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RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 2:32:34 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Good to know. I guess that is one reason why it was still on my mind. I know when I became actively interested in this stuff, my curiosity didn't just suddenly stop. She is a very open-minded and curious person. I think I will guide her at least toward some books, and let her know for certain I am open to future potential quesitons. Thanks, people.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 3:08:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to fyrekittyn)

Post #: 21

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 3:04:29 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I think you handled it very well Susan. If she is computer savy like you say she will probably find this site on her own if she is really interested in bdsm. In fact she may have already read this thread.

This reminds me of a guy who posted on here for a brief time a few years ago. He said his daughter came across his profile on here.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 22

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 3:07:53 PM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

****I was reluctant to post this because of
all the misunderstandings that happen on a forum
with all it's quick-reading, quick-judgement stuff....

but on reflection, I think it's ok as a public piece as well.***

Hi Susan,

I wanted to answer this via email instead of forum, because what I’m going to say could easily be misunderstood as promoting BDSM to a kid, and that’s the farthest thing from what I really meant …

>> I think she might be a budding Domme

I searched out a bunch of your posts, and read them.
You appear to be smart, sensitive, and a good communicator.

Therefore, you can hear me when I suggest that ….
For Jennifer….
You drop the labels and generalizations and roles…
and just think of her as a young woman
who came to you for advice
about a serious sexual matter.

>> Until a few days ago when she asked me, at my sister's BBQ: "Aunt Suzie, is it weird if you want to do things like spank a guy"? I am not sure why she was asking me

Susan, she was asking YOU because she trusts you. That simple.

OK… look at the question….

She clearly DOES want to spank a guy
… almost certainly she has just one in mind (just Jake)
… or she’d have said “guys”.

Also… she fears it’s weird.

>> I am tempted to guide her to this website,

No way!

For many reasons… here’s just a few

too many weirdos
info is too unreliable
she will read profiles, and email people

But the worst is,
Right now, she’s just Jennifer…

And I don’t think it’s a good time for her to start getting ideas about Domme and Sub and all that pre-chewed bullshit roles and scenes crap.

Jennifer should just be herself… whatever that is.

Sites like this form templates and roles
That people then fit themselves into
… and I think that’s very bad.

>>? Is there anything else I should have told her, or be doing for her at this point? or should I just butt out and leave well enough alone, now? Should I guide her to another bdsm website, or books, or just drop it unless she brings it up again? Did I cut her off when I said: "TMI, Jennifer!?"

Yes, you DID cut her off,
just when the conversation made YOU uncomfortable.
I promise you,
she wanted to say more,
and you didn’t let her.

But… maybe that time and place was wrong.

If you care for this young woman,
Call her up and say words to the effect of…

“Jennifer, I’ve thought a lot about that day when you asked me about wanting to spank Jake. I want to get together with you and have a long talk about it… and I mostly want to really listen to what you have to say.”

She will almost certainly want to do that,
unless she’s too embarrassed now.
Press gently to get together.

And when you do….
Don’t tell her a damned thing about bondage websites…
except to say that you have been to many of them yourself…
and that they are unreliable.

She’s already read some… you can be sure of that!

When you talk to her… don’t talk.
Just listen.
Tell her you care about her.
Tell her her thoughts are ok.
And listen some more.
Ask questions… very gently and lovingly.

This young woman thinks her own desires are weird…
and she needs you to respect them… and her.

Don’t give her any advice
Don’t tell her what to do… nothing!

And… once you have opened a dialogue…
keep it open and make sure
you set another time to talk with her again.

Keep listening and loving her and telling her she is ok.

She will ask you what to do.

Don’t tell her.

Just say…
be true to yourself, be careful and safe, and don’t injure anybody.

Tell her you love her,
and that she knows her own heart
better than anybody else.

Tell her she’s not weird or bad.

Tell her NOT to look what other people are doing…
that’s for THEM….

She should just be pure and honest and true to herself.

You do that…
and that’s the best anybody could do
for a woman in this tender place in her life and her loves.

DD

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 23

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 3:11:23 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thank you, Dr. That is very good advice and I will follow it.
And thanks to everyone who answered!

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to DoctorDubious)

Post #: 24

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 3:25:59 PM

DoctorDubious

Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Good to know. I guess that is one reason why it was still on my mind. I know when I became actively interested in this stuff, my curiosity didn't just suddenly stop. She is a very open-minded and curious person. I think I will guide her at least toward some books, and let her know for certain I am open to future potential quesitons. Thanks, people.

- Susan

Susan....

For Gawwds sake, don't reccomend any books to her.

Those are for people in a different place,
people who already know they are on a path,
and want to learn how others have walked it.

Giving her BDSM 101 or The Compleate Paddler,
... both are decent, I own and have readeach carefully...
is a terrible, lousy, lame way to handle a delicate matter.

