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RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:25:12 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		Please stay with me as I develop this point... it will go somewhere I promise.

I watch a lot of horror movies. What does that have to do with anything? Well, it is simple, I watch horror movies because they are fun, entertaining and horribly violent. I revel in the violence, enjoy watching people get dispatched in inventive ways, and generally just like some of the situations. I laugh at the stupidity of the victims in some cases and I sometimes admire the villain.

By now, I am sure that you are going for the "block" button because I am a sick and twisted individual... but if you can hold off for a minute, I will explain why I enjoy horror so much. I believe that everyone has a terribly dark side that we totally ignore. If history has taught us anything it is that human beings can do some repugnant things to each other. Many people tend to ignore that dark part of themselves, either willingly or by their own set of values and morality which become second nature and do not need any thought. It is a self-inflicted denial of a vital part of who we all have the potential to be, but we choose to take a different path in life. My reveling in horror films and books is how I keep that dark side of me under control; I let it out for an hour or two so it can feed and then tuck it safely back in its corner. I believe that provides a balance in my life and a perspective on the capacity for great destruction that we all have within us.

Part of my attraction to BDSM is that I get to let that dark side of me out, and while it is out I enjoy the power rush, among other perks. The first time I ever slapped a woman, she had asked me to but everything inside of me, the things that I had been taught, cried out that it was wrong and that I was a bad person because I hit her. When she began to writhe and beg me to slap her harder, I found myself really digging the fact that it was indulging something that was "naughty" and "wrong" and while I was causing another human being pain, she could not stop writhing in pleasure which only threw massive amounts of fuel on that fire within me. Make no mistake, I am a nice guy, but that darkness is there and I found a controlled way to tap into that part of myself in order to indulge my desire for BDSM.

Only you know whether or not you can push the "nice guy" down long enough in order to let your "bad guy" side out. You have to realize something, if you love this woman, and it sounds like you do, then you should find a way to fulfill this desire of hers... not because she wants that, but because you want to be that for her. Doing so will not make you an asshole, it will bring you together in a way that you may never have thought possible before.

My suggestion to you is that you learn to embrace your darker side, tuck the "nice guy" away for a few hours and relish in the feeling of power that it can give you. If you are definitely a dominant and if you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have described, you know what I am talking about. Give yourself permission to be the bad guy for once. If you want to read "The Loving Dominant" it is a decent book and if I recall it deals a little with the internal conflict you are experiencing.

I will add one caveat here for clarity sake: Embracing the darker side does not mean you lose control, not at all, in fact, it means that you must maintain a great deal of restraint... which on the surface sounds a little contradictory but it really isn't. I could blather on about safety etc. but I think you already know that.

I wish you and yours the very best.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:27:55 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

Can anyone around here point me in the right direction to help get over the "mental block" that some refer to as being a "nice dom"? Background info: She is into humiliation, degradation, being treated like a service slut, etc. I'm a nice guy, still getting my dom pants tailored to properly fit, but since we have been married for years and I love her more than anything, it's hard to really treat her the way she wants to be treated. It feels like I care too much about "trying to make her happy" (in the vanilla way) but I know treating her in a more "degrading slutty sub" way is what she wants. I have my moments of dominance in our every day interactions, but I'm also worried about staying on the right side of the dominant/"just being an asshole" line...

Hope this all makes sense, sorry if I misused any technical terms in all that (i tend to over generalize some things) let me know if you need a better explanation of what I'm getting at in my question...

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and respond.


Maybe this could help:
The Loving Dominant

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(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 6:48:03 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
My suggestion to you is that you learn to embrace your darker side, tuck the "nice guy" away for a few hours and relish in the feeling of power that it can give you. If you are definitely a dominant and if you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have described, you know what I am talking about. Give yourself permission to be the bad guy for once. If you want to read "The Loving Dominant" it is a decent book and if I recall it deals a little with the internal conflict you are experiencing.

