RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (Full Version)

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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 2:14:12 AM)

A very good point. I have often wondered, too, whether the potential for injury to the receiver is greater using a strap on than using a real penis since the wearer lacks the physical feedback you get with flesh-on-flesh, and many strap ons are very rigid. It's definitely something I would want to approach with caution when I was starting out.




InHisHeart -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 5:33:06 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mutwo

Yes i understand that about being open but sometimes things are on another level. Some people may be ok with some levels of kink and others may find it the most abnormal thing known to man. So you can't be just going around saying whats in your head the whole time. No one does that anyway.


Even kinksters aren't ok with being involved in everything kinky and all levels of kink. There are things he brought up that I wasn't on board with and things I brought up that he wasn't on board with but neither of us ever worries about getting a bad reaction from the other.

Some people do just say what's going around in their head at any given time, we do it whenever something pops in one of our heads, could be watching TV, eating dinner, driving to the grocery store, whenever. For me, this isn't because of being in a D/s-bdsm relationship, I was very open and said what was on my mind before I got involved in BDSM. I've never been accused of being quiet, shy or afraid to say what's on my mind.

I know there are couples who don't talk freely about their sexual desires with each other and that's just something I can't wrap my head around when they're in a long-term relationship. Just my take on this but I don't see your problem as wanting something that is kinky as much as I see it as a communication issue.

If she hasn't done any type of ass play to you, start with bringing that up before trying to get her into pegging you. If she's game for giving you ass play, as she becomes more comfortable with each step, bring up the next step and so on. To even start out with some ass play done on you, the first step is being able to communicate your desires.






Domnotlooking -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 6:09:28 AM)

"Gently and Discretely"?

As in: Fuck my ass hard with a big rubber thingey?

I see all these well-meaning sugar coating egg shell walking suggestions as pretty futile.

You have to just put it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

The fact that you are so reticent means that you probably expect rejection. Much sympathy on that. A non-BDSM-er was always the longest of long shots for getting your deserving ass seriously reamed.

But you know that already.

If someone here had the magical speech formula to get vanilla people to jump in the deep end of the perv pool, they'd be likely leading a word wide messianic cult, not shooting the breeze on the net.




mutwo -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 6:59:00 AM)

Thanks for the great insight that was completely different to everyone else who has commented. live long and prosper.




thompsonx -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 7:25:03 AM)


ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Sit her down and ask what fantasies she may have that she hasn't acted on yet. Take note of them and think how you might be able to make them happen. And offer your own fantasies.


Why must you constantly carp on this honest open communication shit all the phoquing time[8|]
Oh waite I know ...
it is the only thing that works in the long run[;)]How fiendieshly clever.





thompsonx -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 7:31:22 AM)


ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

"Gently and Discretely"?

As in: Fuck my ass hard with a big rubber thingey?

I see all these well-meaning sugar coating egg shell walking suggestions as pretty futile.

You have to just put it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

The fact that you are so reticent means that you probably expect rejection. Much sympathy on that. A non-BDSM-er was always the longest of long shots for getting your deserving ass seriously reamed.

But you know that already.

If someone here had the magical speech formula to get vanilla people to jump in the deep end of the perv pool, they'd be likely leading a word wide messianic cult, not shooting the breeze on the net.


I would say that failing to heed this sound advice would be ill advised. Should the object of his affectations/affections decline his openess there are any number of rental options avalable.




thompsonx -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 7:35:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

A very good point. I have often wondered, too, whether the potential for injury to the receiver is greater using a strap on than using a real penis since the wearer lacks the physical feedback you get with flesh-on-flesh, and many strap ons are very rigid. It's definitely something I would want to approach with caution when I was starting out.



Are you sugesting that instead of her actually doing the penetration she should be the supervisor of someone properly equipped to perform this act?




thompsonx -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 7:41:45 AM)

A great deal of the advice you have been given here has been to be less than genuine in your approach. All of this subtrafuge is designed to present you in a more positive position. When in fact it is quite obvious to the most casual observer that the perpetrator of these disingenuous behaviours is at base a dishonest person.
Is that really an immage you would seek to convey to a potential life partner?




thompsonx -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 7:48:43 AM)


ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Otherwise, a role-playing Dominatrix hooker or service-Topping escort would be (plural) your best bet in getting your strap-on play itch scratched

If it werx for me I know it would work for him[;)]




CloakedProtector -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 3:44:26 PM)

OP in your question you used the term "a non-BDSM woman".