Those books are instruction manuals...
but the meta-message is..... GET INTO BDSM NOW!

You don't want to do that!

You want her to be herself,
not a pale shadow of
Lady Green's thoughts circa 1996... in 87 pages.

DD

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 25

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 3:29:42 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

You're right, you're right - it seems like "pushing it". What she wants, she needs to want of her own free will. I think I will just have a chat with her and see where it goes from there...and again let her know she is not "weird" (least many people would not think so, probably ? I may well go to another much, soon, even if I haven't been to one in ages- just to see if anyone her age hangs out there.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 3:31:31 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to DoctorDubious)

Post #: 26

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 6:22:52 PM

twicehappy

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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I have to agree with you about guiding her to the internet at so young an age, but i do think you should be very open to discussion with her. I remember when my younger brother came to ask about it. All my family was very aware of my lifestyle choices and i was glad he could come to me for first hand information, instead of some of the wall ill thought out source.

You can best protect her by giving her the knowledge she seeks at the level she is mature enough to handle.

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Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 27

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 7:21:04 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

You handled it fine. Just answer the question.. If she wants to ask you further, then just be honest. You may want to say something like "Well, this is what I know.." and tell her what you know for sure. I would not go so far as giving her a list of websites. I guess I'd ask her WHY she asked such a question.. she may have spanked already :) Then I'd probably give her some pointers :)

I remember when I came out to my oldest brother .. I told him I was into BDSM.. he calmly said "Are you a bottom or a top"? (like he HAD to ask- but then he was a brother and you know how they will irritate the little sister). Seems he'd been a service top for some time :) Damn.. were was the drama..? The SHOCK?! LOL

Lotus

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I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 28

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 7:27:39 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Ha! That is a funny story, Lotus.

I appreciate the answers from everyone. It's been and informative and reassuring thread for me and I appreciate it.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 7:28:03 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 29

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 7:36:28 PM

WhiplashGirlChld

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Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

I like your approach. Some things that strike me about talking to young women about sexuality is:

1. Encouraging them to be responsible decision makers - not just birth control and disease prevention, but all emotional matters too, and importantly about seeking and actually receiving pleasure. So many young women have no idea how to tap into pleasure, and even more so, how to demand it.
2. You have your BDSMdar tuned in - remember, she was probably just asking about "sex". She may have little idea of the whole concept of "BDSM". Don't overwhelm her. Just let her know there are a zillion way to enjoy sexuality - that we change over time in what we life and don't like, and that you will always be there to answer questions.
3. I am always concerned about the very young being involved in BDSM only because, even as a dominant person, I was so much more easily manipulated as a teen. Encourage her to develop good judgement and become a keen judge of character and intention. This will serve her well in life - not just at playtime.

All in all, it seems like you have allowed her to feel comfortable talking to you, and assured her you will not say "that's dirty. Go to confession now." That's the best most of us can hope for from our confidantes.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 30

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/10/2006 7:40:13 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

That is a beautiful answer, Whiplash. Thanks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to WhiplashGirlChld)

Post #: 31

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 11:00:22 AM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Thank you for the reply, CrappyDom. I do wonder sometimes, about that pack of hetero guys she hangs with. She seems to almost exclusively hang with guys. I don't think she's a _lut, or anything like that, she's far too academic and into school and her job, etc, for that - but, then again I am not sure how much (if any) sex she has.

Quick facts: I am 20, and just lost my virginity with the people mentioned in my signature. I hang out with guys all the time, and most of my friends are guys, a couple I scene with often (I'm currently nursing wounds from last night :P). It could very well be about the same thing for her.

As far as the dangers of the internet, those mentioned in my sig were initially found on the internet, granted, on a furry board. However, at her age and in this time, I am sure she at least knows about message boards, myspace (hate that fad), Facebook, chat rooms, AIM and other instant messengers, emails, blogs, and personal websites already. The internet is such a huge hub for communication, when you look right at it, sometimes it is mindboggling. There are always new sites to meet, talk to, and get to know people. Personally I would point her in the right direction towards information, but at least let her know about the dangers that might be lurking over the net. However, being that she is 18, and seems to be a bit mature, for the most part, you could trust her judgement. I highly doubt she would put herself in danger when a red flag shows up. Just be there to let her know what the red flags are, what to look out for. Tell her if she needs to talk about an internet friendship she is having, that you will be there, and listen to what she has to say. Since she was already comfortable enough to come out to you, she will probably be comfortable enough to let you know when things just don't seem right. As far as being hit on, it just hasn't happened enough to me to know how to handle it, for I am, by society's standards, too ugly to gain attention.

