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FieryOpal -> RE: Public Submission (8/3/2014 11:40:41 PM)
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[Parsed for emphasis]
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ORIGINAL: Admiresdommes
Yes this is my second 24/7 D/s relationship. We do live together.
We are in a TPE and at home it is a total dynamic. I would say we are a very high protocol privately and have been a low protocol publicly.
My current relationship is with someone more experienced although three years younger than me.
While my first relationship began vanilla and transitioned to D/s this relationship has been D/s from day one as I was seeking a dominant partner.
It isn't for me to judge how you and your Mistress have gone about formalizing your M/s, whether you entered into it prematurely or not, but I would like to assess your situation in all fairness, if it would be helpful to you.
You wanted to replicate your first vanilla-turned-D/s live-in relationship. You had time then to make the transition from vanilla-to-getting-kinkier, to bedroom D/s & BDSM Topping/bottoming activities, to your TPE dynamic.
It is not known how long you have been with your present Mistress, but it would appear you both have rushed into more of a Master/slave dynamic, without first easing into your interactive Domination & submission styles, and developing deeper levels of trust--which takes time to not skip over integrative steps.
Much like the ill-advised impulsiveness of going on a vanilla date that becomes a one-night stand, then turns into shacking up together when one of you moves in the very next day.
Against the odds, some accelerated relationships do pan out with mutual dedication and effort, whereas others unravel or degenerate into a semblance of something other than what was originally intended or envisioned as the relationship ideal.
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When we first became involved I told her that I didn't know my limits with the exception that I am not into extreme pain or things like electric shock etc.
Her preferred methods of physical discipline are spankings and corner time but she also will do things like silent treatment, taking away prviledges (like golf or playing basketball) and she does enjoy some feminization but that can also be fun.
So to answer your question, I would say we have discussed punishment dynamics. I would say that most times correction comes first and if I repeat the offense then it might be followed with punishment for reinforcement.
We recently had an incident with the dishes and she told me she didn't want me to do something a certain way anymore. I will follow her instructions but I also know if I don't there will be consequences.
What I am sensing are mixed-signal messages here. What your Mistress considers discipline/correction or chastisement, you view as punishment.
Whatever she does with you as funishment (for enjoyment), is not for discipline (NOT for enjoyment), and yet you have not made the distinction between these variants.
It is possible she is confusing the implementation of the two or hasn't fully explained it to you, or else expects you to be old and/or experienced enough to know the difference already.
The reason why this matters is because one is for recreation and fosters positive reinforcement; in other words, it rewards desired behavior.
The other is for the purpose of correction and evokes negative reinforcement, and under no circumstances can this be fun or enjoyable to either one of you. Not amusing, not silly, not playful--none of that.
You are already pain-averse and will therefore gravitate toward more hedonistic pleasure-seeking as a result. Like an errant child, whatever you enjoy, secretly enjoy, or find fun, human nature will seek more of.
The pattern that I often see is when Dommes use humiliation as a tool to influence behavior. This can be a very effective tool.
It can also backfire, if the sub gets into humiliation--which will arouse the sub sexually when he gets conditioned to enjoy being humiliated.
Once these sexually humiliating practices excite him, he will passive-aggressively become bratty, unruly or otherwise disobedient in order to seek out what has now morphed into *funishment* for him.
For example, spankings & corner time as funishment would be an ineffective disciplinary measure if the two of you are getting off on this.
For other subs, a spanking would be a Soft Limit, or a last-resort measure of punishment to be taken seriously in order to (re)set things right in the D/s dynamic;
for some subs, spanking is a Hard Limit or a deal breaker and therefore not up for negotiation.
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She does have a daughter who knows of the dynamics of our relationship and she has a group of friends who live the lifestyle to varying degrees. Although her daughter has been around us I was still mortified the first time she came over and I was in the corner. So, I would not say our relationship has been purely private but I am comfortable around others who accept the lifestyle or participate in it.
In my previous relationship I was put in some very embarrassing situations but alwaqys around people who were into D/s.
I have attended fetish parties and have been naked on a leash.
Not to be critical of your D/s-M/s, but are you both on the same page? Do you consider yourself a slave? Does she consider you her slave, whose consent was given once and for all?
One of the first things I learned about effective parenting is to never shame your child in public or in front of others. Discipline is to be done in private, whether it's a reprimand or a scolding.
(To tell you the truth, I have never laid a hand on either one of my sons, never more than a light swat on a padded diapered bottom that they laughed about after testing out my unheeded forewarning.)
If you are not okay with being humiliated in front of others, then you will end up acting out in other ways passive-aggressively, and your Mistress may feel she has no choice but to start micro-managing your life.
Is that what you want, to turn your Mistress into, a control freak? Because if it were me, I'd sooner dump your ass than make my life more complicated than it has to be.
Worst-case scenario, she tires of you, perhaps decides to teach you a lesson in cuckolding or "forced" bi, or beats your ass until it bleeds and tears are streaming down your face.
Wouldn't it be better to be honest up front and put some deep thought into what are your boundaries and limits, then have a heart-to-heart discussion with your Domme partner?
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Your 3rd question you asked why I was punished. We were out with a group of friends who are not openly aware of our dynamic but likely have drawn some conclusions. We had dinner and went to a bar afterwards.
We sat at a table in one room and I went to the restroom. On my way back I ran into two of the guys we were with watching the baseball game at the bar.
Rather than go back to the table i started talking to them and ended up watching the game. I did not return to the table for over an hour and a half.
However, I could see the table and she could see me. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. When the game ended I walked back to the table. One of the guys said, "Do you want one more beer before we go?"
I could tell she was upset so I asked, "Do you mind if I have one more?" She looked at me and in front of her friend she said, "Is that how you ask?" I became a little uncomfortable and saaid, "May I please have another beer?"
She said, "No, you need a lesson in manners." I knew her friend overheard everything although she prentended not to. At that point we said goodbye and left.
After a long night of soul searching that is why I bagan this thread.
Having absolutely nothing to do with D/s-M/s or F/m, your conduct toward your Lady Love was inexcusable. A gentleman does not neglect his date, his steady partner, his SO while they are out as a couple or in a group, and whether you realize it or not, you subconsciously HUMILIATED your Mistress in front of others by showing what a low priority she was in public.
I'd have bitch-slapped you silly in the car, and then whipped your ass when we got home until my riding crop broke in half...and I'm not a sadistic Domme.
Under the circumstances, your Mistress gave you multiple opportunities to redeem yourself and act like the grown middle-aged man that you are and not an immature oaf. She has been more than tolerant and lenient with you.
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I will whisper Mistress to her in public but only so the two of us can hear it. She likes to be called Ma'am and I have never questioned that.
I hope you're good at doing lots of ass-kissing, and brush up on your begging skills while you're at it (has to be convincing, not fakey), then approach her to negotiate the terms of your humility to both of your satisfaction, or to lay down new consensually agreed-upon ground rules.
Start by apologizing and admitting that you were in the wrong. Chances are she is waiting for you to stop acting SO FREAKING DENSE and FULL OF FALSELY SELF-JUSTIFIED HUBRIS. THIS is the REAL LESSON you were meant to learn, kiddo.
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