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Rough vs BDSM - 6/26/2014 11:48:07 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?

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"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."
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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 12:01:19 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?


The point where one loses control over the situation.

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(in reply to FightingChains)
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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 12:15:16 AM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		Even in BDSM, there must be consent, so no one really loses control anyway, do they?

Sorry, playing devil's advocate!

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 12:31:15 AM   
PandoraFoxxx


Posts: 182
Joined: 1/3/2011
From: San Mateo, CA
Status: offline 		I suppose that depends on your definition of losing control. I sure as hell don't have any control in some situations, but I consent to that *giggles*

(in reply to FightingChains)
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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 5:33:05 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?


Yeah.

1. If he found out that you're into kink and/or gay, there's something wrong with the firewalls you should be setting up.
2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 5:55:05 AM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		I think a pretty clear line is "anger".

If the actions are motivated by anger or negative emotions =bad
Motivated by lust, mutual consent=not bad

Sometimes it is a fine line in that only the people involved can really make that delineation.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 6:02:31 AM   
FightingChains


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Joined: 3/18/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Yeah.

1. If he found out that you're into kink and/or gay, there's something wrong with the firewalls you should be setting up.
2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."


I'm military and everyone's partners get brought up in the unit. It happens. The fact that mine is a man? That shouldn't stop me from being able to mention him.

It came out when I was being helped drunk off the ground during shore leave and my shirt slipped up and he saw marks on my back. He was worried I was being beaten up by guys in the unit. I had to explain.

Perhaps next time refrain from assuming. The whole 'something wrong with my firewalls' thing was a bit offensive.

< Message edited by FightingChains -- 6/27/2014 6:06:20 AM >

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/27/2014 9:33:31 AM   
Miyani


Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		In my mind, rough sex is a form of BDSM. There isn't a line, just a little Venn diagram.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/28/2014 9:59:28 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with Miyani...rough sex is just this side of BDSM. Of course , there could arise a few issues: in BDSM, most folks have a fairly good idea just how rough things are going to get. They also...in most cases, though not all...have a safeword or some sort of signal to indicate stoppage if things get too heavy or go awry. Many times in rough play, there's been no such discussion.

I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/28/2014 1:37:48 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.


Ok, so I should lie and say my partner is a woman when people at work ask, and I should have my clothes glued to me in case they see marks from impact play? Otherwise my 'firewalls' are not good enough?

Give me a break.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/30/2014 6:47:10 PM   
lovethyself


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Joined: 11/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.


But the OP only mentioned his work to reference where the question had come up. His actual question had nothing to do with the fact that it was discussed at work. Steven read into the first part of the OP and missed the actual question.

OP, I'm not sure there is any difference between rough sex and BDSM other than the name attached to it. For someone that doesn't consider themselves kinky, it would be rough sex, for someone kinky, they might have different descriptors to say the same thing.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 6/30/2014 9:13:00 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

I think it's pretty much like a lot of other things...

There can be rough/demanding/overpowering without any interest on the part of said person as far as BDSM goes
There can be BDSM without rough/demanding/overpowering
And there can be a combination of the two

It really just depends on where you personally feel the line is

On another note, if you don't mind discussing your personal business at work...more powe to you. But if you don't feel ok with that, it's perfectly ok to tell a coworker that you are find and your personal affairs are none of their business. For me personally, what my guy and I do behind closed doors is not the business of anyone who wasn't a party to the events. But that's just me

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/17/2014 6:15:46 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani

In my mind, rough sex is a form of BDSM. There isn't a line, just a little Venn diagram.

I think it would depend on how rough and how aggressive the sex gets.
If you are doing primal play with take-downs, few rules or limits, that would be BDSM. So would rape/ravishment play.
Having a wrestling fetish could be considered BDSM.
Just doing some light bedroom wrestling is more vanilla, IMO, like my husband and I used to do.
Once the bed restraints and/or bondage items come out, it's BDSM.

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There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/18/2014 5:12:05 AM   
egern


Posts: 537
Joined: 1/11/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?



Permission.

(in reply to FightingChains)
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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/18/2014 7:05:18 AM   
thompsonx


Posts: 23322
Joined: 10/1/2006
Status: offline
ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."

I play piano in a brothelwhy must you suck all the joy out of my life?

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/19/2014 10:05:50 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		FR

Not really off topic, but sort of straying... I used to think pretty much everyone liked rough sex. I thought it was just something everyone did. Like, pretty much everyone kisses during sex at some point, right? And pretty much everyone takes at least some of their clothes off? And there's usually some sort of penetration involved? (Not talking kink here.) Well, I thought that things getting rough was kind of par for the course for even the most vanilla of folk. It hasn't happened every single time I've had some sort of sexual activity, of course, but neither has kissing or nudity or penetration. But in general? Yeah, I thought everybody got rough until I was fairly recently advised otherwise. It still surprises me a little bit. With increased speed and intensity, I assumed everyone would want to push the intensity throughout their whole body and psyche. LOL - I didn't realize it was a "thing" and not the norm.

So, the difference between getting rough and BDSM? I'm going to say power. If I'm not in a D/s relationship, and the man I'm having sex with starts overpowering me in a way that I don't want him to, I have the power to stop the whole thing and still be within the boundaries of the balance of our relationship. In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/19/2014 11:25:45 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.

I don't quite understand why you say you don't have "the power to stop it." You can safe word, you can withdraw consent. You don't give up control, unless you have consented to, which takes it to more of a CNC or "forced" level, where your consent is implicit.

I would think that it is in a non-D/s setting where you risk not having the power or ability to stop your partner's course of action.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/19/2014 12:53:47 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.

I don't quite understand why you say you don't have "the power to stop it." You can safe word, you can withdraw consent. You don't give up control, unless you have consented to, which takes it to more of a CNC or "forced" level, where your consent is implicit.




I was saying that in comparison to the sentence just before it, when I said that if it were a vanilla relationship, I could stop the activity and still be within the boundaries of the relationship to do so.

I don't use safe words or negotiated consent, so there's nothing to withdraw. (Is that CNC? I don't even know.) Otherwise, how he chooses to handle it (whatever "it" is) is his decision.


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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/20/2014 10:38:45 AM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains


Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?



Accessories.

Years back, I was with a woman who wanted to be pinned down, gripped tight, folded in half, and fucked hard, but was instantly turned off by any effort to bring in anything she thought of as "kinky," and completely rejected any sort of D/s foreplay. She loved showing off the fingermark bruises on her ankles though.

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That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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RE: Rough vs BDSM - 7/20/2014 3:01:40 PM   
slaveoubliette


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/22/2014
Status: offline 		you need to define that yourself

(in reply to FightingChains)
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