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RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 11:40:09 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Excellent! I'm really glad that he didn't end it.

I don't know about your therapist specifically, but there are a lot that do not differentiate between BDSM and abuse. If she is one of them, her input will be heavily biased.

I am biased too. I like having people in relationships instead of single. So take my bias into account.

There is no way to predict how this will end up. But after the honeymoon stage of a relationship, the rubber hits the road and the real work starts. You and David are hitting that point now. I believe that learning how to communicate wants, needs, suggestions, concessions, etc., will be a tremendous growth experience for both of you. Even of the relationship does eventually die, you will be able to handle future relationships better after the work you've done.

I also feel like developing the mindset that, when you encounter a problem, you will fight it and try to beat it, will lead to more mental stability for you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 21

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 11:52:09 AM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

Okay he replied, he basically said that this wasn't the end of us, he said he knows he pushed me hard and maybe it was too much. He said for us to take a few days to reflect and think which I think is a good idea. We still have plans to meet up on the 18th.

He was super nice about everything which was good.

But I guess there's a part of me that doesn't know if continuing a bdsm relationship is healthy. I told my therapist about it and she told me that it's not healthy for me at all.

So basically what I'm asking is do you think I could still have the problems I do and have a relationship like this? Or should this kind of thing only be for people who are more mentally stable?

With all due respect to your therapist (not being facetious here)-- I would say that she is not correct in her assessment.

While it might be the case that proceeding in a D/s relationship-- in the stereotypical way-- would not be healthy at this point (and with that, I do agree)....I do disagree if she has told you to cut all ties with this guy.

HE DIGS YOU. He's told you that. (I know it can be hard to see this, when in the position you are....so I will say it for you....once again, HE DIGS YOU.) Take a minute...step back from everything...close your eyes....and try to accept that fact. In my mind, you have a wonderful opportunity here. You've let this guy know about your "issues". Maybe not all of them...maybe not completely...but he KNOWS. And, guess what? He's still there. He's put the ball back in your court. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to deal with it.

I would suggest taking some time over the next week to reflect on this. I know how hard it can be to throw shit at someone and have them accept it and come back smiling. WTF? Seriously? But, trust me on this...there are people in this world who honestly love you FOR YOU. What you need to do right now (and I say this from experience) is simply accept the fact that this guy WANTS to be in your life. You could throw a whole bunch of other shit at him now, and he'd probably still be around. And, that would do no good for anyone.

You're not ready for an M/s relationship at this point. I think everyone is of the same opinion on that. But, who's to say that this relationship won't develop into that...or something even more special? My ultimate suggestion here would be to accept that he's not going anywhere and proceed in that way. At the very worst, you'll have a great cheerleader in your corner.

Wish you the best hon, from the bottom of my heart.

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 22

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 12:08:13 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

With all due respect to your therapist (not being facetious here)-- I would say that she is not correct in her assessment.

I have to fragment a lot of what littleladybug said because she touched on some epic points. Your therapist has your best intentions at heart. Unless she knows someone directly who has outed themselves to be in a happy, successful D/s relationship her scope would be extremely limited to the point of hypotheticals lacking substance. She is human and inclined to error, this does not take away from her expertise. But there are news articles that indicate that people who engage in this lifestyle can actually be indicative to improved mental health. It's the same way, one can have bias against homosexual parents but according to the American Psychiatric Association, they are as sound or moreso than heterosexual parents. I feel her beliefs is due to her worry for the "unknown". Unknowing of what the lifestyle incorporates and the dynamics that exist within it and how it will in turn affect your recovery, especially with the recent speed bump. I get why she worries, but now he knows, and he's able to work around knowing and supporting in a healthy way. This is really the quintessential outcome.

quote:

While it might be the case that proceeding in a D/s relationship-- in the stereotypical way-- would not be healthy at this point (and with that, I do agree)....I do disagree if she has told you to cut all ties with this guy.

HE DIGS YOU. He's told you that. (I know it can be hard to see this, when in the position you are....so I will say it for you....once again, HE DIGS YOU.) Take a minute...step back from everything...close your eyes....and try to accept that fact. In my mind, you have a wonderful opportunity here. You've let this guy know about your "issues". Maybe not all of them...maybe not completely...but he KNOWS. And, guess what? He's still there. He's put the ball back in your court. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to deal with it.

