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Submission and Love - 8/2/2014 7:19:27 AM

MojoDaddyMarine

Posts: 28
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline

Have any of you felt that you can not submit to someone they are in love with, or that they find it difficult when there is love in the dynamic? Just curious if this is a common mental aspect of submission. My sub started a relationship and then later became D/s with great hesitation on her part. She had told me that she had never loved or had any emotional attachment to any of her previous Doms

Post #: 1

RE: Submission and Love - 8/2/2014 8:06:10 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

This shows just how different people are in this lifestyle.
I submitted because I was in love. Without emotional attachment I would have zero desire to submit nor would I.
Love was my motivation factor and kept the relationship alive. If there was no love it would have just been a scene or two and finished.
Emotion is what made it special in my individual case.
I definitely wasn't a lifestyler though. It wasn't something I pursued. It pursued me and I was a vanilla who adjusted to submission for love.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 2

RE: Submission and Love - 8/2/2014 8:16:09 AM

Maybeher

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/2/2013
Status: offline

I have to have the potential to love him, as I learn him my love grows and my submission. I will say in the way the lifestyle is now, some doms are so in a rush or so caught up in trying to have multiple subs / slaves it is safer for the slave or sub to try not to have that connection. But I said some not all.
I still rather love and lose.... Than to not have loved at all. Loves makes it great.

< Message edited by Maybeher -- 8/2/2014 8:20:08 AM >

_____________________________

If you ask someone for something... You're admitting that they have it.

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 3

RE: Submission and Love - 8/2/2014 8:59:39 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

It's the opposite for me and always has been. I can submit to a limited extent to someone I care about but not love. To submit even in a limited sense, I need to have some emotional attachment to the Dom and him to me.

To fully submit to him, I need to love him and him love me also. If the love is not there for both of us, I will hold back and not allow myself to be completely who I am which will turn into a short lived relationship. For a relationship to work out long term for me, I need it all.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 4

RE: Submission and Love - 8/2/2014 9:59:21 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

My guy and I have been in a relationship for two and a half years. Like IHH, we submitted to each other (we switch exclusively with each other) initially without love being there. As time went on, he fell in love with me and I him. It was at this point that I truly felt like I belonged to and owned my guy. For me, the feeling of loving him made the submission to him more meaningful and poignant.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 5

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 4:01:23 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Hmmmmm. Perhaps her previous Doms told her that D/s should not involve love, so they could avoid giving any commitment.

For me, I could easily Top a woman with no relationship in place. But I would consider it wrong to impose rules and structure , etc., without love or at least a strong friendship.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 6

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 4:39:20 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

~ FR ~

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hmmmmm. Perhaps her previous Doms told her that D/s should not involve love, so they could avoid giving any commitment.

For me, I could easily Top a woman with no relationship in place. But I would consider it wrong to impose rules and structure , etc., without love or at least a strong friendship.

DS, this wouldn't apply to either you personally nor to me, but I have heard the following sentiments come out of the mouth of some Dominants (both genders):

-- They could never fall in love with their s-type or see a slave as their equal in marriage.
-- Subs are good enough to use for their sexual or other forms of personal gratification, but not good enough to marry or to make a lifetime commitment with.
-- There are Dommes who refuse to have any sexual contact with their male subs, other than to use as a BDSM playtoy.
-- There are Dommes who will allow oral servicing & worship from their subs, but will only fuck a vanilla partner. I have heard of Dommes who only want to land a "big fish" in marriage.
-- I have been contacted on several occasions by Doms whose opening line is, "Since we are equals, we should get together."

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 7:07:32 AM

eliseobeys

Posts: 68
Joined: 5/5/2014
From: Born in Lebanon but raised all over.
Status: offline

For me in all of my relationships love comes later if at all. Im simply not going to wait around to fall in love before I am with someone vanilla or otherwise. Fortunately I wasn't taught that its a requirement or anything for submission or dominance to take place. In all honesty waiting to be in love before doing anything with others sounds like one of those romanticism's of monogamy that has been brought into the mix since bdsm has become more popularized by the internet.

I did however come to love my owner long before being collared by him, but we also were together almost a year as D/s before making the transition to M/s.

_____________________________

"The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man.
The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' "

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 8

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 10:10:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Total opposite for me. If there was no love, I would never have trusted him enough to give him control over my life.

However I get the feeling by dom, she means top. And yeah, plenty of people have regular play partners without a romantic relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to eliseobeys)

Post #: 9

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 5:36:29 PM

pussycatpussycat

Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline

I can mentally submit to a Dom who I dont love but I have found that with love...it's just soooo much better

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 10

RE: Submission and Love - 8/3/2014 8:15:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eliseobeys

Fortunately I wasn't taught that its a requirement or anything for submission or dominance to take place.

In all honesty waiting to be in love before doing anything with others sounds like one of those romanticism's of monogamy that has been brought into the mix since bdsm has become more popularized by the internet.

Question, did you mean this to be as snotty as it is?

Nobody 'taught' me that love was required. I discovered that I needed it. I come from a sex positive background. Sex positive, but rather lacking in love and commitment.

And it's from seeing all those people chasing Mr Right Now while getting more and more desperately unhappy that I learned there's more to life than sex. And that at the end of the day, when you're lying in a hospital you don't wish you had spent more time with interchangeable partners while you die alone.

