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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 10:25:50 AM   
GotSteel


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
For the record the super NEGATIVE and dare I say Rape-positive Boston scene is why I'm searching here.


:S Oh dear, where have you been hanging out in Boston?

My girl and I have been monogamous for the last 6 years and have some familiarity with the Boston scene and haven't experienced what you're talking about.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 11:17:52 AM   
Bhruic


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo

I've come across a lot of negativity/intolerance towards being monogamous in the BDSM community.


I suspect there are quite a lot of monogamous couples involved in BDSM... But since they are not looking for others to play with, they may see no need to be here, or in the BDSM "community" at large.

If you find yourself with someone who isn't in to monogamy, you'll naturally find them apparently antagonistic to the idea of it. But I cannot imagine why anyone would be antagonistic towards a happily monogamous BDSM couple.

Monogamy is technically part of their kink then, and we should all reserve judgement on the kinks of others.

The world is full of dishonest people that will misrepresent themselves to get what they want. Its also filled with people who don't know what they want until they begin exploring it. If I were you, I would just be clear from the start that monogamy is part of your kink, and they can take it, or leave it.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 11:29:26 AM   
Bhruic


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quote:

ORIGINAL: eliseobeys

Ive experienced the exact type of switch a roo myself only in reverse several times. The other partner hinting they would love to include others etc only to withdraw later.



Couldn't agree more. I think that is far more common.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 11:36:33 AM   
Bhruic


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


found that frequently, when someone posts about their reason for being against polyamory, they seem to do so while trying to ascend to some moral high ground.




I'm outraged that you would accuse a monogamous Catholic of inhabiting some moral high ground!!!

Jokes aside... I like the OP, and don't disagree with her point, regardless of how she made it.

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 6/3/2014 11:37:25 AM >

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 12:44:09 PM   
RockaRolla


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From: South Florida
Status: offline 		I find it hilarious that the same people who advocate the "just ignore 'em" approach to aggressive emails from the other side become outraged at even the hint of someone putting down their lifestyle.

I suppose being against monogamy really isn't as evil and close-minded as being opposed to polyamory.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/3/2014 1:11:44 PM   
Spiritedsub2


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Humans are judgmental. To differing degrees maybe, and we differ in how honest or open we are about our judgments, but we're all judgmental. I've found with age that I give not a rat's ass about how other people judge me, with the occasional exception of people I respect and/or care about. And I'm highly judgmental about polyamory and don't expect poly people to care about that.

It does seem to me that the degree of outrage we feel about judgments of some aspect of ourselves or our practices is directly proportional to the degree we are insecure or shaky about the trait or behavior. If I overreact to a judgment, it's a call to examine that for myself.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/4/2014 9:37:40 AM   
Bhruic


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Status: offline 		If that is actually a reply to my post, I was joking about the outrage... I thought obviously.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/4/2014 8:31:27 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo

My mentioning my capabilities and education was in direct response to the insuation she made that I am only looking for a man to provide for me. I'm not snobby, and I'm sorry that's how you feel.


When I said, "it's not all about you" ^^^ that is one example of what I mean. No, I did not insinuate that you are seeking a provider. Conversely, I specifically wrote that you seek "a monogamous, 1950's style, D/s, long-term relationship." These posts last forever, and many read without posting, ever. As a person who opened her door for 30 years for abuse shelter overflow, and in recent years, to abandoned submissives and slaves... I do see a need for informed choices regarding financial security. I am an experienced, older woman who sees where the road ends IF responsible actions are not taken along with the fantasy. The people who do that... last and enjoy mutual, lasting love.

BTW, I've only ever been monogamous. However, when I entered the local BDSM community, I listened more than talked. I learned. The poly people did things like this: left work to help an abandoned slave who lost her job, went home, and lost her Dom. They helped her find housing - first call was me and then they helped her with medicine, clothes and finding a job. They rallied around a cancer-stricken person who was not in a relationship and didn't have family. They set up a schedule to ensure she wasn't alone in the hospital for her surgery and then visited her home afterwards. They drive new people to a first munch so they don't enter alone. My list of why I respect poly people goes on and on.

The"good girl" label is just fine, but when used in superior CONTRAST to poly women... that just reeks of superficiality, ignorance and mean-spiritedness. Slut-shaming doesn't belong anywhere, no matter how delicately it's presented.

My protectiveness of poly people and of women, in general, is not the same as hostility towards a person. This mis-perception, on the OP's part, confirms my initial reaction... that the OP came here whining about a lack of support for monogamy - which I have never seen or heard, when what really happened was a lack of support for disrespect for different community members.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/4/2014 8:42:47 PM   
BecomingV


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She got hassled because she said anyone who is poly is casual and amoral. And that's pretty nasty.

