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RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 8:20:08 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50


But there is a balance between the two. If I absolutely despise enemas and watersports and that's ALL he wants to do. I don't care how damned "submissive" I am, there is going to be a point where I'm going to say "this is enough, I don't like this anymore".


Of course there is. There are certain things that I would not classify as "limits", but honestly, if I never did them again, my life would be absolutely splendid. I liken this to dragging my prior Dom to a museum. If it was an exhibit that I really wanted to see *with him*, I would press the issue and he would go. However, I couldn't imagine doing that to him on even a semi-regular basis. Why? Because he let it be known that he would much prefer doing just about anything else in the world than stand in a museum on a Saturday afternoon. And, it was not a big deal, because there were plenty of other things to do that we would mutually enjoy.

My current *whatever* has a pretty good idea of those things that really don't float my boat, for whatever reason. Fortunately, we seem to be compatible enough that these interests align between us. My philosophy is this: it's one thing to do these things on occasion, but once they become part of the routine, there is an issue. I will do them to make him happy...but, really, if he's not all that jazzed about them either, my ultimate question would be "why are you doing this ALL the time?". To me, that's indicative of someone that ultimately doesn't give a shit about my feelings, so it would definitely time to re-evaluate the relationship.


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
No...the D shouldn't "cater" to the s, but at the same time it would be nice, as DaddySatyr mentioned, to be included in the "relationship" and have some of my wants and desires met.


For me, that's an absolute necessity. If I am not getting my wants and desires met, whatever they may be, what in the world am I doing in this relationship to begin with?


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

If it were not important for the D to indulge the s in some of her wants and desires, and this was the way most D/s relationships operated, then what would be the purpose of the s having any discriminatory taste or standards for deciding who she is going to submit to? If I had absolutely no expectations of what I might receive from the Dominant, if my one and only concern was my service to him and only that he is happy, with no consideration for myself, then why should I even bother having any selective standards for who might be the right Master for me? If all I'm ever going to think about is serving him and making sure he is completely happy, with no thoughts toward my own fulfillment (because after all, simply serving him in any way I can is the only thing that gives me pleasure) then why would it even matter WHO I decided to serve? Because as far as I'm concerned....I've had a few different dicks in my mouth and as far as I'm concerned, they all have felt and tasted "close enough" the same that it really didn't matter who it is. And if all he is going to see me as is a cum dump, then he's just another dick in my mouth.


You have echoed my thoughts on this exactly. Which is why compatibility is so important to me. IMO, it's WAY more than a simple discussion about "limits"...it's working hard to get to know a person, and seeing if their views jive with mine-- in all aspects of life.


quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

If he wants true heartfelt dedication and service, then I have to know that he also has my interests in mind at least some of the time. As unsubmissive as that might sound.


I don't believe that's "unsubmissive" at all.

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 8:47:55 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

The fact of the matter is, there are some things I like, some things I don't like, some things I hate and some things that I absolutely despise.


Right, I'm sure. Those are the "hard limits"
quote:

The other fact is that, yes, I do get most of my pleasure from knowing I am pleasing him.

But there is a balance between the two. If I absolutely despise enemas and watersports and that's ALL he wants to do. I don't care how damned "submissive" I am, there is going to be a point where I'm going to say "this is enough, I don't like this anymore".

Soft limit.

quote:

No...the D shouldn't "cater" to the s, but at the same time it would be nice, as DaddySatyr mentioned, to be included in the "relationship" and have some of my wants and desires met.

What are these wants and desires? I am interested as I like most things kink centric. (Genuine question.)
quote:

If it were not important for the D to indulge the s in some of her wants and desires, and this was the way most D/s relationships operated, then what would be the purpose of the s having any discriminatory taste or standards for deciding who she is going to submit to? If I had absolutely no expectations of what I might receive from the Dominant, if my one and only concern was my service to him and only that he is happy, with no consideration for myself, then why should I even bother having any selective standards for who might be the right Master for me?