I am hard wired monogamous and always have been. There's nothing romantic about not settling for what doesn't work for you. Just a lot of stupidity when people do accept what doesn't make them happy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to eliseobeys)

Post #: 11

RE: Submission and Love - 8/4/2014 1:00:52 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

It's absolutely the opposite for me. Love is an integral part, and a large driving force, of my submission. Without love I wouldn't feel the devotion and desire to please and serve my owner. Without loving him--and being loved in return--I would not see the point of dedicating myself to submitting to him, and giving myself to him.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 12

RE: Submission and Love - 8/4/2014 3:24:11 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eliseobeys

Fortunately I wasn't taught that its a requirement or anything for submission or dominance to take place. In all honesty waiting to be in love before doing anything with others sounds like one of those romanticism's of monogamy that has been brought into the mix since bdsm has become more popularized by the internet.

I did however come to love my owner long before being collared by him, but we also were together almost a year as D/s before making the transition to M/s.

I wasn't taught that love is a requirement either and certainly did not learn it's a requirement "for me" through the internet. I've been in the lifestyle long before the internet became available for public use, needing mutual love in a relationship no matter what type of relationship it is, is simply the way I'm wired.

For me, it will be a short lived relationship if the love isn't there by both of us. I've been down that road, those relationships were fun and fulfilling at first but only for a short time before the need for more in the relationship became apparent, I was no longer happy and content in relationships without love and would move on from them.

Some people need love in a relationship, some people don't, it's simply a matter of whatever works for each person.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to eliseobeys)

Post #: 13

RE: Submission and Love - 8/4/2014 2:50:16 PM

eliseobeys

Posts: 68
Joined: 5/5/2014
From: Born in Lebanon but raised all over.
Status: offline

I meant Dom when I said Dom.

We cohabited together during that year we were not only getting together for sex, the D/s dynamic wasn't an on off casual thing during that time. We just make a distinction between D/s and M/s is all. Each to their own right.

I had no intention to insult anyone as I didn't make my post to anyone in particular, so I apologize if my words are taken as such.

I respect the views of others as applying to their own perspective, please accord me the same right.

As another above me so eloquently said: "Some people need love in a relationship, some people don't, it's simply a matter of whatever works for each person[/u]. "

_____________________________

"The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man.
The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' "

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 14

RE: Submission and Love - 8/5/2014 6:01:57 AM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

In my world, women only let me spank them when they're super-into me.

There exists out there in the bdsm internet ether a fantastical sphere where commanding guys in black leather vests get to spank women just because (usually not super-hot women, tho).

If you can pull of such a feat, my hats off to you -like it is for the few dozen guys on earth who get a women to go gore an.

Wow, nutty spell check here. If even this place won't accept Gorean with small caps, then John Norman is completely over.

(in reply to eliseobeys)

Post #: 15

RE: Submission and Love - 8/5/2014 9:13:43 AM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

^^^ this. It seems the vast majority of men on CM and that other site believe the internet fantasy silliness and genuinely expect it from women who create accounts on these sites. It sucks that the men with the most perceptive views are the ones already in successful relationships. That's probably not a coincidence.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

Post #: 16

RE: Submission and Love - 8/5/2014 11:55:41 AM

SinFix

Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

I personally could not submit for very long without emotions and a connection, it would start to feel too much like role playing to me and it would not keep my attention.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 17

RE: Submission and Love - 8/5/2014 2:03:02 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

I've done it both ways. I've submitted, quite deliberately, to a man that I didn't love, who didn't love me, purely to be used in the most selfish way possible as his fucktoy, and I can say that it was incredibly exciting, objectifying, and I felt myself to be at a point of submission or slavery that I had never felt before. I had no games, no manipulation, I had nothing to take back that he wanted, I simply served him and accepted.

I have also submitted, completely, to a man I loved with all my heart, who I planned to marry, and that was awesome too. Love is not optional to my *life* I need it - but it is optional to my play and my sex.

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 18

RE: Submission and Love - 8/8/2014 5:32:17 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MojoDaddyMarine

Have any of you felt that you can not submit to someone they are in love with, or that they find it difficult when there is love in the dynamic?...

Quite frankly, without love in our D/s dynamic, we might as well not even have an intimate relationship.

In other words, my submissive would be just be a kinky fuckbuddy, and that's not on my radar.

Lust alone won't hack it. Lust isn't enough to keep a committed relationship together, whether vanilla or D/s.

At the very minimum, we would have to feel infatuation for one another, which should develop into deeper feelings of love and deepen our trust levels.

YMMV

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to MojoDaddyMarine)

Post #: 19

RE: Submission and Love - 8/9/2014 8:04:09 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Hmmmmm. Perhaps her previous Doms told her that D/s should not involve love, so they could avoid giving any commitment.

For me, I could easily Top a woman with no relationship in place. But I would consider it wrong to impose rules and structure , etc., without love or at least a strong friendship.

Like DS.....I can "bottom" to a Dom with no relationship in place, but to truly submit to him and give him any type of control, there needs to be some type of emotional connection, and the further the submission goes, the deeper that connection (and love?) needs to go.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

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