When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented

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SusanofO -> When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 3:24:30 AM)
I am wondering if I should do more than I did in a situation I encountered a few days ago. Any helpful comments are appreciated. I have a niece who is 18 years old, and I think she might be a budding Domme. She's 5'10", and cute, hetero (not that it matters), has a nice figure, and has always been interested in sports. She is very much a "leader" type personality - it's amazing how she can get people to do almost anything she wants them to do for her. She's bossy, but not obnoxious about it; she has a kidding-type of charming personality. She has a pack of hetero guys that follow her around like puppy dogs, it seems, but claims they are "just friends". She dates occasionally, but nothing serious (so far, as far as I know). If one of these guys doesn't want to do something she asks (like when she managed a stage play at school), she says things to them like: "Okay, that's it, you're on my _hit list buddy! See me after rehearsal!" and some of them actually look a little scared. If one of them says something "off color" to her she justs laughs at them , looks them in the eye and says things like: "Right! I know you want me, Jack! Give me a break!", etc. She (her name is Jennifer) is bossy, but in a fun way. I never really thought much about it. Until a few days ago when she asked me, at my sister's BBQ: "Aunt Suzie, is it weird if you want to do things like spank a guy"? I am not sure why she was asking me (although I can picture her mother telling her to ask me - because I "think nothing is weird" and "know about these things"...actually her own mother may well know about "these things", it's just that nobody in my family ever talks about "these things" (I am "the weirdo" because I read about sexual topics - but don't discuss or go into detail; they just know I read about them). I do think these types of questions deserve an answer, so I said (damn the torpedoes): "No. Of course not. Some people are oriented to appreciate that kind of sexual interaction more than others. It doesn't mean you're weird. Don't feel weird". I told her I'd read about it (true) . I saw no need to go into just how much I'd read, or why. Fortunately, she didn't ask. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, and then told me she wanted to spank her friend Jake - at which point I held up my hand in a warding-off-a-vampire type of signal and said: "TMI Jennifer, TMI!" (too much information)! I winked at her and said: "Hope I helped". She laughed at me and walked away. I am tempted to guide her to this website, but frankly, I am her aunt and I do think she is still too young to perhaps be picking up strange men she doesn't know on the internet, or get hit on buy them (she may be doing it anyway, I don't know. And yes, that is a double standard, but - I think she's too young; call me a prude, but she is my niece - and I only have two of them, and no kids of my own). Also, if she signs on as even a guest, she'll know I'm on here (call me a hypocrite, but I can handle her knowing but am not real keen on the idea of this fact getting back to my 72 year old father, somehow. My sexual interests are my own business). But - Q: Did I handle this the right way?** Is there anything else I should have told her, or be doing for her at this point? or should I just butt out and leave well enough alone, now? Should I guide her to another bdsm website, or books, or just drop it unless she brings it up again? Did I cut her off when I said: "TMI, Jennifer!?" - Susan

bandit25 -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 3:49:21 AM)
Susan, if it helps, I prolly would have done the same. I, too, think that serious questions deserve an answer. At the same time, I agree that she's a bit too young. She may, in fact, find the website herself, see your profile and ask you about it. At that point, you can talk to her in more depth if you feel right about it.

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 3:51:58 AM)
Thanks. Yes, she might find this website. I did (I wasn't looking for it, and actually found it by accident). But she would know how to find internet information on bdsm I suppose, if she needed it; she's a personal computer and software whiz.

LTRsubNW -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 3:54:21 AM)
She knows the source (you) are available and rest assured, she asked you for a reason. Absolutely walk softly but be prepared (and nothing else) for more questions. When she's ready, she'll ask. She's lucky to have such a great Aunt. You did exactly the right amount.

