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feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 12:33:12 AM

ivone57

Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
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how do you cope with that ...

when the one you love makes you feel ugly and unwanted because you have gained a few lbs...

I know I can loose the weight but something is holding me back that I cant explain...

I just wish things were as they used to be when we were happy to be in each others company....

what would you do ?????

I know beauty comes from the inside out but when you feel like I do nothing helps... any advice

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ivone

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RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 12:37:04 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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I'd lose the weight.

Then I'd ask myself whether I want to be with someone who doesn't support me.

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(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 2

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 12:39:27 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I'd lose the weight.

Then I'd ask myself whether I want to be with someone who doesn't support me.

This.

(hiya ML!! *hugs*)

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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Post #: 3

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 4:14:12 AM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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Is he actually being verbally abusive or is he giving you less attention.
Less attention is not necessarily less hurtful than abuse.

Are you able to tell him how you feel? Using I statements can help.
I feel X when you do Y.

And maybe counseling... because "something is holding [you] back" plus happiness is mostly an inside job.

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(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 4

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 4:51:25 AM

KYsissy

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Joined: 5/12/2005
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What crazy ML said.

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Post #: 5

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 8:36:47 AM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I'd lose the weight.

Then I'd ask myself whether I want to be with someone who doesn't support me.

Perfect ^. Though I think personally I'd reverse the order.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

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Post #: 6

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 8:59:57 AM

caringShrink

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/23/2012
Status: offline

You need ask yourself why you feel ugly? If you feel ugly there isn't anything anyone can say to change that. Change can only start inside us and move out. You are a truly wonderful person as is everyone, but you need to learn to believe it.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 7

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 9:18:24 AM

FelineRanger

Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ivone57

how do you cope with that ...

when the one you love makes you feel ugly and unwanted because you have gained a few lbs...

I know I can loose the weight but something is holding me back that I cant explain...

I just wish things were as they used to be when we were happy to be in each others company....

what would you do ?????

I know beauty comes from the inside out but when you feel like I do nothing helps... any advice

Is it possible that you have put on the weight as a response to the deterioration of your relationship? My bias as a Weight Watchers member might be showing, but I have discovered that I used food as self medication far more than I ever realized.

_____________________________

Bill

(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 8

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 9:47:19 AM

RedMagic1

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Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ivone57
when the one you love makes you feel ugly and unwanted because you have gained a few lbs...

This sentence has all kinds of alarm bells in it.

Let's start with the word "few." When I was in grade school, I was taught that "few" meant "about three." Have you gained only about three pounds? My guess is that it's more. Is it a number you're able to say out loud? If not, then you aren't looking at the problem in an honest and impartial way, so solving the problem will be hard.

Have you gained, say, 100 pounds? That's the size of a small person, and a gain like that is almost certainly the result of life choices, both small and large, that consistently choose unhealth over health. Speaking for myself, I don't find weight ugly, or fat women unattractive, per se. I tend to prefer "thick girls" when I masturbate, for example. The reason I don't date heavy women anymore is that I kept running into *habits* that I found unattractive. Looks can change, but, for most people, habits are forever. You can bet I'm not going to try to "change" the woman I'm dating.

Have you developed unattractive habits? He might find those habits ugly and something he doesn't want. Probably he should be communicating better, if you feel you have to post something like this online. So his weak relationship skills might be part of the reason you're in this mess. But, regardless of whether you keep him in your life, you are stuck keeping yourself in your life. You might as well live a life that is as healthy as possible. We don't get a lot of do-overs, you know what I mean?

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 9

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 10:36:25 AM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

When a person is consistently put down within a relationship by the one person whose opinion they care about above all others and whose critique can be the most devastating ( I'm not saying Ivone has been, I'm generalising), they tend to seek solace in something they derive comfort from doing. Comfort eating and weight gain is a common symptom. The chemical changes and thought processes of someone already down that comfort eats is considerable, their perception becomes skewed so it's rarely a conscious choice to increase the weight and also acknowledge that they need to do something about it - until something occurs that forces that change. We all have our poison that we use as a form of self abuse, for some of us it's alcohol, drugs, starvation, extreme exercise, smoking, for others it's food, the latter being the most difficult to avoid as our relationship with food is shaped from a very young age and it's nothing we can avoid - but with the right help we can learn to control those impulses so that we make healthier choices.

"I know I can loose the weight but something is holding me back that I cant explain..." suggests this is a long-term issue. A person requires certain criteria to establish change, starting with positive motivation.

People are typically sympathetic towards anorexics, it's understood it's an eating disorder induced by a mental health condition, yet when it comes to an overeater it's in short supply. It is still an eating disorder!

Relationships are peculiar, or rather, people in them are. In the newness of a relationship we feed up our loved one, even referring to those extra pounds as 'cuddly', yet when the bloom of that relationship wears off suddenly those extra pounds are unacceptable and a focus.

FelineRanger makes an excellent point. I would also say that the moment a person that purports to love you starts putting you down and in such a personal way it really is time to lose that mountain of chub - by getting rid of them altogether and regaining your self esteem.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 10

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 10:45:47 AM

Ladytisha

Posts: 112
Joined: 6/3/2013
Status: offline

If you've gained a few extra pounds, changed your hair color or whatever the case may be if you aren't feeling loved, accepted etc maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 11

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 11:24:29 AM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ivone57

how do you cope with that ...

when the one you love makes you feel ugly and unwanted because you have gained a few lbs...

I know I can loose the weight but something is holding me back that I cant explain...

I just wish things were as they used to be when we were happy to be in each others company....

what would you do ?????

