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Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:16:12 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline
Hello All!

I'm new to the board and new to the lifestyle. It has taken me many years to get here, but I think that I've arrived.

I have a problem and I would love some insight and advice. My problem is an online Dom...yes, I know there will be much gnashing of teeth and rolling of eyes...I just finished reading a similar thread started by TallandSweet16 and I really hate to rehash things. I live in a very small, ultra orthodox town where people believe that homosexuality can be prayed away. So I'm sure if I reached out to friends and family here, they'd come in a bus, speaking in tongues and throwing olive oil at me.

I met this guy on an adult site. And granted, I always try to be EXTREMELY careful when interacting with anyone there, but this guy stood out.
Background: I was under the impression from his profile that we live in the same state.
He states that he is a single dad &works on an oil rig in LA
He states that he would relocate for the right woman.

Our first week of correspondence was just a general getting a feel for one another, but soon it came around to wants, needs and desires. He said he was a "Dominant Male" and that he was seeking a Submissive Woman.
We have spoken twice on the phone, once regular conversation and one playtime session, after which I started to cry. He responded to me that he wished he could be there to hold me and comfort me.

Our emails really started in earnest April 29th and without fail, he has sent an email everyday, sometimes up to 20 per day. Some are sexual, some are regular mundane.
Then May 6th, he sends an email saying that there has been an accident on a rig in Canada and he had to fly up to help with investigation..he would write more soon.
His last email was just a few days ago, May 9th...again saying cell/internet is sketchy on the Canadian rig.

Here are my impressions:
1. I think he's married.
2. I though he was lying about working on a rig, so I finally broke down and called the number he used. When answered, I asked where I was calling and the guy says: "This is an offshore platform".
3. When I've talked to him about something I felt he was being dishonest about, he was always able to give me a reasonable explanation...like, I found one of his photos on another site. Well, shucks, I've been around the online dating world for some time and I've even found SOME OF MY OWN PHOTOS on other sites.
4. The things he says do not sound copied, plagarized or false.

I'm really confused as I've started to have feelings for him. And this is a major issue for me because I don't like dealing with emotions. I told him I was taking a huge gamble and coming WAAAAYYYY out of my comfort zone for him. He replied saying the he understood my concerns and fears, that he honors them and would do nothing to break the trust we've established thus far.
I'm just really nervous and starting to have doubts about EVERYTHING.

I've gone back and read, re-read all of the emails and honestly, can't see anything that stands out, and I'm just wondering if I'm being too anxious about not hearing from him and reading more into this communications break than is actually there.

There's so much to tell, I don't wish to re-write War and Punishment so if you have any questions,

I am open to them and will answer if any are posed to me. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks
Lotus
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:22:51 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, God's holy trousers, before I say another word.

It is always a bit of a frustration, to try to pencil these things out, I wouldn't overanalyze this, it could be as simple as he does work on a rig, and you are his bit of crumpet on his time off at work, and that he has a wife who is his bit of crumpet when his shift ends and he goes home for some time.

It could be as simple as all of it is the truth, and it will be revealed in time.

The thing is you need to not invest yourself so deeply, thru pen pals, it don't really start-start until the rubber meets the actual road.

Breathe the spring air, walk, enjoy nature, find your center and put this out of your mind............it happens.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:26:45 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		If he works on an oil rig, he would literally only work 6 months a year. I know because I've dated many oil and gas guys in the past and there is similarity in their work schedules, no matter where in the world they work.

And they get paid so damn well, that he should have no issues flying out to meet you in person, perhaps instead of worrying and getting so anxious try to push him to come over and find you during his holidays, and trust me, their holidays are LONG.

My philosophy is, if I really really like someone online, then I'd push for a real life meet ASAP, because no point wasting more and more time developing online connection if you don't even know if physical chemistry is there.

I thought I'd also add that Oil and Gas guys working on Oil Rig are the easiest to relocate, because their type of job, they are always moving, and to relocate just means, that 6 months holiday, he flies in and be with you, and another 6 months, his at work.