Again, this all falls under hard and soft limits and compatibility so I'm confused.
quote:

If all I'm ever going to think about is serving him and making sure he is completely happy, with no thoughts toward my own fulfillment (because after all, simply serving him in any way I can is the only thing that gives me pleasure) then why would it even matter WHO I decided to serve? Because as far as I'm concerned....I've had a few different dicks in my mouth and as far as I'm concerned, they all have felt and tasted "close enough" the same that it really didn't matter who it is. And if all he is going to see me as is a cum dump, then he's just another dick in my mouth.

I'm sorry, but this kind of makes me think you're not even considering the conversation involving limits, at all.
quote:


If he wants true heartfelt dedication and service, then I have to know that he also has my interests in mind at least some of the time. As unsubmissive as that might sound.

Actually your interests should be in mind all of the time, including things that he might know about you that you are unaware of yourself. Everything executed should be for the dynamic between the two of you to grow stronger daily, I would like to believe.



But the question isn't about "limits". I think there is a difference between "limits" (what I don't like or won't do) and "being catered to" (having things my way all or most of the time). There is a difference between "fulfillment" and "limits".

I never mentioned "hard limits"....I simply said "things I despise"....those aren't necessarily hard limits, they may not be "limits" at all. They could still very well be things that I will do for my Master....I just need to take a deep breath and grit my teeth to get through it. I despise wrestling and horror movies, but if my Master wants to watch wrestling every Monday night and horror movies ever Friday night, and wants me by his side, then I will still do it.

I'm simply saying that if the majority of the relationship is him requiring me to do things on that end of the spectrum, and his philosophy is that my only purpose in life should be to serve him and make him happy with no thought of my own enjoyment....and if most Doms felt the same way....so that I, as a slave, should have no expectations of my needs and desires being met.....then what would be the point of my having any selective process in deciding who I serve?

quote:


What are these wants and desires? I am interested as I like most things kink centric. (Genuine question.)


I really don't want to bore everyone here with those things.....but that's why I have a profile.

quote:


including things that he might know about you that you are unaware of yourself


Ok....I'm actually going to post this on another thread....because I am dying to know....what could he possibly know about me that I am not already aware of? I've known myself for at least 48 years longer than any Dom will ever know me, and I think I know myself pretty damned well, so how could know something about myself that I don't already know?



_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 8:59:12 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

Of course there is. There are certain things that I would not classify as "limits", but honestly, if I never did them again, my life would be absolutely splendid. I liken this to dragging my prior Dom to a museum. If it was an exhibit that I really wanted to see *with him*, I would press the issue and he would go. However, I couldn't imagine doing that to him on even a semi-regular basis. Why? Because he let it be known that he would much prefer doing just about anything else in the world than stand in a museum on a Saturday afternoon. And, it was not a big deal, because there were plenty of other things to do that we would mutually enjoy.


I get a lot of what you were saying,but roles reversed, if there was an activity he enjoyed such as a weekend activity and he asked that you participate, I am certain you would.
Here's my issue with a lot of what people are saying, a lot of it actually aligns with my personal beliefs, however I do not believe the roles of D/s or M/s are ever blurred, even when my prior D and I would spend HOURSSSSSSSSSSS at the beach and everyone would tell me what a good girlfriend I am to relax on the sand for that long in the shade, hit the pool, socialize with friends, while he played volleyball. That was his thing and had been his thing for a long time. I accommodated HIM, not vice versa. My answer would almost always be yes if we were invited somewhere because I knew such activities brought him joy and none of those people would EVER guess that I'm an introvert. However if I wanted to even purchase a dress, I would call and ask his permission and even then if it was slightly over a decided budget I would try to compromise in order to stay within those guidelines. Makes sense, right?

A D once told me the definition of a "bad sub" is one who lazily does 4 of 7 required tasks or mixes up the step by step process and then feels no sense of remorse or obligation for it. I feel the same way, the outlined rules should be followed within the relationship.
However not everyone is as strict as I am but I hold my subs to the same standard I hold for myself.

When you are having a fantasy wishlist for your Dom, it is a form of topping from the bottom unless you are a bottom or kinkster. Otherwise you would simply allow him to lead and you follow and if there is an issue there is a conversation where there is understanding on both sides. The D's fantasies should be catered to and I see the sub's fantasies being catered to as something that should be thrown in the mix but not consistent or predictable. There has to be some kind of reward/ punishment protocol.