I think that you can, in this case, just skip the qualification and approach the issue more generic.

This could be the generic questtion "How can I bring a partner in a play I am not sure about if she will react well if I ask her."

The answer would then fall back on very basic rules that are part of most relationships:

1) Don't break her trust (so I would not trick her into it or lie about it, etc)
2) Agree with her that everything should be 'discussable' and that a discussion doesn't need to come with either obligations or judgements
3) Then just tell her what your fantasies are (use the word fantasies) and be open to hers.

Anything else besides mutual consent in engaging whatever play will sooner or later turn acid.
At least one party will otherwise not feel good with it and then it becomes just a matter of time before it gets outed.





catize -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 5:14:56 PM)

Have you ever had a hard object shoved up your ass repeatedly? Other than fantasy have you tried it for real? If not, I would suggest a self monitored test before you ask your girl to do it. Sometimes fantasy translates to reality in a wonderful way----other times not so much!




mutwo -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 5:40:08 PM)

Thank you, actually quite helpful. :)




mutwo -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 5:42:02 PM)

Your a header.




FieryOpal -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/15/2014 9:05:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thompsonx

A great deal of the advice you have been given here has been to be less than genuine in your approach. All of this subtrafuge is designed to present you in a more positive position. When in fact it is quite obvious to the most casual observer that the perpetrator of these disingenuous behaviours is at base a dishonest person.
Is that really an immage you would seek to convey to a potential life partner?

[sm=wtf.gif]
The advice OP has been given has to do with what would be the most effective approach to take.
The least effective approach to take would be to have a vanilla lady feel as though she has just been hit upside the head with a 2x4.
You can't tell me you've never been in a relationship with a vanilla woman. Women typically do NOT appreciate getting news sprung on them out of left field.

Has OP even tried to ease his SO into vanilla-condusive kinky bedroom activities such as using bed restraints & blindfolds, handcuffs, or other forms of light bondage?
He has not introduced the concept of female domination into their bedroom dynamics. Only a fool would blurt out to his vanilla partner, "I want you to dominate my ass, and I want to become your bitch," in so many words.
The prudent course to take would be to offer to give her a massage, a footrub when she comes home from work with sore feet, do things around the house to make her life easier, and get her accustomed to the idea that male submission is a good thing that adds value to her life.

Being a considerate lover is NOT an act of subterfuge.
Not only that, a femsub would feel as though she had been given the bait & switch if her Master were to suddenly spring the news on her that he wants to get pegged, within their pre-existing (D/s) relationship.




Domnotlooking -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/16/2014 11:02:25 AM)

Gotta strongly disagree, Opal Griffen-person.

While I was laid up, I read a couple of hundred sub male blogs. Among the many who practiced "stealth submission" (that thankless foot rub routine), none seemed to find a kinky sex pay day.

The poor guys would do laundry and suck it up, only to watch their vanilla partner's interest fall off. Usually, they'd get cut off from vanilla sex by their perplexed and exhausted wives too.

The problem is that no person on earth is agnostic about fucking a guy in the ass: "This anal pounding of which you speak, I am intrigued but my mind simply draws a complete blank; please tell me more".

Nope, 99.99999% of the world have and immediate and strong reaction to male assfucking by a women. It mostly ranges from negative to get the fuck out of here. Doing it by incremental degrees ("just the tip of the pinky, please") just postpones the miserable day of reckoning.

In my own life, I have mostly been with previously vanilla women. I've had to go through a fair few of them to find compatible kinky partners. Using the slow approach as you suggest has mostly resulted in a few light tie ups ala cosmopolitan magazine (call it 2 out of 10).