I kinda like dating them because their time off is so good.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/12/2014 9:32:07 AM >

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:27:40 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		mnottertail...

LOL...You are correct! I finally awoke this morning claiming that I was gonna throw THIS MONKEY OFF MY BACK!

I'm trying. And as for the rubber-meeting-the-road...

We had discussed RT meeting here in June. My schedule conflicts.
I do have a tendency to over think things. And will do my utmost best to reel in those feelings and invest more wisely.

Thank you very much for such a speedy reply. This is all so new and things can get so out of hand, so quickly.
Your input was much needed and very much appreciated.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:27:41 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Lotus

First off, well done with your first post.

Secondly, I have found that intuition in a powerful thing. SOMETHING just doesn't feel right to you. I would listen to that small voice. It's usually right.

This obviously feels very real to you, so I will not go into "real life vs. cyber". Cyber is not for me, but I realize it can be for some. I would begin to guard my heart a bit, and eventually the truth will come out, whatever it is. Truth always reveals itself, especially if we are paying attention. It seems you are.



_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:34:32 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with what has already been said. It might all be innocent, but it doesn't bode well that you're already feeling that something isn't right.

Assuming the eventual plan would be to be together in person, perhaps the thing to do is let him know that you can see potential in the relationship, but to spare you both heartache you think it's best that you wait until you meet in person before you get more invested. After all, he could be totally 100% honest and you still might have zero chemistry once you meet in the flesh.
That way you're not accusing him of lying, and if he's as serious as you are, you've left the door open for something to happen in the future. Preferably when he's back in your home state and you can date the old fashioned way.

Thing with online (I'm not knocking it, I met my husband online) is that you only interact with them in a very controlled environment. You have their full attention, you can both think about how you want to come across, and real life doesn't really come into it. Your imagination fills in the gaps and suddenly he's Mr Fantastic because you never see any flaws. You never smell his morning breath, you never see him lose his temper in bad traffic, or see how he acts after a bad day at work or whether he's rude to the waitress. While the connection can be intense and special, you need to be realistic that the person you are falling for is 50% your own imagination. So even if he isn't lying, I'd try hard to guard my heart until I saw whether his flaws were things I could live with.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:35:07 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		Greta and Blonderfluff...

Thanks so much!

Cyber really isn't my thing, but giving my geographical location, the r/t pickins are pretty slim.

@Greta...we were discussing a face-2-face for June, but I must wait until school is out for my kid. So, we will see.
If I hear (funny thing is: I KNOW I'm going to hear from him again....just don't know when), but I will do as you suggest and push for a face time.

@Blonderfluff...yea, that intuition is powerful stuff. I use it often, just looks like this time, I might have gotten blindsided. We shall see.

Thanks so much!

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:37:32 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		OMG Athena!

I was just telling myself these very things yesterday! So to hear it from someone else in the lifestyle is a HUGE AHA moment for me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:53:25 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		You know, being a novice in this area is very daunting. Given the nature of some people's kinks, one has to be extremely sure of what they might be getting into.

I cannot say how great it is to find people of like mind. For the longest time, I have felt out of place and basically just ignored what I knew about myself. I would suppose that the key to this is to tread even more carefully than one would normally. That's not to say that predators in this lifestyle are any more dangerous than the vanilla, but if one is choosing to give themselves, their mind, body and soul over to another in control, then one would need to be ESPECIALLY careful.

I'm very thankful that you ladies came to "rescue", as I so needed the opinion of a woman. I cannot thank you enough.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 9:53:52 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Pretty much what everyone has said.... particularly Athena.

Play it out, protect your heart, and hope for the best.
But never forget common sense or those niggling voices.

Best of luck I sincerely hope it works for you.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 10:01:21 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

You know, being a novice in this area is very daunting. Given the nature of some people's kinks, one has to be extremely sure of what they might be getting into.

I cannot say how great it is to find people of like mind. For the longest time, I have felt out of place and basically just ignored what I knew about myself. I would suppose that the key to this is to tread even more carefully than one would normally. That's not to say that predators in this lifestyle are any more dangerous than the vanilla, but if one is choosing to give themselves, their mind, body and soul over to another in control, then one would need to be ESPECIALLY careful.

