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Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 7:17:42 AM

Lec

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Joined: 4/12/2014
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Vanilla couples often argue or fight over some issues.
How does it work in D/s relationships?

I guess, we are all people, and sometimes there must be BIG disagreements... So we need to argue.
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

Post #: 1

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 7:31:02 AM

InHisHeart

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It's very rare when I will get in a heated argument/fight with anyone whether it be Master, family, friends, etc. Talk rationally when disagreeing but not a heated argument. That IMO does nothing but puts both people on the defensive and then nothing gets resolved. Speaking only for my relationship, Master wants to hear my thoughts, he wants to know when there are things I don't agree with him on and we can both discuss without arguing. really listen to each other's POV (not just hear words spewing out) and try to get an understanding of each other's POV. If one or both of us are so pissed off we can't talk about it rationally, we will wait until we have both cooled off before discussing the problem. There are times we agree to disagree.

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(in reply to Lec)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 7:34:55 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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To be honest, I can count on one hand the number of times we've had an argument. Things don't generally get that far because we make an effort to talk about issues as soon as they arise, actually listen to each other without getting defensive, and both work on making things better.

Ultimately, we want a healthy relationship. He wants a partner who is happy and secure. So if something is making me miserable, it's an issue. Sure, technically he's the boss. He could put his foot down and then I would have to decide whether I'm unhappy enough to leave over than issue. But a relationship where one person is unhappy is doomed to failure. So we talk about it, and find compromises. Since we are compatible, and both reasonable people, that has always worked for us. If it's a small issue, I'm probably gonna suck it up and submit, but if it's a big thing we both know that we either find a compromise, or we decide that this is too important to compromise and we part ways.

He could, as the dominant, decide to tell me 'tough shit' about anything I disagree on. But he'd better pick his battles because miserable wife=miserable relationship=divorce. He could physically beat me into submission I suppose, but that's abuse and he'd be explaining that to the judge.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Lec)

Post #: 3

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 9:12:16 AM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
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I really don't think that D/s relationships are all that different from vanilla relationship when it comes to arguing and disagreements. Having said that, I will admit that in a few of my earlier relationships, I struggled with this because as a submissive, I was under the impression that when it came down to disagreements, She would pretty much end those arguments and remind me of who was in charge. Strangely enough, in those first relationships, that rarely happened, which really confused me as I was trying to "live" that life. The moral of the story I received was that people are generally people, and they're going to act like people no matter how much fantasy you try to interject into the equation. What I think that generally led to was me realizing that those earlier relationships probably didn't go as well because I had a lot of maturing left to do back then, but I was too naive to realize it. It would have been really easy to point fingers and say "she's not dominant enough" or something like that, and I probably even did that back then, not knowing any better. It took years of experience on my own and in subsequent relationships to realize that each person is in fact responsible for his or her own relationships, and even if you're a submissive, you still have to work at them to make them work without allowing yourself to cloak them in fantasies that might be somewhat absurd and unrealistic.

Thomas Wolfe was somewhat brilliant when he explained how we can't revisit the past and try to develop a new narrative, which is another way of saying that I sure wish I could go back and change some of the things I said during some of the earlier arguments, but, well, you can't go home again. At least I've matured enough to believe I won't make some of those same mistakes in the future.

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(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 4

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 9:44:24 AM

JeffBC

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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

Long before Carol and I ran into BDSM or D/s it was pretty obvious that if I debated with Carol I would win every single time. Because I have an IQ over 25, it was pretty clear that I could not possibly be correct every single time. In addition, even if magically I was correct every single time that would hardly be conducive to a happy long-term relationship for any number of reasons. So clearly the outcome of 100% wins for me was highly contra-indicated.

What I started doing was soliciting her viewpoint from her carefully. Then stating it back again but put more into serious debate form. When she would confirm that I had it right I would then weigh both sides and explore that weighing with her. Then I'd decide what the outcome was. This was my chosen strategy because I cared more about the actually best answer than I did about "being right".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Lec)

Post #: 5

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 10:25:01 AM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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This:

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

What I started doing was soliciting her viewpoint from her carefully. Then stating it back again but put more into serious debate form. When she would confirm that I had it right I would then weigh both sides and explore that weighing with her. Then I'd decide what the outcome was. This was my chosen strategy because I cared more about the actually best answer than I did about "being right".