Some sites you can point her to that will help her understand what this is all about: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/
http://public.diversity.org.uk/deviant/

These sites are pretty much devoid of photos, but have a rather large wealth of information to pull from, and the first link, I think is the most important which explains why. Why it is that we do what we do, and why it is that we aren't freaks for doing it. I think it would help her gain an insight into herself as it did for me. The last two are more on the practical. How to, and what exactly is this activity. However, please, emphasize to her about safety, her own personal safety and the safety of her subs/ bottoms, so that she won't make the mistakes that new dom/mes sometimes make, that pretty much boots them from the community. Once considered dangerous, always considered dangerous, even if the mistake is due to accident.

If you can feel ready to show her this one: http://www.thedomsview.com/ This has a very large wealth of information that is definately geared towards Dominants. However, it does contain photos and fetish art of what it is that we do.

Good luck. I've given you the sites I know helped me most figure out who I was and what I was into in this lifestyle (aside from all the flogging sites :P). I hope someone else can find them as informative as I have.

I agree with Master Fire about letting her know about your fears of being outed. However, if you continue to hold on to them and remain silent, who will she turn to when she needs guidance? Domme she may become, but even then, we need help and direction often as well. Please be there to pick up the pieces.

Again, I wish you luck. I don't know of how deeply your need to preserve your vanilla persona is because I tend to be open about who I am to whoever will listen, but that has always been me.

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(in reply to fyrekittyn)

Post #: 32

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 11:59:12 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
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From: New Hampshire
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Susan, yes, you handled that very well.
You could have added; "Well instead of your hand you might want to use a black leather paddle so it doesn't hurt your hand."
Or maybe, "Good! Beat his ASS!"
I don't know about telling her about this site though, would you really want her (and by extension) your family knowing all the things you've posted in here?
Not a good idea.
If she's interested in the B&D S/M M/s lifestyle she'll find out what she needs to know gradually like all of us have.
Hope that helps!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 33

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 12:30:25 PM

jezabelKH

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These questions are natural, and are to be expected she is in the time frame of her life finding out who and what she is. i had questions like these while growing up, now grant you i grew up in a M/s, poly, BDSM household but was not exposed to "sessions" or "sexual" sides of the BDSM, just the service, respect, honor, liberal choices and poly side. so i asked both my natural mother (alpha slave) and my other mom (beta slave) lots of questions. they would give me an honest answer and always respond be sure and get your Fathers perspective (Master) as well so you know both sides of the fence. you see i was raised with the understanding i could be vanilla, i could be lifestyle, i could be a slave or i could be a Mistress.........but all of those choices had to wait until i was 21.

sincerely,
jezabel{KH}
just simply a slave
Property Of Master Ken

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 34

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 12:50:07 PM

MistressSassy66

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Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Thanks. Yeah, I think she asked me for a reason, too. And I think the worst thing anyone could do is shame her about anything like this - which may be why she asked me (although my sister is pretty cool. My middle sister would have had a cow over this question, but Jennifer's mom (my youngest sister) might have handled it well - but still, it would be her mom, and I am not her mom (which probably make a difference to her, since she is currently living with her parents).

Still, I am glad I got to answer her, and not some predjudiced school counselor or something. Thank you for the encouraging comments, because I felt, after thinking it over, that I might have cut her off. Appreciate it.

I am also the One the kids talk to.I know there are couple(my neice and her bf) into some bondage stuff just from having that hearing thing Moms have.The kids are 18,19,17 years old...old enough in My opinion to start learning about things,real things about life.drugs ,alcohol included.People are different and its okay as long as people dont get hurt when its done the wrong way.Its really important that as their Guidence system We treat them like adults and answer honestly.
I preach no sexual intercourse,oral sex also until married,and most of them listen and dont want to be bogged down when they are still young.Or catch a disease.

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"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 35

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 1:08:12 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Thank you again to everyone who answered. I appreciate the advice and encouragement.

Slipstreme, thanks much for the websites, I will definitely use them
and had forgottent there were so many information sites out there pertaining to bdsm.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 36

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 2:56:28 PM

WayWardSoul

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Joined: 6/13/2006
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Instead of throwing your hand up to ward her off. You should of told her to warm him up slow to start then go until he calls out the safe word. Then if its something she likes come back to talk some more.

WWS

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 37

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 3:00:54 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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caress/smack./ caress.. and occasionally massage the guiche :)

_____________________________

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I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to WayWardSoul)

Post #: 38

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 3:02:54 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

That is not bad advice - I don't have any experience spanking submissive guys, though, so my advice in that area would not have been based on anything like personal experience (but maybe it doesn't ahve to be) .
Thanks for listening and for adding your comments.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to WayWardSoul)

Post #: 39

RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm... - 7/11/2006 3:30:26 PM

WayWardSoul

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The way I see it, she is 18 and at the age where she is going to try and learn things. Do you want her to learn with common sense or meet some moron without any to guide her? Just as long as your there to talk to her you don't need to know every thing. What you don't you can always go find out and get back to her on it.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 40

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