But I've been here 7 or 8 years, totally mono, won't even play nonsexually with others, and no one's ever attacked me for it.

No, she stated her reasons for being monogamous. Doesn't make the opposite true.

Good for you. I'm sure that'll work out great until a poly-type wants to fuck you or your partner.


Exactly, DesFIP! I experienced the same. And, I've been around long enough to have seen people claim their kink is not supported, when it's really a personality problem, specific to them.

RockaRolla - let's look at this:

"until a poly type wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a gay person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a white person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a black person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a young person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until an old person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a married person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a rich person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until anyone else wants to fuck you or your partner"


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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/4/2014 10:06:34 PM   
DaddySatyr


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

I'm outraged that you would accuse a monogamous Catholic of inhabiting some moral high ground!!!

Jokes aside... I like the OP, and don't disagree with her point, regardless of how she made it.




I appreciate your sense of humor. I've enjoyed it on quite a few threads, here.

I would like to ask you, though: can you not see that someone that even unwittingly puts out negativity toward others might receive some directed back at them?

While her statement that I quoted wasn't out-and-out disrespectful attack, it certainly did give an impression of a less than tolerant view of people that don't profess or practice monamory/monogamy.

Example: "While I would never judge anyone for smoking cigars, it just isn't for me. I've always been a responsible person, and I'm not casual about damaging other peoples' health."

Have I not just implied that people that smoke cigars are irresponsible and don't care about making other people sick?

I honestly pointed this out in an effort to help try to alleviate the OP's experience with negativity received.







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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/4/2014 10:14:46 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


Cool, no worries.

When men can't have you, they will tend to be insulting. Please don't internalize it.


Welcome to Misogyny 101

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 6:23:24 AM   
Bhruic


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From: Toronto, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

I'm outraged that you would accuse a monogamous Catholic of inhabiting some moral high ground!!!

Jokes aside... I like the OP, and don't disagree with her point, regardless of how she made it.




I appreciate your sense of humor. I've enjoyed it on quite a few threads, here.

I would like to ask you, though: can you not see that someone that even unwittingly puts out negativity toward others might receive some directed back at them?

While her statement that I quoted wasn't out-and-out disrespectful attack, it certainly did give an impression of a less than tolerant view of people that don't profess or practice monamory/monogamy.

Example: "While I would never judge anyone for smoking cigars, it just isn't for me. I've always been a responsible person, and I'm not casual about damaging other peoples' health."

Have I not just implied that people that smoke cigars are irresponsible and don't care about making other people sick?

I honestly pointed this out in an effort to help try to alleviate the OP's experience with negativity received.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?


Firstly...Thanks :)

Secondly... I don't disagree at all with the issues people have raised in taking offense at her implied judgement of poly people... I just wasn't personally offended by it, and accepted her comment (true or not) that she didn't mean for it to sound that way.

Her position about BDSM and monogamy is a valid one and worthy of discussion, and should not (for too long I think) be overshadowed by some poor choice of words. The issue remains valid whether she was the architect of her own experience or not.

If she does feel a moral superiority over poly people, as a religious person, she is not likely to ever abandon it. Nevertheless... I think your advice and the advice of others is well made.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 9:43:26 AM   
DaddySatyr


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I would tend to agree with your assessment ...

quote:

Her position about BDSM and monogamy is a valid one and worthy of discussion, and should not (for too long I think) be overshadowed by some poor choice of words.


... if this thread were about monogamy/monamory and BDSM but the OP's very first sentence is:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
I've come across a lot of negativity/intolerance towards being monogamous in the BDSM community.


So, a statement that she's experiencing negativity, right up front. Then, we have:



quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality.


... in the very next sentence.

As far as I'm concerned; problem exposed. Problem solved.

Now, in a discussion about monogamy/monamory and BDSM; I think the vast majority of relationships are probably monogamous/monamorous because by "definition", submissives "belong " to their dominants and dominants (by-and-large) tend to exercise their rights and not like to share their toys.





Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 11:02:56 AM   
Worldtravelerxo


Posts: 79
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		For the record:
* I am not religious, I merely mentioned I was raised catholic and attended catholic school. I am not a practicing catholic.

* You can twist my intentions as much as you want, but there was no malicious intent or intolerance towards poly people. I know and have friends that are poly. I was merely expressing my frustration with the lack of tolerance I've personally experienced with my lifestyle choice. Which yes, I've experienced a fair amount of.

