RE: Service with Substance

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Service with Substance

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Service with Substance

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 8:27:37 AM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Hello Celeste!
I will answer based on my own limited experiences. At this point in my life I want something more than a shallow sexual relationship. I also have lost almost all interest in sex with the male of the species.
The numbers being what the numbers are in this arena of life male submissives are quite plentiful and tend to approach all dominant women with more than a little frequency.....cheesy grin inserted........I have actually been contacted by two young men that seem quite sincere and have given me no reason as of yet to believe they are otherwise. I have been VERY adamant in my lack of interest in them in any way that could be seen as sexual. Could not have been any more clear. They repeatedly have said that they understand and that is not a priority for them. So, I decided to communicate a little more, give them plenty of time to get bored with conversation that has nothing to do with BDSM or more importantly, sex. Inevitably it came up. One felt the need to express a desire to show me his nude body to paint......I did not express a desire to paint a nude body, had not asked for it, and declined the offer. His wittle feelings were hurt. Sorry, not my problem. The other, even knowing that I don't even want to acknowledge he has a penis made sure to put near the top of his list of interests....CBT and being used with a strap-on. I do not care! I didn't want to know that! The very idea gives me the heebie jeebies! So, my cooling of interest in either one....I am probably going to be labeled in some small male submissive network as a fake or whatever. I don't care. I gave them the opportunity to prove that they would serve a woman with zero sexual over/undertones at all and they blew it. My point in this long ramble is this. I am not saying I would NEVER have any sexual interest, I am just saying that with a guy right now its not in my plan.
On the flip side, I want a relationship with a woman that is submissive, that is interested in BDSM play, BUT as a facet to a whole relationship. The dynamics of that relationship would ideally be much more than sex, much more than BDSM play, it would be one in which there existed all of the small daily things that you and others have described. I do not get the same connections with a man either dominant or submissive, as I get and crave in a relationship with a woman.

I hope to hell all of that made some sort of sense.......

It made perfect sense.

I know quite a few Dommes who will test a supplicant by having him do purely service oriented tasks for them. In other words, chores-work.

It seperates out the men from the boys at a very fast rate- and they can gage if they are dealing with a service sub, by his emotive reaction to his success in doing so.

Sexual bottoms will quickly lose interest in this, and move on-no great loss. I do it with females in much the same way.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 8:42:11 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear LaTigresse, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Service and Substance seems different for male dominants and female dominants and female slaves/submissives/servants and male slaves/servants/submissives. All wired differently until it boils down to common meanings of 'service' and 'substance.'

Men seem to remain wired as to wanting women in a servant role, to which sex is ever increasing need as they age until peter can't pitter patter as peter once did in pilfering pretty p......, err nebbermind.
Perhaps men have been hammered by their own kind, as manhood is judged by what is dangling between their thighs and knees (some are hung way low and could use a nut bra). Women seem to be wishing freedom from the rubbish of male inherited entitlements to being dominant, to be served and given little regard other than property, a punching bag as men let loose their frustrations, anger and such. Women just want to live safely, peacefully, given equal compensation for work done in the work force, not taken for granted as well as not looked upon as a weaker sex. Women do suffer so much rubbish. In addition, they do not endure physical changes that is a mini-war inside the body. Plus, men complain about kidney stones when a boulder is what ....err nebbermind.

Now as much as I love and cherish men--little explaination is given for men who willingly carry a automobile's engine block across the garage and only a few grunts. Yet, asking them to take a trash can or so out to the curb, one would think they were asked to carry a air craft carrier to the curb. But, amazingly-- men will do almost anything for a wee bit of fun in the 'hay' per se. Sex is the crank to the engine of men's minds it seems. Just not every women is eager to get the 'crank shaft.'

Respectfully submitted with humor,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 9:15:55 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you, I am glad I made some sort of sense. You all may really wish I did not have the day off work today. I rarely get the opportunity to dig into some of these threads and think.

I was just outside with the dogs and thinking about this thread and another regarding need.

In thinking more about the two guys I mentioned. I would never want to say they are bad people or that they would even be bad sub/slaves for the right woman. I read so often the word "wired" in the threads. It has been a proven fact that men's brains and women's brains are wired differently. I will not even say that I honestly think one is better than the other, just very different. It is very obvious that most men are wired to think of sex alot more often than women. I could go into a whole long boring story about that and how it applies to my personal life but will spare you. I cannot diminish the need in the two boys that contacted me, I cannot say that they would not be good submissives. I could take the arrogant approach and say "If they are submissive they should know its all about ME!! I told them...yadda yadda yadda" I really don't think that would be correct either. I just know that for me, now to even attempt to move forward with either one the seed of whats in their head has already been planted. I know, I will always know what their ultimate desires and goals would be. It will always taint any further contact with them. I do believe that we go into these relationships with some goal, some intent and expectations on both sides. It is never really all about just one person as much as those of us in the dominant role would sometimes like to think. Everyone is getting something out of it or we would not be doing it. I feel a responsibility to a person I am in ANY type of relationship with. For me to continue with these two boys knowing that I could not and do not want to fulfill what they really feel they need....just my being aware of it would cause me to feel some level of guilt. Plus, I would always be watching for it, watching to see if they were going to try and get me to go there. I cannot even go there, it wouldn't be fair to myself or them. At least thats my feelings on the whole thing. Would they find as much joy in doing my most hated household chore, cleaning the refridgerator or would they do it in hopes that they would be rewarded by something sexual then try and make ME feel guilty for it? I want someone that will find the satisfaction in MY joy which will in turn cause me to want to reward them. I suppose its a fine line but it means everything to me.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 9:18:30 AM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Nodding