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 9:10:29 AM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

But the question isn't about "limits". I think there is a difference between "limits" (what I don't like or won't do) and "being catered to" (having things my way all or most of the time). There is a difference between "fulfillment" and "limits".

I never mentioned "hard limits"....I simply said "things I despise"....those aren't necessarily hard limits, they may not be "limits" at all. They could still very well be things that I will do for my Master....I just need to take a deep breath and grit my teeth to get through it. I despise wrestling and horror movies, but if my Master wants to watch wrestling every Monday night and horror movies ever Friday night, and wants me by his side, then I will still do it.

Right,that makes sense, and I define all "hates" within a D/s relationship as "hard limits", as a heads up, including vanilla ones.

quote:

I'm simply saying that if the majority of the relationship is him requiring me to do things on that end of the spectrum, and his philosophy is that my only purpose in life should be to serve him and make him happy with no thought of my own enjoyment....and if most Doms felt the same way....so that I, as a slave, should have no expectations of my needs and desires being met.....then what would be the point of my having any selective process in deciding who I serve?

This is unrealistic and I'm pretty sure there should be some level of trust between the two people within the dynamic in such a regard even when personal desires aren't catered to, what's the point of labeling oneself as a sub if one is unwilling to sacrifice?

quote:


I really don't want to bore everyone here with those things.....but that's why I have a profile.


There is no kink list on your profile, but there is one on mine.

quote:


Ok....I'm actually going to post this on another thread....because I am dying to know....what could he possibly know about me that I am not already aware of? I've known myself for at least 48 years longer than any Dom will ever know me, and I think I know myself pretty damned well, so how could know something about myself that I don't already know?


Oh trust me, humans are quite gregarious and predictable. I notice every little thing about someone sitting across a table from me, from gestures, to body language to the way the individual holds their fork and conversation cues. How else are you going to learn about a person and what makes them tick unless you study them, right?


< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 9/13/2014 9:11:41 AM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 9:15:32 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

Of course there is. There are certain things that I would not classify as "limits", but honestly, if I never did them again, my life would be absolutely splendid. I liken this to dragging my prior Dom to a museum. If it was an exhibit that I really wanted to see *with him*, I would press the issue and he would go. However, I couldn't imagine doing that to him on even a semi-regular basis. Why? Because he let it be known that he would much prefer doing just about anything else in the world than stand in a museum on a Saturday afternoon. And, it was not a big deal, because there were plenty of other things to do that we would mutually enjoy.


I get a lot of what you were saying,but roles reversed, if there was an activity he enjoyed such as a weekend activity and he asked that you participate, I am certain you would.
Here's my issue with a lot of what people are saying, a lot of it actually aligns with my personal beliefs, however I do not believe the roles of D/s or M/s are ever blurred, even when my prior D and I would spend HOURSSSSSSSSSSS at the beach and everyone would tell me what a good girlfriend I am to relax on the sand for that long in the shade, hit the pool, socialize with friends, while he played volleyball. That was his thing and had been his thing for a long time. I accommodated HIM, not vice versa. My answer would almost always be yes if we were invited somewhere because I knew such activities brought him joy and none of those people would EVER guess that I'm an introvert. However if I wanted to even purchase a dress, I would call and ask his permission and even then if it was slightly over a decided budget I would try to compromise in order to stay within those guidelines. Makes sense, right?

A D once told me the definition of a "bad sub" is one who lazily does 4 of 7 required tasks or mixes up the step by step process and then feels no sense of remorse or obligation for it. I feel the same way, the outlined rules should be followed within the relationship.
However not everyone is as strict as I am but I hold my subs to the same standard I hold for myself.

When you are having a fantasy wishlist for your Dom, it is a form of topping from the bottom unless you are a bottom or kinkster. Otherwise you would simply allow him to lead and you follow and if there is an issue there is a conversation where there is understanding on both sides. The D's fantasies should be catered to and I see the sub's fantasies being catered to as something that should be thrown in the mix but not consistent or predictable. There has to be some kind of reward/ punishment protocol.



