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RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 6:53:57 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat
I'm a sub...I like to please, I love knowing my Dom is getting enjoyment out of using me for his pleasure....when he does things which make my body buzz...
its because its what HE wants...not because its what I want......I hope I'm explaining myself?

for me....its the mental submission which drives me and thats a completely different mind set than kink.....which thus far I have found that a lot of
the inexperienced Doms dont know the difference.....but can they learn? And can a sub change where once she didnt have the mental connection,
change so that she does?

Hence why my original question


Yes, and yes.
If I understand you correctly, what you really need in a dominant man to get you to "feel more submissive" is for him to be
more selfish than the men you have had relationships with in the past, not necessarily more experienced. And I can somewhat
relate to how you feel less submissive if he is doing things mostly for your pleasure, instead of him having that primal instinct to just take
you and ravish you until he's had his fill. There is nothing more "buzzy" than being thoroughly and properly used.

However, I wouldn't be too quick to toss out potential matches simply because they seem to be catering more to your pleasure
than theirs. What you have to remember is, it's his choice how he wants to use you, and there are many Dominant men out there
that get off on getting you off. Dominant men need that mental connection just as much as we do, and they don't always get there by
selfish physical gratification. Perhaps instead of just hoping he can learn to be more selfish, you can also learn to find that fuzzy feeling
by realizing you are catering to his dominance by allowing him to do whatever he wants, however he wants.
Hopefully, you can find a happy medium somewhere, but don't disregard his method of feeding his dominance.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 7:05:37 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		I was in the same boat with a mistress that had ZERO experience or knowledge. But I liked her as a person so much things progressed very nicely. Yeah it was not very subby fulfilling in the beginning. But as time went on her confidence grew and things turned out friggin wonderful after 6 months or so.

Sometimes.the vanilla aspects are overlooked as to what can be a good Ds relationship.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/6/2014 8:16:01 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Same here. Deprogramming & reprogramming is such a hassle for these menu-driven subs and/or bottoms. Many of the so-called Dominant women they've hired aren't even Dommes, just service Tops, and these men have twisted ass-backwards concepts of what a D/s dynamic entails or why they should devote themselves to one Mistress as an owned/collared sub, they've grown so accustomed to having their kinks & fetishes catered to. They genuinely believe that lifestyle Dommes should cater to their neediness... at their convenience.


You nailed it Fiery, LOL. Especially your last comment. It's tedious just reading some of the emails and profiles, and especially disappointing when you know you and a sub would hit if off (IF ONLY HE HADN'T HAD THAT PREVIOUS D). Or (IF ONLY HE HADN'T BEEN OD-ING ON BDSM PORN BEFORE FINALLY GETTING THE GUTS TO CREATE A PROFILE). Some are amazingly compatible in a vanilla sense until you start talking lifestyle and then you feel all the hairs on the back of your neck raise and your skin crawl, LOL.
When you have threads saying "HOW DO YOU DATE A DOMME?", it's like "Houston, we have a problem!" Most of the best young subs I have interacted with have stated that they will try to date vanilla because just the search in itself has been disappointing. I can relate. A profile on vanilla sites usually sends the single fellas in vanilla land flocking but on here you get the "You're so lucky to have me serve you, how lucky are you that I'm interested in you" subs.

And Gauge, I too was mentored by TWO subs. In the use of rope and in the introduction to the lifestyle. Thankfully my sub was really nice, eager and was a boyscout and he didn't mind that I was a newbie. Going through the newbie-ism in a public setting would have been mortifying for me due to the silent judgements that pussycat is simply bringing to the forefront. Compatibility is always my keyword when this lifestyle is concerned.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/7/2014 3:50:16 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat
I'm a sub...I like to please, I love knowing my Dom is getting enjoyment out of using me for his pleasure....when he does things which make my body buzz...
its because its what HE wants...not because its what I want......I hope I'm explaining myself?

for me....its the mental submission which drives me and thats a completely different mind set than kink.....which thus far I have found that a lot of
the inexperienced Doms dont know the difference.....but can they learn? And can a sub change where once she didnt have the mental connection,
change so that she does?