I would suggest taking some time over the next week to reflect on this. I know how hard it can be to throw shit at someone and have them accept it and come back smiling. WTF? Seriously? But, trust me on this...there are people in this world who honestly love you FOR YOU. What you need to do right now (and I say this from experience) is simply accept the fact that this guy WANTS to be in your life. You could throw a whole bunch of other shit at him now, and he'd probably still be around. And, that would do no good for anyone.

You're not ready for an M/s relationship at this point. I think everyone is of the same opinion on that. But, who's to say that this relationship won't develop into that...or something even more special? My ultimate suggestion here would be to accept that he's not going anywhere and proceed in that way. At the very worst, you'll have a great cheerleader in your corner.

Wish you the best hon, from the bottom of my heart.

Couldn't have said it better. This guy sounds fantastic, I have to extend my congratulations and I'm very happy that this was the outcome.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 10/10/2014 12:09:39 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to littleladybug)

Post #: 23

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 12:23:56 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

Okay he replied, he basically said that this wasn't the end of us, he said he knows he pushed me hard and maybe it was too much. He said for us to take a few days to reflect and think which I think is a good idea. We still have plans to meet up on the 18th.

He was super nice about everything which was good.

But I guess there's a part of me that doesn't know if continuing a bdsm relationship is healthy. I told my therapist about it and she told me that it's not healthy for me at all.

First of all.... good for you and he sounds like a reasonable person.

Whether or not you continue in BDSM or not is up to you. Does your therapist feel it will never be for you, or it is not for you in the condition you are in? Keep in mind something, while therapists are professionals, they can be wrong sometimes, especially if they know nothing about kink. I would discuss in more depth with your therapist about why they feel BDSM isn't for you. Maybe parts of BDSM might not be good for you, obviously the eating control isn't working well and perhaps there are other areas too. Find out, ask questions, don't be shy about it either. They are there for you.

quote:

So basically what I'm asking is do you think I could still have the problems I do and have a relationship like this?

The fast answer is yes, people with mental illness can have BDSM relationships that are successful. They have worked with their partners and have a good understanding of triggers, warning signs, and symptoms. They communicate heavily so the dominant can avoid those things. Hey, even dominants can have mental illness, I do, and I worked on my own stability first before I looked for someone.

quote:

Or should this kind of thing only be for people who are more mentally stable?

Your phrase "mentally stable" is the key here. I would say that if you feel that you do not have a your feet on the ground and know how to manage your symptoms, triggers, etc. then you need to do that first. Only you know if that has happened or not, and no one else can answer that question for you. Do not be pressured into something and speak up if something is happening. Some people feel that a slave should not speak to their master like that, that it is disrespectful, personally, that is not how I feel about it. I discussed things with my slut for two weeks before we even met face to face for coffee. We talked specifically about triggers, physical health problems, mental illness, I got background on her childhood so I knew if there was anything there to stay away from, and I prepared her for what we were going to do eventually. It wasn't until about a month later that I even laid a hand on her in a BDSM context. That was all preparation time. When it finally happened, I had a baseline for what I could and could not do with her.

You sound as if you feel better about all of this. Just be careful, and do not rush things. You really need some stability in your life first and get yourself in order before doing anything else. You need to discuss limits with your master... if you haven't you should. I don't give a rats ass what some people say about slaves being no limits... that is horseshit for the most part. You need to set limits that if crossed are deal breakers. These limits are not to be pushed in any way shape or form and to do so would end the relationship immediately. Remember that I told you that the reality of 24/7 slavery is different than the fantasy? This is why it is different. You need to talk about triggers with him, and you need to be able to speak freely when you feel your symptoms are acting up and that he needs to give you space. Communicate! I cannot stress this enough. Honest communication is the key to a successful relationship in BDSM or the vanilla world. You are both adults, and hopefully you are both mature enough to realize that you ARE adults and can discuss adult things. Did I mention that communication is the key to all of this?

OK, you sound like you are on the right track, but you are nowhere near close to where you need to be at this time. Take this relationship thing slowly, there is no reason to rush. I don't know if I said this before, communicate with each other. Learn and grow together, and if he really and truly cares about you, then he will be by your side giving you all the support, nurturing, and caring that he can. He should not try to play your therapist, but he should follow your lead for what your therapist suggests for you relative to getting your feet on the ground. Communicate.

I do wish you both the very best.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 24

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 12:46:50 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

Okay he replied, he basically said that this wasn't the end of us, he said he knows he pushed me hard and maybe it was too much. He said for us to take a few days to reflect and think which I think is a good idea. We still have plans to meet up on the 18th.

He was super nice about everything which was good.

