Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 7:50:20 AM   
heartlessgoddess


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/21/2014
Status: offline 		Sorry if my english isn't perfect, it's my second language.

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months. We are both in our early 20s, but neither of us has any sexual experience, because we come from a conservative cultural background. So you are probably wondering, how do I know that I'm a Domme if I've never had sex before? Well, I know for certain, because I've had these thoughts and fantasies from when I was young, even before I knew what sex was. Vanilla sex (or thinking about vanilla sex) does nothing for me. I have no reaction to vanilla porn at all. It's non-sexual to me. When I watch femdom, it's exciting and arousing to me. I know what I want , and I know what I like.

I love my boyfriend, I can't over-emphasize that, and even if he is vanilla, I wouldn't leave him for that reason. I hope I can convert him. I'm assuming he is vanilla, because we never talked about sex, but I gave him hints, and I even told him that I have a bossy side,which didn't seem to get his interest. So now we are serious (planning to get married), and sex is after marriage according to our culture. I love him and I want to marry him but the thing that scares me the most is the sex. What if we're not sexually compatible? what if he hates the idea of female domination? He isn't a sexist, and he supports women's rights, etc.. but that's not the same as being submissive. I actually want to be with someone who is submissive and not just open-minded to try new things , because I want him to be *turned on* just as much as me. I'm not a true sadistic, because it's not fun to me if he doesn't secretly like it too.

Since he doesn't have any sexual experience (virgin) and I heard that men's first sexual experiences influences their preferences , maybe I can make him submissive, by setting the tone for our sex life early on. I was thinking that I would start off slow and gradually increase the kinkiness so it seems natural and he doesn't even realize what's happening until it's too late. Also, everytime we have sex , I would dominate him a little more , e.g. woman-on-top sex , holding him down, grabbing his hair, etc.... and especially during the ejaculation part ,so I can condition him to associate sexual pleasure with his submission . Then again, he's not a dog, so simple conditioning might not work that well.

So what do you think? can vanilla men be turned submissive? I guess I have no option but to find out
Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.. and especially from submissive men, if you ever had the moment where it 'clicked' in your mind, what was it about the sexual experience that made you switch from vanilla to submissive ?


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 8:01:07 AM   
TenderTorment


Posts: 304
Joined: 12/30/2012
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		You talk about converting or conditioning him, why not begin with communicating with him, you are going to marry the guy so you should be able to broach any subject with him. Just a thought.

ETA...The advance apology for your English wasn't necessary, for a 2nd language you came across fine

< Message edited by TenderTorment -- 3/21/2014 8:04:18 AM >

(in reply to heartlessgoddess)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 8:05:09 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First, you are talking about bedroom-only Domination. You haven't addressed who's in charge outside the bedroom. So you see femDom porn and it revs your engine.

I'd be more direct. When kissing him, give him a swat or two. Or hold his hands together in your one hand and let the other one roam.

You say "I'm not a true sadistic, because it's not fun to me if he doesn't secretly like it too. " That's not a sadist, that's a nonconsensual abuser, and we try to run those folks out of town in Colorado.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to heartlessgoddess)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 8:08:19 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Well, this is a tough one. You've been together for 7 months and haven't had sex yet. Are you planning to get married soon? I imagine in your culture, there isn't a 1-year window between engagement and wedding which would allow you more time to get to know one another better before taking the plunge.

I would seriously advise you to wait at least another 6 months before planning on spending the rest of your life with your fiancé . Not knowing or seeing any discernible signs of his submissiveness could be a recipe for disaster. I believe you that you know in your heart of hearts that you are a Dominant female. I knew this too at an early age. Not getting turned on by vanilla sex when that's the only assurance you have with your sweetheart is not encouraging. Having unfulfilling sex is often worse than having no sex at all.

Please take things slowly. Don't let your passions fuel you into making a rash and premature decision. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but he may not be the right man for you. You might want to consider going beyond dropping subtle or not-so-subtle hints and be more upfront about how you are wired and what you want in your mate and life partner. Think of it as a partnership negotiation. If what you have to offer is not appreciated, and what he has to offer you to meet your intimacy needs is not sufficient, you will both suffer for it in the long run.

[Edited to swap out word]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 3/21/2014 8:12:20 AM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to heartlessgoddess)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 8:57:15 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		You are late.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 9:05:47 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		First of all, hello and welcome to the boards, heartlessgoddess. I've sent you a personal message. As for your question, ask yourself this, weren't you 'vanilla' at one time as well? The folks who've already answered your question have given you some good information.

The next step is for you to sit down with your fiance and let him know what you're about. You may be surprised to find out he may already have more than an inkling as to what 'turns your gears', so to speak. The hallmark of all successful relationships is communication, and even if us men are sometimes monosyllabic at times, we do have the capacity to understand that. Talk to him, in a neutral setting, when you both are comfortable and relaxed.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to heartlessgoddess)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 10:12:21 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		You really need to tell him as soon as possible. Yes, there is a chance that he will not accept it, and there is a chance that he will. But if him being your submissive is an absolute requirement for you, him refusing to be so could be what we call a "deal breaker". You need to find out so that neither of you invest any more in the relationship, and you may have to accept that you are incompatible as a couple. I do wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 10:27:13 AM   
foreverstudent


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/19/2014
Status: offline 		I was just in your shoes. I was with my husband for three years before we got married. We have been married for almost two years now. It took a lot but I finley told him about my feelings. I am a submissive and didn't think he would want to be dominant. I sure was wrong. Let me ask you this. can you live with vanilla sex for the rest of your life? Don't be afraid to talk. If he loves you he shouldn't make you feel bad about it. Too many people let themselfs be unhappy because they are afraid to say how they feel. I know I was there.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 10:49:46 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

BDSM and D/s require good communication. If you can't talk frankly about sex with him, you aren't really ready to have sex with him (let alone marry him).