Hence why my original question


Yes, and yes.
If I understand you correctly, what you really need in a dominant man to get you to "feel more submissive" is for him to be
more selfish than the men you have had relationships with in the past, not necessarily more experienced. And I can somewhat
relate to how you feel less submissive if he is doing things mostly for your pleasure, instead of him having that primal instinct to just take
you and ravish you until he's had his fill. There is nothing more "buzzy" than being thoroughly and properly used.

However, I wouldn't be too quick to toss out potential matches simply because they seem to be catering more to your pleasure
than theirs. What you have to remember is, it's his choice how he wants to use you, and there are many Dominant men out there
that get off on getting you off. Dominant men need that mental connection just as much as we do, and they don't always get there by
selfish physical gratification. Perhaps instead of just hoping he can learn to be more selfish, you can also learn to find that fuzzy feeling
by realizing you are catering to his dominance by allowing him to do whatever he wants, however he wants.
Hopefully, you can find a happy medium somewhere, but don't disregard his method of feeding his dominance.
I liked what you stated about what the op described, poise and your advice about taking a longer look at each dominant, especially those who show some care and concern.

Sometimes, when I am reading these boards, I can understand where confusion comes into play on both sides of the kneel: "the submissive's needs must be taken care of but her wants and desires are taken care of at the dominant's discretion". "But...one of my needs is knowing that, for him, it is NOT all about him". "But...If he's too much into taking care of me, it begins to feel too vanilla". And on and on...in my time on collarme/space, I've seen all those comments and more, many of them contradictory.

It's been MY experience that you rarely run into a submissive who is more "into" the dominant that IS on the "selfish" side, at least from the get-go. Because it seems that when you are first learning the ropes, it is expected that concern for the submissive's safety extend over into concern for her mental and emotional state too. While that should...in MY opinion...be there, so should the "selfishness" spoken of by the op and theirwell-described above by poise. Tis a fine line to walk sometimes, though...

In the end, it comes down to learning all you can and then, putting it together in a way that suits you. Somewhere, there is a dominant/submissive that will match that 'you'. I started out as a "finally...I'm free!" very hedonistic dominant...moved to a very sadistic but very solicitous dominance and am now settling into a state of "selfish but loving, demands a lot but gives a lot" dominance (read the profile) whose mantra is "I'd rather be happy and satisfied alone than with someone and miserable (because what makes me right one day makes me wrong the next)". Now, that might sound selfish to some, arrogant to others, crabby to still more...but it just may (and does) sound fine to others.


< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 8/7/2014 4:27:18 AM >

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/7/2014 4:45:57 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat
I dont think there is any 'true' Dom or sub...it all depends on what everyone is searching for but for me....its the mental submission which drives me and thats a completely different mind set than kink.....which thus far I have found that a lot of the inexperienced Doms dont know the difference.....but can they learn? And can a sub change where once she didnt have the mental connection, change so that she does?



I'm in my early 50's and I rewrote my profile to include distinctions. As a Switch, there's some "extra" clarification required, but all of the labels need to be described on an individual basis. I no longer read, "Dom" and think I know what that means. I have to ask a LOT of questions before I know what a man means when he writes that word. It's just a starting point.

And, yes, I believe they can learn the differences between Dominant, Master, Top, Sadist and Switch. If a person is "stuck in their ways" or is always "the smartest person in the room," then I would hold no hope for their ability, or motivation, to learn. So, that's a vanilla question, IMO.

As for subs changing... same as above. If the submissive knows THE way to be submissive... then that person is highly unlikely to change. But, as in any relationship, people do grow and change.

If a submissive isn't feeling submissive, but likes the person in a vanilla way, then I'd say keep dating or keep the friendship going, until the urge to submit appears. Not, a willingness to commit to submitting to that person, but until the actual desire presents itself. I would NOT enter into a D/s relationship in the hope that through time, things will change. Grow, yes. Change, no.

There's not a whole lot written on the boards about those beginning steps other than the superficial admonishments to take the time it takes and don't jump in. And, many posts show disappointment over a potential LTR, turning sour. So, these tips are meant for those seeking a BDSM style, LTR and by following these steps, the answers to the questions you ask will become clear:

1) Take a long time to learn about each other via email ONLY.