Liking this guy for not engaging in blaming you. Looks like he owned his responsibility and has your best interests in mind. Very good on him as well. I'm all for you two taking time to think about things.

quote:

But I guess there's a part of me that doesn't know if continuing a bdsm relationship is healthy. I told my therapist about it and she told me that it's not healthy for me at all.

So basically what I'm asking is do you think I could still have the problems I do and have a relationship like this? Or should this kind of thing only be for people who are more mentally stable?

You seem very self-aware and willing to look at a situation objectively. Only you can honestly answer if BDSM is right for you at all. If you feel it could trigger your issues, maybe not engaging really is the best thing. I'm sure your herbalist means well, but is she open mnded as far as BDSM goes at all? There are just some folks who feel its wrong no matter what. If she is kink aware and feels it's not good, there may be some valid points she raises. But if she operates under misconceptions about it, that is something you can take into account.

Ultimately trust your gut. BDSM can be a beautiful thing, but it can also bring out the worst in someone if they aren't actively working through their issues. For someone who feels they aren't mentally stable, you seem to have your head screwed on right. Just because you aren't ready for M/s, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to throw everything out altogether. The key is deciding what would be best for you. And I think you can do that pretty well

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 25

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 2:39:06 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123
But I guess there's a part of me that doesn't know if continuing a bdsm relationship is healthy. I told my therapist about it and she told me that it's not healthy for me at all.

So basically what I'm asking is do you think I could still have the problems I do and have a relationship like this? Or should this kind of thing only be for people who are more mentally stable?

Like vanilla relationships, BDSM relationships are best for people who are mentally stable. I think you're asking the wrong question, and need to back up.

Questions to ask your therapist:

"What types of relationships with other people would be best for me to develop right now?"
"How can I look for people with those characteristics? How will I recognize someone I am good for, and is good for me?"

Maybe you shouldn't be dating at all. Maybe you should put your effort into making friends, and using a vibe at night. I have no idea; that's what your therapist is for. If the answers to those questions seem wrong to you, you could always get a second opinion.

Are you young? Your dom sounds young -- at the very least, inexperienced as fuck. Food restriction is a form of edge play, because it can be trigger city. It's irrelevant how much you told him about your bulimia etc. That form of control is a Here There Be Dragons zone, and if he didn't know that already, he might not have much experience with women. If he recognizes what a dumbass he was, maybe he's relationship material. If he takes the matter lightly, you're probably better off breaking up.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 26

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 2:54:55 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

I think that taking your time is best for you.
You take baby steps; seldom is anyone ready to be a slave and all that entails with only 1 year experience and/or a fairly new relationship.
Slow down, work on the relationship rather than the BDSM aspects; find out if this is gonna work long term before you jump in to the deep end of the pool.
One of my friends has always said "you take it in threes---can you stand to be with them 3 hours, 3 weeks, 3 months?' Most relationships fall apart within that 3 month period---so find that out first!!!

< Message edited by catize -- 10/10/2014 2:56:13 PM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 27

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 9:16:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask your therapist to clarify why she thinks this relationship is unhealthy for you and if she believes all power relationships are inherently unhealthy.

Also, do you feel stable enough to move away at this point and have to find a different therapist and establish trust with her? Because that will take a while.

I'm fourth generation mood disorder. My therapist understood why I found a power relationship to be helpful and saw nothing unhealthy in this relationship for me.

But I am curious as to why you did not share your eating disorders with him in the beginning. Why did you hide them from him? Or if he did know, why did he assume that he could magically cure a disease?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 28

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 9:50:19 PM

Redheadedgirl123

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/23/2013
Status: offline

@redmagic- I'm very young, 19. He's about ten years older than me. I'm not sure how much experience he has honestly. We never talked about it.

@desfip for one, my therapist is a Christian, a minister in fact. She told me that her religious views have nothing to do with it. She said if he's triggering me into my eating disorder then that's not good. Also, I'm very much a masochist. I used to cut myself but haven't in about 8 months or so. She thinks by allowing pain in the relationship I'm just continuing my self injurious behaviors. Don't know if I agree with her or not. I didn't share my eating disorder and stuff with him honestly because I didn't want to scare him off. When he asked about my eating habits I told him that I had problems with food and was diagnosed with bulimia a few years back. I mentioned it a couple times after that but other than that I tried not to talk about it. I'm private about those kind of things and really didn't want him to know. I honestly think he didn't think it was as bad as it was, because for one I'm not underweight. Most people assume people with eating disorder are very stick thin, but with bulimia that's not always the case.