Some people take "non-confrontational" to levels that are dangerous to themselves or to their relationships. I have had this happen, more than once.

I'm "sailing along", enjoying my life and my relationship and she says she's ending it.

Why? "Because you don't take my feelings into account." Well, fuck! I'm not a mind reader. If I don't know what those feelings are ...

Anyway, I too have learned to take a more pro-active approach to drawing out what my partner's ideas might be. I will admit that there are still some that the process becomes more like pulling teeth than trying to engage another adult in discussion but, over-all, it has made my life and relationships a lot more pleasant.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 6

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 10:50:07 AM

Kaliko

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Well, I've been known to disagree with him in, um, a rather spirited manner. The difference between us and a vanilla couple I suppose, is that at some point, he tells me to stop - and I do.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 7

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 1:02:38 PM

OriginalRebel

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Joined: 4/18/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Well, I've been known to disagree with him in, um, a rather spirited manner. The difference between us and a vanilla couple I suppose, is that at some point, he tells me to stop - and I do.

Even if he's wrong?

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 8

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 1:48:19 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginalRebel

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Well, I've been known to disagree with him in, um, a rather spirited manner. The difference between us and a vanilla couple I suppose, is that at some point, he tells me to stop - and I do.

Even if he's wrong?

Yes. Well, at that moment, anyway. If it's something I feel strongly about, I usually make it quite known that I disagree. But once that's known, and he's done hearing about it, then there's really nothing more to do.

I'm not an idiot, though. Obviously, if he and I were to disagree on something imminently threatening to our well-being, I will fight my way through it. But barring extreme and urgent circumstances, there's really no reason for me not to stop when he tells me to. Other than just willful disobedience.

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

Post #: 9

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 2:27:58 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
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From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginalRebel
Even if he's wrong?

There is wrong and WRONG.

In many cases there are simply two opinions. Often times both are "right enough". Frequently people debate two options both of which would actually succeed. In this case I can not only tell her to stop the debate but also to swap her viewpoint over to mine.

Then there is absolutely wrong from a factual basis. In that case, of course, reality is the dom of me :) I can tell her whatever I want but reality wins every time. If the facts are not available at the time of the decision and it later turns out I was factually wrong then I get to eat some humble pie.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

Post #: 10

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 3:42:04 PM

sandyTheSub

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Joined: 4/13/2014
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Even if he is WRONG (and not just wrong) he wouldn't let me argue. There is no real fight like with a vanilla couple. If we disagree I am allowed to voice my opinion in a respectful way but this is just that: i am offering my opinion - he can do with it what he wants, even ignore it.

This does not however mean that my opinion gets ignored, it is just his right to do what he wants. This might sound abusive or whatever, but in reality this is much harsher on him than it is on me. Because I voice my opinion and I am done. He has to think about if he was right or wrong or if my opinion is valid or not. He has to come up with a fair conclusion all by himself. Just because you can have your way as a Dom, does not mean you just take what you want. I obey him because I trust him. I trust him to make the right decisions for me, for us.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 11

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 5:38:11 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

Vanilla couples often argue or fight over some issues.
How does it work in D/s relationships?

I guess, we are all people, and sometimes there must be BIG disagreements... So we need to argue.
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

Most DS relationships aren't so black and white. There are usually times the sub will tell the dominant "No," "You're an asshole," etc. just like most relationships.

(in reply to Lec)

Post #: 12

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 6:21:57 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
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It has a lot to do with the people involved but...yeah "power exchange " generally means that you don't operate by consensus. My first Dom was very "I am in charge...you do as told" type. If there was an honest reason or problem, I could provide that information but that did not mean it would change the outcome...he would render a decision & I was expected to follow or accept the repercussions. My most recent Dom has some things that are not open for discussions (usually about washing dishes or my shoes.) but otherwise I can get away with a little more debate.