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 3:57:16 AM)
Thanks. Yeah, I think she asked me for a reason, too. And I think the worst thing anyone could do is shame her about anything like this - which may be why she asked me (although my sister is pretty cool. My middle sister would have had a cow over this question, but Jennifer's mom (my youngest sister) might have handled it well - but still, it would be her mom, and I am not her mom (which probably make a difference to her, since she is currently living with her parents). Still, I am glad I got to answer her, and not some predjudiced school counselor or something. Thank you for the encouraging comments, because I felt, after thinking it over, that I might have cut her off. Appreciate it.

sublizzie -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 4:07:06 AM)
When my oldest was 20-21 we got into a discussion about BDSM and discovered that we were both interested in it, though she was definitely Domme, not sub. The youngest, now 20, almost 21, came out to me a few weeks ago about being Domme. Do I tell them lots about my interests? NO. Do I ask about their interests? NO. But at the same time I took my youngest to the newbie munch on Saturday and hooked her up with the group that caters to the younger side of the community. I doubt your niece wants to know too much about your interests. My kids have told me they are glad their father and I only had sex twice. More than that would just be Eeeeeeew!

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 4:15:19 AM)
Yes, that's probably true. I certainly was never very interested in what my parents might have been doing in that regard. There are local munches in my area. I haven't been to one in eons - maybe I will go to one agian, and then see if she wants to go to the next one...if she brings this up again? - Susan

thegunslinger -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 5:50:05 AM)
Depends on family relationships I'm guessing, I don't think I could talk to any of my siblings about BDSM, thankfully all of my nieces and nephews are younger than 18.

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 5:56:56 AM)
Thanks for the reply - and the useful (and intelligent, dignified) quote. I am going to use that if I discuss this with her again. - Susan

CrappyDom -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 6:10:54 AM)
Susan, A few words. An 18 year old girl who is pretty rarely lacks for men out of whatever things she is involved in. She has no need to go and find men on the internet or otherwise so don't worry about that part. So many men want kinky sex that at a spanking booth at an erotic ball we ran out of dominant women to spank men, wore out all the submissive women with us and were litterly pulling women out of the crowd to spank them. I would be vastly more worried about her getting pregnant or not practicing safe sex than about her spanking Jake!

iliv2servher -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 6:20:48 AM)
Susan, It seems like the issue here is really whether or not you want to out yourself to her. I think you handled the situation very well considering that it might have caught you offguard. She may, in fact, be one of us, but only time will tell. If you are trying to preserve your vanilla personna, which I think you are, too much information may very well out you to your family. Whether or not you choose to persue this subject with her, just remember that younger people do not have the same hangups regarding taboo subjects as you might have, and she could unintentionally blurt something out about you that you otherwise would not want your family to know.

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 6:22:24 AM)
Thank you for the reply, CrappyDom. I do wonder sometimes, about that pack of hetero guys she hangs with. She seems to almost exclusively hang with guys. I don't think she's a _lut, or anything like that, she's far too academic and into school and her job, etc, for that - but, then again I am not sure how much (if any) sex she has. For one thing, I don't see her all the time, and also I am an adult, and not adept at picking up little "cues" - I have no kids of my own. The sex part actually doesn't worry me as much as the inexperience part, as long as she is having safe sex. I also have hard time picturing her having sex - for the same reasons, maybe, she'd have a hard time picturing me having it.... I know her question was about spanking, not sex, but I can only assume at this age that if someone has their pants off, natural inclinations may follow. They (the guys she hangs with) all seem pretty clean cut, but as we both know, clean cut means nothing in regard to someone's sex drive, or how they might be using it combined w/decent judgment, especially, perhaps, at that age. I am going to ask her if she is on the pill, and using condoms. I am pretty sure my sister has talked to her about this, but I want to make sure. Thanks for the reply. - Susan

ArtimisBlack -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 6:31:07 AM)
Susan, you definitely did the right thing. She is lucky to have an Aunt like you. As for it getting back to your 72 year old father.......you'll just have to trust her discretion on that. When it comes to her getting hit on by strange men, if she is everything you said then (I think) she has plenty of experience in that respect and can probably handle herself nicely. She seems like a girl who knows what she wants and knows better then to just follow the crowd or be talked into something she doesn't really want to do. Just be there for her in the future as you have been in the past. Keep up the good work.

