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Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:14:40 AM   
Arianna92


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2013
Status: offline 		Hello to all who care to read this,
I have been reading the forums a bit, which made me both believe it'd be useful to hear the advice of this community and a bit scared of the very snarky responses I could get

I understand that when it comes to two people having a relationship or a group of friends who know each other well, everyone can use the labels they prefer and that that they most fancy to define their role and rapport, but when it comes to looking for a partner, especially on the internet, it's useful to use terms that are somewhat codified and universally understood. Here's where I find myself in a pickle.

Ideally, I wouldn't define anything about my sexuality, not even my orientation, but there are situations when it's needed for people to understand something in less than 3 pages of essay. I've been reading a bit and came to the conclusion that what describes my inclinations best is the term 'bedroom submissive'. According to this sparkly page -http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/types.htm - and other sources I've read, 'bottom' doesn't really fit me, because I'm not so much into 'playing' casually and organizing scenes, but into a sexual dynamic of power that takes place in a relationship of two people who are, otherwise, equals.

Now, it seems like I can't very well express this to my partners, even 'though, I assure you, I've tried. Had it happened once I might have explained through mis-communication, incompatibility or faults of the other party, but since it happened twice -both in a relationship that had a definite bedroom power dynamic without ever being defined as such and in another that started from this website and therefore was defined by the power dynamic-, it must come down to something I do wrong or fail to convey.
Both of these people tried to extend what was a sexual dynamic to other areas of my life, one simply by trying it, the other actually stating that this what all submissive women want and eventually grow to become. Now, even taking a Skeptical approach and assuming really everything is possible and people can radically change, I know myself enough to state that such a change is as realistic as me becoming a free-market anarchist into dance music and automatic rifles, a.k.a. quite unlikely. Now, I understand compromise in a romantic relationship and doing things that make the other person happy, alias complying with their desires sometimes, but this, to me, has to be reciprocal and completely transcends the sexual dynamic. But things like ending an abstract argument with a 'I said so' or trying to control my sleeping patterns -I'm a nigh owl and it works for me - and level of physical activity doesn't 'inspire submission or the 'desire to follow the leader' in me, it inspires annoyance and it reminds me of my parents and my adolescence. I'm just out of that phase and it was hard enough fighting against someone else's desire to control me, albeit justified by my age, then, I surely can't stand it now and it contributed greatly to both affairs ending.

Now, what am I doing wrong? What am I failing to explain? Are there universal words used to describe someone like me? How can I can I send the clear message to people that I don't believe this is a phase that will eventually bring me to psychologically submit to someone and have someone make my choices for me? Can the fact that I tend to be into older people contribute to this?

Thanks very much for your help,
Arianna

< Message edited by Arianna92 -- 5/12/2014 11:18:11 AM >
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:20:56 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		It sounds very much to me that you're a 'bedroom sub' but nothing else within any other kink.
That wouldn't take very much explaining IMHO - just a sentence or two.

There are some bedroom-only Doms but I think they are not as common.
So maybe you are really limiting the pool you're fishing in.

Just sayin'


_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to Arianna92)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:22:13 AM   
Ladytisha


Posts: 112
Joined: 6/3/2013
Status: offline 		So in a nutshell you want a romantic relationship where your lover submits to you and vice versa?

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:23:21 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Arianna


Try this

Hi. I'm Arianna. I really love and need to give up power in the bedroom. It makes me hot and very turned on, and I need it in my life.
Outside of the bedroom, I need only a good, solid relationship. No power exchange at all. I am not a submissive or a slave. I just relish giving up control between the sheets. Don't try to change me, I know myself very well.


That should do it. You just can't choose someone who identifies as a TPE Dominant, because you won't be compatible.

For everyone that is on the kinky side of things, there is usually someone with a matching kink. It just takes time, patience and clarity to find them



_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:25:58 AM   
sandyTheSub


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/13/2014
Status: offline 		Hi Arianna92 :)
I have read tons of book on this lifestyle (my Master gives me lots of reading assignments) and what I learned so far is, that everyone has their own definition.