2) Keep it vanilla - completely vanilla. How often do we know if others want a finger up their butts before we know their names and addresses and careers?

3) Meet in Real Life and be friendly.

4) Be friends

5) Date, if there's an attraction

6) Discuss plans, goals and values. See if you match on a deeper level.

7) Discuss BDSM related topics, in general.

8) If it's time to commit to one another, then commit.

9) After being in a vanilla relationship for a while, discuss BDSM as it relates to you, specifically and to each other, as a potential BDSM couple.

10) Go for it! Perhaps begin by taking workshops through local clubs on contracts, negotiations and safety issues.

For the "struck by lightening" or "just playing" crowd, I have no advice. I've done it and seen it and know it's not for me. I believe that bottoming or Topping can be adult fun, but when you get into the realm of Dominance and submission... the risk of extreme, deep and prolonged heart - rip (not ache) is too high, to "jump in."

Recently, I read a definition of an educated person: A person who not only learns from their own mistakes but who also has the ability to learn from the mistakes of others. Every newbie should have that tattooed across their hearts!

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/7/2014 6:37:56 PM   
pussycatpussycat


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/15/2013
Status: offline 		I think everyone is assuming that I dont have a Dom....which I do.

I'm not looking for advice....I'm just curious if there are any experienced female subs who have played with an inexperienced male Dom, where its been a successful relationship.
There seem to be many Dommes and male subs who are putting their hands up.....which I already knew about because I did a search in the forums before asking the question....it's not unusual for an inexperienced Domme to dominate an experienced male sub.

Everyone keeps saying that yes....of course it can happen if they arent set in their ways, open minded etc etc I dont disagree with any of that, never have done...but I am also asking if there are actually ANY people out there who are in or have been in a lengthy relationship where it started off with an experienced female sub with an inexperienced male Dom?

Now it could be that just because I'm in a different age bracket......when I was younger (in my 20's), things were different, I was different...gee in those days I used to instigate the kink play...I call those days my vanilla days and I was the one tying my boyfriend up, teasing, taunting him....blindfolds, waxplay etc ...hell....it was a lot of fun (some wonderful memories lol).....but I dont want that now.....its the mental connection which drives me....the kink is secondary and the kink play is heightened because of the D/s mental connection which is something I havent been able to find in inexperienced older Doms who are newish to bdsm....maybe its just the men who I have met....maybe its me

Hence my question

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/7/2014 7:17:06 PM   
quizzicalkitten


Posts: 312
Status: offline 		Pussykatpussykat its you....

I have brought several doms in the life and helped them learn and grow before I realized I wasnt happy as a submissive.

Your judgmental nature on others and how they should be and theres only your way is the main problem you have not their inexperience.

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/7/2014 8:49:10 PM   
RetiredDomNeedsU


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/31/2011
Status: offline 		I as all here have an opinion and I have had relationships mainly in my early years with subs of similar levels of experience to me. I would of course liked to have had some more experienced Sub help show me the ropes but I think that once I would try and exert the control over her, then that mental connection would be broken as she would be in tutor mode and as such not look at me as her Dom. In theory it should be possible to occur, but as with most things possible doesn't necessarily mean that it can happen.

Just my view.

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/8/2014 2:51:41 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		Yes I have had three main relationships in which I was the experienced sub and they were an inexperienced Dom.

There are pitfalls and unexpected bonuses.

Pitfalls from him and you. Obviously, he will be less skilled as a Dom - in play, giving orders, knowing how to read a sub, being unsure of what his preferences are. Given time, encouragement, perhaps a mentor all of these can and will be overcome.

Pitfalls from you - second guessing him, comparing and contrasting him to other Doms, being dissatisfied with what you have, unreasonable expectations, etc.

These pitfalls can easily be overcome, but they all start with you. The first time I was with an inexperienced Dom, I ruined it by all of the pitfalls listed above. I just had it in my mind that he was rubbish and it wasn't what I wanted. Years later, when he had two slaves and I met him at a play party, we played and I was amazed by how good he was. It made me realise that he needed room to grow into his own Dom and I never gave him that, and that I missed out on being with a great Dom because of it.