I know beauty comes from the inside out but when you feel like I do nothing helps... any advice

Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own feelings. As others have implied, it seems more likely that something else has been going on that led to you gaining weight.

It also seems likely that you yourself are not happy with the weight gain, and it makes you feel ugly. Your partner may well find the weight - and the reasons that led to you gaining it - unattractive. He may not want you anymore, and obviously you will feel unwanted... but you have to acknowledge that we are not in control of what we find attractive or unattractive.

But you are in control of your weight... and you can get help for emotional issues that contribute to that problem. And if there is anything to be salvaged from your relationship, you can talk openly with your partner and enlist his support in dealing with your issues and the issues of the relationship.

But you have to be willing. Statements like "I know I can loose the weight but something is holding me back that I cant explain... " are self defeating and will make your partner feel like you are only paying lip service to caring about the issues that are dividing you.

Be bold and have courage. Good luck.

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Post #: 12

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 11:45:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

When you receive no support, no positive affirmations, then you will need something to comfort you. For most of us, food is comfort.
Beyond that, once you lose the weight, then what? Will he tell you that you're too old to be attractive?

If he wishes to repair the relationship, then marriage counseling. But if he isn't interested in fixing things, then nothing you can do will be enough.

I'd start thinking about an exit strategy. Because once you realize you don't need him to survive and be happy, at that point he may realize that he needs you and will be willing to change things. Although if it takes that for him to change, the moment you aren't ready to leave he'll go back to this.

In the meantime, is he willing to pay for you to go to Weight Watchers and join a gym? Pilates classes, yoga, personal trainer? Because if he won't spend the money for you to get what you need, then that says he doesn't want to have to change, that he enjoys putting you down.

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Post #: 13

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 4:31:22 PM

MrRodgers

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Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

Your OP here is a bit more specific but young lady, it's not about being skinny, it's about...being healthy. Take care of yourself first girl.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 4:50:09 PM

twoholewonder

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/29/2014
Status: offline

There are studies that have been done that show that comfort eating releases endorphins into the system the same way that hitting subspace does. It's the same sort of chemical reaction in the body and gives the same sorts of results. It's a slippery dangerous slope because if you are not careful and don't recognize the signs, you end up eating the wrong things and instead of feeling better, you feel worse.

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Blessed are the cracked, for they will let in the light.

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Post #: 15

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/26/2014 6:04:38 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

If you don't like what you see in the mirror, don't get mad at the mirror, change the reflection.
Also, being with someone who calls you fat, or ugly is a sign of their insecurity, not yours.
But, with that said you should ask yourself, do YOU like what you see in the mirror..
either way, you need to be happy with yourself, with or without people's judgement.
You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.
Personally, I would rather be single, fat and happy, then be with someone who disrespects the light that shines in me.

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to ivone57)

Post #: 16

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/27/2014 12:45:56 PM

ClassAct2006

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Joined: 4/12/2006
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At your height you should be about 126 pounds or so. Over 190 is probably a little large but it's entirely up to you and your man as to what you both find attractive on you.

Probably best to start by losing 60 pounds.

If he overweight? If so he has no cause to complain. Couples tend to be similar weights as they eat the same large meals together or spend their evenings cycling before returning to their keto or paleo delicious foods.

(in reply to candisa)

Post #: 17

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/27/2014 1:24:24 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I'd lose the weight.

Then I'd ask myself whether I want to be with someone who doesn't support me.

Perfect ^. Though I think personally I'd reverse the order.

I second Spiritedsub2

To the OP....I met many folks who moaned about my weight and needless to say, we did not get together...Now I am living with my partner since 1.5 years and not once did he complain about my weight (despite that I have been at my worst weight ever when we met, with 251.5lbs at a hight of 5ft 6...)

Now this year I lost 23 lbs so far and will lose a lot more during the next 3 weeks as I am taking part on a particular diet regime for 4 weeks from my gym, which is very effective...

So now with having the weight of 227lbs he enjoys to see how my body changes....

I don't do it for him....I do it for me....but I am also only able to do so as a) I have no pressure from him in any way or shape....and b) I found the right path for me to succeed with it...

I would not be with someone who criticises my weight...after all....more than enough folks (whose business it isnt at all) do so at some times in daily life....why would I want them in my happy private life?

I deserve better than that and started some years ago to get rid of folks who are not good to be in my life (with exception of my family as I can't get rid of them properly) and also of folks who are only in my life as I dare to call them sometimes....

Nope, some years I decided I deserve better than that and got very picky whom I surrounded with and whom not.

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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Post #: 18

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/27/2014 7:09:31 PM

ivone57

Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

thank you all for the words of encouragement .... your awesome all of you...

yes i have joined the gym here in town... but i need to do this for me and not for him....

thank you again...

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ivone

Property of WhipHer

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Post #: 19

RE: feeling unwanted and ugly - 5/28/2014 7:16:08 AM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
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The only advice I can give you is, 'eat to live, not live to eat'. I've had a weight problem all my life. In my younger days, I was able to use it to my advantage (football, bouncer, etc), but as age and injuries began to add up, I started packing it on. Forget the fad diets, all you have to do is eat less than you expend during the day. Don't focus on the calorie count of foods, but on the energy expended in activities. And you can be both fit and fat at the same time. When I was in the Army, I had a commander who was as roly-poly as they come, yet he could totally smoke the lean & mean a-holes during PT because under the chub was real muscle. I think he enjoyed fucking with ARCOM whenever they brought out the pinchers to gauge fat content.

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Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

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Post #: 20

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