* I think this post and topic has been beaten to death at this point.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 12:55:49 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BecomingV


quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She got hassled because she said anyone who is poly is casual and amoral. And that's pretty nasty.

But I've been here 7 or 8 years, totally mono, won't even play nonsexually with others, and no one's ever attacked me for it.

No, she stated her reasons for being monogamous. Doesn't make the opposite true.

Good for you. I'm sure that'll work out great until a poly-type wants to fuck you or your partner.


Exactly, DesFIP! I experienced the same. And, I've been around long enough to have seen people claim their kink is not supported, when it's really a personality problem, specific to them.

RockaRolla - let's look at this:

"until a poly type wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a gay person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a white person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a black person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a young person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until an old person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a married person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until a rich person wants to fuck you or your partner"
"until anyone else wants to fuck you or your partner"



Was there a point you were trying to make there?
Because if you're implying that I'm being unfair to poly-types you'll have to try harder.
We're talking about polyamory in this thread. If this were a thread about gay/while/black/green/whatever people I would've used a different descriptor.

ETA: My previous post stands. I'm still baffled at the amount of posts by people bashing the OP over word choice. She has clarified her position numerous times and said that she has nothing against polyamorous people, but still the comments roll in that she's stuck on some moral high horse while at the same time needs to ignore or get over the animosity she's received.

< Message edited by RockaRolla -- 6/5/2014 1:00:18 PM >

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 6:44:36 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
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Status: offline 		FR: I am really quite surprised at the amount of inference in this thread.

The poster who began this thread said poly was against her morals.
She did not say that she believed her morals were superior and has clarified numerous times that she did not mean that.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 6/5/2014 6:46:00 PM >

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/5/2014 9:47:34 PM   
FieryOpal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla
<snip>
ETA: My previous post stands. I'm still baffled at the amount of posts by people bashing the OP over word choice. She has clarified her position numerous times and said that she has nothing against polyamorous people, but still the comments roll in that she's stuck on some moral high horse while at the same time needs to ignore or get over the animosity she's received.

Echoing yours and angelikaJ's sentiments, I am also baffled. On any other thread where a submissive female poster has experienced difficulty on this site with CS (previously CM) members, there is a fair amount of impartial advice, empathy and compassionate responses offered. This thread has been in stark contrast in many respects. If this were about a specific fetish or kink, or if OP were a little and/or student deemed to be naïve and more vulnerable (fragile), or else made a prostrated slavegirl entrance, I believe this would have gone differently. BUT, since OP seems like a strong, capable, intelligent (read sophisticated), attractive grown woman, she hasn't been given the moral support she would otherwise have received by consensus.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/6/2014 12:22:52 AM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		Everyone has different moral views, and I don't judge those who participate in activities that my moral judgement could not handle. Poly is one I considered rather recently, but it violated my moral views. I don't mean to offend anyone who believes otherwise, and I have friends who are poly. It doesn't sit right in my morality, but they're great people and we have a difference of opinion. I respect their partners as I would any single partner.

People however sometimes take one's moral views as a judgement on them. Probably not the wisest move considering our morals vary so wildly.

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/6/2014 2:56:11 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


I would tend to agree with your assessment ...

quote:

Her position about BDSM and monogamy is a valid one and worthy of discussion, and should not (for too long I think) be overshadowed by some poor choice of words.


... if this thread were about monogamy/monamory and BDSM but the OP's very first sentence is:[/color]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
I've come across a lot of negativity/intolerance towards being monogamous in the BDSM community.


So, a statement that she's experiencing negativity, right up front. Then, we have:



quote:

ORIGINAL: Worldtravelerxo
While I would never judge anyone for being polyamorous it just isn't for me. I've always been a little bit of a good girl, and I'm not casual about my sexuality.




As far as I'm concerned; problem exposed. Problem solved.




Yes, the OP was about experiencing negativity towards monogamy in the BDSM community. And the OP asked for people's experience and guidance, which she got. But for a monogamous woman to say she considers herself a "good girl" is not, in my opinion, offensive to anyone. And the word "casual" is not offensive, or even inherently negative... unless you infer the person's attitude in using it, which I think may have been too freely done here.




< Message edited by Bhruic -- 6/6/2014 2:57:11 AM >

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RE: When did monogamy become such a dirty word? - 6/6/2014 4:55:09 AM   
Moderator7


Posts: 346
Status: offline 		Hi and good morning, just stopping by, I am hoping this discussion will get back on track. Enjoy the discussion and your day!

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