Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 7:29:56 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
I've come across a lot of negativity/intolerance towards being monogamous in the BDSM community. While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality. I've had my need for a monogamous relationship be referred to as "not being submissive", "being selfish" and my personal favorite "insisting on monogamy is topping from the bottom." I had someone after the start of pursuing a relationship switch up his tune once he felt I was invested and tell me that he expected me to be fine with him having multiple subs. Maybe it is me, but I just don't have it in me nor do I desire to share my partner. I know this limits the already smaller pool of potentials that are viable options for me because I'm not vanilla but I'd rather not have to settle in order to settle down. As someone who is drawn to certain more classic relationship aspects like traditional gender roles I've often felt almost not kinky/open enough for those into Ds and being not happy and unfulfilled in a vanilla relationship. Has anyone else experienced similar issues? Any guidance? Thank you.

You might be surprised how insignificant some morals can become when there is something serious at stake. My brother was ill for years before he died, and his wife was by far his primary caregiver. He was sexually dysfunctional for a long time, and it was easy to see how hard this was on her. My brother's best friend and I flat out told his wife, "You need to find an occasional sex partner." This was something neither of thought we'd ever suggest, and it was a suggestion that shocked her, but one that she realized she had to consider. As things turned out, my brother passed away soon after, so she never took us up on it. But the emotional mathematics were clear to me: she needed to be a "bad girl" in a small way, in order to be able to maintain strength to be a "good girl" in a much bigger, far more important way.

Regarding your profile composition, if you're looking only for a hetero man to be in a monogamous relationship, then I think it's a bad move to classify yourself as bisexual. Sure, your past might include encounters and relationships with women, but as far as your hopeful future goes -- at least in this cyber corner of the web -- you're straight as an arrow. Guys will respond to you differently, and, as you've already noticed, if you're bi, some will immediately "go there" to, "Ah ha! This is a way to get my threesome fantasy fulfilled at last!"

As a final comment, as some other people have said, you come off a bit snotty. Maybe that's a defense mechanism because you feel picked on. But there's nothing inherently "casual" about polyamory, just as there's nothing inherently serious about monogamy. And I found your response to BecomingV's unfortunate post weird. Who cares how many degrees you have? They don't mean you're more intelligent, nor more common-sensical. If anything, I've found that business women have great personal skills, while female academics have mindbendingly awful manchoosing skills. So your willingness to go straight to your education, combined with a username that says, "I've been everywhere man," makes me wonder whether you are prioritizing the right things.

At the end of the day, finding good people is hard. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Worldtravelerxo)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 7:52:35 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I was going to say, I have a wayyyyy harder time finding an open/poly situation.
In fact, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship. I'm content but if someone I am interested in comes my way, it might be a different story.

All in all I would say that Poly/Open relationships get a way "dirtier word" wrap.

(in reply to BecomingV)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 8:33:59 PM   
Worldtravelerxo


Posts: 79
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		My mentioning my capabilities and education was in direct response to the insuation she made that I am only looking for a man to provide for me. I'm not snobby, and I'm sorry that's how you feel. Re: my username my biggest passion in life (along with cooking) is travel which I've been fortunate to do extensively both recreationally and to volunteer.

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand your stance but as a cancer survivor who has been on the other side of things I'm pretty solid in my beliefs.. Each person has the right to live their life as they see fit I am who I am as you are who you are.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 8:44:08 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Be true to yourself-----and do not put down/complain about others who are true to who they are.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Worldtravelerxo)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 8:55:54 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


The guy who's with you will want you to be monogamous, but the guys already with someone else will see it as an impediment.

You infer polyamorous types aren't "good" people and are into "casual sex" -- so while you don't like being insulted -- your post kind of returns the favor.

I don't think listing her personal experiences with other poly people as painting ALL poly types with the same brush. Unless you're saying that the behavior she witnessed is typical and expected of the poly community, which would make you guilty of the inference.

To OP: I've witnessed a lot of what you describe. I live in a small town/county where most of my social circle pride themselves in being polyamorous. It's passed off as a more open-minded and liberating kind of relationship, but as soon as they stumble across a monogamous relationship they're quick to make jokes about it. "LOL you caught mono!"

I'm in favor of open relationships but don't want to associate myself with the local poly "community" partly for the attitude described above and because the poly types that I know DO treat their relationships like a sexual free for all. Which is all well and good, but also not for me. I'm more interested in finding someone to be my partner first while also open to exploration - NOT always chasing after the new kid on the block.