The poisoned seed cannot help but to bear bad fruit.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 9:31:39 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Well, since you included everyone in your thread, I will respond even though I do not believe BDSM is all about sex.

For me, BDSM includes the D/s model of intimate relationship…and such relationships with me naturally include sex.

However, I do not have D/s relationships with every BDSM-er I know. With some, I just play…and play does not necessarily include sex.

What I have noticed about me, however, is that I am and have always been very submissive sexually…including on occasion just pleasuring my partner; which pleasures me immensely even if it does not include sexual ‘release’ for me. LOL This does not mean to imply I don’t get very turned on and sometimes beg or ‘present’ to be f*cked…it just means sometimes it is only about Him…is that 'service' then? Probably so; still, my relationships would not be ONLY about such service.

beverly

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Service with Substance - 7/10/2006 12:03:05 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Hmmmmmmmmm… I REALLY like this thread, and now, having read so many responses…please forgive me for adding more:

sleazybutterfly commented on the sexual questions that pervade so many ‘first contacts’. I get ‘em too and still cannot get used to them. I realize being online meeting people is, in itself, enough reason for some to think I’m all about easy sex. Such people irritate me, but I try to remember it comes with the territory…unfortunately. I just try to look for the pearls amongst the swine. Like losttreasure, I cannot understand why I’m not ever asked: “whether I can cook, sew, clean house, change a tire, speak a foreign language, balance a checkbook, plan a fundraiser, earn a decent income, or any number of other talents or abilities that might make me a more desirable submissive.” Why IS that, anyway?

Holly talks about being holistic and that she suffers if her service is not balanced by both the practical and the sexual kinds of service. I couldn’t agree more! I want to be of service and I want to be used…both practically and sexually. I think most of us believe it is not ‘all about sex’….regardless of how much we enjoy sex and sexually pleasing our partners. I think Caretakr said it most eloquently ( LOL ) with his first comment (which I take out of context: "If sex is offered without an inherent desire for more than that-it leaves me quite limp now."

I think puella made a wonderfully awesome point regarding ‘making something holy; making anything and any act sacred’. Perhaps it is ‘intent’ that is what gets turned on here. I’d certainly agree that awareness of the commitment to the D/s relationship…the intent…is what makes things ‘turned on’…and therefore sacred.

I also wanted to comment on Celeste’s post. Thank you…yet another time you make so much, so clear! I enjoyed your distinction between the business of life and your service to your Master. And, like you, I generally do not see my sexual relationship with my partner as ‘service’…because sex is always present in my intimate relationships (vanilla or no). I will say though, that I always enjoy my partner using me sexually, too; nothing like returning to the truck, after a wonderful hike in the mountains, only to be bent over the tailgate and ‘had’. Yummmmmmmmm! LOL I would call that service, though (and I’d love it!!!)

I believe Celeste put it perfectly (at least in my mind) when she said “To me, BDSM is all about play, M/s is all about service and power …and sex is all about sex.”

And that brings me to the last thing I want to comment on…and that’s the ‘do-me’ sub. I guess there are many different definitions for the term. Mine is about play; a ‘do-me sub’ wants play only. For them it is not about power exchange, but it IS all about pleasure; theirs and probably their partner’s too. I believe newbies, myself included, are often do-me subs. We want to play (some of us) as often as possible. I wanted to play with every good Dominant I found…and I did. I learned a bunch…both about BDSM and all the toys and activities one could use or do. This play, as edgy as it became, seldom included sex.

Gradually, though (and this is where I so identify with Caretakr and Emperor), it also included The Power Exchange, and I learned that it was The Power Exchange that balanced things for me. Perhaps it is TPE that is the ‘intent’ that makes a BDSM relationship sacred. I was discovering play without TPE is rather hollow…kind of like easy sex is; and left a ‘bad’ taste in my mouth. I can say too, that a D/s or M/s relationship without play or sex would be the same…and leave me feeling just as empty.

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 7/10/2006 12:04:58 PM >

(in reply to Bearlee)

Profile

Post #: 46