Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (Full Version)

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Marioneta -> Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 2:48:25 PM)

I can imagine this discussion is tired. I did flip around and use the search feature, however, and didn't find that there's been a discussion on this matter in the recent past. So I ask, Collar Space, do you think that online BDSM play and relationships are bogus? And why?

If you think online BDSM is bogus, is that because you haven't personally found it to be fulfilling? I'm new to BDSM, but not life and I know how it can be. You've done something a certain way for a long time and then these kids come along and muck it all up. But if I engage with someone (who has proven to my satisfaction to be who they say), and if I find it to be an intense experience of submission or service, why would old schoolers want to argue my experience?

Online engagement can be dangerous. Perhaps not for the same reasons as real time play but it can certainly attract users, fakers, and predators. But there are also genuine, kinky people out there desiring to meet and satisfy desires through authentic online interactions. The main reason I ask this question is because I have a little to say and a lot to ask about BDSM. And I value the opinions here (well, some of them). But I probably won't involve myself in as many discussions if my credit is denied. And so be it if that is the case. I will turn down my music and get off your lawn.



InHisHeart -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:18:48 PM)

Master and I met on-line 7 years ago but if we didn't intend to meet in-person and see how things go from there, neither of us would have continued on with each other. An on-line only relationship is not something either of us has any interest in and it would not be satisfying to us. We're both an "all or nothing" type of people.

For others, if on-line trips their trigger, go for it. Who's to say what's bogus, what's not and who cares what other people think? The only opinion that matters is the opinion of those involved.

IHH



MrRodgers -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:25:08 PM)

Online anything is ultimately only so much titillation. It isn't the tactile and the secret to the relationships and the pleasure of any fetish which BDSM is...is meeting. Real time back in the day...was all there was, so what was 'online' to them ?

It is not BS if only because online whatever, can build exciting anticipation but that can only be served by meeting.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:26:18 PM)

~FRing it~

My guy and I first met through CM (back when it was CM) in early 2012, but all of our interactions have been real time. Like InHisHeart, we don't get anything out of online BDSM/relationships either. But just because I don't get anything out of online relationships, it doesn't mean that I look down my nose at those who do. To each their own and we all have to live our lives in the way that brings us happiness or fulfillment...no matter the way in which we go about doing it.



SweetAmber32 -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:28:47 PM)

Personally for me, I want to smell Him, feel Him, taste Him, hear Him, serve Him. Computers just don't provide that. I could do some online, but a RT, in person experience, is what is real for me. Some others, just want online. That's their choice. But those doing online are missing out on a hell of a lot. But that's just my opinion.



areallivehuman -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:32:49 PM)

It's not that it's bogus, just unfullfilling for me. I just need flesh and blood. Hell I used a computer to find my mate, nothing wrong with computers as tools, but as a replacement for life? If YOU find it fulfilling, great, I certainly won't belittle or begrudge. Rock on, and let your freak flag fly.

Online engagement is only dangerous if you give out your personal info.



Domnotlooking -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 3:47:22 PM)

It's better than nothing -and nothing generally means absolutely, flat out nothing. "Better than" nothing starts to look not so bad.

A lot of nice people can't have BDSM in their real life for various reasons. Some are married and are just getting such psycho-sexual crumbs as they can, some are housebound or ill, some live in places where there are not many other people as such, let alone kinky people.

And I guess some people enjoy the whole correspondence aspect of it, akin to having a sexual pen pal.

Are there people out in internet land who would PREFER to have an online or second life relationship instead of a real one?

I have to believe that it has to be at most 2% of all online players.



peppermint -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 4:31:32 PM)

No, online can be a great experience for both. However, this only happens if both are very honest and open with each other. Otherwise it can be a great fantasy experience. Hey, if one's life is too busy to do real time, online pretend can be okay for a time. I used online when I was working full time while taking care of a dying family member. I couldn't date. I had no time to go out and have a social life. It ended up that he told some lies which made the experience less than it could have been. It did keep me sane at the time and was a great way to release the tensions life brought. When the relative passed away he bailed out rather than meet face to face.



SWDesertDom -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 6:02:05 PM)

To me it's BS, but why would you care about what I think about your relationship?



littleladybug -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 6:14:37 PM)

For me, online can be a great way to initially make connections, but I lose interest quickly if it cannot go to real time. With that being said, I know quite a few people who, for various reasons, cannot do the real time thing at this point, so they choose to go purely online. The day that I tell them that I think that their relationships online are "bogus" is the day that I get my head chewed off...and IMO, rightfully so. Sure, there are people out there who act in such a way to make the whole thing a farce but, at the end of the day, what they do does not affect who I am or the relationships that I choose to have. I get ticked when someone decides that they know "better" and tell me that I'm not a "real submissive" for whatever reason. I would expect someone would have the exact same reaction if I told them that their online relationship wasn't "real". I suppose, at the end of the day, my position on this comes down to my own sense of self and my security in who I am. If two people get together, in whatever capacity, and are not harming others, who am I to judge?



