straight away. Would it help you if the guy would do some tasks for you first? Even if it's just doing the dishes, maybe have a little ritual that gets you both into the mood, like him massaging your feet, etc.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 5:04:02 AM)

Are you going straight from online role play to sex? Because maybe you're just the type of person who needs to get to know them a bit first. Or maybe you should ditch the online dirty talk, which sets up fantasy expectations, and just go for it in real life?

It sounds like a confidence issue to me. You feel silly because you're not totally comfortable in the role. I'd say fake it. You'll get more confident when you have a few good sessions under your belt. Find out his limits, and his fantasies. Make it clear before hand that you're going to do whatever you want (within his limits), and not just act out his fantasy script. Give him a safeword and/or signal just to be safe.

Then just go for it. Just keep reminding yourself that you're the boss, and what you say, goes. If you feel the need to laugh or giggle, you can, because you're the boss. If you need to pause and think about what to do next, you can, because you're the boss. Forget about trying to live up to the domme in erotica stories - you're not her. Just be yourself, and be in charge. Have him get on his knees and be your footrest while you think about it.

Try putting him in a blindfold so you don't feel so on show. That way if your mind goes blank he doesn't see the doubt in your face. As far as he knows, you're just making him wait and wonder. Write down your scene plan if you need to, and look at it while his eyes are covered. Keep it short if you need to. If you don't like how things are going, stop it. Did I mention you're in charge?

I think a lot of people feel unsure or silly because they put themselves under too much pressure. If this scene isn't perfect, so what? Try again next time. Forget about living up to the stereotypes. Ditch the online dirty talking so you've not created a fake persona you feel the need to live up to. And be honest with your partner - you're new to this, you need to try stuff out and talk about how it went. There's no shame in that.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 6:04:03 AM)

My friend Athena wrote a series of articles for my blog about planning scenes for beginners.

Here's a link:

http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/

Best, CP



LadyConstanze -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 6:06:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

My friend Athena wrote a series of articles for my blog about planning scenes for beginners.

Here's a link:

http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/

Best, CP



Can I please link to that? I tend to get a ton of mail on my blog with "My wife isn't sure how to start it..." and all that, that really does cover most



FieryOpal -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 6:42:57 AM)

Let me combine both of your posts here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMary51

new to the site know I am a dom online I can talk the talk no problem but once I meet the sub and we are in private I have trouble getting started in a scene help
---
thanks the thing is when I try to dom in person with the one person the I had chesmitry with I felt really silly and ened up just having vanilla sex


Other than this site, you've been dominating men on line for about six weeks.
You've already met one you felt enough chemistry with to have sex with.
It is unclear from your profile what you seek other than a man who will do what you want.

Are you looking for an all-around D/s LTR or just a BDSM-compatible play partner?
Because if you want a sub mate, you're going about it wrong. Don't feel badly--many of us have been down this same road.
Put the BDSM stuff aside. It can wait. It's okay to discuss objectively, but get your priorities straight and focus on getting the mental-emotional D/s portion of your relationship dynamic set in place beforehand.
Before you even meet, give him simple (non-sexual, non-kink) tasks to complete that don't interfere with his work schedule and see how well he complies. Timeliness counts.
Watch out for excuses. Give him feedback, a grading/rating system to allow him an opportunity to improve. (ABCD+/-'s, Outstanding/Above Average/Satisfactory/Less Than, Pass/Needs Improvement/Fail, etc.) Be firm and make him accountable to you ALWAYS. On a preliminary basis, 3 strikes and you're out. First strike if it's a zero-tolerance issue.

In other words, don't skip steps. Make a man date you first, just like you would expect with a vanilla connection. Third date rule applies.
I don't care how submissive he acts, he won't respect you if you have sex with him or if you agree to collar him right away, and in order to be his Mistress, your submissive's respect for you as a Dominant is crucial.
Ask yourself this, Can YOU respect a man who doesn't care who Dommes him or who is willing to be Insta-Dommed and/or owned? Would you respect any man who acts desperate and indiscriminate?
Keep in mind that no matter how much he offers to please you, and appears to be making it all about you, it isn't. If you project yourself as a fetish-kink delivery system for him (which is why I strongly urge you to put the BDSM scening aside), then that's how you will end up being objectified. Desperation is desperation.

