cynthiamarie
Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
Status: offline
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 Do I need to warn about an epic post...or is seeing my name enough of a warning? (This is what happens when I read every last post others have made.)
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I have spoken with several dominants who have expressed to me the desire to have a submissive or slave whose focus is to serve, obey and please them... where the sub's very reason for being is to cater to the dominant's needs and wants.
Yet these same dominants complain of submissives who become dependent upon them... calling the submissives "clingy" and "needy" and "insecure".
And I wonder if these dominants are merely indulging in a want but not a driving need, or if they simply had no real idea what they were asking for.
Yes, a driving need. And I expect emotional dependence, to match my need to own and overwhelm.
Wouldn't insecurity only come into it if I were not taking what they needed to give...like telling a sub, "I want your service, but not your love, adoration, neediness, your thoughts, hopes, and dreams." I want everything, even the ugly parts.
Some might need to keep some distance; that's not my way.
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Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?
Need. More intense and reliable than wants or desire.
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We are programmed to need affection, if you do not give a baby a bond to another human being in the first year of life they often become maladjusted, and sometimes violently psychotic, later in life. If we did not need people it wouldn't matter as long as we were diapered and fed, would it?
I also read the studies with the baby monkeys who were removed from their mothers and given a metal one that could "nurse" them but give no comfort or mothering. They were psychotic and grew up to be incapable of mothering their own babies. I read another study with human babies in an orphanage...who were all carefully fed and diapered and taken care of...only there were not enough staff to hold them and love them; many died because of "failure to thrive."
With the monkeys...it looked to me like they had panic attacks, apathy *possibly even dissociative states*, and then an inability to feel empathy for something small and helpless that needed nurturing. I don't know how the human babies who survived were affected...I was only trying to get more information on what could happen to an autistic infant who rejected any mothering/bonding.
Back with the comparison with water that I liked so well...IMHO, needing water doesn't cause the problems...not being able to drink when you're very thirsty does.
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ORIGINAL: akisha
I don't need to have a Master/Dominant to survive. I don't want someone that feels they "need" me to survive. Personally I find that an extremely heavy burden to put on someone.
I can truly understand this...if the Dominant doesn't want that need. If the Dominant/Master wants, welcomes, and develops that need, it is not a burden at all; rather it is his delight.
*grins* Yes, some of us would feel...blessed.
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On edit, I wasnt just talking about this thread with people needing each other... I notice people having trouble wherever they go admitting to needing things... it is odd to me that people feel this way about expressing their desires.. as though the word "need" is a bad thing...
Before I had cancer, I might have been uncomfortable with admitting to this being a need. In vanilla, I actually bought and read Women Who Love Too Much...yeah, it went in the trash long time back as I'm not willing to contort myself into something I'm not to fit into a relationship that doesn't fulfill my needs.
I'm comfortable enough with who I am and what I need, and I like my way better. I also believe that co-dependence can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how it's used.
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In my opinion and this is only my opinion. If someone feels that they need to have a man or a woman in their life to complete it then they are not looking at potential mates from a good point of view. If you think you need to have a someon in your life then you are more likely to choose the first person that comes along and tells you what you want to hear.
Yes, we need wisdom to discern who actually can fill the needs we have. I've been looking for a year and a half; it takes time...and I am way past the point of having a fuck buddy fulfil my needs. I need everything, and until I get what I need I'm keeping busy with searching, reading, sewing, berry picking, being a parent, etc.
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How can this be good for anyone. If you feel you need validation from someone that you are loveable then you will do dangerous and foolish things to try and keep that love. And really that is not a good place to be.
I agree and disagree with this at the same time. Part of being human is needing positive reinforcement, validation of who we are and of our feelings. It's only dangerous and foolish if it's not part of a gift of unconditional love, but comes at a high price.
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I have seen in the last few years so many people online and in r/l, nilla and "lifestyle", bounce from relationship to relationship seeking the "One" and there is always something wrong. It never lasts at the most a couple of months. This is because they need to feel loved and as long as the "honeymoon" period is on hot and heavy then it's all good, but then when life hits and they realize that the other person can not fix the hole with in themselves they get dissappointed and move on again.
I've been one of these people who are looking for the right one, and am risking my reputation and heart to get to know each male sub who seems special to see if we will work out for long term. Yes, I need to feel loved, and no, I've never let things get physically hot and heavy with someone I'm considering because, until I know they're the one I want to keep, it's not appropriate for me to get too physically intimate with them r/t or in cyberland. (I draw the line at sharing my orifices. To each his own.)
I do not have a hole in myself that needs to be filled; I'm not broken. I know this is true a lot of times, but it's not a blanket statement of why D/s relationships don't work out. People can misrepresent themselves, have major life altering events happen that alters everything, or decide that they need more time by themselves to grow in the lifestyle and discover what their own needs really are. I have been disappointed when things didn't developed as I'd hoped, but I am still in everone's life (except for two people; one had an alcohol and drug problem that I refused to deal with, and the other wouldn't respect my boundaries). I didn't move on, didn't abandon them...I'm a friend, an anchor, and one who comforts and helps set priorities when everything goes wrong or is out of balance.
Ok, a lot can go wrong in D/s relationships, as with vanilla ones. Sometimes we all need to stand on our own for a long time, and I've been there, done that, and respect others who have this need to be solitary for a while, or to set limits on the depth of potential relationships.
Oh, and a pet peeve...to some, finding our "One" has nothing to do with unrealistic expectations of something magical just HAPPENING, but a decision...to make someone special our one and only, and pull them in till they're soul deep.
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I'm 32. I have had 3 long term relationships in my life starting at the age of 17. None of these men ended up being my "perfect match" in a "forever" sense. I take the relationships for what they were. What i learned and the love we shared while we shared it will always be with me.
I want them in my life and I had them for along as God, or Fate, deemed I was allowed to have them.
That is beautiful. I also want someone in my life for as long as God, or Fate, deems I'm allowed to have them. This had very deep meaning for me this past year and a half, before my cancer went into remission. Love is worth everything, and isn't any less just because the time is shorter than we may have wished.
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I did not need them in my life. They were there out our choice to be together. Not out of some misguided thought that we needed to be together.
You are more independent than I am in this one aspect, and I respect your feelings.
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I will not settle again and marry or commit to someone that i don't feel will enhance both my and my daughters life. I do not need anyone to fill a hole in my life. For I do not equate being single as a bad thing.
You have higher priorities right now, your daughter. My unmentionable came first in my life for 17 years, and I don't regret my priorities at that time as it helped to keep him safe, and I didn't want to share my authority over him with anyone else. My needs went into hibernation.
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julia noted on here that people are afraid to express needing other people...I think part of that comes not out of a phobia but because we are taught that it can be unhealthy to need someone specifically.
Yes, our culture teaches that...but we all started off needing a parenting figure, and nobody calls that unhealthy. Parents die too, and we deal with it and go on. Why should loving and needing a specific person, a mate this time, be unhealthy and different? Did we have a higher mental health rating as children, to endure needing another person so much, than we have as adults?
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RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting - 
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