Your type seems pretty easy to define: you want sexual submission. Basically you want your partner to dominate you during sex, but nothing more. If you try to use fancy words it most often just complicates things. Wanted something in the bedroom is a pretty straightforward explaination :p

But many people want more than that. Many people that like the control in a sexual environment also like it outside of that environment. There are more people who like to submit in a sexual environment but don't like to submit outside sex. So this naturally leads to some problems. All you can do is being upfront about it. Sadly there is no magic word for you to say to make your partner understand.

Also this site may not be the best for you - as most people who are into this lifestyle want it outside the bedroom also. Not everyone of course, but in general one only joins sites like this when this kink is a huge part of their life.

(in reply to Arianna92)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:50:29 AM   
Arianna92


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2013
Status: offline 		Ladytisha, no, not at all. See, I can't explain myself, it must be it. Maybe there's also a language barrier of some sort, it'd be simpler in my mother tongue probably.
Blonde explained it well and it's very much appreciated. I've said similar things before, 'though, and repeated them ad nauseam, I was hoping there could be magic word, or immediate definition, that may convey it all super-clearly, but I knew that was unlikely, probably this is just a case of people trying to push their unrequited kink on me, even when they know I'm not into it. Probably this website is too lifestyle-oriented for me, yes, I can't think of any other that is not super casualplay-oriented, on the other hand. I don't need this, if I fell in love with a classmate, for example, I could be totally happy with just vanilla sex, if this was a guy, most boys tend to be somewhat dominant sexually, even if just subtly. I just very much like it and I'm draw to it, but it's not a mandatory thing.
Freedom, I'm not sure what you mean with 'any other kink', and it's not like I'm limiting the pool as 'a choice', I guess the way I am limits it by default, it'd be counterproductive to try and hide it, I already have problems while I am as explicit as I can, I can only imagine what I'd get if I weren't.

< Message edited by Arianna92 -- 5/12/2014 11:51:57 AM >

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 11:53:58 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		In that case, have you considered just looking for a date and then telling them you like to be bossed around in the bedroom?

It's true that some sites are casual sex orientated and others skew towards lifestyle D/s. But I'm willing to bet there are a lot of people out there who would be thrilled with someone who was wild in bed.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 12:00:35 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		If your mother tongue is easier for you, you must be spectacular because your English is pretty damned good from what I can see.

I doubt it's a communication barrier. There are people (especially dominants) that seem to have the "I know this is what you like but wait 'til you try what I want you to do" attitude. It's like the army of male dominants that are bound and determined to make a truly straight lady bisexual. It's stupidity (and in my example, abusive). I am not talking about a "forced bi" kink. I'm talking well, you know what I mean.

I strongly suggest that you stick to your guns while being as open-minded as you possibly can be. I know that seems contradictory but. it may not be.

Maybe there's a guy who identifies as dominant that just wants a few ... Now, I can't think of the right word ... "domestic duties" to be performed with no question.

I'll give you an example from my life: I don't clean toilets. I just don't do it. My lady has no issue with it, what-so-ever. Job done.

If you talk to a guy who seems to be convinced he wants a submissive, you may find out you aren't all that far apart (there's lots of guys, floating around that really don't give a damn about much else other than sex-on-demand).



Good luck.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 1:59:33 PM   
Arianna92


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2013
Status: offline 		DaddySatyr, thanks. What you are saying makes a lot of sense, I think you lost me at the toilet metaphor 'though.
Athena, yes, if I happen to like someone and end up dating them, that's what I'd do. I guess I reckoned that if I had to go actively look for someone, I'd look for the ideal. Plus, I'm hardly attracted to people my age -I get along with them just perfectly, just not in a romantic way, it seems - and that's mostly who I meet in my daily life. Unless I decide to hit on my professors

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 2:25:06 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Well, the toilet bit wasn't a metaphor.

