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Listening..... - 3/31/2014 3:17:50 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		We all here and likely have said ... Communciation as a key to solid relationships. But... A part of communicatin is "listening". Now I never considered myself a great listener and had to work on it. I look back and I see moments that man I nailed that! I really listened there! But, for the most part I still am a work in progress at being a better listener.

So what do you think makes a good listener? What have you done to improve and get better at listenng?


Edit to add.

Oops. I meant for this in General discussion ... Could of the mods move it and delete the edit please

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 3/31/2014 3:19:17 PM >

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RE: Listening..... - 3/31/2014 4:28:27 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		For me, I have to turn off anything with words - computers, televisions, radios (unless it is simply instrumental music or a language I don't speak). Without doing that, I won't be able to concentrate. Depending on who it is, I find that it's helpful to create a space where the other person can talk. So for someone who is saying something difficult or who doesn't like to have the full attn of a person, I'll suggest a simple activity while listening. Making a pot of tea is a good example, going for a walk in the woods, etc. I do a lot of repeating what the person says for clarity. I use my own words, repeating the exact ones that seem important which they used, though.

I think it's important to have a regular appointment that allows communication to happen. Ok, every Saturday we will go to the farmers' market and get the veggies for the week, go home and chop them, and cook. Talking just happens then. Particularly for keeping the lines of communication going during difficult times, it's helpful to have ritual or habit in place that sets the stage for communication.

Finally, the courage to shut my mouth and listen. Even if I don't agree with what is being said, there is an important truth being shared from the pov of someone I care for.

Now, be a dear and make a cup of coffee with me, will you?

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RE: Listening..... - 4/1/2014 2:26:33 AM   
KMsAngel


Posts: 17415
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		white (full cream) and one (raw sugar), thanks!

frankly, i've always found (for myself and others), getting BOTH people to communicate. seems it's usually one or the other. this is a work in progress - i don't have a partner, but even with workmates, friends and family it can be difficult. sometimes talking on the phone without distractions does it. it actually sometimes HELPS to eliminate the facial and body cues.

another bad habit, is formulating a response to someone's earlier words, and not paying enough attention to the rest of the sentence (or paragraph, or rant). when you're working out what you're going to say, you cannot pay proper heed. i really struggle with this, as i like to have a coherent and well structured argument in place to respond right away. consciously realising what i'm doing, and maybe even noting something on paper, and then letting it go to listen, helps.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/8/2014 7:56:24 PM   
Moderator3


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

We all here and likely have said ... Communciation as a key to solid relationships. But... A part of communicatin is "listening". Now I never considered myself a great listener and had to work on it. I look back and I see moments that man I nailed that! I really listened there! But, for the most part I still am a work in progress at being a better listener.

So what do you think makes a good listener? What have you done to improve and get better at listenng?


Edit to add.

Oops. I meant for this in General discussion ... Could of the mods move it and delete the edit please


Per your request, I've moved the thread, but I would prefer not to edit your post if that is okay.

I hope you have a great thread!

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RE: Listening..... - 4/8/2014 8:04:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Like Sunny, I need all the background noise to stop.

One continual problem we've had is that he prefers to save all questions to the end while I need to clear as I go. Doing it his way means I get to the end muddled up. And then he gets frustrated because I don't understand.

Not insurmountable but it means we have to talk things out repeatedly for both of us to be clear.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/8/2014 8:21:57 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		I think I've always been a pretty good listener. I often find myself in the middle of people having arguments and discussions and one person will say something and the other person will have an unexpected reaction and then I find myself saying "You know...I don't think that's what s/he meant. I think what s/he means is..." ...with the first person nodding and saying "yes....that's exactly what I meant".

My problem is stubborness. While MOST of the time I don't mind going along with whatever someone else wants, sometimes I can have a completely understandable discussion with someone, but if I see things a certain way and feel strongly about it, there probaby isn't anything they can say to make me change my mind about the way I feel or what I want to do. My reaction is going to be "That's nice...now where was I?"

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RE: Listening..... - 4/8/2014 11:40:27 PM   
JeffBC


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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
So what do you think makes a good listener?

Actually caring what the other person thinks and having a sincere desire to "get it".

quote:

What have you done to improve and get better at listening?

See above. Failing that I try to absent myself from conversations that are self-evidently wasting my time.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 5:31:50 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I'm a great talker and Himself is a great listener, one reason we get along.