Now when I am with an inexperienced Dom, I try to walk a very fine line; I give them as much information and feedback and encouragement as they want BUT I let them make their own decisions about what they want to do and how. Even if I absolutely hate it and hate the way they do something and think it could be much better (for me) I say nothing unless it poses an actual risk to my health. Afterwards I thank them and show my appreciation as a submissive. I focus on telling them what was great and what I really enjoyed. I have found that following this approach gives two benefits - they DO learn to be better very quickly and they do it without me knocking their confidence or making them feel judged and criticised. Secondly and most importantly, I learn to enjoy doing things THEIR way, which may be different to how I expected them to do it. This bonds us together as Dom and sub and leads to the unexpected bonuses.

When you play with a new Dom - you may be their first sub / first love / first slave and that is incredibly powerful for them. Remember the first Dom you loved and how magical it seemed at the time? (May not apply to everyone.) Everything will be the first time they had that pleasure with someone and how mindblowing it was to go on that rollercoaster, and you will be the one going on it with them. It can be wonderful watching someone take their first steps on this path, and remind you of how you felt in the beginning. They will feel like you are the only one they can express this part of themselves with, like you were made for them and that is a lovely feeling.

I used to be very prejudiced about not playing with new Doms (and I still avoid the annoying new ones) but now I think there is much to be enjoyed by being with a new Dom and I wouldn't let their lack of experience put me off, if everything else was right about them.

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/8/2014 4:52:44 AM   
areallivehuman


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		I had near zero experience when I met a great woman who was very much into the lifestyle. I believe it worked because I was looking for a relationship, not play; coupled with the fact that I am naturally dominant. Also helped that we are both good, mature people in our 50's.

I was a bit nervous at the start, but decided that I would go about it at my own pace. I did nothing that made me uncomfortable, paid attention, and used my brain. Also I made a point of talking about our.....sessions.....the next day, asking her what she remembered, what she thought about this or that, was there anything she disliked, you know, communicating.

I did make a point to NOT ask questions during, I went ahead and did what I thought was right at the time. Nor did I try anything too advanced, e.g. needles, blood, electro, etc.

Most of this would apply to two people in a relationship,I am not sure if it would translate into casual play. If you're a new dom, I'd suggest following your instincts and using your brain.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/9/2014 7:16:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The thing the op is missing is that any dom she meets has spent decades being told never to hit a girl, never to push one around, never to be selfish but to share and take turns. Yet she expects this programming to be overcome in an hour after she tells him she wants a dom.

Never going to happen.

Now, if she isn't so selfish as to demand that he does that overnight but instead understands that this is a huge change in his behavior, and that he will need not criticism but positive reinforcement, it can easily happen.

It's more likely however that he will find someone else who is willing to be submissive to him, to be supportive of him, and to whom he will then commit and have a long lasting d/s relationship. Simply because she isn't demanding a service top but is in fact interested in submitting to him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to areallivehuman)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/12/2014 12:26:59 AM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pussycatpussycat

I wasnt asking about the man my friend is seeing.....I used him as an example of several (many? lol) men I have met in the past.....maybe its the age range we are in, me my late 40's, her, early 50's.....there are a lot of men in our age range who are new to bdsm, they have been vanilla married for many years, now divorced and have been fantsizing about bdsm for a long while.
Ok.....years ago, I met up with a Dom who'd been vanilla married, now single and exploring..... and had some experience...I really liked him....the kink was fun BUT there was no mental submission....I saw him a few times and didnt know why I couldnt mentally submit...I did some analysing and realised that he was doing play which he thought I wanted for my enjoyment.....now I know Doms do do some things the sub wants but its because they are eliciting a response for their enjoyment, not for hers...
I'm a sub...I like to please, I love knowing my Dom is getting enjoyment out of using me for his pleasure....when he does things which make my body buzz...its because its what HE wants...not because its what I want......I hope I'm explaining myself?

I used to hope that when I was inexperienced, I could meet the Dom I could grow and learn with but it didnt work out that way....I'm not stubborn and set in my ways...Ive found that I change depending on the Dom I am seeing.....what was great with one, then pales and disappears from my mind when seeing another.
I dont think there is any 'true' Dom or sub...it all depends on what everyone is searching for but for me....its the mental submission which drives me and thats a completely different mind set than kink.....which thus far I have found that a lot of the inexperienced Doms dont know the difference.....but can they learn? And can a sub change where once she didnt have the mental connection, change so that she does?