And the question of the topic is "How much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?" And that is your belief and answer to the question. We are all different.

I agree that unpredictability helps to keep things exciting. But....if all I see are his fantasies being catered to 99% of the time, I'm going to start looking for someone else.

The tricky question is....would I be happy if he let me have what I wanted 2% of the time? 3%? Would I need as much as 10%? That's something that doesn't have a concrete answer either.


_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 10:02:54 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I get a lot of what you were saying,but roles reversed, if there was an activity he enjoyed such as a weekend activity and he asked that you participate, I am certain you would.


In my situation, it has nothing to do with "roles". If there was something that he absolutely loved doing, I would indulge him...however, if I truly disliked it, I would expect that he would respect my position as well.

For example, I can get violently ill when on a boat. And, even when I don't get violently ill, it often is just an unpleasurable experience for me. I've tried the meds, the wristbands, everything-- I'm just not meant to be on a boat. Now, let's say he really enjoyed boating (and for whatever reason, we got over that initial lack of compatibility), I would expect that he would spend a lot of time on that boat without me and not give me grief about it. I would certainly expect that he would continue spending time on the boat, just not with me.

As another example, my prior Dom used to enjoy going out and socializing. (Read: drinking.) As a result of certain issues that came up, I became the designated driver. Now, I don't mind going out and socializing, even when stone cold sober...but it does get old to me after a couple of hours (regardless of my level of sobriety). I wanted to indulge him...he was an extremely social being...but I literally became miserable with it. This was literally an every weekend "thing". It did take a while to get through to him, but he finally "got it"...if I wanted to go and he wanted to stay, he would arrange for a ride home and NOT give me grief about it the next day. He finally understood that the fact that I wanted to leave was not indicative of the way I felt about him...it was the way I felt about the situation. I didn't want to prevent him from enjoying himself, but didn't feel that I should be expected to be miserable on a weekly basis with it. If he had reacted differently when we had our discussion about this, I would have re-evaluated the relationship. Dom, sub, top, bottom, switch...I find it unfathomable to be in a relationship where my feelings are not taken into consideration.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I accommodated HIM, not vice versa. My answer would almost always be yes if we were invited somewhere because I knew such activities brought him joy and none of those people would EVER guess that I'm an introvert. However if I wanted to even purchase a dress, I would call and ask his permission and even then if it was slightly over a decided budget I would try to compromise in order to stay within those guidelines. Makes sense, right?


Actually, it does makes sense....as I respect that this was the way you both decided to proceed in your relationship. However, with that being said, for me, I will not be in a relationship with someone who doesn't actually listen to what I say when issues that I believe are serious come up.

Personally and professionally, I am one to take the path of least resistance. I will not fight over things that are not worth fighting for. However, on the rare occasion where I do "speak up", I expect that the other person will actually listen. Especially in my personal relationships, I expect that the other person knows me well enough to literally stop in their tracks when I bring an issue up. I'm not going to bring it up if it's not something that's serious to me.

I don't expect to "win" on my point every time...but I do expect that the other person will take me seriously and work to compromise on the situation, at the very least. Some may view this as "unsubmissive"....I view it as realistic. Life is so much better without the resentments that can come when people don't communicate.


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

When you are having a fantasy wishlist for your Dom, it is a form of topping from the bottom unless you are a bottom or kinkster. Otherwise you would simply allow him to lead and you follow and if there is an issue there is a conversation where there is understanding on both sides. The D's fantasies should be catered to and I see the sub's fantasies being catered to as something that should be thrown in the mix but not consistent or predictable. There has to be some kind of reward/ punishment protocol.



I don't see where the "reward/punishment protocol" comes into this.

I don't know...every Dom that I've ever been with has known my wishlist, as I have known his. For us, it's been an integral part of the "getting to know you" phase. Do I expect that I will see these things at some point in the relationship? Absolutely. And, actually, I think he would be a damned fool not to incorporate these things into the relationship. I trust that these things will happen at the "right time"...just as his wishlist will be.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 10:37:29 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I'm simply saying that if the majority of the relationship is him requiring me to do things on that end of the spectrum, and his philosophy is that my only purpose in life should be to serve him and make him happy with no thought of my own enjoyment....and if most Doms felt the same way....so that I, as a slave, should have no expectations of my needs and desires being met.....then what would be the point of my having any selective process in deciding who I serve?

quote:



I would say that Dom is a certifiable fool. *s* Unless, of course, he finds a sub whose literal mission in life is to make him happy, whatever the cost.

