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Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/23/2014 3:54:56 PM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

I have a 4 years relationship with a Dom who is moving several states away to finish his studies.
I care greatly for him but I really don't want to continue a long distance thing. We never saw each other much and due to our situation there have been difficulties seeing each other regularly over the years but have stayed connected through the internet and texting.
I have never been over pleased with our arrangement, a lot of physical things were missing to make the relationship feel whole to me from the beginning but the attraction I had for him held things together. With him leaving I really don't feel the relationship will last. He insists it will. I spoiled him most of the relationships with gifts and honestly I think it's that he wants to hold on too. Sexually I was the giver and received very little if any reciprocation.
I don't want to end things on a bad note but he seems not to be able to understand long distance will definitely not satisfy me. Cyber I g does nothing for me.
Any suggestions? I just really am at a loss to make it clear to him, moving on for me is better. His response is " it ends when I say it ends"
Thanks in advance for much needed advice or story sharing.

Post #: 1

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/23/2014 4:16:08 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31

Any suggestions? I just really am at a loss to make it clear to him, moving on for me is better. His response is " it ends when I say it ends"

Yeah, no.

He sounds like someone you're better off kicking to the curb anyway.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 2

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/23/2014 4:40:51 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
...moving on for me is better.

This one little bit says it all for me.

You aren't married to him.
Heck, you don't even live together.

Now, add this to the mix "a lot of physical things were missing to make the relationship feel whole to me from the beginning"
-- and also --
"he seems not to be able to understand long distance will definitely not satisfy me"
is just the cream on the top.

And when he says "it ends when I say it ends", you politely say.... "Sorry hun, it ends right here and now - thanks for the last 4 years, but bye bye" and don't have any contact with him again.
Seriously!!

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 3

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/23/2014 5:22:33 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I checked out your profile. You can do better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 4

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/23/2014 5:34:46 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Cut off all contact. He's made it clear that he not only doesn't care about your interests, he will steamroll over them to get what he wants. Optimistically, he may be trying to play the Dom card to try and manipulate you into giving in. Worst case scenario is that you're dealing with a potential abuser.

It's fortunate that he's moving so far away, it'll make the cutoff easier. Just cease all communication, block messages from whatever websites you two use. If he sets up a sock, block that and move on. See about getting his number changed. (An easier solution - at least some Android phones have an option to send any calls from a given number directly to voicemail. Something to look into.)

As DS said, you can do so much better. Move on and find a Dom who cares about your interests and well-being as well as his.

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 5

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 5:59:35 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Let's summarize:

-The relationship has never been exactly what you want because of physical things missing
-You don't see each other that much
-He's moving even further away
-He isn't listening when you say long distance won't work
-He is selfish sexually
-You suspect he is using you for gifts
-You feel you'd be better moving on

Other than you 'care deeply' for him (not love, after four years?) I don't see ANY reason to stick with this relationship. He doesn't get to keep you until he says it ends - my answer would be 'sorry cupcake, reality doesn't work like that'.

After reading your post I expected you to be about 22 and clinging on to your first sweetheart. You're not. Life is too short to stay with someone who isn't making you happy and doesn't listen to your concerns. Personally I wouldn't be overly worried about it ending badly - better to go through the short period of an unpleasant break up than four more years in an unpleasant relationship. Besides, you won't be bumping into him at the grocery store.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 6

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 6:36:40 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

Thanks for the advice. Everyone is pretty much reinforcing what I knew I needed to do but needed the push.
I loved him, it was more then cared greatly. You know how that goes sometimes people hold on to feelings that are hard to let go, or relationships even when they are going south or are toxic.
Truthfully, I tried to end it before, and when he said " it ends when I say it ends" I wanted to believe it was due to him caring. Fooling myself. When really it's became obvious it was just a matter of controlling.

I take responsibility for allowing it to continue, even when I knew it was messing with my previous good self esteem.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 7

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 6:56:38 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

When one person doesn't want a relationship to end, you can never really make it clear (in words) that it's ending. The actual ending of the relationship is what wakes the other person up; that and if you start to see someone else.

There's also no easy way for you to tell the other that (1) this hasn't been that great and (2) you are ready to move on. Having the other move away makes everything much simpler as that -- in and of itself -- creates its own ending and it's his choice.

You pretty much say all this in you 2nd post. I think it is a virtue that are thinking about him and don't want to be cold-hearted about it.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 7/24/2014 6:59:03 AM >

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 8

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 8:01:45 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

So you tell him good luck in accepting that it's over, and you hope he moves on for his sake. But if he doesn't want to move on and he wants to wallow in how you abandoned him, that's his choice.

It doesn't mean you need to do anything more than you've done.
Then you stop responding. Block and ignore. Delete his contacts. Unfriend him.
He'll get the message soon enough.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 9

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 8:42:35 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31

Truthfully, I tried to end it before, and when he said " it ends when I say it ends" I wanted to believe it was due to him caring. Fooling myself. When really it's became obvious it was just a matter of controlling.

Worse than that, it was a matter of controlling badly. A Dom/me should have the control in a relationship. But he/she should be aware of what's best for him/herself, what's best for the sub, and what's best for the relationship itself.

In your case, it's clear that best for you would be easing the relationship into friendship and possible mentoring. A good Dom would be working with you to make that happen.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 10

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 8:48:02 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

I agree with what most everyone here has said, but I will add one thing. DON'T be ambiguous. Tell him clearly, and definitively that it is over for you. Then, stop all contact. When a breakup is one-sided, there is the tendency to sugar coat it a bit, to make it "amicable". The problems sometimes come when the other party thinks that the door is left a little bit open. They expend a great deal of energy trying to crack that door wide open again, when you REALLY should have just shut it, and locked it. There will be less bad feelings, and a quicker resolution if you are clear, and firm.