Moving beyond that into the mental aspect of D/S, the already paltry numbers fall through the floor. And I'm a dom guy with an outgoing nature and a lot of social capital. The numbers favor me in theory, but in reality, not so much. For a sub guy, cutting to the chase seems inevitable. He's at zero and has no downside to laying it all out. You can only go up from zero.

And stripping out your rationalization:

"Being a considerate lover [when you're just doing it with a hidden agenda] is NOT an act of subterfuge .

By definition, a hidden agenda is a subterfuge.

I agree with you that a male dom who wants to get anally stretched and doesn't mention it early on in is another sad no hoper and LIAR by default. Secrets are bad for relationships. Sexual secrets are among the most destructive.

Truth is usually thankless, but it's the best way to go. At least you have some pride in yourself. All those stealth submission guys sounded like they should be on suicide watch.




Gauge -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/16/2014 12:06:14 PM)

I'm going to add my $0.02 here but quite a few have stated it already but it definitely bears repeating.

I've been in relationships where sex was never discussed and when it was, there was such a puritanical feel to the discussion that it really was quite useless. Look, if you can't be open and honest with your partner about sex, then frankly, what the hell are you doing together? You are both adults, sex is normal and natural, fantasies are part of this, and then there is the kinky stuff, but all of them should be able to be discussed. You are simply in a catch 22 situation where if you tell her you risk freaking her out, and if you don't tell her you are not having your needs met, both will end up in a bad place. So it really boils down to: Be honest or keep secrets. This is a difficult decision.

Perhaps the advice you have been given to find a way to open a frank dialog with her about sex is really and truly the way to go. Start talking about fantasies, ask her if she has any at all. Maybe telling her one of yours (not this one) but one more suited to break the ice would make her feel comfortable to discuss hers. Of course, if she is not comfortable talking about sex for whatever reason, then it is not likely that this will do any good anyway, but you have to ask yourself if the reward is worth what you may risk in your relationship. When I met my slut, she was very reserved about sex and talking about sex. I told her flat out, early on, within the first day or two we talked, that we were adults and that sex is a wonderful thing to enjoy together. I explained that we were both responsible for how good our sex life would be and that nothing is off the table for discussion, not necessarily doing, but discussion. I am a very lucky man in that she understood and she opened up for the first time in her life about her sexual needs.

I do wish you the best and hope that you can make the right decision that will be suitable for both of you.




mutwo -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/16/2014 1:07:53 PM)

I understand you opening up on day one however these are only recent feelings towards this type of kink and I may just take you advice on is it worth the risk.




FieryOpal -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/16/2014 7:01:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Gotta strongly disagree, Opal Griffen-person.

While I was laid up, I read a couple of hundred sub male blogs. Among the many who practiced "stealth submission" (that thankless foot rub routine), none seemed to find a kinky sex pay day.

The poor guys would do laundry and suck it up, only to watch their vanilla partner's interest fall off. Usually, they'd get cut off from vanilla sex by their perplexed and exhausted wives too.

The problem is that no person on earth is agnostic about fucking a guy in the ass: "This anal pounding of which you speak, I am intrigued but my mind simply draws a complete blank; please tell me more".

Nope, 99.99999% of the world have and immediate and strong reaction to male assfucking by a women. It mostly ranges from negative to get the fuck out of here. Doing it by incremental degrees ("just the tip of the pinky, please") just postpones the miserable day of reckoning.

In my own life, I have mostly been with previously vanilla women. I've had to go through a fair few of them to find compatible kinky partners. Using the slow approach as you suggest has mostly resulted in a few light tie ups ala cosmopolitan magazine (call it 2 out of 10).

Moving beyond that into the mental aspect of D/S, the already paltry numbers fall through the floor. And I'm a dom guy with an outgoing nature and a lot of social capital. The numbers favor me in theory, but in reality, not so much. For a sub guy, cutting to the chase seems inevitable. He's at zero and has no downside to laying it all out. You can only go up from zero.

And stripping out your rationalization:

"Being a considerate lover [when you're just doing it with a hidden agenda] is NOT an act of subterfuge .

By definition, a hidden agenda is a subterfuge.