Back about 2 lifetimes ago, I was involved with a Dom who was a physical sadist, along the lines of one that I had never been involved with before or since. One of his most favorite things was using a cane on me, to the point where it would leave welts. We would have the most incredible sex afterwards...but the beatings just started to get to me. I *get* that some people like this...it just was not my bag. I called it. Aside from my own physical and mental well-being, I figured he deserved someone who actually *enjoyed* that aspect of things. I do consider myself a submissive....but it doesn't come at the expense of my own enjoyment of being in a relationship.

You're right...if that's the way things are "supposed to be", why in the world even try to vet prospective Doms? Just look for the guy with the nicest cock and leave it at that.




< Message edited by littleladybug -- 9/13/2014 10:38:41 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 12:40:41 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I think DS hit it right the nail right on the head. Reading through this discussion, the words "cater to" seem to be what is rubbing people all the wrong ways. And as always, there are some so hung up on terminology and definitions of dominance, submissive, top, bottom, etc. that they can't see the forest for the trees.

Even in a D/s or M/s relationship, nothing can always be one sided. A huge part of this comes from that whole "getting to know you phase." Yes, s-types (which includes slaves, submissives, bottoms and kinksters) tend to get pleasure from making their partner happy, just like D-types (again inclusive of dominant, masters, tops and kinksters) like to be the one in charge. But if the D-type lives on the "it's all about me, all the time" mentality, they are going to find that relationships aren't lasting for them. Why? Because there is give and take in ALL relationships and if all one does is take or give, it won't work out in the long run.

Are there things s-types do simply because it makes their partner happy? Of course. Usually when making those limit lists, it contains mostly the kink things one likes, dislikes, etc. But the vanilla things are important as well. Take the museum example. If this is something the s-type really, really enjoys, it isn't "catering to" them for their partner to go. It is catering if every time it comes up and the choice is between say the D-types love of NASCAR and the s-types love of art exhibits to always go to the museum. But what about the common sense of each doing the thing they love without the other sometimes, and doing what the one loves and the other not so much on occasion? that's called having a relationship and working together to make things work.

As many s-types are saying, if their needs, wants, and desires aren't taken into consideration, they aren't sticking around. For the D-types who want to argue against that....well, your target audience is telling you it won't work, and a smart "D" will figure that out.

Finally, I think these types of discussion always dead end for some because during the "getting to know you" stage, they find they have more common interests than opposing ones, so while the D thinks they never "cater to" the s and the s thinks it is all about the D, the truth is that those particular activities are things they both want so in reality, the s is being indulged even though the D is getting what they want. Using the male dominant/female sub as an example, she really loves anal sex. In fact, she likes it above all other things. He happens to feel the same way, so they do that a lot. Is he catering to her? No. But is she always getting what she wants? Yes, because they happen to want the same thing. Smart people will find partners who want what they want, so no one seems to be being "catered to" because everyone is getting exactly what they want.

(in reply to littleladybug)
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RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:01:47 PM   
Kaliko


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Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I think DS hit it right the nail right on the head. Reading through this discussion, the words "cater to" seem to be what is rubbing people all the wrong ways.



Yes, exactly. If it was a different question, my answer would have been different.

However (general reply, here), even when a Dominant does take a submissive's fantasies into consideration, I think that ultimately the reason for doing so is for his pleasure. If I'm excited, intrigued, pushed, etc...then I'll probably be a happier, more productive and more pleasing submissive. It's a win-win.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:22:07 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Yes, exactly. If it was a different question, my answer would have been different.

However (general reply, here), even when a Dominant does take a submissive's fantasies into consideration, I think that ultimately the reason for doing so is for his pleasure. If I'm excited, intrigued, pushed, etc...then I'll probably be a happier, more productive and more pleasing submissive. It's a win-win.



