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RE: Mind Games - 7/24/2014 3:22:22 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
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When you give advice based on how you think a relationship should work, you're imposing your belief on that dynamic. so when you say that a submissive woman's needs come second to whatever he wants, you're telling the OP that her time and feelings were unimportant.

This is the part where I took offense. I'm clarifying that now, because our conversation seems to have drifted.

And of course I don't think every relationship should work my way. Why do you think I stress the importance of negotiation? If I wanted everything by my rules I would consider that an irrelevant detail.

(in reply to Kaliko)

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Post #: 21

RE: Mind Games - 7/24/2014 3:31:29 PM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

I was advising the OP that, in my opinion, she can use times like that to practice shifting her perspective and behavior so that when the time comes that she is with someone she might have a solid relationship with, she'll have developed some independent coping skills so her mind doesn't do flips on her every time something seems unfair in a D/s relationship. Because sometimes shit just isn't always fair in a D/s relationship.

At the risk of being clobbered in the head for interfering with this conversation...

I will give you the soft golf clap Kaliko.

At the risk of getting my head clobbered with an even bigger plank...I will go even further and say that sometimes shit isn't fair in ANY relationship. In my humble opinion, one has to look at their relationship, for themselves, and determine what they want. What can YOU deal with in the relationship that you choose?

Is it anyone's responsibility to temper their responses on a message board for the "uneducated masses"? And, really, if they do, where is the line with that? Answer: there is NO LINE. There's no rulebook for all of this. Someone asks a question, answer is given. They either take or don't take the advice given. Simple.

"Submission should look like _____". Really? Nope.

(in reply to Kaliko)

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Post #: 22

RE: Mind Games - 7/25/2014 7:06:44 AM

kinksterparty

Posts: 89
Joined: 4/4/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subrosaDom
Let someone fill in the blanks. Don't allow them to mirror you and if they do, see if they know what they're talking about. Don't trust -- AND verify!

Agree 100%. Mirroring is a very easy to use, and typically very successful technique. That's what makes it so appealing.

Don't let a conversation flow one way - if he's asking you all the questions, and you're giving him all the answers, you're letting him profile you and then use that information against you. Establish a conversational give-and-take - answer a few questions, then ask yours. Even if you can't come up with something that you're truly curious about at the moment - ask noncommittal stuff like what kind of movies he likes, places he's traveled to, etc. It's not about the specifics of the information you get, it's about balancing the convo so neither party is oversharing (and thus being put at a disadvantage).

Verify, verify, verify. It's all too easy to build an illusion. Photos can be taken off blogs & tumblr - want to make sure it's legit? Ask him to write today's date and a keyphrase on a piece of paper, and hold it up to the camera. Watch for warning signs like never wanting to talk on the phone (married? hiding?). Guys will go to great lengths to impress a woman, and will lie easily to get laid. It's sad but true.

(in reply to subrosaDom)

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Post #: 23

RE: Mind Games - 7/25/2014 8:23:09 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

In my humble opinion, one has to look at their relationship, for themselves, and determine what they want. What can YOU deal with in the relationship that you choose?

Is it anyone's responsibility to temper their responses on a message board for the "uneducated masses"? And, really, if they do, where is the line with that? Answer: there is NO LINE. There's no rulebook for all of this. Someone asks a question, answer is given. They either take or don't take the advice given. Simple.

"Submission should look like _____". Really? Nope.

I agree Littleladybug. People are responsible for their own lives, the decisions they make and finding what works well for them. If they take someone else's thoughts of their way as fact that this is how it should be and not see that it's nothing more than an opinion.......it's on them. When replying to relationship type questions, I say "for me" or "for us", this is what works for us or this is how we do it. They can take from it what they want or trash it all.

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Post #: 24

RE: Mind Games - 8/17/2014 11:06:56 PM

Bondalee1

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/15/2013
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Words, promises men nothing. You have seen that he is not true to his word by leaving you wanting with no explanation. A true Dom will be courageous speak up even to cleanly end it. Cut your losses and learn from this experience. It is so important for you to know that YOUR behavior had nothing to do with his insincerity. Good luck

(in reply to Kaliko)

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Post #: 25

RE: Mind Games - 8/18/2014 12:57:01 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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I was going to give this one a miss but, it's been a rough weekend.

LION! Open your mouth!

I'm going to make the assumption that since the OP has stated they're looking for a master, they identify as slave.

There are some that ascribe to the belief that a slave is somehow "more submissive" than someone that identifies as submissive. I'm not one of them but, I did want to point out that mis-labeling may be part of the issue.