FieryOpal -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 7:20:09 PM)

This is a very relevant topic, Marioneta, much more so than many of the other questions that get posted. I have ambivalent feelings about on-line relationships in terms of its fantasy vs. reality aspects. Back in the day, it was considered shameful if you admitted to your friends and family that you had met your bf/gf on line. Perhaps it still is for some people, but I wouldn't feel that way. A niece-in-law of mine abandoned her two little daughters to go off to live with some Internet stranger in another part of the country, and those are the kinds of stories that reverberate in our minds. (She got disowned by her parents, by the way, and her girls have been raised by my sister-in-law & brother-in-law to this day.)

Honestly, I have met two of my subs from on-line interactions (messages & phone calls/texts only, IM after we had met). One turned out to be a complete dud. He was a vanilla dude, so that was probably a huge factor (as in clueless wannabe sub). The other was my last sub, who is a really great guy. Perfect for me in so many ways at that stage in my Domme journey. There's no reason for me to believe I can't find that again in a D/s relationship dynamic.

Keep your hopes up, use common sense to ferret out the weasels, never take anything at face value, and stick to your standards as you would in a vanilla relationship. Don't tolerate less-than-desirable treatment from a BDSM partner that you would not tolerate for one moment from a vanilla date, boyfriend/steady partner.

[Edited for tense]



DesFIP -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 8:32:50 PM)

We were ldr for 3 years. So we did a lot of online play. But it can't fulfill me the way him actually touching me can. A cyber hug is a nice expression of caring but a real life one means a lot more to me.

However, if it works for you then that's all that matters.

With the caveat that if you're married, your spouse will still consider it cheating.
If you're camming, you have to hope like hell that he won't spread those pics around the net should you break up. And people are a lot more vicious over the net then they would be in real life.



princessBrina -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 9:22:05 PM)

i do not think online BDSM is bogus at all..everyones situation and life is different and sometimes it is better for people online or a half in half..i personally like to be in person but to each his own.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/18/2014 9:58:41 PM)

I don't think 'bogus' is a word I would use. I do think that there is necessarily an element of illusion involved in any sort of online relationship, however.

For me, it depends on your intention. For some good old fashioned fantasy, or for role playing to figure out what you want, or as a stop-gap human interaction when face to face isn't practical, I think online is great. I certainly wouldn't deny the strength of the emotions that can play out and I'm generally in favour of whatever makes people happy.

Ultimately though, online is a limited medium. You're interacting in a very controlled environment. You don't see each other's bad habits. You don't meet their buddies or see if they drive like a lunatic or whether their bathroom is filthy. You give each other chunks of intense attention, rather than them often being present but not often your sole focus, as happens face to face. You present edited versions of yourself. You can think about what you want to convey and put on an act. Even if neither of you intends to deceive, you're inclined to show your best side. And when it comes to talking kink, I think most people tend to fantasise about more extreme things than they would do in real life (because fantasy lacks the physical feedback, meaning we build them up to get the same buzz and/or we honestly don't know how our bodies would cope with these sensations). So that can be skewed too.

Now none of that is a problem if you are just looking for a sexual thrill or a bit of fun. But I do think it gets to be problematic when people start making commitments to each other (or claims of extensive experience) based on online interactions alone. To use a clumsy analogy - if you base your ideas on romance on disney movies and romcoms, you're setting out for some disappointment. Likewise I've seen many people, as often as not well into middle age rather than kids embracing the future, who set themselves up for some harsh lessons and disappointments because they start making big decisions based on an online relationship.

I started out online with my husband because we were in different countries. It was meaningful, and we both really tried to be honest with each other about what we were getting. It was still a big adjustment to actually combine my relationship with him with all the real life responsibilities that he'd previously been separate from. It was tough, and we weren't dealing with any of the common lies used online (about age, appearance, marital status, education level etc).

So I'm not against online BDSM or D/s, but my advice would always be that if you think it could potentially turn into more than a virtual fuck-buddy, to meet as soon as possible and make plans to have frequent personal interactions.

When it comes to play only online - doesn't do much for me but lots of sexual acts don't. Again, I think you're limited in what you can try and for me the tactile feedback is the best part. But hey, if you're both getting off then it's doing what it's supposed to.