This is the knowledge that so few either attain or are willing to admit.

I'd love to sit here and bask in some of the compliments but, the truth is; at the end of the day, everything I do is done because it benefits me in some way.

If said submissive lady was not pleasing to me ... if she didn't cater to my whims and caprices, why would I care about making her happy which would help to ensure her continued service?

Whenever I see a situation where it's apparent that the "s" is the one who's really steering the relationship, I just assume that they're both happy and don't even give it another thought. When a lady tries to make me fight and claw for any bit of submission, I start wording my "good-bye".







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RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:35:44 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


Are there things s-types do simply because it makes their partner happy? Of course. Usually when making those limit lists, it contains mostly the kink things one likes, dislikes, etc. But the vanilla things are important as well. Take the museum example. If this is something the s-type really, really enjoys, it isn't "catering to" them for their partner to go. It is catering if every time it comes up and the choice is between say the D-types love of NASCAR and the s-types love of art exhibits to always go to the museum. But what about the common sense of each doing the thing they love without the other sometimes, and doing what the one loves and the other not so much on occasion? that's called having a relationship and working together to make things work.


Oh my gosh...a give and take when it comes to these things? Perish the thought. *end sarcasm*

In all seriousness, I appreciate a "D type" saying this. Yup...it's about a "relationship"...My current *whatever*, when he got his head around the fact that he had been a complete dick about whatever he was being a dick about, said to me "gee, I really, really like you, and would like to work on that foundation"....what?? like a real relationship? As far as I'm concerned, especially in the beginning stages of relationships, people just get way too occupied with their "roles" and they way they feel they should be. Take a deep breath, and look at it. If, as your hypothetical proposes, it's all about the Nascar....well, as far as I'm concerned, the two best things about Nascar are the crashes and laughing at people who like Nascar. But...with that being said, I spend my Sundays watching the NFL. Anyone who even remotely knows me knows that it has to be something FUCKING INCREDIBLE to have me turn my gaze from the TV on Sundays. Well, crap, maybe that's the time for my Dom who loves his boat to go out with his friends. You have your Nascar, I have my football, and never the twain shall meet.

Now, my current *whatever* is not a Nascar guy...but I am a football fan. Saturdays are his....Sundays, not so much. For someone not to "get" that? That's someone that I would never want to be with. (As an aside, I hear it's a hoot to be with me when my Pats are playing...but that does require a strong Dom....LOL)

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:38:50 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko


If I'm excited, intrigued, pushed, etc...then I'll probably be a happier, more productive and more pleasing submissive. It's a win-win.



With all due respect, you're putting yourself into a completely different position. What specifically gives you this perspective? I mean, other than what you want, as a Dom?


(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:40:44 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


I'd love to sit here and bask in some of the compliments but, the truth is; at the end of the day, everything I do is done because it benefits me in some way.



Do you really think that the feeling isn't mutual?



(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:47:37 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


I'd love to sit here and bask in some of the compliments but, the truth is; at the end of the day, everything I do is done because it benefits me in some way.



Do you really think that the feeling isn't mutual?



Not one little bit. As human beings and as a result of certain societal moors, I think that in inter-personal relationships, we're all a bit "selfish". Like it or not, I'm right on the cusp between being a "Baby Boomer" and a "Me Generation". I've had an extensive education of life experience to show me that relationships, when push comes to shove, are valued by what they give to us.

I try to only speak for myself which is why my initial statement seemed incomplete but, rest assured that my recognition of her wants, etc. is based upon the fact that by indulging these for her will keep her around, which, ultimately, must be pleasing to me.

Circle of life, indeed.







Screen captures still RULE! ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:55:22 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko


If I'm excited, intrigued, pushed, etc...then I'll probably be a happier, more productive and more pleasing submissive. It's a win-win.



With all due respect, you're putting yourself into a completely different position. What specifically gives you this perspective? I mean, other than what you want, as a Dom?




Sorry. I'll have to ask you to please clarify. (I'm not a Dominant, if that's what you're thinking... or am I missing the question?)

