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Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 2:00:47 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I had a Dom the other night, tell me after a few short hrs of conversation he was able to conclude the following about me. I was a lesbian. The reasons for this being: 1. I like to be dominated by men. 2. I prefer to be a Domme over men. 3. I had been part of an equal relationship of a few years with a woman. Somehow, this made me a lesbian. (I am not mad about this, he and I have talked since..and it's all good..lol) I also ran into a more serious case of this though. A man thought that my desire to be a sub/slave was based solely on the abuse in my childhood and some other personal factors. (some of you know these already, I won't repeat) He took it upon himself to think that I was in self-destruct mode, and therefore should be put in a hospital where I wouldn't harm (or let others)harm me, sort of a deprogramming. This put me literally in a fight for my life and my freedom. It was not possible that I enjoyed being spanked, whipped, slapped, used..etc. There had to be something "wrong" causing this. What I have ran into time and time again as a submissive/slave, is Doms who think that after some very short conversations (IM, phn) that they know my hidden thoughts and desires and have found the secret code that will simplify any thoughts that I have. There has to be hidden meaning in things that I say. I suppose because of my position I am not capable of stating a clear thought and meaning it the exact way that I say it; it's concluded that I must speak in "sub code" and I need someone else to sort it all out for me and tell me where I have went astray. I am I guess probably not so much asking a question, I suppose. I am just more needing to rant a moment about this and wonder if others face this on a pretty regular basis. Respectfully, Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

Post #: 1

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 2:32:45 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

It's not just subs who experience this - it's everyone. People, for the most part, want to "sum" people up...if only in there own mind and terms.

I do agree that you have had some bad experiences, but I would not be so presumptious to say that you do not know your own self.

When trying to get to know someone - I think we all, in one form or another, try to put the other person's experiences in the place in our mind, and make "judgements" as to how WE would feel - which may not be how THEY feel.

Be glad someone is listening enough to go through that process in their mind - and correct them when they are reading you wrong.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 2

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 2:47:15 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I do see what you are saying. I am happy that anyone takes time to listen to me and try to learn about me (good and bad).

What I am talking about is more when you do talk to someone and they suggest, or are making assumptions of you, you try and correct those things, knowing that people can only know the situation by comparing it to theirs, yet your knowledge of yourself is dismissed as just not "knowing" yourself.

It's more the ones that think they can read your mind after a few talks, not even the Doms that you are with on a regular basis who under certain circumstances can know you that well.

I think that there is some sort of a presumption, that we are somewhat the lowly sub/slaves that need the big, smarter, white horse Dom to rescue us from our thoughts, feelings and realities as we see them.

Trust me, I want nothing more than to have a Dom that not only wants me, but who can get into my mind and have some control there. I just know that won't happen with a 3 hour conversation on IM... I don't care how good they are.

Respectfully, Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 3

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 2:49:44 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

From your post, butterfly, I can tell you are a vegetarian, believe in reincarnation, have fantasized about Marilyn Monroe, and drive a red car.

and babysburnin, I'd tell you what I know about you, but it's a bit personal. PM me to find out what you may not know about yourself yet.

You people make it far to easy!

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 4

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 2:59:39 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

From your post, butterfly, I can tell you are a vegetarian, believe in reincarnation, have fantasized about Marilyn Monroe, and drive a red car.

You people make it far to easy!

Yours,

benji

Drats!!! Benji, you bad, bad dog.. have you been reading my thoughts, again? *swats you on the bottom with the rolled up newspaper.

~Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 5

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:08:23 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I'm dying to hear your thoughts - sent you an email.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 6

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:11:26 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

I had a thought a few years ago - it died of loneliness........

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 7

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:13:10 PM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

OMG Andrea.. that is soo funny and oh so true.. I have had many conversations with the same type of person.. THANK GOD there are others who balance that type out, otherwise all of us subs / slaves would REALLY need therapy just dealing with them!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 8

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:15:25 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

(The kind that balance it out are the ones who have no idea what's going on in general....

)

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 9

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:29:13 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Ok - I'm a bit "strong" (in sub-terms, not always good). BUT... don't be happy someone listens to you...I mispoke...THEY should be happy you speak with them. I meant, be happy for the human connection.

I'm going to say something probably very unpopular with Doms/Masters/Sirs... Confidence is sexy and attractive and alluring, not just in THEM, but in US... for those who will treat you WELL. You need to be treated well already... set yourself up for that to happen.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 10

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:42:34 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

lol.... I am happy that some get to KNOW me.. is what I meant by listening to me. What I am saying is, that so many just want cam shows ..and to know every single sex act you have ever commited in your life (details required).

So, I guess I am just one of those "brats" that should be ball gagged for my own good... I complain when they don't want to know me..then I complain when they THINK they do.. sheesh.. bad, bad..slave.. to your corner now.

Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 11

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:46:18 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

What a predjudicial __ss, is all I can say. Might not be his fault; maybe it's his upbringing, or he doesn't read much, or know many other people that actually are bi-sexual, into bdsm, lesbians, gay men, or straight people into bdsm very well that could perhaps enlighten him that: There are all kinds of people in the world - and they should all be welcome on the planet (at least as far as their sexuality is concerned). Judging what someone's might be from reading a couple of posts or e-mails is ludicrous. Don't bother to be insulted - it's a waste if your time!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 3:47:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 12

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 3:49:54 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Do you think a good Dom would want only a cam show? Poo..