I will add one caveat here for clarity sake: Embracing the darker side does not mean you lose control, not at all, in fact, it means that you must maintain a great deal of restraint... which on the surface sounds a little contradictory but it really isn't. I could blather on about safety etc. but I think you already know that.

I wish you and yours the very best.


Wow, many good points Gauge, thanks for that. It's interesting you and angelika brought up that book, I might give it a look as honestly I'm unfamiliar with a pleaser side as a D rather than as an s or being "unnaturally nice". I can be a pleaser but usually with very specific people such as family. I just have that unnaturally protective nature especially with my siblings and their families, including spouses. Thanks for the book reference.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 7:07:02 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I would not have posted had I had a chance to read your post.
I was waiting for the link while you were posting.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 7:43:41 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
Eloquent response Guage, great insight into the "big picture" of tapping into one's own sadistic dominant side, big thanks for the response.

That's three references now to The Loving Dominant by John Warren...already downloaded and reading it in my spare time, good stuff (dcnovice wins the first to recommend prize tho, lol)

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 7:53:52 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I think the mask idea is an awesome one. Need to recommend it to my guy.


I actually just used a (loose & breathable) pillowcase for a mask. It immediately set the mood and worked wonders. I'm sure there's all sorts of safety disclaimers to go here about doing such a thing, but I'm assuming everyone uses their common sense and safety precautions in all of this (silly to assume, i know, but i can't fix stupid).

(in reply to FightingChains)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 8:13:18 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

I actually just used a (loose & breathable) pillowcase for a mask. It immediately set the mood and worked wonders. I'm sure there's all sorts of safety disclaimers to go here about doing such a thing, but I'm assuming everyone uses their common sense and safety precautions in all of this (silly to assume, i know, but i can't fix stupid).


Points for resourcefulness (I love shoelaces personally). And yes, you can't fix stupid. So I choose to IGNORE it instead. :)

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 9:42:37 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Having allergies, I don't like a mask. I need my nose uncovered. But a blindfold and gag are fine also. And you can make them out of bandannas from the dollar store.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 10:38:49 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Having allergies, I don't like a mask. I need my nose uncovered. But a blindfold and gag are fine also. And you can make them out of bandannas from the dollar store.


And this is me being too lazy to search...

Is there a thread (or one that should be started?) for common household items that could be used in a scene?


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/24/2014 10:57:52 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

And this is me being too lazy to search...

Is there a thread (or one that should be started?) for common household items that could be used in a scene?




I will start a thread for you over in Bondage Equipment so as not to hijack this thread.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4707080/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4707080

< Message edited by Gauge -- 6/24/2014 11:08:25 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Default)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/27/2014 7:27:56 PM   
DaddyDomLand


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/14/2012
Status: offline 		Using mental Dominance and physical force to keep your sub in-line isn't being an asshole, not respecting a safeword or lying to her is being an asshole. So slap, choke, and spank away....

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/28/2014 1:55:15 PM   
blackgoldd


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/22/2014
Status: offline 		A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge. I had a similar challenge early in my Dom life. My solution was to loan her out to another Dom who was able to deliver what she craved without a sexual undertone. It worked well. She never bothered me with any 'requests' ever again. Know thyself and be true to that person you know. If a sub asks for something outside your comfort zone, make it clear who is in charge and have a plan for a sub who is unuwilling to accept your authority.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/28/2014 2:12:51 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackgoldd

A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge.


Just because you are the one in charge doesn't mean you always do only what you want. It means you *choose* what you do.

That's like saying 'I control my car so I should never drive it to get a service, because I don't like doing that. Get someone else who likes driving my car to the mechanic to do it for me, cos at least he wants to do it."

Dominant means "we do what I choose", not "we do what I want".

< Message edited by FightingChains -- 6/28/2014 2:32:44 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/28/2014 3:01:48 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blackgoldd

A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge.