Being a great listener is rare and improving your listening skills will help in all aspect of your life, but most especially in relationships.

He's one of the few people who can tell me that I've made a bad decision or am doing something wrong that I will listen to, b/c he's earned my respect.

Himself is also very good at articulating what he wants/needs (and many quiet people are not that good) and over time I've learned to be a better listener.

If we are discussing any sort of serious topic, we are most likely to do it while out walking, which provides minimal distractions and allows us to focus on the discussion.

Himself *does* tend to tune me out on occasion but if what I am telling him is important for him to know, I make sure I have his attention.


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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 6:13:24 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		It is being interested in what the other person is saying and having the respect to not interrupt them until they are finished. It's about tuning out the outside world and focusing on the individual talking to me - if the phone rings, for example, it can keep ringing or I'll make sure to put it on silent before we talk. It is also about not adopting a 'stance' should I hear something that challenges and is difficult for me. If it challenges me, I can learn something from it. I also avoid trite statements which are condescending. Overall, it is a desire to better understand where the other person is coming from.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 6:20:48 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I saw my brother's "Barriers to Communication" handout over the weekend and noted that many of the posters in P&R and CM Refugees on Fet use these anti-communication styles.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 3:27:00 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Listening isn't that hard.

Now, comprehension...

For which my best suggestion would be to put yourself in the other person's shoes and consider from their perspective. Sure, it's an old song, but the classics never go out of style.

I can say with fair certainty that the majority of the time I screw up from lack of listening, it's when I let the words provoke an emotional response from me, rather than stopping to see where the other person is coming from, and why they said what they did. I can figure it out after the fact, but sometimes after the fact is just slang for aftermath.

To those I've reacted unfairly to and misunderstood, I apologize. Sometimes I'm still a piece of work in progress, and there are factors that contribute to my improvement, not least of which is my girl. I still misunderstand her at times, but from her I have learned to be a whole lot better than I was, and it's one of the ways she made me a better person. For that, I'm grateful.

Addendum: there's another old axiom that rings true, that leaders are best educated by their followers.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 3:40:56 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

So what do you think makes a good listener? What have you done to improve and get better at listenng?






I remember a school lecture once about the difference between "hearing" and "listening". The gist being "hearing" is letting stuff go in one ear and out the other, while "listening" means giving the speaker your undivided attention, stopping to ask a question to clarify their statements when necessary, repeating back to them and paraphrasing what they said to make sure you understood.

Timing can make a big difference. Make sure you're not hungry, your schedule is clear, important things you meant to get done got done or alloquot a certain time to sit down face to face to listen. And shut off the cell phone.


< Message edited by windchymes -- 4/9/2014 3:41:49 PM >

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 3:49:35 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		Listening . . .

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 4:40:26 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I am with Sunny on the background noise as well. It's hard to concentrate.
I have learned not to wait until the other person stops speaking just so I can talk, is a good idea.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 5:10:08 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Those who know me well...including some folks on here...know I am a great talker. Part of that is because I have many interests outside of my work and outside of D/s. They also know that...sometimes to their chagrin & sometimes my own...I can also veer into the lecturer/long-winded mode, especially when I think a point I am trying to get across is important. And usually it IS...but sometimes, it is just me being an ass of sorts.

Those who know me well and for awhile have also seen me improve in that arena. I now keep track of myself...I don't hurry what I am saying but it is almost like a subconscious ticking is going on inside me.

One thing I will say is that I've also been a good listener...came from growing up in a home where, sometimes, not listening could bring on real trouble. It also came from being in the military and knowing that you had best listen, and not just hear, those in authority. It also comes from being in the profession I am in...you have to listen and you have to care if you are going to be any good at what I do. All this...plus some time as an Alan Alda male...led me to being a pretty good listener.

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RE: Listening..... - 4/9/2014 5:26:06 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

I am with Sunny on the background noise as well. It's hard to concentrate.
I have learned not to wait until the other person stops speaking just so I can talk, is a good idea.


+1 for background noise. So distracting.

I too wait until the other person is done. If the discussion was highly charged and makes me feel frightened, angry, defensive, hurt, or any other negative emotion I thank the person for talking with me and let them know I've taken their comments seriously and will respond in a specific time-frame (i.e. "I need some time to think about what you've said. Would you like to talk about this a bit more at lunch on Wednesday?").

I find buying some time to process the emotional impact before responding works well. It also allows both parties to cool their jets before making more of a mess reacting in the moment.

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