I think this kind of mentality stems from a tendency to think that our (generally speaking for people) ways are right because they work for us. Society preaches that monogamy is the "correct" way because of tradition and a number of factors. People discover non-monogamy and it's just so much better, and if everyone else lived like this we'd all be happier too, right? And as a bonus they get to fuck all the cute girls that would otherwise be off-limits. Which, by the way, is the other reason why so many are invested in turning others poly.

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 9:14:13 PM   
Worldtravelerxo


Posts: 79
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		" You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to RockaRolla)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 9:22:14 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		August 17, 1997.

(By the way....great cleavage).

(in reply to Worldtravelerxo)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 10:28:36 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline 		Did I miss the part where this guy posted saying he lied, or deliberately misled the OP? Or is the first paragraph of the quote speculation?

I am a Switch, but I began as a submissive. When I explored my Domme side, my ex-Dom said there was no way he would ever believe that I am not a submissive to the core. I know why he believes that. I also know why a submissive can't envision me as a submissive, because in that relationship, I was Domme. I had read about switches and read their posts, but it wasn't until after I explored both sides, that I understood I'm actually, a Switch.

At any point along that road, I would not have been lying about my role, but I did change. I was as surprised as anyone at the discoveries. I've seen others change, too. So, maybe that is why suspecting someone of deliberate harm is not my first reaction.

Plus, before I posted I read the thread and the OP's response posts reflect an ego that is stifling. She was offended by nothing more than a differing view. That makes me wonder if the OP's listening skills may have gotten in the way of communication.

I get the "I'm onto you" stance. When I was little, "they" taught us to be on the lookout for ways in which boys take advantage of girls. Aren't we past that yet?

DesFip, maybe you are right and he did her wrong. Or, maybe they rushed in too soon? Hmmm? And, while we can't take the hurt away, we can help her prevent repeating it by focusing on where she has power to make changes.
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Sorry, BV, but some dude saying he's monogamous and two months later insisting he's poly isn't just coming to a realization. He deliberately lied to get her to commit, figuring he could guilt trip her into this.

Fact is, there are a lot more monogamous couples than poly people. But most of us play at home privately. You get a lot more guys who aren't what I would call poly, but just want to fuck anything they can catch who are consistently chasing women because they can't get any woman to commit to them with that attitude. Or they're already married and lying about it, using the poly label to cheat.

More important op is that if these are the only guys you're talking to and meeting, that says your people picking skills need improvement. Don't respond to all emails, only to those you feel you have some compatibility with. If your gut feelings are that some guy isn't right, you don't owe him an answer.

No response is a response. And you don't get guys coming back saying you're not a real sub unless you turn them down. Online rejection makes a lot of guys channel their inner 8 year old, flinging any insult that comes to mind.


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/29/2014 11:48:43 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it?

Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them.

(in reply to BecomingV)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 12:45:08 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I dunno, RockaRolla. I grant you that BecomingV has a hair up her ass. But damn. Every single sentence the OP has written includes some version of, "I'm smart," or, "I'm moral." That isn't how most people talk.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to RockaRolla)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 1:46:57 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
Well, I was one of the people who advised that she stick to her guns and not settle but, I also pointed out that ...

quote:


While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality.


... isn't exactly borrowing a page from Carnegie.

I have found that frequently, when someone posts about their reason for being against polyamory, they seem to do so while trying to ascend to some moral high ground. The snip I pulled from the OP certainly seems to be doing the same.

All-in-all, I think the OP got some decent advice; both positive and cautionary.







quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it?

Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them.






Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to RockaRolla)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 4:35:19 AM   
Worldtravelerxo


Posts: 79
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		Actually, if anything I've kind of always joked for someone who is open minded about sexuality/preference/lifestyle in general I'm kind of conservative in my own choices. Aka I'm a submissive kinky prude.

And just for the record: in the incident I specifically recalled he blatantly lied to me on multiple occasions about his relationship status. Following discovery of him dropping that bomb when I let him know that I was not interested he sent me texts and emails telling me how I was a bad submissive, how it was closed minded that I lost interested after discovery of such fact, and how vanilla people only can't handle these things. He used my lack of experience as the reason why I was being "stubborn".