I wouldn't be staying in a relationship if my Dom had the attitude that it doesn't matter what I want. I wouldn't get into a relationship with a Dom who didn't feel my needs are important. Yes, he is the one in charge, no doubt about that but he also considers my wants, needs, desires. My needs are important to him and he enjoys having a happy sub who feels fulfilled and content within the relationship and having him as my Master. If he was in this relationship only with the thoughts of his needs being fulfilled, I would eventually lose the desire to serve him, I'd feel neglected, not cared for, unloved and I would walk away.

He would not do something that is a hard limit of his just to please me and I would respect that just as he respects my hard limits.

To me, even a D/s relationship is a 2 way street, it's not all about only the Dom's needs being met.

If loaning out your sub worked well for you and her, that's great. I don't get loaned out (hard limit of mine) and Master is not one to share his prized possession with another Dom.


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I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 6/28/2014 3:24:27 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

I went through something similar when I was starting out many moons ago. Best piece of advice I can honestly give is that you have to figure you out. What makes YOU tick as far as dominance goes? Be genuine and sincere, rather than perhaps trying to be something or someone you aren't just to try to get to her level. If that isn't you and you deep down know it, all the "fake it til you make it" in the world won't help. You can't be something you're not.

It's good you are asking questions and questioning yourself. Only you have the answers that will work best for you though . Good luck and give yourself time to get your Dom pants fitting properly.


excellent!

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 7/12/2014 6:51:16 PM   
CaptR


Posts: 425
Joined: 4/25/2012
Status: offline 		I struggled with fulfilling the desires of a masochistic lover at one time. Communication was key to our success. Once I realized by responsibly inflicting pain I was giving her what she wanted it became easier to slip into the role of provider. You don't have to be cruel or an asshole to give her what she craves. Identify with the part of her she's trying to fulfill and adapt a persona tailored to her needs. Use explicit language that encourages her release. Be rough not mean. Humiliate but be careful not to touch on a nerve that could damage her self esteem. You are having an amazing journey together, continue to communicate. Listen not only to her words but observe her physical responses. Experience is still the best teacher.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 7/15/2014 8:41:19 PM   
MasterRagnar


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/14/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Dominance is like a muscle. Work it and it will get bigger. Maybe not Mr Universe-big, but generally speaking, big enough.


This is perfect. Not even thinking about it, one of my first sexual partners, I tied up and blindfolded. I don't recall why or what got me thinking about it, I just did it and she was fine with it. Then, I became ashamed of this want and suppressed it for over 10 years. I finally got over the shame and started again with cuffs, blindfolds, and toys. Then I moved into shibari, then into D/s and then Master/slave.

Where am I today? Master/slave as well as DDlg --- this seems to be where I have landed and enjoy it. Of course, M/s and DDlg mean many things.

Regardless, the quote is perfect. You need to experiment, taste, and see what YOU like. If you do things that you do not enjoy, it could create resentment, etc. Just please make sure that you keep the communicate open between the two of you, that is so important especially during these early phases.


(in reply to Domnotlooking)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 7/15/2014 10:54:19 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		I think there's been some thread drift here. We are not discussing "dominance". The Op is asking how to overcome his being nice so he can be the competent sadist SOB BDSM DOM his wife wants.

Here's the rub, sadists are born that way and the competence comes with training and experience, but we are born sadistic and not trained or conditioned to be that way. Sometimes born sadists are suppressed by how they are raised but it only takes a hair trigger to overcome that and show your true colors. If you cannot overcome that "block" easily and quickly, you never will because one does not learn to be a sadist, you just are or you are not.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 7/15/2014 10:57:01 PM >

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice... - 7/16/2014 9:48:05 PM   
kinksterparty


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/4/2011
Status: offline 		I'm a "nice guy" by nature, I just happen to like the D/s dynamic in the bedroom.

How should I handle it when a sub wants me to be Dom outside the bedroom?

Put on a production of "Dominant Theater", in order to indulge her - or tell her I'm not really like that IRL, and will not act Dom in casual interactions?

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 59
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