Hence why my original question





pussycat

I also used your example guy as an example... of what a new Dominant looks and sounds like. IMO, he's got the foundation of Dominance in his character, as described in your OP. He may be experienced in kink, but that doesn't mean he's experienced in every potential submissive's kinks, but that won't matter because he's a man who takes responsibility for learning. (also, when starting a thread, it's helpful to keep in mind that some experienced posters write a response knowing that many who never post here, are asking the same question as the OP, so they write what is important for anyone to know, on that particular topic)

Yes, as a newbie Domme, I topped WAY more experienced submissives. And, I thought nothing of it because that is how people around me learned, too. People, in general, learn from the more experienced, but think of a job in which a new boss was brought in and the support staff knew way more. Does knowing more make them leadership or management material? No. Same in BDSM.

You say there's a difference between kink and submission (they are different to me, too), but for some people, like... a masochistic submissive, the Topping skills of a Dominant are going to matter a lot. For those who relate in D/s ways that are neither sexual, nor sadomasochistic, Topping skills are irrelevant. As you describe yourself, it seems that Topping skills DO light your submissive fire. And, that's fine.

The most important part of what I bolded in your post, is the idea that "Doms do things for their own pleasure." No. Some Doms do and some Doms don't. Some submissives like to be pleased by their Doms by setting limits on what pleases the Dominant. Meaning, if I, as a Domme, am pleased by my submissive's ability to know his/her own body, sexual responses and to talk about them with me, then that is what I'd expect my submissive to do. To be told that they only want me to dominate in the way they deem appropriate, well, how's that pleasing? Unless I like being Topped from the bottom, emotionally.

So, I think this is a matter of thinking that NOW you know how Doms are, when in fact, they simply aren't that limited and don't fit into a box. Nor, are submissives. You can read here on the boards about those who renounce (usually it's the guys) a man whose attitude is "it's all about me." Men like that are often called, "selfish," "immature," and in no way, "dominant." Then, others beg to differ on that point. So, my conclusion... it's about compatibility. If you choose to believe that a Dom is a person who is all about their own pleasure and a submissive is all about the Doms pleasure, then you can surely find a match.

Because of sexism and patriarchy, the experience of older men is going to be one of lost entitlements, so they miss women who agree with that mindset. Younger men have less experience with entitlements, so when they come to BDSM, they may actually learn to "take their due."

Having said all of that, I repeat the question... "At the heart of your question, aren't you asking if a Dominant has to be superior to the submissive, to be successful in tapping into a submissive's tendencies?"

(in reply to pussycatpussycat)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/19/2014 2:27:09 AM   
Maverickxx4


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/25/2014
Status: offline 		OP. I guess it depends on the sub. If you are happy with a guy who thrashes everything in sight because it's all about him then you should find no lack of offers. But if you want someone who wants to ensure your needs are fulfilled aswell as his own then I guess that takes a little time and effort, as your friend is experiencing. And there is no shortcut. As every woman seems to have slightly different needs, dom experience goes out of the window because he is effectively starting afresh each time.

Take spanking. If you are a pain-slut then putting you across the knee and giving you a thrashing is fine because you will lap it up. But what if you hate pain? What if your thrill is pushing your luck until it runs out. In that case the first approach is totally wrong because the guy needs to be giving you chances to misbehave before coming down on you like a ton of bricks.

When your friend's dom met your friend he wouldn't have a clue which approach suited her, so to feel his way gradually with her guidance seems the right approach for a successful longterm relationship. But as always on here...each to their own. As for me, I think there is a lot of life to be lived outside the kink scene so would much rather have someone I totally care for with kink added, than be with someone I'm not keen on just because they are happy to do what I want.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/19/2014 8:20:13 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I'll answer again.

I was an experienced female bottom and sub. I no longer identify as a submissive, but for for the purpose of answering this- lets got with that term.

My CURRENT MAN OF 4 YEARS- didn't have any experience at all. I feel submissive to him in bed every time. Of course at first it took a lot to get him to understand how far he could go- but there is nothing wrong with taking your time, as a sub, I respected and did as he wanted.