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 1:59:31 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko


Sorry. I'll have to ask you to please clarify. (I'm not a Dominant, if that's what you're thinking... or am I missing the question?)



My mistake then...

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 4:18:41 PM   
TheCabal


Posts: 291
Joined: 9/3/2005
From: Lots of different places
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: arnoud

For me, the fantasy is new, and unmet, but, like it or not, the fantasy is decidedly there, to stay.

However, I feel it shouldn't be about "my" fantasy as much as about hers, yet, if two can't tango, where is the romance?

With that as background, I ask how much of a submissive's fantasies should a dominant cater to?


To me, it depends on the fantasy and the circumstances. If it's a fantasy that both the submissive and dominant have in common, it's not really a matter of the dominant 'catering,' but obviously those fantasies are going to get acted upon.

The other angle is whether it's the sort of fantasy that can be used for training or conditioning the submissive. It's important for the dominant person to understand how a submissive's mind works. Understanding their fantasies - the things that motivate them - can be an important part of really training a submissive. It can be a way to break down barriers as well - the offer to meet the submissive's fantasy in exchange for you pushing past a limit... that can be very persuasive.

(in reply to arnoud)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 7:00:42 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:


I really don't want to bore everyone here with those things.....but that's why I have a profile.


There is no kink list on your profile, but there is one on mine.

quote:


Ok....I'm actually going to post this on another thread....because I am dying to know....what could he possibly know about me that I am not already aware of? I've known myself for at least 48 years longer than any Dom will ever know me, and I think I know myself pretty damned well, so how could know something about myself that I don't already know?


Oh trust me, humans are quite gregarious and predictable. I notice every little thing about someone sitting across a table from me, from gestures, to body language to the way the individual holds their fork and conversation cues. How else are you going to learn about a person and what makes them tick unless you study them, right?



Um.....yes there is a kink list on my profile. I have vanilla interests listed as well.

Ok....so you notice how I hold my fork.....and what does that tell you about me that I don't already know?

"oh...she holds her fork with her left hand....hey....she's left-handed!"

OMG....really??? I AM?? I would have never known!!


_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 7:03:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You shouldn't have to cater unwillingly, nor should she. You folks should mesh well, having many of the same interests and desires. Moreover, if you don't like her enough to want to do things so she'll be happy, then this isn't a good relationship. Same from her side.

If you're viewing this as being obligated to do things which you don't want to do, then the relationship isn't going to be a good one. You would do better to honestly admit that you aren't compatible and wish her good luck finding someone who she is compatible with.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How much of a submissive's fantasies should a domin... - 9/13/2014 8:09:53 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

No...the D shouldn't "cater" to the s, but at the same time it would be nice, as DaddySatyr mentioned, to be included in the "relationship" and have some of my wants and desires met.
<snip>
If he wants true heartfelt dedication and service, then I have to know that he also has my interests in mind at least some of the time. As unsubmissive as that might sound.

Why would you be with a Dominant you weren't compatible with, so that your kinks & fetishes are already lined up as much as reasonably possible? Along with a good number of vanilla interests. I couldn't be with someone with whom I didn't have a lot in common across the board. I need mental stimulation, and I would want my partner to be the same way. Then a major consideration for me is NO masochists. I don't want a pain sl-t waiting around for me to reward him with a beating or pulling stunts just to get himself a whipping; he needs to find himself a (Kind) Sadist to engage with getting their mutual sado-masochistic needs filled on a regular basis.

What I gathered from your comments is an almost passive-aggressive approach to D/s. That you can bide your time until you reach your saturation point, and then you want yours; and this isn't how a D/s dynamic is supposed to work in a non-dysfunctional context. We both want the same things, but coming from different directions and then melding together, and ultimately our energies feed off of one another. No offense, but this makes me wonder whether you aren't really a kinky bottom, and that you've convinced yourself that you're submissive. Part of what I'm getting is the mentality that you're doing your Dom a BIG favor by catering to HIS needs, just so you can hopefully get a few of the crumbs that fall off his table by periodically getting "your turn." I'm sure you didn't mean to convey this message, but this is how I read it.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to smileforme50)
Profile   Post #: 40
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