njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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Cobalt-
I realize you may not be in a position to see a therapist (If I remember, you are living at home, your mom is resistant to you seeing someone on her health insurance, if I remember correctly) but one of the things I'll tell you is that in my experience it is next to impossible to do this alone, without help, it is just too big a deal. At times I can remember being so scared and paralyzed, that if it hadn't been with the help of my therapist, I would have been locked away in the jail I made for myself (my first time 'out' I met her for dinner at a women's bar/restaurant). The net is wonderful in so many ways, there is so much stuff out there, but it is like reading a book about exercising rather than exercising, it won't do you any good until you do it. It is good you are thinking about yourself, it is good to try and figure out who you are, but it is very difficult from what I experienced and saw. There are things you can do, give your limitations, and several other people , DarkSteven and others, hit the nail on the head with in my opinion, and that is you not only need to figure out who you are, you kind of have to come up with a life plan.
You feel you aren't what you are living as, so the next step is to look and say "how do I explore this? How do I get to where I can figure this out?". Living at home is all great and good, but it also is stifling for many people, unless they have the kind of home where they feel safe talking about things like this (which is pretty rare, though getting better, lot of kids are getting support at home who might be trans), it is not beneficial.
You are young, which raises challenges (not working, maybe in school (?), still supported by your family, and to be honest,that is probably problem number 1. What do you want to do in terms of work? Are you in college, getting a degree, or are you working, or are you at home, not sure what to do? Being young has advantages, you won't face what many of us did, trying to do this after establishing lives, careers, families, doing it after living many years as a man (or woman for a F to M), being young has that opportunity as well as the challenges. If you are going to try and explore this path (remember, it is a journey, and like most journeys getting there is often more valuable than the destination) you need to become independent, to have the resources and the freedom to find who you are, to get away from an environment you have described as not supportive. It may not seem like 'transitioning', but all trans folks have at least at the back of their heads what they will do if they transition, and jobs are a biggie. You may think like there is nothing you can do other than think, but you have the ability, right now, to think about what you want to do, maybe a job you think would be a good one to transition in, and start working towards it. Maybe it would be getting a job that could get your foot in the door, maybe it would be taking classes if not in school, maybe it would be finishing a degree.....it might seem mundane, but guess what, that is an even more major consideration than it is for 'ordinary' people your age, and it is part of the process.
Likewise, things are not going to happen by osmosis. Hopefully you have your own transportation, I seem to recall you live in the DC area, there are LGBT community centers/groups all over the place, including northern Virginia. Google is great at this kind of thing, and there are listings of transgender support groups, LGBT centers and the like, find some in your area, and given them a call/reach out. Many of them offer counseling and support that won't cost you anything, and they probably have lists of therapists, many of whom operate on a sliding scale, including some who may work pro bono for patients like yourself who don't have resources. If you could get some kind of job, you could probably hook up with a sliding scale therapist to work with you. When I did support groups, it wasn't like we were all white collar professionals who had the means to pay for therapy and such, for every one of us, there were plenty of people like yourself, young, struggling and questioning. The thing is, they found the center I was at, and that is one of the keys, you have access to the net, to the phone, instead of sitting at home 'thinking' you also can be doing something about getting help...and I can't underestimate how important that is, ti is huge. Just getting on the phone, talking to someone for referrals, maybe finding a support group, is huge, as will be planning for your independence. I can tell you that the net, and all the forums and chat rooms and such, while they can be helpful also are a kind of false reality, it is very easy to sit there posting on those groups, those forums, chatting as 'ourselves', is also kind of like using drugs to numb emotional pain, it seems to work, but in the end keeps you from doing what you need to do. You might not think you have a lot of options to do anything, but you do, and I highly encourage you to use the net to find resources, to find LGBT groups, if simply to call for referals, maybe find groups, and start your journey. The biggest one is to find a way to get independent and get the heck away from living at home, of all the things I can see, that is huge, because among other things, it takes away a big excuse not to do anything.......one of the things I found quite common, including in myself, is to use other excuses to keep from exploring this, exploring this is scary as hell, it is frightening to think of going down this path, how hard it is, how fraught it is, and a natural reaction is to try and find ways not to do it....put it this way, it took me several years in therapy before I dared go out fully presenting as Lauren, to seek out help at a LGBT group and so forth, but once I did it a lot opened up:)
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To All Non-Op MtFs, You Are Not Alone. - 
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