Take lifestyle and sexuality out of it all... A different example
Say someone is vegan, I'm an omnivore. I insist you need to eat meat and animal products in general they're good and I feel you're missing out. I say it's closed minded and elitist of you as you're limiting yourself to not experience things. You say eating meat goes against your personal beliefs but you don't judge others for eating it it's just not for you. Are you wrong? No, it's your life and lifestyle which isn't impeding on my rights or happiness.

RockaRolla - You're a gem thank you!

Namaste

(Edit for iPhone autocorrect issues)

< Message edited by Worldtravelerxo -- 5/30/2014 4:38:52 AM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 4:57:47 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself.




_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to BecomingV)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:04:02 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
I would think you would find that homosexuals and people that want the ability to have abortions might feel differently (amongst others).







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:11:26 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I know there are women, who while they wouldn't personally have an abortion, still believe in a woman's right to choose.
That is analogous to what I am saying.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:19:40 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
So ... They became more tolerant of behavior they had determined they found unacceptable for themselves?

That sounds more antithetical than analogous to your statement of:

quote:


I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself.










Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:21:44 AM   
Worldtravelerxo


Posts: 79
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		No she's saying while it isn't their personal choice, they believe people have that right.

Like while it is my right and choice to be monogamous, I believe people can choose an alternative.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:38:15 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
No. What angelikaJ "said " was:

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
I just don't think it is necessary to become more tolerant of behavior one has determined one finds unacceptable for oneself.



I just remarked that in today's society, a stance of not needing to become more tolerant didn't seem congruous. I just happen to think that people, being people, tolerance is the call of the day, as long as it's something with which they agree or that which is "politically correct".







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Worldtravelerxo)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 5:45:17 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Ah hello. So what if she is proud of her education?
I dont see her judging, I see her saying, hey I am monogamous! That is her desire. What I do see is a bteeny weeny judging toward her stance. Wow and people talk about blind sides? Ahhh ha thats super funny.
my humble advice is pick the sex you prefer, leave out past experiences of bi etc. Until further into the relationship. Or never you might find its not necessary.
keep your chin up, chest out, and stand tall in your desires even if you do want taken care of. So what? Sounds like you are educated and have the ability to take care of yourself if things were to go south. Always keep a nest egg! ALWAYS!
Lets speak the truth too, ahhh some people truly are morally superior then others. Oh ouch.
not saying I am one of them but yep thatts true.
I hope you find a special relationship. Keep moving forward.

(in reply to Worldtravelerxo)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 5/30/2014 10:51:38 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Or perhaps the OP is offended by the amount of animosity she's received for sticking to her monogamous guns, and further animosity on this board for talking about it?

Seriously, she posts that she's not the polyamorous type and the very first response attacks her for looking down on the poly crowd. Every time I've seen a monogamous person here or on Fet insist that they will remain monogamous, and could not be polyamorous because it's not who they are, there are poly folks who get up in arms it. They do the same thing they accuse monogamous society of doing to them.

There are preferences and there are orientations. Some are more flexible than others, so I'm glad you went there, RockaRolla, because my experience with non-monos has been the same. They can be my friends, but that's the zone where they will stay relegated to. Further, how can I "own" a submissive who is not mine wholly to own? There are Dominants who can time-share, but not me. I KNOW I'm not wired that way. Others are wired differently. I don't even want a guy who is still holding a torch for a former love, on the rebound, or still separated due to unresolved intimacy issues.

As for orientations, those can be subject to change, but a Dominant will usually choose to remain a Dominant, and a submissive will usually choose to remain submissive. If they don't, then that's fine also. To each his/her own. It's a slippery slope once you get into hetero and non-hetero orientations. Best to leave those alone without trying to "convert" others to (plural) your way of thinking because everybody has to come to terms with their gender preferences in their own time and according to their private inner needs.

OP, I noticed you updated your profile. I refrained from commenting on the "bi" disclosure because you weren't actively seeking anyone other than a Dominant man. It could have contributed to a slight misunderstanding (wishful thinking?) but doesn't detract from how you were treated because those types of men would act accordingly with any submissive female.

An aside for RedMagic -- my cousin went through a similar situation as your sister-in-law did. She's a Domme, so those in her inner circle wouldn't have thought anything of her taking on a sex slave, bullslave, or just plain stud, while she struggled with her mate's ED. She tried all sorts of things to get around it, and I probably would have, too. Out of loyalty, she chose to remain faithful; but if she hadn't, nobody would have judged her unfairly those many years.

[Edited typo]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 5/30/2014 11:03:02 AM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to RockaRolla)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125