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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 3:15:20 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

Can anyone around here point me in the right direction to help get over the "mental block" that some refer to as being a "nice dom"? Background info: She is into humiliation, degradation, being treated like a service slut, etc. I'm a nice guy, still getting my dom pants tailored to properly fit, but since we have been married for years and I love her more than anything, it's hard to really treat her the way she wants to be treated. It feels like I care too much about "trying to make her happy" (in the vanilla way) but I know treating her in a more "degrading slutty sub" way is what she wants. I have my moments of dominance in our every day interactions, but I'm also worried about staying on the right side of the dominant/"just being an asshole" line...

Hope this all makes sense, sorry if I misused any technical terms in all that (i tend to over generalize some things) let me know if you need a better explanation of what I'm getting at in my question...

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and respond.

Well mainly, you're not the Dom here . . . she is.

And mainly, she wants YOU to be the Dom. But you're not. She is.

The rest of this is minor compared to that, and that's what she really wants from you.

(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 5:12:18 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline 		Before this thread goes too far off track, I want to clearify a couple points...

The reason I say she wants more is because we communicate often and I pay attention to her needs and desires. The reason I am having a hard time fitting my dom pants on properly is from so many vanilla years focusing on the wrong things trying to make her happy. Until I finally realized, after learning about "BDSM theory", that it was me being more dominant that would help things for everyone. I enjoy the control in the relationship like that, I just haven't broken that barrier of enjoying the sadistic aspects of it. (I haven't pushed that far enough to test it yet to even know if I would enjoy it or not, there's still a vanilla mental block to overcome when I interact with her) .

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

What makes YOU tick as far as dominance goes? Be genuine and sincere, rather than perhaps trying to be something or someone you aren't just to try to get to her level.


This seems to be the best advice for my personal situation. My subwife isn't "topping from bottom" or being pushy by any means. I am just very well aware of what gets her rocks off and unfortunately am only recently being honest with myself in trying to figure out what keeps my kink flag flying high. If anything, she might be considered a "bratty sub" acting out when she wants more attention instead of patiently waiting (she has said it herself that she can't help herself sometimes and tests me to see if I will follow through with punishment). However, during our scenes she takes anything I can dish out to her without any complaint at all...taking all the welts, bruises, and marks without any hesitation. Which actually leads me into another kind of related topic that I was considering creating a thread for under "ask a submissive", but I'll just throw it out here for the extra background info...

When exploring and discovering kinks, she takes on a very "it's whatever you want" response (except for these few hard limits), and just sits there looking at me waiting for me to do something, she has yet to really "bring anything to the table" so to speak, aside from a few open holes and the desire for it. Some people may be into this, but I need something to work with in our daily interactions (not just her going from being a brat and wanting attention to just sitting there waiting for orders).

Hoping what I'm trying to say here makes sense, it was kind of rushed out in the middle of a break at work.

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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 5:57:27 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I need you to understand that I personally never saw it as her topping you from the bottom or being pushy. Since you quoted me, I can't be sure if this was directed at me or just in general.

I see it as her being at one level...while you are at another. Can you guys meet in the middle somewhere? Sure, of course you can. Communicate together, work together, and all things are possible. Just don't be something you aren't to try to reach her level. Work together to find a mutual common ground that has her feeling fulfilled and you being true to who you are.

Have you guys looked at BDSM checklists together? My guy and I both filled one out for the other (we switch with each other) and it really helped us in the beginning. It gives some focus and direction that you can use as you find your way.

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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 6:02:16 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline 		Lol, sorry for the confusion SeekingTrinity, the post was directed at the past two or three responses in this thread, I was using your quote as an example of being on the right track.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 6:08:27 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Gotcha

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 7:01:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Are you saying that she gets pleasure from knowing that you are hugely enjoying yourself?

Because that's common. As is the dominant's confusion. I describe it as a secondary pleasure. I don't ever beg him to take his collection of wooden spoons to me, but I can enjoy the play even though I don't like the immediate feeling because I know it's a massive turn on for him.

What you can do is ask her to write you a story, something doable. Or ask her one night what she would like done. And refuse to take 'anything you want' as an answer, because you demand an answer. Doing that should tell you what she prefers. Or just ask her thud or sting? Because usually people prefer one to the other.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 7:12:52 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

Before this thread goes too far off track, I want to clearify a couple points...