I gave it as an example of some things that a man may "demand" of you that you might be okay with doing and thus, "submitting" outside the bedroom.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Arianna92)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 2:35:39 PM   
Arianna92


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/9/2013
Status: offline 		Ohh, got it. But no, god no. I won't clean toilets either, seriously, I live in a dorm apartment with other 3 girls my age and we have cleaner. If I wasn't able to afford her anymore I'd prostitute myself or sell a couple of non-vital organs', that's how much I like to tidy up stuff. Plus, I don't' see how incorporating things that contradict the type of relationship I'd like to build could help me build it.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 6:07:49 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Hi. I am a dominant guy in NYC that like you is not living the life style. I am however a bit too old for you and with a wonderful woman who is not into sharing. But I think I can give you a lot of advice.

I think you are on the wrong website.

Most kinky dating sites tend to attract the more serious lifestyle people and/or people looking for harder kink - S&M rather than B&D.

I suggest you consider OKCupid. If you take the time to hunt answer the questions you can clearly declare yourself as kinky and Submissive. They actually rank you on a scale of 1 to 10.

You can also see how kinky and dominant people are - IF they have answered the right questions.

If you go so far as to pay them, you can even search for all dominant guys on the website within x miles from you.


Email me here at collarme if you want some more advice.

P.S. There are some nice clubs here in NYC and TES runs a novice meeting to take newbies to see the clubs in a safe environment.

< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 5/12/2014 6:08:51 PM >

(in reply to Arianna92)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 6:29:50 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline 		Finding a man, even in vanilla life, whom truly lives among women as equals, is rare. Finding that within an intimate relationship that includes a power exchange, is even more rare. So, patience and faith pertain. Since you have natural choices (bisexuality), perhaps it will be easier to bond with another woman, as equals.

This site has a name that holds powerful meaning. This is not where I would suggest any person seek an equal relationship because well, collars make things unequal, consciously and fervently exchanged between those whom crave this way of bonding. A first rule of communication is to know your audience. Both male and female CM members come here knowing that this is where people seeking power exchange will gather.

Some vanilla context: in America, marital rape was only recognized in the past 40 years. From a male top/Dom point of view, the entitlements of the marital bedroom were always there. Because the law did not recognize a wife's sovereignty over the boundary of her own skin, it could not be violated. You know, the wife becomes the husband's property. When she said, "I do," that is when consent was given for him to use her body, to physically punish her and to control their finances. You like older guys. This is what they've experienced themselves, or grew up expecting to experience. Entitlement.

In D/s, these issues are discussed, agreed upon and committed to, AND now laws support the choice to NOT agree. That factor is something many in D/s feel enhances the quality of their bond because it IS an active choice, given freely on both sides.

This does not appear to be what you seek.

My suggestion... date vanilla and trust that chemistry will sort out whom is going to respond to your natural need to submit sexually. I just think that is a better "know your audience" fit. Once there, I suspect you will find that others will speak the same language and you will be better understood.

Truly, I like people of all slants here... but, trying to find a Dom/Domme whom really has a grasp on the concept of "equal," with a D/s partner, is just... we call that a unicorn. (the elusive dream)

Best of luck to you, however you choose to proceed.

ETA - grammar

< Message edited by BecomingV -- 5/12/2014 6:37:31 PM >

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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 6:40:16 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I'm the same way Arianna.

I identify as a "bedroom bottom/submissive"- I get the same people you do trying to tell me what "I really need"- Blonde's response is good.
You can find what you're looking for. I found my man on OKC and turned him kinky in the bedroom- people will tell you you aren't really submissive if you do this, or a whole mess of other nonsense. Just ignore them.
I've gotten a lot of "A bottom dictates the scene! The dom isn't a dom at all, he's just pleasing the bottom!" and I disagree. No one is alike. My advice, as always is, if you don't like them, tell them why and tell them its just not what you want and move on. Its not worth your time to get into a dynamic you aren't actually interested in.

For me, kink is only important in the bedroom. I love it, and I don't think I could be with someone who wanted me to take charge in the bedroom. But I also couldn't be with someone who wanted to control me OUTSIDE the bedroom. Its a simple concept, and its perfectly fine. Just keep looking for the right partner and don't let it get you down.

