RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word?

RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (Full Version)

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RedMagic1 -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 7:29:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo I've come across a lot of negativity/intolerance towards being monogamous in the BDSM community. While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality. I've had my need for a monogamous relationship be referred to as "not being submissive", "being selfish" and my personal favorite "insisting on monogamy is topping from the bottom." I had someone after the start of pursuing a relationship switch up his tune once he felt I was invested and tell me that he expected me to be fine with him having multiple subs. Maybe it is me, but I just don't have it in me nor do I desire to share my partner. I know this limits the already smaller pool of potentials that are viable options for me because I'm not vanilla but I'd rather not have to settle in order to settle down. As someone who is drawn to certain more classic relationship aspects like traditional gender roles I've often felt almost not kinky/open enough for those into Ds and being not happy and unfulfilled in a vanilla relationship. Has anyone else experienced similar issues? Any guidance? Thank you. You might be surprised how insignificant some morals can become when there is something serious at stake. My brother was ill for years before he died, and his wife was by far his primary caregiver. He was sexually dysfunctional for a long time, and it was easy to see how hard this was on her. My brother's best friend and I flat out told his wife, "You need to find an occasional sex partner." This was something neither of thought we'd ever suggest, and it was a suggestion that shocked her, but one that she realized she had to consider. As things turned out, my brother passed away soon after, so she never took us up on it. But the emotional mathematics were clear to me: she needed to be a "bad girl" in a small way, in order to be able to maintain strength to be a "good girl" in a much bigger, far more important way. Regarding your profile composition, if you're looking only for a hetero man to be in a monogamous relationship, then I think it's a bad move to classify yourself as bisexual. Sure, your past might include encounters and relationships with women, but as far as your hopeful future goes -- at least in this cyber corner of the web -- you're straight as an arrow. Guys will respond to you differently, and, as you've already noticed, if you're bi, some will immediately "go there" to, "Ah ha! This is a way to get my threesome fantasy fulfilled at last!" As a final comment, as some other people have said, you come off a bit snotty. Maybe that's a defense mechanism because you feel picked on. But there's nothing inherently "casual" about polyamory, just as there's nothing inherently serious about monogamy. And I found your response to BecomingV's unfortunate post weird. Who cares how many degrees you have? They don't mean you're more intelligent, nor more common-sensical. If anything, I've found that business women have great personal skills, while female academics have mindbendingly awful manchoosing skills. So your willingness to go straight to your education, combined with a username that says, "I've been everywhere man," makes me wonder whether you are prioritizing the right things. At the end of the day, finding good people is hard. Best of luck to you.

shiftyw -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 7:52:35 PM)
I was going to say, I have a wayyyyy harder time finding an open/poly situation. In fact, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship. I'm content but if someone I am interested in comes my way, it might be a different story. All in all I would say that Poly/Open relationships get a way "dirtier word" wrap.

Worldtravelerxo -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 8:33:59 PM)
My mentioning my capabilities and education was in direct response to the insuation she made that I am only looking for a man to provide for me. I'm not snobby, and I'm sorry that's how you feel. Re: my username my biggest passion in life (along with cooking) is travel which I've been fortunate to do extensively both recreationally and to volunteer. I'm sorry for your loss and I understand your stance but as a cancer survivor who has been on the other side of things I'm pretty solid in my beliefs.. Each person has the right to live their life as they see fit I am who I am as you are who you are.

catize -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 8:44:08 PM)
Be true to yourself-----and do not put down/complain about others who are true to who they are.