Just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean it wasn't successful. It served a purpose, and ALL things end eventually. Enjoy the memories of the good, learn from what was missing, and you get closer each time to defining what and who will be a better fit, next time around.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:00:47 AM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

How about:

"Well, after several months of not hearing from me and never, ever getting any kind of sex play again from me for the rest of your life, feel free to chime in at any point in the distant future when you're ready to decide it,uh ends".

Assure him you'll be waiting with whatever baited breath is.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 12

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:12:41 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

I did learn a lot from the relationship about myself. I guess I have wanted to sugarcoat things. During the relationship my feelings were hurt a few times so badly I went to the bed of depression for a few days. He has a huge ego and I have not wanted to wound him as I was wounded. I seriously doubt he has the depth of feeling for that kind of pain but I still care enough I didn't want to hurt him like that. My advice to submissives is if you see at the beginning major differences. Stop then. Don't get more involved because on down the line whether a year or 10, those differences will show their ugly head no matter how far you try to sweep them under the rug. Time marches on and time has lapsed back full circle. Same problems.
Attraction and lust is great but it's not enough to sustain. Compatibility and mutual respect of needs is so important if one desires more then just a scene. Without being rewarded the desire to serve ceases.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 13

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:25:45 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I don't understand why you are so worried about hurting the feelings of someone who obviously doesn't care about yours?

You don't spend that much time together, it doesn't sound like he's madly in love with you. He's likely to be more irritated that he's losing out than heartbroken. Even if he does miss you emotionally, a quick clean break is the kindest way. You can be kind without sugarcoating. 'We want different things, I've tried to explain to you that this isn't going to work for me and although you disagree, it won't change my needs. Thanks for the memories, good luck finishing your studies, and goodbye'.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 14

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:39:24 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

You are right. Maybe I shouldn't have cared but it's who I am. At the depth of feeling and middle of the relationship I actually felt vengeful in the relationship and tried to hurt him. But at the end it wasn't how I felt anymore. I would explain it if I could. Relationships can make people irrational at times and stupid.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I don't understand why you are so worried about hurting the feelings of someone who obviously doesn't care about yours?

You don't spend that much time together, it doesn't sound like he's madly in love with you. He's likely to be more irritated that he's losing out than heartbroken. Even if he does miss you emotionally, a quick clean break is the kindest way. You can be kind without sugarcoating. 'We want different things, I've tried to explain to you that this isn't going to work for me and although you disagree, it won't change my needs. Thanks for the memories, good luck finishing your studies, and goodbye'.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 15

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:48:02 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
You are right. Maybe I shouldn't have cared but it's who I am. At the depth of feeling and middle of the relationship I actually felt vengeful in the relationship and tried to hurt him. But at the end it wasn't how I felt anymore. I would explain it if I could. Relationships can make people irrational at times and stupid.

We aren't saying you shouldn't care about anyone - most people care to some degree or other.
But, bottom line is, you don't throw common sense out the window for anybody - and I mean anybody.

First and foremost, look after number one - yourself!!

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 16

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 11:08:20 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31
You are right. Maybe I shouldn't have cared but it's who I am. At the depth of feeling and middle of the relationship I actually felt vengeful in the relationship and tried to hurt him. But at the end it wasn't how I felt anymore. I would explain it if I could. Relationships can make people irrational at times and stupid.

We aren't saying you shouldn't care about anyone - most people care to some degree or other.
But, bottom line is, you don't throw common sense out the window for anybody - and I mean anybody.

First and foremost, look after number one - yourself!!

Thanks. I think I know what you are saying.
Don't care for someone more then yourself ever. Basically that's what I was doing.
I don't think it's exclusive to me. I think many subs at one time or another, especially inexperienced ones, find themselves in situations where they are providing someone else's needs when ours are not being met. Being pleasers is not healthy when someone is taking full advantage of that. Since I/we would not practice or feel comfortable doing this, we sometimes overlook someone else would have no remorse taking but giving little.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 17

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/24/2014 10:49:45 PM

master247ltr

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/24/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31

. His response is " it ends when I say it ends"
Thanks in advance for much needed advice or story sharing.

That ends when I say it ends is a red flag. I'm not sure about what you 2 have, but a masters job isn't only to give commands and take in what the slave has to give. The master must respect the slave. This includes respecting the slave when they want to leave the relationship.

It may get a little ugly and you might be best waiting for him to leave. But, you need to break it off if you don't want to be in a relationship with him.

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 18

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/25/2014 5:02:39 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeartAndSoul31

I have a 4 years relationship with a Dom who is moving several states away to finish his studies.
I care greatly for him but I really don't want to continue a long distance thing. We never saw each other much and due to our situation there have been difficulties seeing each other regularly over the years but have stayed connected through the internet and texting.
I have never been over pleased with our arrangement, a lot of physical things were missing to make the relationship feel whole to me from the beginning but the attraction I had for him held things together. With him leaving I really don't feel the relationship will last. He insists it will. I spoiled him most of the relationships with gifts and honestly I think it's that he wants to hold on too. Sexually I was the giver and received very little if any reciprocation.
I don't want to end things on a bad note but he seems not to be able to understand long distance will definitely not satisfy me. Cyber I g does nothing for me.
Any suggestions? I just really am at a loss to make it clear to him, moving on for me is better. His response is " it ends when I say it ends"
Thanks in advance for much needed advice or story sharing.

I don't see the problem. Tell him that.

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 19

RE: Breaking it off with a Dom - 7/25/2014 7:59:00 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Based on everything you've posted, I suspect "Go die in a fire" might be the appropriate way.

Look, you feel you owe him because you learned a lot about yourself. You would have gotten that out of any relationship.

You owe him nothing.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 20

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