(in reply to BecomingV)
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RE: Definitions - 5/12/2014 7:15:01 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		could I introduce you to my current boyfriend? (this is a joke that I figured those who contributed in a thread I started recently would get. We are not looking for a 3rd, thanks)

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: Definitions - 5/14/2014 12:51:38 AM   
LordHeimdall


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2014
From: NW Indiana
Status: offline 		For the record Arianna, I believe I understood what you meant as soon as I read your first post. I just don't get to the forum every day. As soon as I read your post Jay Wiseman's quote came to mind.

In reading SM 101 by Jay Wiseman (I'm only on page 119 of 380 at the moment) I think he said it best.

quote:

I remember in particular the time I told a novice submissive woman who was having trouble setting limits with her far-too-pushy boyfriend, "Look, just because you're a slave in the bedroom doesn't mean you have to be a slave to him in the rest of your life."
She looked at me with astonishment.
"I don't?" she asked incredulously.
"No," I answered, "you don't. Not unless you want to, anyway."
A very thoughtful look appeared on her face. Hearing that statement from the head of a male-dominant SM club clearly had an effect on her. That relationship didn't last much longer.


So many people have suggested good dating websites. I was going to suggest eHarmony... But I have no first hand experience with them. I found my wife 23 years ago and just now told her what I felt was missing from our relationship. But for us it was the opposite. I have always held the power in our family. Controlled the finances, etc... But in the bedroom we were equals and that held very little appeal to me. Since she has been submitting in the bedroom as well, things have improved for both of us...

_____________________________

Heimdall, Lord only to one.

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RE: Definitions - 5/14/2014 3:27:01 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Well, the toilet bit wasn't a metaphor.

I gave it as an example of some things that a man may "demand" of you that you might be okay with doing and thus, "submitting" outside the bedroom.


Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?


I love cleaning toilets! Because I need my toilet to be sparkling clean to use it, but I will get mad if my man dirties it.

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RE: Definitions - 5/14/2014 7:38:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The problem with being a bedroom sub is that most dominants aren't just bedroom doms. I don't think that you aren't explaining it correctly, I think they are so happy to get a sub that they're making promises they can't keep.

The Man and I supposedly started like this but he's incapable of not making decisions about the rest of my life whenever he thinks I'm handling things at less than optimal. Thankfully, I actually like handing over decision making to someone who is sufficiently competent in my opinion at making decisions.

The other thing is that most guys are problem solvers. So if you're complaining about being too tired when it's time to go to class, almost any dominant will feel impelled to solve this problem by telling you when you need to go to sleep. The response to that is to tell them you don't need them to solve the problem, you just wanted to vent.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Definitions - 5/14/2014 7:45:42 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


The other thing is that most guys are problem solvers. So if you're complaining about being too tired when it's time to go to class, almost any dominant will feel impelled to solve this problem by telling you when you need to go to sleep. The response to that is to tell them you don't need them to solve the problem, you just wanted to vent.

*sighs*, tell me about it, alot of men don't understand that many times a woman does not want a solution but just wants a listening ear. My x-dom was such a manly man, he always gets mad that his given me a solution but I refuse to execute his solution. Because it's not my way of dealing with things whatever he suggested. And then his like, if I don't want his advice, then don't tell him my problem. These are work issues that I just wanted to vent to him. But not asking him for a solution!

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RE: Definitions - 5/14/2014 8:42:14 AM   
LordHeimdall


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2014
From: NW Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


quote:


The other thing is that most guys are problem solvers. So if you're complaining about being too tired when it's time to go to class, almost any dominant will feel impelled to solve this problem by telling you when you need to go to sleep. The response to that is to tell them you don't need them to solve the problem, you just wanted to vent.

*sighs*, tell me about it, alot of men don't understand that many times a woman does not want a solution but just wants a listening ear. My x-dom was such a manly man, he always gets mad that his given me a solution but I refuse to execute his solution. Because it's not my way of dealing with things whatever he suggested. And then his like, if I don't want his advice, then don't tell him my problem. These are work issues that I just wanted to vent to him. But not asking him for a solution!


This is too true. I think we are hard wired this way. And that is often my response as well... If you didn't want it solved why did you tell me?

_____________________________

Heimdall, Lord only to one.

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