The reason I am having a hard time fitting my dom pants on properly is from so many vanilla years focusing on the wrong things trying to make her happy. Until I finally realized, after learning about "BDSM theory", that it was me being more dominant that would help things for everyone. I enjoy the control in the relationship like that, I just haven't broken that barrier of enjoying the sadistic aspects of it. (I haven't pushed that far enough to test it yet to even know if I would enjoy it or not, there's still a vanilla mental block to overcome when I interact with her) .

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

What makes YOU tick as far as dominance goes? Be genuine and sincere, rather than perhaps trying to be something or someone you aren't just to try to get to her level.



Hoping what I'm trying to say here makes sense, it was kind of rushed out in the middle of a break at work.


I know you don't think we "get it," but we really do.

Even before the "BDSM theory," there's some basic relationship stuff here. You can't "make" someone else happy, and focusing on what makes her happy isn't going to make you happy. It makes you needy.

I get you're happy, in love, etc. I get the years of conditioning in the nice direction and that it takes change. Been there. Done that.

But sharing how I did that isn't going to help you while there are some basic fundamental pieces missing. I didn't say she was topping from the bottom in the intentional sense. But she *is,* clearly, the one in charge, and she wants *you* to be in charge.

So you're just going to have to figure out what you want, and learn to have the balls to live it -- and that's true for a lot of life, not just here. What she'll love is that man who knows what he wants and how to get it.

Right now, you're the guy anxious to do whatever it takes to "make" her happy. She needs something stronger.

So be it. But don't act it, or learn to act it.

What do you want? Do you have the balls to create a life that has it?

She will follow. She's *waiting* to follow.

And happiness is an inside job.

(in reply to Default)
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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 7:14:41 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Are you saying that she gets pleasure from knowing that you are hugely enjoying yourself?



Exactly.


quote:


What you can do is ask her to write you a story, something doable. Or ask her one night what she would like done. And refuse to take 'anything you want' as an answer, because you demand an answer. Doing that should tell you what she prefers. Or just ask her thud or sting? Because usually people prefer one to the other.


...I like it. Though, I already know what she prefers, I just have to tap into my sadistic and creative side to deliver.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/19/2014 7:20:18 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

So you're just going to have to figure out what you want, and learn to have the balls to live it -- and that's true for a lot of life, not just here. What she'll love is that man who knows what he wants and how to get it.

Right now, you're the guy anxious to do whatever it takes to "make" her happy. She needs something stronger.

So be it. But don't act it, or learn to act it.

What do you want? Do you have the balls to create a life that has it?

She will follow. She's *waiting* to follow.

And happiness is an inside job.


That's deep...

And a thank you to all for the advice in this thread...

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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/20/2014 8:04:12 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		About delivering heavy sensation, I like to compare this to food. If you go out for wing night, do you refuse to order her the habanero wings because they'll bring tears to her eyes even though she obviously likes them? Do you refuse to let her watch Saw because she'll shriek?

If not, then why is it fine to have heavy sensation in the senses of taste, sight, hearing but not touch?
You're the chef here, you yourself may never eat the 5 alarm chili but that doesn't mean you can't pride yourself on making a good batch. Same with play.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 12:26:35 PM   
bondageguy67


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/13/2010
Status: offline 		This is close to what I am going through right now, although we haven't been together that long, I am trying to learn to not be so nice. like the op said I don't want to cross the line between Dominant and ass but I can see where it is a very fine line.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 12:49:09 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Are you saying that she gets pleasure from knowing that you are hugely enjoying yourself?



Exactly.


quote:


What you can do is ask her to write you a story, something doable. Or ask her one night what she would like done. And refuse to take 'anything you want' as an answer, because you demand an answer. Doing that should tell you what she prefers. Or just ask her thud or sting? Because usually people prefer one to the other.


...I like it. Though, I already know what she prefers, I just have to tap into my sadistic and creative side to deliver.