Now, let's look at "submissive":

quote:

ORIGINAL: American Heritage Dictionary

adj.
Inclined or willing to submit. (Link here)

Well, that wasn't all that helpful, per se so, let's dig deeper. Shall we?

quote:

ORIGINAL: American Heritage Dictionary

v.tr.
1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process: submit a tissue sample to testing.

3. To present (something) to the consideration or judgment of another: We submitted our ideas to our supervisor. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.
1. To accept or give in to the authority, power, or will of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something: submit to an interview; submit to drug testing.

(Link Here)

As both a transitive and intransitive verb, the first definitions seem to be most applicable to our lifestyle. So, let's stick with those:

quote:

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another

v.intr.

1. To accept or give in to the authority, power, or will of another

Unfortunately, language causes labels. If we look at these definitions, it is not unreasonable to assume that someone involved in a power exchange relationship who is not the dominant partner would be inclined to yield or surrender themselves to the will or authority of another or to accept or give in to the authority, power, or will of another.

So, by definition, some sacrifice is going to be required of a submissive.

I think what we experience quite a bit in this lifestyle is people that seem to be saying: "I'm a submissive" but their actions/attitudes show that they're not willing to submit. Unfortunately, there are people that will enable them in this behavior/attitude.

Look, if someone is just in it for kinky sex, so be it. Go and be well but, if you want to be submissive (and be taken seriously by people who can read and understand the definition), you have to be prepared to suffer a few slings and arrows.

Certainly, this doesn't mean that one needs to allow someone else to run rough-shod all over them but, one certainly needs to understand that if you want everything "just so", according to your plans, wishes and desires, you may have labeled yourself incorrectly.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 8/18/2014 1:01:57 AM >

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Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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Post #: 26

RE: Mind Games - 8/18/2014 2:52:42 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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But that's once you're in a d/s relationship. I don't think it includes pandering to the wishes of every horny guy on the net seeking someone to cam for him.

And that's the thing with the op, she wasn't in a relationship of any kind, she'd never met the guy. Part of her determining that he was someone she wanted to meet including wanting a guy who was honest. Who kept his word.

Because if he felt free to lie about talking to her, then wouldn't that kind of person feel equally free to break her hard limits once he had her restrained? This is how we judge if people are honest and trustworthy. If they keep their words in small things, then you're more inclined to agree to a not so small thing, and see how he handles that.

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Post #: 27

RE: Mind Games - 8/30/2014 3:54:06 PM

Bondalee1

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Joined: 11/15/2013
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I know intellectually that I am being played when a 'friend' tells me the man I was speaking to is 'In a coma". So why do I feel so upset and anxious to know how he is? Have I become so gullible? Wouldn't it just have been easier for him to disappear rather than tell a tale? How can I know the truth?

(in reply to Kaliko)

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Post #: 28

RE: Mind Games - 8/30/2014 5:19:34 PM

Bondalee1

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I find it useful to read my own questions. The answer is clear. No fool like an old fool. I am moving on. Thanks

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RE: Mind Games - 8/30/2014 7:03:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You're in Jersey. There are munches around. Tell these guys who write you that you'll meet them at the munch Thursday night. If they show, great. If not, you still make new friends and have an evening out. Where's the downsides to that?

Meet them before sending naked pictures.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Mind Games - 9/2/2014 10:54:23 AM

CountDrackula

Posts: 36
Joined: 8/19/2014
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I never talk to anyone on line in-depth unless they have Skype a number and pictures…this will eradicate most fakes and white boxers but alas it catches the odd rare genuine shy creature.

If they are evasive regarding any of the above I just label them as errant curiosities

But I go to a great length to offer all of me in eg my profile

Did op fall for one of these – I cannot say for sure – this has to be offset with attention whores who fall for a load of olde cobblers as it’s the best quick fix

So, dear op I dunno know enough of you and he….but if it was man he should have made you cum at the very least, and not one of those pith cums

Find another and find one for the correct reasons

Slipper notes - id been to one munch in my whole life there were 16 people there for the whole of Scotland population 5 million haggis
i went to all the clubs even when as little as 11 did, and watched many fall by the way side and other spring up will inconvenienced idea and pr elemental as the benchmark norm

i stopped going long before i got CFS, and remember i am an intj basket case with 3 cats..crowds mysify me.

online you need to look hard for real people and true friends

but at eg a munch or a club no matter if you are single or married or a married liar you would be made welcome....

nearest ones to me are 20-40 miles, and i hsve CFS, i am not sure i will ever go again..and make sure my profile speaks volumes

if you can go to munch or a club they should make you feel very welcome..i think? or at least they used to with any newbies

(in reply to DesFIP)

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Post #: 31