I'm very thankful that you ladies came to "rescue", as I so needed the opinion of a woman. I cannot thank you enough.

You are very welcome! Stick around. There are some really great peeps on this side.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 10:07:36 AM   
sandyTheSub


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/13/2014
Status: offline 		Just remember:
Innocent until proven guilty.
Overthinking causes more problems than solutions.
Always be careful with your heart.


very random facts, but it is always good to keep them in mind.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 10:10:08 AM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		Really Ladies...

You are making me cry! But it's good tears! LOL

(in reply to sandyTheSub)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 1:35:38 PM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		You shouldn't have told him you found his profile on another site. You should have just created a fake profile and then messaged him, as a stranger, saying you were interested. See what he said. See if you can find another profile and do that. It will tell you all you need to know about his honesty.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 1:50:47 PM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		No. I did not find his profile on another site...just his one of his photos in a category on a site. All of his other pictures I ran through Tineye and have not found them anywhere else. And I honestly believe that he was forthcoming, because as I said, several years back, I had a friend contact me saying that one of pictures was being on a sex site. It happens. And to me, that's a small issue.
You have fun, take sexy pictures, it ends for whatever reason and the person takes your photos and does whatever with them. The picture of me, how was I recognized? He recognize one of my piercings!

The main issue I'm having is trust. Not just him...ANYBODY. So, it really maybe that's he's as honest as the day is long, and I'm letting my fear of trusting run me ragged. Only time will tell.
He has asked me for patience and I will give it to him. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to be waiting Methuselah's ages for him. It just means that I'll grant him time enough to show me if he's real or not.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 1:53:57 PM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		I thought about creating another profile and putting in his general description, but at this point, I'm pretty tired. And although I'm a bundle of nerves about this, I need to step back and be more realistic...he's either going to contact me again or not. But I won't spend anymore time playing detective. It's becoming so not worth it. It's draining me.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 2:25:26 PM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		Freedomdwarf1...

Sorry, I missed thanking your for your reply.
Thanks so much.

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 3:36:17 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

I thought about creating another profile and putting in his general description, but at this point, I'm pretty tired. And although I'm a bundle of nerves about this, I need to step back and be more realistic...he's either going to contact me again or not. But I won't spend anymore time playing detective. It's becoming so not worth it. It's draining me.



So glad to see you are against this idea/ in my opinion. one does not fight dishonesty by being dishonest!!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 4:51:58 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I met someone from here who was involved in drilling oil wells.

Or so he said.
He also said he was European.

At some point we spoke on the phone and he really did not sound European, unless Europe had been relocated to an African country.

And shortly after that, he asked me to call him and he had some life or death emergency: needed lifesaving surgery or he could die, but of course he needed to pay the surgeon.

I had a sudden lapse in compassion and refused all attempts at contact after that.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to BeautifulLotus)
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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 5:16:56 PM   
BeautifulLotus


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2014
Status: offline 		Angelika,

Sometimes for kicks and grins, I answer the spam phishing emails back...you know the ones, "Dear Madame, I have chosen you to help me in the endeavour of claiming $35million dollars"

I always say: "Sure, I'll get back to you with my information in about an hour." Never fails, an hour later, they're back. And you know that it's some Nigerian sitting in a rudimentary internet cafe because he completely misses the sarcasm. To which my response is email is to the tune of: I can't believe you believed me! I chuckle at myself sometimes.

Anyhoo..my guy is definitely an American. Has the cutest LA accent and when he speaks to me, it's as if pearls are falling from the lips of God...lol
Believe me when I say, I have no compassion for scammers or fakers. So depending on the outcome of my situation, I'll either be a happy camper or a fire breathing dragon. What I WON'T be is a gal who'll waste another second of my time on anything to do with him if he betrays my trust. Sometimes, people do things that are beneath contempt...and would much rather be using the time I would spend conjuring up methods of revenge, in meditation and clearing my space.

Yea, people can be so....sometimes.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
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