GreyMoggie -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 8:30:50 AM)

I've played with a Dom online one. I think, to a certain extent what you lack in the physical domination side can be made up in the humiliation side. Also the instructional and organizational side or allowing a Dom to help you develop and grow as a person is all mental. If you get off on making yourself do things to please someone that make you feel humiliated, and either don't miss the physical side of play, there's no reason online can't work.

I like the physical, I don't like humiliation, and I'm not a sub so being told what to do with my life goes down like a lead balloon. I won't do assignments, eat, sleep, work out on someone elses schedule (er, or any schedule), write lines as punishment, let someone help me pick my clothes, whatever, none of that does anything for me. If that is exactly what gets a couple off though, then Houson, we have a go.

I don't know if it can become an issue that you're apart after a while of that working though. I do notice a lot of online Dom/mes are married, which only concerns me in as much as SSC goes all ways and I won't go there i the spouse is not aware, informed and consenting to the relationship.



Marioneta -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 11:43:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreyMoggie

I've played with a Dom online one. I think, to a certain extent what you lack in the physical domination side can be made up in the humiliation side. Also the instructional and organizational side or allowing a Dom to help you develop and grow as a person is all mental. If you get off on making yourself do things to please someone that make you feel humiliated, and either don't miss the physical side of play, there's no reason online can't work.

I like the physical, I don't like humiliation, and I'm not a sub so being told what to do with my life goes down like a lead balloon. I won't do assignments, eat, sleep, work out on someone elses schedule (er, or any schedule), write lines as punishment, let someone help me pick my clothes, whatever, none of that does anything for me. If that is exactly what gets a couple off though, then Houson, we have a go.

I don't know if it can become an issue that you're apart after a while of that working though. I do notice a lot of online Dom/mes are married, which only concerns me in as much as SSC goes all ways and I won't go there i the spouse is not aware, informed and consenting to the relationship.


Yes, I think part of why it works well for me is because words (dialogue and communication) are probably my number one fetish. And I have a good imagination. If I feel connected to a Domme online, and she tell me to do something to myself and I do, I feel as though she has done it. And, yes, humiliation is big for me and it isn't difficult to embarrass others or become embarrassed online as anyone who has access to the internet will know.

I can't say that I don't crave the physical. But it's not so much touch, though, that, too. It's more seeing the eyes, the expression, hearing the voice.. that would be nice. Perhaps I just need to step my game up to Skype, ha. And yes, micromanagement is easy enough to do online.

It goes without saying that honesty and open communication are everything in BDSM whether online or in real time. I am indeed in a long term relationship. My partner is aware of my online activities and I inform dominants immediately of my status.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.





littleladybug -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 11:46:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta


It goes without saying that honesty and open communication are everything in BDSM whether online or in real time. I am indeed in a long term relationship. My partner is aware of my online activities and I inform dominants immediately of my status.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.





IMO, that is the number one thing. As long as everyone involved is aware of the positions of all of the players, have fun. *s*

From what you have said here, you are going about this responsibly, and should literally be thumbing your nose at anyone who calls your relationship "bogus".



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 12:55:49 PM)

It's not reality to me, but for those who like it, go for it. As long as they realize should they try it in rl, it wont be the same as roleplaying it online.



Snitch -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 3:11:56 PM)

Online is a misnomer, unless the money is also online money.



SweetlySadistic1 -> RE: Do you think that online BDSM is BS? (6/19/2014 5:34:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Marioneta
If you think online BDSM is bogus, is that because you haven't personally found it to be fulfilling?

This is only my opinion: Not only was it unfulfilling for me when I was a sub but it's still unfulfilling for me as a Domme. Once I did start to get involved w/ someone in online only & he kept claiming we'd be together by the end of the year & it never happened. My heart broke and I realized then & there it was all fantasy. Anything the sub does, s/he is really doing to her/himself, and the Dom/me's power ends as soon as the computer is turned off. Nothing real ever really happens between the two people. It's all online fantasy.

Anyone can be anything s/he wants to portray her/himself as online, it doesn't mean that's who s/he really is. It's all pretty much mind games and fantasy if it's anything at all. If you have voice & video chat, yeah, you can see & hear each other, but you can't feel, taste or smell each other at all. When you stack it up against real time, it's grossly lacking and lacking miserably.

Having said all that, if it's your cup of tea and you like it, more power to you. I know some people really dig it, even prefer it over real time for their own various reasons. Besides, who cares what any of us think if it works for you?

SweetlySadistic1



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