My worry is that you might be the s in the dynamic. Honestly, what will it take? For you to do something completely unexpected. For example, when she's being bratty, give her what she wants. Grab her by her hair, throw her over your knee, pull down the panties and give her a sound flogging until she begs you to stop.
You will have no further issues and she'll be very, very, VERY happy.
If you are nice, you will make her happy by being assertive at times when she's trying to poke a stick at you and it will settle her down for some time. If you're not nice, you're going to continue to make this dynamic an unhappy one for her and where she may have to seek a mentor or another D to add to your dynamic which might not be a bad idea. You really need to figure out what you want and what works for you and be honest with her.
Someone on the forum had a D and husband and they made it work until the D started overstepping boundaries and making things uncomfortable for the hubby. If you are not happy as a D then maybe it's not your calling but otherwise you need to get that primal side of you to put her in her place! And it CANNOT be on demand, it can be when she's whining about whatever, fixing the sink, going grocery shopping. Be random, surprise her! You are not hurting her, you're making her the happiest woman on the planet,. It sounds like you're both pleasers but she wants you to be the one to REALLY take the reins, so take them. Otherwise that carriage is gonna not have a driver. This should be FUN for you, not a chore otherwise she may need a play partner. :-/

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 4:56:01 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline 		Glad someone else responded here, I was thinking about replying a follow up to this yesterday but didn't want to rehash everything for no reason.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageguy67

This is close to what I am going through right now, although we haven't been together that long, I am trying to learn to not be so nice. like the op said I don't want to cross the line between Dominant and ass but I can see where it is a very fine line.


Here's my conclusion, throw a hood/mask over her head! This way, those loving, curious, and beautiful eyes or smile won't be distracting you from cooking up something sadistic. Once I had her face covered, I was really able to unleash on her like never before...simple, but effective solution.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
My worry is that you might be the s in the dynamic. Honestly, what will it take? For you to do something completely unexpected. For example, when she's being bratty, give her what she wants. Grab her by her hair, throw her over your knee, pull down the panties and give her a sound flogging until she begs you to stop.


I know in my personal dynamic, I'm definitely not the s here, lol. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't like to argue, so I have years of vanilla conditioning that I need to overcome from what I thought was making her happy by giving into her random whining (because I just didn't want to deal with it). Another detail that changes my personal dynamic is having two young kids running around the house. So, throwing her over my knee for a flogging in the middle of the day is out of the question. However, I do make her keep a notebook of infractions that I use later on after the little ones are all tucked in (not as effective, I know, but it's the best we can do for our personal situation).

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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 5:07:47 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

I know in my personal dynamic, I'm definitely not the s here, lol. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't like to argue, so I have years of vanilla conditioning that I need to overcome from what I thought was making her happy by giving into her random whining (because I just didn't want to deal with it). Another detail that changes my personal dynamic is having two young kids running around the house. So, throwing her over my knee for a flogging in the middle of the day is out of the question. However, I do make her keep a notebook of infractions that I use later on after the little ones are all tucked in (not as effective, I know, but it's the best we can do for our personal situation).


Oh well, that's nice. Yea, I mean you know your dynamic better than any of us, the best we can do is throw ideas around. Sadism has never been an issue for me and you seem more considerate than 90% of vanilla guys so I based my presumption off that rather than actually knowing the two of you. I know it might just be that you're a nice guy. Well it's being nice by being mean, think of it that way. Actually even with s's it's rare to find those who are true pleasers, those are the gems for us lifestyle D's on the female side of things.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 6/24/2014 5:09:41 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 5:54:39 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Oh well, that's nice. Yea, I mean you know your dynamic better than any of us, the best we can do is throw ideas around. Sadism has never been an issue for me and you seem more considerate than 90% of vanilla guys so I based my presumption off that rather than actually knowing the two of you. I know it might just be that you're a nice guy. Well it's being nice by being mean, think of it that way. Actually even with s's it's rare to find those who are true pleasers, those are the gems for us lifestyle D's on the female side of things.


That might be because many men can't see a good reason to want to please you, Manko

When they do see a good reason to want to please you, I recommend the guy get some counselling. He then has serious issues.


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:02:07 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

That might be because many men can't see a good reason to want to please you, Manko

When they do see a good reason to want to please you, I recommend the guy get some counselling. He then has serious issues.



LOL, dude, really? Well I guess since you said so it must be true eh?

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:15:11 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
LOL, dude, really? Well I guess since you said so it must be true eh?


I could say the same thing about a hundred things you post. You always talk like you're God himself, condescending, and the authority on everything. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, Manko. Note the lack of "goddess" in that.

_____________________________

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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:16:03 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		Where do you all think you are? The Feisty section?

Please tone it down.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:19:47 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		Create me a feisty section and I'll have a field day.

Now back on topic: I think the mask idea is an awesome one. Need to recommend it to my guy.

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:21:57 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		LOL You missed the feisty section? You might take another look at the forums.

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 40
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