RockaRolla -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 8:55:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy The guy who's with you will want you to be monogamous, but the guys already with someone else will see it as an impediment. You infer polyamorous types aren't "good" people and are into "casual sex" -- so while you don't like being insulted -- your post kind of returns the favor. I don't think listing her personal experiences with other poly people as painting ALL poly types with the same brush. Unless you're saying that the behavior she witnessed is typical and expected of the poly community, which would make you guilty of the inference. To OP: I've witnessed a lot of what you describe. I live in a small town/county where most of my social circle pride themselves in being polyamorous. It's passed off as a more open-minded and liberating kind of relationship, but as soon as they stumble across a monogamous relationship they're quick to make jokes about it. "LOL you caught mono!" I'm in favor of open relationships but don't want to associate myself with the local poly "community" partly for the attitude described above and because the poly types that I know DO treat their relationships like a sexual free for all. Which is all well and good, but also not for me. I'm more interested in finding someone to be my partner first while also open to exploration - NOT always chasing after the new kid on the block. I think this kind of mentality stems from a tendency to think that our (generally speaking for people) ways are right because they work for us. Society preaches that monogamy is the "correct" way because of tradition and a number of factors. People discover non-monogamy and it's just so much better, and if everyone else lived like this we'd all be happier too, right? And as a bonus they get to fuck all the cute girls that would otherwise be off-limits. Which, by the way, is the other reason why so many are invested in turning others poly.

Worldtravelerxo -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 9:14:13 PM)
" You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Nietzsche

LookieNoNookie -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 9:22:14 PM)
August 17, 1997. (By the way....great cleavage).

BecomingV -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 10:28:36 PM)
Did I miss the part where this guy posted saying he lied, or deliberately misled the OP? Or is the first paragraph of the quote speculation? I am a Switch, but I began as a submissive. When I explored my Domme side, my ex-Dom said there was no way he would ever believe that I am not a submissive to the core. I know why he believes that. I also know why a submissive can't envision me as a submissive, because in that relationship, I was Domme. I had read about switches and read their posts, but it wasn't until after I explored both sides, that I understood I'm actually, a Switch. At any point along that road, I would not have been lying about my role, but I did change. I was as surprised as anyone at the discoveries. I've seen others change, too. So, maybe that is why suspecting someone of deliberate harm is not my first reaction. Plus, before I posted I read the thread and the OP's response posts reflect an ego that is stifling. She was offended by nothing more than a differing view. That makes me wonder if the OP's listening skills may have gotten in the way of communication. I get the "I'm onto you" stance. When I was little, "they" taught us to be on the lookout for ways in which boys take advantage of girls. Aren't we past that yet? DesFip, maybe you are right and he did her wrong. Or, maybe they rushed in too soon? Hmmm? And, while we can't take the hurt away, we can help her prevent repeating it by focusing on where she has power to make changes. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Sorry, BV, but some dude saying he's monogamous and two months later insisting he's poly isn't just coming to a realization. He deliberately lied to get her to commit, figuring he could guilt trip her into this. Fact is, there are a lot more monogamous couples than poly people. But most of us play at home privately. You get a lot more guys who aren't what I would call poly, but just want to fuck anything they can catch who are consistently chasing women because they can't get any woman to commit to them with that attitude. Or they're already married and lying about it, using the poly label to cheat. More important op is that if these are the only guys you're talking to and meeting, that says your people picking skills need improvement. Don't respond to all emails, only to those you feel you have some compatibility with. If your gut feelings are that some guy isn't right, you don't owe him an answer. No response is a response. And you don't get guys coming back saying you're not a real sub unless you turn them down. Online rejection makes a lot of guys channel their inner 8 year old, flinging any insult that comes to mind.

RockaRolla -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/29/2014 11:48:43 PM)
Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it? Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them.

RedMagic1 -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 12:45:08 AM)
I dunno, RockaRolla. I grant you that BecomingV has a hair up her ass. But damn. Every single sentence the OP has written includes some version of, "I'm smart," or, "I'm moral." That isn't how most people talk.

DaddySatyr -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 1:46:57 AM)
Well, I was one of the people who advised that she stick to her guns and not settle but, I also pointed out that ... quote: While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality. ... isn't exactly borrowing a page from Carnegie. I have found that frequently, when someone posts about their reason for being against polyamory, they seem to do so while trying to ascend to some moral high ground. The snip I pulled from the OP certainly seems to be doing the same. All-in-all, I think the OP got some decent advice; both positive and cautionary. quote: ORIGINAL: RockaRolla Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it? Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them. Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

