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ORIGINAL: Arturas

I met Star here. We both searched for several years. It may not take several years for you. It's good you have gotten out and met some face to face rather than only stuck online. Your profile as of right now is the most attractive, honest and intelligent one I have seen in a long time. It is going to attract the one you want. Your beauty and the fact that you honestly list how you like to dress will attract wankers but that always happens to beautiful women here. I have access to Star's cmail and it was amazing how many wankers wrote her. She just ignored them and you will have to also. The good ones will stand out and you will get the hand of finding their cmails and enjoying them. Enjoy always your time here and that life is good.

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My question is should I have tried harder to get his attention?

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ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I believe that as a submissive woman, your plans, time, and schedule are, in fact, secondary to those of whoever winds up as your Dominant. If something comes up that prevents him from being able to speak with you as he planned, I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt, especially if, as you say, you have no reason to not trust him. The only mind games that are going on are probably yours.

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ORIGINAL: RockaRolla


That's a valid dynamic if and only if it is discussed beforehand.

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Thanks for acknowledging that you have a different view on submission.

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But the fact that you're enforcing that on a dynamic that is clearly not your own is irresponsible and possibly damaging for the OP and any lurkers about, who may get it in their heads that it's okay for a dom to abuse, manipulate, and throw them away and they signed up for it when they decided to submit.

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And frankly I'm getting tired of people who are quick to shift blame on the person with the least influence in a relationship for anything that goes wrong in said dynamic.

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ORIGINAL: Kaliko

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ORIGINAL: RockaRolla


That's a valid dynamic if and only if it is discussed beforehand.

No.

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ORIGINAL: Kaliko

RockaRolla, I don't really know why you're trying so hard to fight with me. I'm just discussing.

I've just reread what I've posted and I don't see where I've proposed dashed dreams and door-matting as the way to be submissive. And in fact, I do see where you are doing a bit of one-true-wayism yourself. (Hence my response of "No" to your declaration that the dynamic is valid if and only if it's discussed beforehand.) Obviously whatever I'm saying is striking an aggressive chord in you.

I was advising the OP that, in my opinion, she can use times like that to practice shifting her perspective and behavior so that when the time comes that she is with someone she might have a solid relationship with, she'll have developed some independent coping skills so her mind doesn't do flips on her every time something seems unfair in a D/s relationship. Because sometimes shit just isn't always fair in a D/s relationship. I like my opinion and I'll continue to share it, thanks. I think there's value to learning about different views.

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I believe that as a submissive woman, your plans, time, and schedule are, in fact, secondary to those of whoever winds up as your Dominant. If something comes up that prevents him from being able to speak with you as he planned, I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt, especially if, as you say, you have no reason to not trust him. The only mind games that are going on are probably yours.

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Here is the comment where you've proposed the way to be submissive:

I believe that as a submissive woman, your plans, time, and schedule are, in fact, secondary to those of whoever winds up as your Dominant. If something comes up that prevents him from being able to speak with you as he planned, I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt, especially if, as you say, you have no reason to not trust him. The only mind games that are going on are probably yours.

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I can't find any other interpretation for this other than "your time is not to be valued as much as your dominant's whims." What level of respect does a submissive woman deserve, in your eyes?

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Yes, it struck a nerve in me. It did so because I've become involved with people like the OP described in the past and was given the same treatment of "suck it up, you signed up for it." I think it's a disgusting attitude to have, especially when speaking to someone new to the scene, impressionable, and unclear on what she can and cannot do.

All I'm saying is that if your idea of a submissive dynamic works for you, awesome. But it won't work for everyone and clearly didn't work for the OP when she started to feel used and played with. You may call me out for my insistence on negotiation, but I'm sticking by it because that's damned important. How else is a couple going to figure out what sort of dynamic works for them? Not all submissives are content to have their needs take a backseat at every given moment. They still have needs that don't always fall into the line of "must please master."