I can't even imagine a good Dom requiring that, or asking for that up front. The D/s relationship DOES include MUTUAL respect. You are speaking with want-to-be Doms...Wait for the REAL thing.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 13

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:17:56 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you, Suzanne.. it would be nice to live in a world someday I hope, where people of all types can live the way they are..and not have the worry of looking over their shoulder.

~Andrea

P.S. It was a Daddy/daughter thing... maybe he just didn't want a lezzie for a daughter.. I know mine didn't.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 14

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:20:45 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I haven't talked that deeply to that many doms to come across this attitude. I would find it very condescending to my humanity if I did. I do not think I would want to continue talking to someone that talked to me in this way, I would more than likely take some so-called educated guesses about him to make this little game fair.

I would wonder if he felt he was in some way mental because he enjoyed controlling women? Why is the malfunction always the submissives problem?

This is the last sort of dominant that I would submit to, someone that thought I was somehow flawed in my submissiveness. It is obvious to me that such a dominant does not "get it". They are not taking people as they really exist, but instead juxtapositioning their worldview on another person's head. Such a type is always going to try to be psychoanalyzing me for the abuse that caused my flaw no matter how many times I profess a happy childhood... it is deeply offensive.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 7/10/2006 4:23:01 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 15

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:21:32 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear sleazybutterfly, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I believe people apply some 'code' to both dominants and submissive and male and female.

Instead of listening as people should, to hear somebody's 'chamber' of secrets of their spirits, people are impatient and jump to assumptions due to the role people enjoy. Indeed there might be a pattern but, the fact is even if in a pattern, each person is woven in a unique fabric that is uniquely 'you' (in a general sense). Not everybody who submits has been abused, etc. The same thing with the standard 'dominant' code for why women become female dominants, instead of submit to men.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 16

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:40:51 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I haven't talked that deeply to that many doms to come across this attitude. I would find it very condescending to my humanity if I did. I do not think I would want to continue talking to someone that talked to me in this way, I would more than likely take some so-called educated guesses about him to make this little game fair.

I would wonder if he felt he was in some way mental because he enjoyed controlling women? Why is the malfunction always the submissives problem?

This is the last sort of dominant that I would submit to, someone that thought I was somehow flawed in my submissiveness. It is obvious to me that such a dominant does not "get it". They are not taking people as they really exist, but instead juxtapositioning their worldview on another person's head. Such a type is always going to try to be psychoanalyzing me for the abuse that caused my flaw no matter how many times I profess a happy childhood... it is deeply offensive.

Those that do this now, do not get more of my time.. they are more likely to get an "eye roll" and the end of the conversation. When I first started though, I didn't know and I just more or less accepted this as part of it..thinking..well..maybe they are the "great dom" and do know all of my thoughts better than I do myself.

It's hard to believe how much I have grown and changed in the past year. I still make mistakes, but I will never settle for any Dom that treats me in a manner I don't think is acceptable. The times of the meek sub/slave that says, "yes, Sir, no, Sir" blindly are pretty much over.

~Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 17

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:46:29 PM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Dear sleazybutterfly, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I believe people apply some 'code' to both dominants and submissive and male and female.

Instead of listening as people should, to hear somebody's 'chamber' of secrets of their spirits, people are impatient and jump to assumptions due to the role people enjoy. Indeed there might be a pattern but, the fact is even if in a pattern, each person is woven in a unique fabric that is uniquely 'you' (in a general sense). Not everybody who submits has been abused, etc. The same thing with the standard 'dominant' code for why women become female dominants, instead of submit to men.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

I agree. I think people try to make things rational in their heads..and thinking that I am sub. to men (or Dom) because of past abuse and such puts it in a nice, pretty wrapped box with a huge red ribbon.. so it's a lot safer..and less threatening to them.

The world would be a much more dangerous place if we did something simply because *gasp* we got pleasure out of it.

Respectfully, Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 18

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 4:58:21 PM

janiceleeinsc

Posts: 61
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

I have seen this very close, up front, and personal, and I don't want to start a sex war, but based on my experience as a sub looking for a Dom, it tends to be with male doms.
Maybe I prefer female doms over male doms. That just may be my choice.
I was told I was mentally unstable by my first Mentor who had about five subs. Who is he to say I am unstable?
As a Domme, I don't know all that makes my slave tick and we have been together for two years.
I agree with the others that you have probably talked with a lot of Wantabees. Keep searching. You will find someone worthy of your service.

Respectfully,

Mistress_Jan

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 5:07:33 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have spoken with very few dominants over the phone, less than a handful. I developed some techniques to weed out certain types right away pretty quickly.. maybe that was judgmental on my part.. but the whole idea is to find someone you want to have fun with that turns out to be the person you want to keep around.. I have done fairly well in that regard so far (knocks on wood..smiles).

I would ask dominants questions like

"How do you punish submissives?"

"How strict are you?"

"Are you jealous?"

I guess after reading your post I would have to add "Do you feel submissives are all somehow mentally defective?" If I was ever to go looking again.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 20

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