RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 6:22:15 AM

chatterbox24

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Joined: 1/22/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

This is all well and good but there are some of us that might not remember and might not entirely be our fault.

As someone with legitimate memory issues, I can tell you that there have been times when my lady has had me second-guessing myself and then, we find some kind of definitive proof (a third person that was in the room or something) and the situation is resolved.

Sometimes, though, it can be quite the opposite. Some time ago, I was apologizing to my lady for having to spend the whole week back in New Jerky. She informed me that I hadn't left the county in over two weeks. I legitimately believed that I had been away all week.

Was I wrong to argue? Not in my mind. Was she wrong to drive home her point until I realized she was right? Not in my mind.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginalRebel

What should I do in such an event? should I cancel lunch with mum and rearrange it for another day?. What if mum can't do another day? Should I allow him to believe he was right? that perhaps I had forgotten to tell him when I know full well I told him? Surely if I give up my plans with mum I'm allowing him to get his own way and behave like a spoilt brat. If I insist on lunch with mum, next time he may just listen to my plans? If I allow him the authority in making that decision for me, then surely he's being given carte blanche permission to always get his own way?

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

Hmm. Well I have been guilty of arguing a point until Im blue in the face and then it happened! BOOM, I ended up with egg all over my face. That's because I was notorious for not thinking things through first. I can be forgetful too and if I find Ive been foolish or I forgot I just say....
Your right Im wrong.........and then stick my tongue out and give the raspberry because Ohhhhhhhhhhh I don't like being wrong at all.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 4/25/2014 6:23:07 AM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 6:33:57 AM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OriginalRebel

Lets take a little fuel and build up what could turn into an argument. I told him last week that I was meeting my mum for lunch on Monday. In the mean time he's gone off and planned something for the entire day on Monday and that something includes me. When he tells me, I explain I'm meeting my mum and remind him that I had told him. He insists I hadn't told him but I know I have because I remember the conversation, the one where he said, "Oh that's nice dear" and asked where we were going. He gets annoyed because I've messed up his plans and insists this is the first he's heard about lunch with mum.

What should I do in such an event? should I cancel lunch with mum and rearrange it for another day?. What if mum can't do another day? Should I allow him to believe he was right? that perhaps I had forgotten to tell him when I know full well I told him? Surely if I give up my plans with mum I'm allowing him to get his own way and behave like a spoilt brat. If I insist on lunch with mum, next time he may just listen to my plans? If I allow him the authority in making that decision for me, then surely he's being given carte blanche permission to always get his own way?

The first thing I see that strikes me is that you told him that you are having lunch with your mom. It's been my own experience that when I say to him "But we talked about this!" I eventually come to understand that no...I talked about it. And I assumed his agreement based on my own expectation.

The second thing I see that strikes me is that you are wondering if by giving up your plans, you are allowing him to get his own way. As his submissive, I don't allow anything. I sometimes forget myself and try, definitely, but I get wrangled back in again right quick.

Honestly, these are two points that a few years ago I would not have seen. That is my own evolution as a submissive woman. It might not suit you, and I know that. But for me, I would first examine my own actions (once I'm cool-headed enough to do so) and then I would probably see where my own expectations and my belief that I am in a place to allow or approve anything he does are where the fault actually lies.

However, if he truly, truly is wrong, then yes, I would obey, albeit maybe grudgingly. And I would try to be sure we've ironed out how to handle it for next time so that both of us were clear on what was happening on a given day.

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 7:25:18 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
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There is submitting and then being micro managed.
Submitting is D/s to a point where the dom/mess controls most parts of life but you still have some control. Micromanaging is where the owner decides everything. I think this should actually be discussed before the relationship becomes serious.

On topic: a relationship in the lifestyle is no different to vanilla, you should both have the freedom to voice opinions and make important decisions such as financial unless agreed upon earlier.

(in reply to Kaliko)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 7:36:42 AM

OriginalRebel

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Joined: 4/18/2014
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I would choose to eat out with my mum, not because she comes before my relationship but because my character would choose to do that. If he continued to nudge my boundaries, (claiming we never communicated when we in fact did), alarm bells would start ringing.

Speaking of boundaries, do you consider (submissives in a relationship) you have boundaries within that relationship?

(in reply to Kaliko)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 12:52:16 PM

ClassAct2006

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Joined: 4/12/2006
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I don't we really argued in my last relationship, but that's because I don't really do arguments. I don't think that's necessarily because I'm submissive. I just like to talk things over and that usually works.

On the example of the lunch with mother, if you are very submissive to someone I regard his domination as taking decisions which are best for the couple (that does not mean he will get his own way all the time in a selfish sense). So he would consider is this the only chance for her to see her mother for 2 months, look at the situation and then make a good decision which might involve either cancelling his plans for the Monday or the plans with the mother. He might call the mother and send for flowers whilst fixing another date for the mother daughter meeting for example.

Mind you I've only dated ultra reliable men which is what I am. Diaries are sacrosanct, dates are never missed, everyone knows the other's dates and life runs like clockwork and no one is ever late in my super efficient busy life and world. It means I sift a lot of chaff before I get the reliable wheat but it means when I have him (and thankfully there have been some wonderful reliable dominant men) there tend to be no date clashes.

(in reply to OriginalRebel)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 1:47:15 PM

chatterbox24

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Joined: 1/22/2012
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Jaw hits the ground....lol...... That's impressive!

I usually require two kicks and a jump start to even be half as efficient.

Takes my imaginary hat off and does a bow.

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 3:06:06 PM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

Vanilla couples often argue or fight over some issues.
How does it work in D/s relationships?

I guess, we are all people, and sometimes there must be BIG disagreements... So we need to argue.
How is it possible in a relationship in which all the power is in hands of one person?

Lec,

The simple answer is ..it doesn't work.
The Dominant listens to the position of the sub and makes a decision!

CP

(in reply to Lec)

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RE: Arguing and fighting in D/s relationships - 4/25/2014 8:05:23 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Not everyone fights all the time. Plus you can learn to fight fairly.

You can't order someone not to be resentful of a decision you make. You can't order them to feel that you don't care about them when you're high handed. Relationship skills are essential to both d/s and power equal relationships. Communication skills, ditto.

What you can do is realize that we each learn in different ways. If he tells me something over the phone or in chat, I do not remember it. You want me to take it into account, then I have to write it down. This is how I work.

However, if I told him that I wasn't available, and he ignored it, then he would have to deal with the consequences. It is his job to put that info into his datebook or phone calender as it is mine to write it into mine. But someone who expected me to cancel plans that were made previous to him checking with me if I was available, especially if he wanted me to cancel someone who has always been there for me in favor of a relatively new relationship is not someone I could respect. With that said, if he bought tickets to a show, then that would be something that your mother should understand. With you saying that you would have lunch with her and have to leave earlier than expected. But just because he wants you to accompany him to the mall? No thanks.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CelticPrince)

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