I equate it to the relationship between an officer and an enlisted person in the military. As the lower ranking person, you are always conscious that you are dealing with someone above you in rank and you don't say "gee Capt, I don't feel like cleaning this latrine..if it is so important to you, why don't you do it?"

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 13

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 6:32:58 PM

Blonderfluff

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I always get " it's so cute when you think this is a Democracy".

Oh. And he's never wrong. Just less right....

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Post #: 14

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 6:46:13 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

Vanilla couples often argue or fight over some issues.
How does it work in D/s relationships?

I guess, we are all people, and sometimes there must be BIG disagreements... So we need to argue.
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

Arguing is a legal term.....there's no emotion involved.

(in reply to Lec)

Post #: 15

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/24/2014 10:11:11 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sandyTheSub
Even if he is WRONG (and not just wrong) he wouldn't let me argue.

Well sure, that's certainly a master's perogative. But at that point the master in question is contesting with reality itself and honestly that can only end one way. I try to avoid "doomed to failure" moves whenever possible.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sandyTheSub)

Post #: 16

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 5:03:57 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

Vanilla couples often argue or fight over some issues.
How does it work in D/s relationships?

I guess, we are all people, and sometimes there must be BIG disagreements... So we need to argue.
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

It didn't work for me. I am a Cimarron, so although someone might be right 99%, at some point they are not right. If one can not admit when they are wrong its a weakness. Now if you have someone who has the ability to lessen their ego and say "Ok this time you have a point" That's awesome. Great even.
Balanced and healthy.
The M/s thing was just too confining. I don't feel comfortable giving someone that much power and escalating already huge egos.

(in reply to Lec)

Post #: 17

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 5:54:31 AM

OriginalRebel

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Joined: 4/18/2014
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I take it we aren't really talking 'DEBATE' because debate is surely crucial to any relationship. There are of course people, quite a lot actually, who can't debate because they need to, at all costs, prove their moral superiority. I can see this being problematic with some dominants.

Arguing is a whole other animal.

Lets take a little fuel and build up what could turn into an argument. I told him last week that I was meeting my mum for lunch on Monday. In the mean time he's gone off and planned something for the entire day on Monday and that something includes me. When he tells me, I explain I'm meeting my mum and remind him that I had told him. He insists I hadn't told him but I know I have because I remember the conversation, the one where he said, "Oh that's nice dear" and asked where we were going. He gets annoyed because I've messed up his plans and insists this is the first he's heard about lunch with mum.

What should I do in such an event? should I cancel lunch with mum and rearrange it for another day?. What if mum can't do another day? Should I allow him to believe he was right? that perhaps I had forgotten to tell him when I know full well I told him? Surely if I give up my plans with mum I'm allowing him to get his own way and behave like a spoilt brat. If I insist on lunch with mum, next time he may just listen to my plans? If I allow him the authority in making that decision for me, then surely he's being given carte blanche permission to always get his own way?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 18

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 6:02:42 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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GO with mum, that's what I would do. We only have one mum and why disappoint her?
Its not your fault. That would be the right thing to do.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 4/25/2014 6:03:00 AM >

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

Post #: 19

RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 6:09:03 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

This is all well and good but there are some of us that might not remember and might not entirely be our fault.

As someone with legitimate memory issues, I can tell you that there have been times when my lady has had me second-guessing myself and then, we find some kind of definitive proof (a third person that was in the room or something) and the situation is resolved.

Sometimes, though, it can be quite the opposite. Some time ago, I was apologizing to my lady for having to spend the whole week back in New Jerky. She informed me that I hadn't left the county in over two weeks. I legitimately believed that I had been away all week.

Was I wrong to argue? Not in my mind. Was she wrong to drive home her point until I realized she was right? Not in my mind.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginalRebel

What should I do in such an event? should I cancel lunch with mum and rearrange it for another day?. What if mum can't do another day? Should I allow him to believe he was right? that perhaps I had forgotten to tell him when I know full well I told him? Surely if I give up my plans with mum I'm allowing him to get his own way and behave like a spoilt brat. If I insist on lunch with mum, next time he may just listen to my plans? If I allow him the authority in making that decision for me, then surely he's being given carte blanche permission to always get his own way?

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

Post #: 20

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