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Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 1:04:35 PM   
LadyGolighty


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Hoping the Dommes with more experience in d/s can answer this one (or maybe subs reading it). Haven't given too much detail on an open forum, but would welcome a PM chat with anyone that needs more detail to give a more thought out response (sorry if that doesn't make sense). Have asked a few of my vanilla friends for advice but they don't really get the dynamic.

Summary - relatively new to the scene, but always been interested in the dynamic and definitely the psychology and the kink. Through random circumstances totally outside of the scene met someone (IRL) but we both picked up on the vibes and chemistry and through more random circumstance started chatting and very quickly entered into what could be described as an online d/s - very intense, hold nothing back.

He has been owned before, but currently is in a much more vanilla situation but wasn't looking to leave it. Now he seems conflicted especially after rediscovering his sub side. We keep calling it off because I care about him deeply, and it is returned, but I almost get the impression he is waiting for me to take more control and just 'stake my claim' and turn it into a real d/s, but not as a side relationship. I don't know if I am being a less strong Domme by not taking control? If I knew it was definitely what he wanted, I wouldn't hesitate and would definitely know how to control him. It's just whether to start it.

I have taken time out to go on CM and chat/meet with other subs, but no-one has been anywhere near as compatible. He has set the bar very high!!

Thoughts?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 1:15:19 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Don't go there.

Either:

1. He's misrepresenting how conflicted he is, or
2. He's thinking of leaving his relationship because of you.

Either way, you'll be the "other woman" if you make any steps.

Look, you cyberplayed with him while he was in a relationship. You've caused enough issues as is. Bow out gracefully, and see if you can remain friends.

Edited to add: plus, NEVER collar someone until you've had some time in which he isn't in a relationship with someone else!

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 6/3/2014 1:16:18 PM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyGolighty)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 1:20:51 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		The fact that he's conflicted and you keep calling it off are serious red flags. Don't expect it to change post-collar.

(in reply to LadyGolighty)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 1:37:43 PM   
LadyGolighty


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Thank you for your replies - in general that was pretty much my thinking, I just didn't know if I was 'missing' something I was supposed to do. And by collaring, I think I meant more the under consideration type.

(in reply to RockaRolla)
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RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 2:11:53 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGolighty

I don't know if I am being a less strong Domme by not taking control?


You may think you have serious intentions, but you're toying with this man. Unless he is consensually poly or in a (verifiably) open relationship, regardless of your own stance, you had no business getting involved with an attached man. Period.

I singled out this sentence because it tells me that you are not ready to collar anybody. Being a Dominant is not about imposing your will upon another, manipulating and/or coercing, or playing with someone else's vulnerabilities to bend them to your will. If you ever want a loyal and devoted submissive, who won't do the exact same thing that this guy is doing to another woman with his disloyalty, then stop playing with fire.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to LadyGolighty)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 2:16:09 PM   
MzArianaPA


Posts: 39
Joined: 11/24/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyGolighty

Thank you for your replies - in general that was pretty much my thinking, I just didn't know if I was 'missing' something I was supposed to do. And by collaring, I think I meant more the under consideration type.



Why would you consider someone who isn't available to be considered?


(in reply to LadyGolighty)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Should I collar him IRL? - 6/3/2014 2:38:51 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		You are a leader. You are drawn to this man and he's drawn to you, I get that. But...which direction are you going to lead him in? The one that says it's okay with you if he is with one person and is cheating on her? This world is full of people who are sneaking around, having a second or third relationships going on behind the back of their spouse or significant other.

Don't be the one who can't spend time with him (in person) on birthdays and Christmas, who can't be introduced to his family and friends. You deserve more than that. Find someone to collar who is single, or someone you can be in an aboveboard poly relationship with.

****
Edited to add this.

My aunt took a husband away from another woman. She justified this by saying that if (my prior aunt) couldn't keep her husband then she didn't deserve to have him. Well, just like with the previous wife, when she had his baby and it was 4 or 5 years old...he started cheating on her too and ended up leaving her and married yet again. She thought he would never do this to her.

In a relationship, whether in marriage or otherwise, people can be unhappy during rough patches. They either learn to work their way through the bad times, leave their mate and find someone more compatible next time, or else they tell themselves it's okay to cheat. What type of behavior do you want to encourage...

I can see by your post what he's already doing.

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 6/3/2014 2:59:21 PM >

(in reply to LadyGolighty)
Profile   Post #: 7
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