If you are camming with these men in a provocative fashion, CEASE and DESIST. (A few words of advice since your profile doesn't indicate this. Perfunctory cam-verifying prior to setting up your intro date is perfectly acceptable.) Would you be sexualizing yourself for essentially a stranger under ordinary circumstances? Why would you start off doing it with someone just because you're a Dominant female and he's a submissive male?

Take the same precautions you would with any new sex partner before having sex with him.

Be yourself. Short of that, and in the event it's more important to you to find a compatible play-partner match, do as AthenaSurrenders suggested and fake it till you make it. If nothing else, it will give you more role-playing experience. Don't sell yourself short, though, by putting on an act for THEM. Do it for yourself, and best of luck. [;)]



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 6:45:02 AM)

Of course, please do.



GoddessManko -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 7:11:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

My friend Athena wrote a series of articles for my blog about planning scenes for beginners.

Here's a link:

http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/

Best, CP


As soon as I went to the link I was smitten. Where was this when I was just starting out? I think this is really right up your alley OP, and I'll probably subscribe myself.
TRUST is a major factor for me in this lifestyle which is why it fits me so well. A vanilla man might think I'm over the top in regards to devotion and loyalty but I'm sure you'll figure out why this lifestyle works for you eventually, and that you'll figure out whether you want D/s or just occasional play partners.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 7:16:21 AM)

Thank you. I agree Athena really did a great job on those series of articles.The site was written in conjunction with several CM people, Athena, LadyP and SunshineMiss to name a few.




SeekingTrinity -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 9:46:40 AM)

~FRing it~

I honestly think you just haven't discovered who you are yet. The anonymity and fantasy realm of online allows people to be who they want to be...imagine who they are, but it's very different when reality comes into play. Please please please don't think Im criticizing you. I'm honestly not because we all have to start somewhere. I know I was nervous at first when I first got started, but it got easier as time went on and I was more sure of myself and what I was doing. It just takes time and work to come into your own.

If you can, attend more workshops and get involved in interacting with your local kink community. There is a list of books stickied somewhere on here that has excellent books that can help you learn a lot. Don't be afraid to explore your dominant side and figure out who you are and what you are looking for.

For all that is holy (and maybe a few things that aren't), please don't buy into the whole "one true way" bullshit. Domme A will be different than Domme B...and they both will be different than Dom X and Dom Y. Learn from people, but don't try to be them because you think that's how a dominant should be. Do you your way, grow confident in yourself, learn, admit when you screw up and be willing to learn from it, and I think you will be okay. Just give yourself time



LookieNoNookie -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 2:46:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressMary51

thanks the thing is when I try to dom in person with the one person the I had chesmitry with I felt really silly and ened up just having vanilla sex


This is a guy.



ShaharThorne -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/20/2014 6:05:42 PM)

Lookie, I had to get my neighbor to get the tree off the shed...I was hoping it was you...LOL!

In reality all meetings should not end up in sexual relationships. Take it slow and easy...a few chores (I am always looking for a cowboy to help me with the farm), have him trained in doing pedicures and manicures. If the male wants it rough, take it slowly...riding crops, soft suede floggers, canes. If you know how to use a whip, I would suggest a dragontail or a bullwhip. Look in your community for classes if you are not familiar in using whips and floggers. I am a switch so I do both sides of the kneel (just not in a relationship at this time). I also live with my mother so I am not practicing. I try to give good advice and keep up with the times. (I suffer from mental illness which means I am crazy...also the best to the guys).



MistressMary51 -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/23/2014 1:18:21 PM)

thanks for all the great advice it gave a lot to think about and whereto start as for getting involed in the local comminty I have no idea how to do that will take any ideas or knowalge of what is around the seacoast of nh thanks



MistressMary51 -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/26/2014 7:49:15 PM)

okay I like everything that everyone has told me but I have a new twist he wants me to find a domme that I trust to be there the next time we meet the thing is I don't want another person there with us I would rather talk the advice to use a blind fold him help



MistressDarkArt -> RE: how do i dom in real life (3/26/2014 8:59:10 PM)

Mary, may I make a request please? I mean no disrespect, but if you can would you please separate your sentences with periods and capitalization so they're easier for me to understand?

Re: another domme present: you are the domme. If you don't want someone else there, that is that, don't. An exception to this would be if you are at a play party to learn technique and there are experienced folks to help you. Either way, you can still blindfold him.

If you search Fetlife for groups in your area, I'm sure you will find some great folks to connect with. Good luck :-)



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875