Worldtravelerxo -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 4:35:19 AM)
Actually, if anything I've kind of always joked for someone who is open minded about sexuality/preference/lifestyle in general I'm kind of conservative in my own choices. Aka I'm a submissive kinky prude. And just for the record: in the incident I specifically recalled he blatantly lied to me on multiple occasions about his relationship status. Following discovery of him dropping that bomb when I let him know that I was not interested he sent me texts and emails telling me how I was a bad submissive, how it was closed minded that I lost interested after discovery of such fact, and how vanilla people only can't handle these things. He used my lack of experience as the reason why I was being "stubborn". Take lifestyle and sexuality out of it all... A different example Say someone is vegan, I'm an omnivore. I insist you need to eat meat and animal products in general they're good and I feel you're missing out. I say it's closed minded and elitist of you as you're limiting yourself to not experience things. You say eating meat goes against your personal beliefs but you don't judge others for eating it it's just not for you. Are you wrong? No, it's your life and lifestyle which isn't impeding on my rights or happiness. RockaRolla - You're a gem thank you! Namaste (Edit for iPhone autocorrect issues)

angelikaJ -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 4:57:47 AM)
I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself.

DaddySatyr -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:04:02 AM)
I would think you would find that homosexuals and people that want the ability to have abortions might feel differently (amongst others). Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

angelikaJ -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:11:26 AM)
I know there are women, who while they wouldn't personally have an abortion, still believe in a woman's right to choose. That is analogous to what I am saying.

DaddySatyr -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:19:40 AM)
So ... They became more tolerant of behavior they had determined they found unacceptable for themselves? That sounds more antithetical than analogous to your statement of: quote: I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself. Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

Worldtravelerxo -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:21:44 AM)
No she's saying while it isn't their personal choice, they believe people have that right. Like while it is my right and choice to be monogamous, I believe people can choose an alternative.

DaddySatyr -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:38:15 AM)
No. What angelikaJ "*said* " was: quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself. I just remarked that in today's society, a stance of not needing to become more tolerant didn't seem congruous. I just happen to think that people, being people, tolerance is the call of the day, as long as it's something with which they agree or that which is "politically correct". Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

chatterbox24 -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 5:45:17 AM)
Ah hello. So what if she is proud of her education? I dont see her judging, I see her saying, hey I am monogamous! That is her desire. What I do see is a bteeny weeny judging toward her stance. Wow and people talk about blind sides? Ahhh ha thats super funny. my humble advice is pick the sex you prefer, leave out past experiences of bi etc. Until further into the relationship. Or never you might find its not necessary. keep your chin up, chest out, and stand tall in your desires even if you do want taken care of. So what? Sounds like you are educated and have the ability to take care of yourself if things were to go south. Always keep a nest egg! ALWAYS! Lets speak the truth too, ahhh some people truly are morally superior then others. Oh ouch. not saying I am one of them but yep thatts true. I hope you find a special relationship. Keep moving forward.

FieryOpal -> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? (5/30/2014 10:51:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RockaRolla Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it? Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them. There are preferences and there are orientations. Some are more flexible than others, so I'm glad you went there, RockaRolla, because my experience with non-monos has been the same. They can be my friends, but that's the zone where they will stay relegated to. Further, how can I "own" a submissive who is not mine wholly to own? There are Dominants who can time-share, but not me. I KNOW I'm not wired that way. Others are wired differently. I don't even want a guy who is still holding a torch for a former love, on the rebound, or still separated due to unresolved intimacy issues. As for orientations, those can be subject to change, but a Dominant will usually choose to remain a Dominant, and a submissive will usually choose to remain submissive. If they don't, then that's fine also. To each his/her own. It's a slippery slope once you get into hetero and non-hetero orientations. Best to leave those alone without trying to "convert" others to (plural) your way of thinking because everybody has to come to terms with their gender preferences in their own time and according to their private inner needs. OP, I noticed you updated your profile. I refrained from commenting on the "bi" disclosure because you weren't actively seeking anyone other than a Dominant man. It could have contributed to a slight misunderstanding (wishful thinking?) but doesn't detract from how you were treated because those types of men would act accordingly with any submissive female. An aside for RedMagic -- my cousin went through a similar situation as your sister-in-law did. She's a Domme, so those in her inner circle wouldn't have thought anything of her taking on a sex slave, bullslave, or just plain stud, while she struggled with her mate's ED. She tried all sorts of things to get around it, and I probably would have, too. Out of loyalty, she chose to remain faithful; but if she hadn't, nobody would have judged her unfairly those many years. [Edited typo]

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