SusanofO -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 6:49:06 AM)
Thank you for the intelligent and helpful replies. It is nice to know - because I don't have kids of my own and also am relatively new to all of this myself. - Susan

enigmabrat -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 7:34:27 AM)
my parenst never had sex me and my siblings were brought by the stork... dont you people know enything ::giggles:: -da enigma-

MasterFireMaam -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 9:55:51 AM)
Try this, "Hey, I looked up some stuff and asked around. It seems like these books would be good to read..." Then give her a list of good, non-fiction books about the subject. Different Loving comes to mind, as does Screw the Roses and SM101. Especially SM101...oh, The Complete Spanker is also good. Mention that you've heard there are real-time groups that she can look into and leave it at that. Of course, you know that you run the risk of both of you showing up and the same event (or on the same forum board!)...but don't let that fear stop you from making sure a loved one is properly educated. If she finds you in the community, let her know how you feel about being outed. If she's mature, she'll respect that. Master Fire

dincubus -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 10:36:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO I am wondering if I should do more than I did in a situation I encountered a few days ago. Any helpful comments are appreciated. I have a niece who is 18 years old, and I think she might be a budding Domme. She's 5'10", and cute, hetero (not that it matters), has a nice figure, and has always been interested in sports. She is very much a "leader" type personality - it's amazing how she can get people to do almost anything she wants them to do for her. She's bossy, but not obnoxious about it; she has a kidding-type of charming personality. She has a pack of hetero guys that follow her around like puppy dogs, it seems, but claims they are "just friends". She dates occasionally, but nothing serious (so far, as far as I know). If one of these guys doesn't want to do something she asks (like when she managed a stage play at school), she says things to them like: "Okay, that's it, you're on my _hit list buddy! See me after rehearsal!" and some of them actually look a little scared. If one of them says something "off color" to her she justs laughs at them , looks them in the eye and says things like: "Right! I know you want me, Jack! Give me a break!", etc. She (her name is Jennifer) is bossy, but in a fun way. I never really thought much about it. Until a few days ago when she asked me, at my sister's BBQ: "Aunt Suzie, is it weird if you want to do things like spank a guy"? I am not sure why she was asking me (although I can picture her mother telling her to ask me - because I "think nothing is weird" and "know about these things"...actually her own mother may well know about "these things", it's just that nobody in my family ever talks about "these things" (I am "the weirdo" because I read about sexual topics - but don't discuss or go into detail; they just know I read about them). Personally, i think i would have given her the information she sought, in an honest and non-intimidating manner was the right way to do it. also i can see your hesitence to provide her with this web site. while she is 18, and old enough to make her own decisions, i as a parent can fully understand the desire to protect. All i could add woul dbe to suggest that you keep an open door policy with her

LaTigresse -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 11:29:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam Try this, "Hey, I looked up some stuff and asked around. It seems like these books would be good to read..." Then give her a list of good, non-fiction books about the subject. Different Loving comes to mind, as does Screw the Roses and SM101. Especially SM101...oh, The Complete Spanker is also good. Mention that you've heard there are real-time groups that she can look into and leave it at that. Of course, you know that you run the risk of both of you showing up and the same event (or on the same forum board!)...but don't let that fear stop you from making sure a loved one is properly educated. If she finds you in the community, let her know how you feel about being outed. If she's mature, she'll respect that. Master Fire I was going to suggest a similar thing. If she knows already that you do alot of "interesting" reading, suggesting a few books you know are solidly informative would not cross any boundaries or subject you to any embarrassment.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 11:47:32 AM)
I think you did the right thing. I disagree with some of your thoughts but that isn't relevant, really. I think what you told her was very good advice .

fyrekittyn -> RE: When a young relative "comes out" as bdsm oriented (7/10/2006 11:55:58 AM)
I came out to my mother when I was 15. I had a 'second mother' (really close family friend) that was in the lifestyle. It helped me more than anything else to have someone to just share concerns with that I trusted. Things like, am I strange for wanting to do this, how do I keep myself safe, etc? I was meeting strange men and women off the internet at that age (yeah, I told them I was 18), and probably would have gotten killed, raped, or abducted if I didn't have someone who explained the basics about keeping myself safe. If she is interested in exploring the lifestyle online, she'll find the sites. I did. But none of them gave me a safecall or told me how to protect myself. My second-mother did. I think you should be less afraid of her meeting strange men off the internet than showing her a place to get information. I started gathering information on the lifestyle three years before I came out to my family and started meeting people. This is just my perspective from the younger end of the bunch!

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