We, however, are bedroom only, as neither of us are interested in power dynamic outside of the bedroom. So anything I say can't cross over into that arena.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/22/2014 2:50:42 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		The way it works for me, and I honestly haven't yet read every post so I might be parroting, is that my experience of power exchange comes more from what I feel from a person, and doesn't have so much to do with experience. I am drawn to people who give off something that makes me feel submissive around them. I can't quantify that, so I don't try to. Everything I experience comes through that lens. If he wants to learn something new, I enjoy being part of that, even if I've played with people in the past who were more experienced. Because it's about HIM, and not so much about what he can do, or what he claims he can do.

Experience is sometimes difficult to quantify - experience with S&M play but not relationships? Experience with relationships but different kinds other than power exchange? Experience playing with revolving-door dungeon partners but not a stable partner? Experience where/what/how/why etc etc etc.


< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 8/22/2014 2:51:39 AM >

_____________________________

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/22/2014 4:26:22 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		LILLY!!!!

smoochsmoochsmooch

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/22/2014 11:10:49 AM   
SweetlySadistic1


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/25/2014
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I remember one very interesting play partners dynamic I was in. In the beginning, I was a pretty new submissive & new to kink altogether and he was a mostly Dominant switch. And he had a lot more experience on both sides of the slash. We were really good together. Then I started getting the itch to switch. Eventually I became completely Domme and, during that same time period, his more subly switch side came to the forefront. I was grossly inexperienced as a Domme of course, but I learned a LOT from him. We were play partners for, oh, over four years. I had had another relationship at the same time and it all worked out. It ended eventually. He never told me he was married & I had no clue he was, until he made a slip of the tongue and then I broke it off.

SweetlySadistic1

_____________________________

On CM since December 2008. I have a new username now.

Formerly NiceButMeanGirl.

MissBossyPants57 on FL

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/24/2014 10:00:48 AM   
VisvicisPen


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/18/2011
Status: offline 		This is a really classic problem. Honestly as a dom, I tell subs that it's kind of disheartening how it seems people don't really think of how there's so many difficulties for the dom as there can be for subs. Think of what it's like to be a dom, it's part of WHO you are, but, people treat you like you're not allowed to do it or be it without being referred to as "less than" because you have't got a harem's list of subs to brag about.

What I would suggest is what I'd suggest to any human being, put yourslef in their shoes, flip the situation and imagine if it were you. Imagine you are a sub, you really have it as a part of the core of who you are, and you want to just be yourself, and here you are with this person you like, and want them to approve of you, respect you for your subness, appreciate it, but....they look at you and go "oh man i don't know....you don't have experience do you? i don't think it'll work, I really need an experience sub, only an experienced sub can properly serve me". It would be pretty horrible.

The are a human, and all doms, ALL doms, are in that position at some point, being a dom, but being inexperienced, and it not really being their fault at all, it's just where they are on their journey.

I can say from what I've experienced that as a dom I always appreciate a sub that considers me and my side, instead of expecting me to be a greek statue of premade perfection.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/26/2014 3:54:13 AM   
LockheedMartin


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/4/2014
Status: offline 		Every time a relationship starts, neither person has any experience of each other:) Isn't that the excitement/beauty/pleasure of something new?

Second DarkSteven....LILLY smooch smooch....you said it so well.





(in reply to VisvicisPen)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Experienced sub submitting to an inexperienced Dom - 8/26/2014 2:24:42 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The thing the op is missing is that any dom she meets has spent decades being told never to hit a girl, never to push one around, never to be selfish but to share and take turns. Yet she expects this programming to be overcome in an hour after she tells him she wants a dom.



I'm in a somewhat different scenario - not a lifestyle d/s but strictly limited to play - but this is exactly what has surfaced in my current relationship. We both have almost exclusively bottomed in prior relationships, and both exploring things from the top side. He's confessed to me that although he's come to enjoy some top things he has that internal conflict of "wait, isn't this wrong?" I feel the same when I top.

I think a major part of gaining experience as a dom/top is learning what boundaries are really there in terms of force and possibly pain. Naturally it won't be the same for every sub.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 40
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