It would be unfair to you BOTH for you to try to convert someone who isn't wired the same way you are, especially if you marry him without discussing it with him first. Just as you have a right to be Domme, he has a right to be vanilla.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to foreverstudent)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/21/2014 11:37:30 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartlessgoddess
So what do you think? can vanilla men be turned submissive?

Well, this [sexually] vanilla guy can be turned into a sadist. For me being "vanilla" doesn't mean that I don't care about sex or that I'm boring as hell in the bedroom. It just means I don't have a strong interest in bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. I'm neutral on the topic. If such things brought a lot of happiness to Carol then I'd be very interested in exploring. Why not? Sounds like a net win for our marriage.

quote:

I guess I have no option but to find out

Yeah, the future is like that :)

quote:

Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.. and especially from submissive men, if you ever had the moment where it 'clicked' in your mind, what was it about the sexual experience that made you switch from vanilla to submissive ?

I'm not a submissive male. I'm dominant out of the bedroom and neutral-ish in the bedroom. What made sadism "click" for me is the fact that I was making it click. I WANTED to dig inside myself and find that snarly bit of energy and make it work because Carol wanted to explore that. So motivated by my love for her I imagined what sort of energy would reasonably be driving a statement like "blow me bitch" and summoned it up. It wasn't all that hard.

By the way, I respond extraordinarily poorly to being manipulated. Your plan would be fraught with peril with me when I found out about it. Even if I liked the end result I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like the price tag. You would've damaged my trust in you terribly. You'd be lucky if we were having sex at all much less with you in any sort of controlling position. I could see it ending in divorce. I hope you know your fiancée well if you persist in that plan. I like the whole "go slow" thing but I'd want to do it openly and with his active cooperation.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to heartlessgoddess)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 8:38:45 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: foreverstudent

If he loves you he shouldn't make you feel bad about it.


If he reacts badly it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It may be an insecurity on his part. In certain cultures, female domination wouldn't be seen as normal at all and an inexperienced man may never have considered such a concept. It might rock his world and cause doubts of his own understanding of not only this woman, but sex and relationships.

OP - The trick here is not to take any reaction from him personal and be truthful about your needs and your desires, which may not be dependent on each other. Allow that truth to guide your next move.

(in reply to foreverstudent)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 3:52:29 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

By the way, I respond extraordinarily poorly to being manipulated. Your plan would be fraught with peril with me when I found out about it. Even if I liked the end result I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like the price tag. You would've damaged my trust in you terribly. You'd be lucky if we were having sex at all much less with you in any sort of controlling position. I could see it ending in divorce. I hope you know your fiancée well if you persist in that plan. I like the whole "go slow" thing but I'd want to do it openly and with his active cooperation.


I agree with this. Anytime I see posts about turning vanilla people into a dom, sub, top bottom, etc., I see some trouble that could be brewing. Especially if the other does not know about it yet.

What if he does not want to be a sub? How are you going to live with that?

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:02:01 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion?

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:12:55 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion?


And why do you view people being careful what they say because they don't want to freak out their partner as "duplicitous"?

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:15:47 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
us men are sometimes monosyllabic at times


That's only because it is physically impossible to be zero-syllabic.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:17:16 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

That's only because it is physically impossible to be zero-syllabic.


"..."

(Also considered Morse and whalesong.)

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:20:29 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion?


And why do you view people being careful what they say because they don't want to freak out their partner as "duplicitous"?

Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly.
To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner.
For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker.

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:29:01 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly.
To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner.
For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker.


I care about my partner. I risked scaring him if I told him I like hurting guys. So I didn't. That wasn't deceptive. It was a choice that it was something he didn't need to know.

Does he know now? Yes, because we got to a stage where it was just right to say. Doesn't mean I was being deceptive. I find that notion rather offensive. It was a judgement call, and at the time, it was the right one. Helped him get to know my character as a protective and loving partner. I am glad for the decisions I made.

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 4:43:20 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains


quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly.
To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner.
For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker.


I care about my partner. I risked scaring him if I told him I like hurting guys. So I didn't. That wasn't deceptive. It was a choice that it was something he didn't need to know.

Does he know now? Yes, because we got to a stage where it was just right to say. Doesn't mean I was being deceptive. I find that notion rather offensive. It was a judgement call, and at the time, it was the right one. Helped him get to know my character as a protective and loving partner. I am glad for the decisions I made.

Maybe I'm much more pragmatic than you.
I like to have my cards on the table so there are no surprises later down the line.
Something as important as that, I would certainly not want to continue the relationship.

I see it in the same critical light in that I wanted a female as a partner.
If I later found out that it was a TG, I'd walk. Simple.
Small little things are ok.
But this sounds like something major that needs/should be discussed openly before they get married.
It's not like they've only just met - they have been together for 7 months already.
That should be more than long enough to broach the subject by now in an honest manner.
In a normal(?!) western-style relationship, things are usually discussed when the moment is right.
However, this doesn't strike me as the usual western-style 'open' relationship.

And even more so that they have both agreed to wait for marriage before having sex.
That sort of culture usually (but not always) assumes the "standard" male-ruling type of arrangement.
If that is the case, OP's new hubby is more than likely going to be horrified that his new wifey-woo wants him to be the sub in the relationship.
I can see this seriously backfiring on OP.

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? - 3/24/2014 5:12:19 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Talk to him.

You know what turns you on because of what you fantasize about. Guess what? He has fantasies also and he already knows what they are. Ask him what they are. Make sure you two are compatible.

But what if he wants you to submit? Can you do that happily for the rest of your life even if it doesn't give you a satisfying sex life?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094