I agree with you that a male dom who wants to get anally stretched and doesn't mention it early on in is another sad no hoper and LIAR by default. Secrets are bad for relationships. Sexual secrets are among the most destructive.

Truth is usually thankless, but it's the best way to go. At least you have some pride in yourself. All those stealth submission guys sounded like they should be on suicide watch.


Actually she's a sphinx, but I wouldn't expect most folks to recognize that. [:)]

I'll have to disagree with you on the definition of subterfuge: "the use of tricks especially to hide, avoid, or get something"
More fully defined as: "deception by artifice or strategem in order to conceal, escape, or evade"
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/subterfuge
What OP is doing at present is the subterfuge. He has been hiding his kinky nature from his vanilla partner.
He specifically asked how to broach the subject of pegging with her "gently and discreetly," which means doing it gradually (easing into breaking the news gently) and in a roundabout way.

Given the existing relationship, I along with other posters, offered options for him to consider.
Personally, I agree that sexuality needs to be on the table from the onset in any intimate relationship one contemplates, whether vanilla, D/s and/or BDSM.

When my former husband and I first met, he was oozing kinkiness and was not ashamed of his overall sexuality. We were both vanilla.
Yet even with our apparent transparency, it wasn't until after we had gotten involved, that the first traces of his fixation with cuckolding came up, again as vanillas.
It took a number of years and perhaps two split-ups in between before he came to terms with his submissive nature. I wouldn't have chosen to be with anyone I couldn't openly and freely communicate with about any area of life, particularly with respect to our eroticism.
Our bedroom kinkiness took the form of very light BDSM and role-playing D/s for many years into our marriage before we became a D/s couple within that last 5-6 year-period.

On the other hand, I have a male sub friend who went kinky-overboard as soon as his wife opened the door a crack to consider adding some spice into their waning sex life.
The first thing he wanted was for her to peg him, in typical "do-me" sub fashion, he showed no finesse or regard for accommodating her sexual fantasies.
Needless to say, this shut her down completely from wanting to have sex with him anymore.
My point being, anything is possible, and there are no guaranteed pay-outs. Either you invest in the relationship for relationship's sake, or you put your own sexual needs first and find a suitable sexual match without any hidden agenda from the very start.




Domnotlooking -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/17/2014 9:51:43 AM)

Sphinx-domme, we don't seem to disagree much here.

My wife was 150% vanilla when we started corresponding (in a sort of self help-ish support internet forum). I was already kink-out there in discussing my miserable marriage. Once we started getting friendlier, she asked me to fill in the blanks. I did so, tastefully but comprehensively. Since she didn't hang up the phone, I took it as a good sign.

I asked her, "Does any of this make you wet?". She said, "Definetly". I said, "Sit back, I'll drive. Let me know when you need me to pull over".

We started from a healthy, non-sexual place of supporting each other and as you suggest with the pegging guy, that allowed the hotness to manifest and happen.

I agree, there's a line between full disclosure and TMI. But mature adults who are into each other can generally negotiate it.




FieryOpal -> RE: How to break a non-bdsm female into pegging gently and discreetly. :) (7/17/2014 11:40:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Sphinx-domme, we don't seem to disagree much here.

My wife was 150% vanilla when we started corresponding (in a sort of self help-ish support internet forum). I was already kink-out there in discussing my miserable marriage. Once we started getting friendlier, she asked me to fill in the blanks. I did so, tastefully but comprehensively. Since she didn't hang up the phone, I took it as a good sign.

I asked her, "Does any of this make you wet?". She said, "Definetly". I said, "Sit back, I'll drive. Let me know when you need me to pull over".

We started from a healthy, non-sexual place of supporting each other and as you suggest with the pegging guy, that allowed the hotness to manifest and happen.

I agree, there's a line between full disclosure and TMI. But mature adults who are into each other can generally negotiate it.

I believe it's much easier to make the transition from vanilla or vanilla-kinky to D/s and the B&D portion of BDSM, than to find a vanilla partner who'll be open to sado-masochism.
My husband and I were not into S&M, and I'm still not.
However, the prospect of going back into that vanilla pool of freshly divorced fantasist-wankers. Ugh.[sm=eeew.gif]




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