As for everyone else, thank you so much for your answers. Really. I feel so much better now. I think I'm just going to try to slow down things and try to be more honest with him. If he doesn't understand, then he's not worth it.

You guys are all so great!!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 29

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/10/2014 11:44:21 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

@redmagic- I'm very young, 19. He's about ten years older than me. I'm not sure how much experience he has honestly. We never talked about it.

@desfip for one, my therapist is a Christian, a minister in fact. She told me that her religious views have nothing to do with it. She said if he's triggering me into my eating disorder then that's not good. Also, I'm very much a masochist. I used to cut myself but haven't in about 8 months or so. She thinks by allowing pain in the relationship I'm just continuing my self injurious behaviors. Don't know if I agree with her or not. I didn't share my eating disorder and stuff with him honestly because I didn't want to scare him off. When he asked about my eating habits I told him that I had problems with food and was diagnosed with bulimia a few years back. I mentioned it a couple times after that but other than that I tried not to talk about it. I'm private about those kind of things and really didn't want him to know. I honestly think he didn't think it was as bad as it was, because for one I'm not underweight. Most people assume people with eating disorder are very stick thin, but with bulimia that's not always the case.

As for everyone else, thank you so much for your answers. Really. I feel so much better now. I think I'm just going to try to slow down things and try to be more honest with him. If he doesn't understand, then he's not worth it.

You guys are all so great!!

Her hesitation directed to your pursuits make more sense. The ongoing factor in both illness and relationship is pain.
Also there are variants you explain to now consider.
1; You're only 19,she is probably very maternal to you and due to possible vulnerability even from breaking up from a codependent dynamic, she is scared you will seek unhealthy alternatives to replace that.

2; You're only 19...I was an extremely different person at 19, I had a lot more piercings and far lessdisciplined. In her mind she may think "this is not good for you (RIGHT NOW)"

3; You have to get used to your own company and have the confidence of not relapsing before pursuing this dynamic with him or anyone. You said it yourself, the self esteem issues and such, he seems like a wonderful man but I think in some ways his protector mode is going off like crazy because in a high sense he feels responsible for you. The age disparity would contribute to such sentiment. Let him know the ways he can be there for you productively but that the both of you would have to be patient if he wants to be there for the long haul.

4; I'm not so sure now that she may be incorrect, especially when you equate the cutting addiction to your "masochistic instinct". That means it all ties together for you somehow and that is reason to pause. Most desire submission in order to submit, the activity is only 10% of it, the training to allow a submissive or slave to submit completely on a CEREBRAL LEVEL. It is not necessarily self harming, even during such activities there is very close attention to the sub's well being and comfort.

5; You need time alone, time to self examine. All of these answers are within you, but the more you complicate your life without retrieving said answers, the more vulnerable you leave yourself to lack of clarity.

Best of luck to you young lady,I hope his patience doesn't wane but you need to figure this out before you get in over your head into something you're just not ready or prepared for, and my statement isn't due to your age, it's due to the indication of relapse if you don't. Focus on recovery. Gauge gave sound advice as well.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 30

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 5:49:17 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

For one I'm not all mentally stable, I suffer from bulimia, borderline personality disorder, and depression.

Frankly, this quote says you are clearly unable to become a slave. You need to focus on gaining stability ... not what currently seems sexual. And obviously, your earlier "letter" says just that.

So do the work on mental stability and gain control over your own life; before any real earth shattering changes.

That said, I feel you may need a more "worldly" advisor/psychologist or what ever (I forgot what you called your Minister).

You see, in my younger days I dated a Lady who was a psychologist, she had great insight into people ... :-) ... but she was NOT a Minister ... rather a professional

Perhaps you would be better served by a nonreligious therapist; that is a Woman, too.

I did know some of those religious people/professionals, and they typically lack the real knowledge of sexual attraction and intimacy needed to understand this lifestyle.

Just my

< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 10/11/2014 6:29:32 AM >

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 31

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 6:09:53 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Her hesitation directed to your pursuits make more sense. The ongoing factor in both illness and relationship is pain.
Also there are variants you explain to now consider.

1; You're only 19,she is probably very maternal to you and due to possible vulnerability even from breaking up from a codependent dynamic, she is scared you will seek unhealthy alternatives to replace that.

2; You're only 19...I was an extremely different person at 19, I had a lot more piercings and far lessdisciplined. In her mind she may think "this is not good for you (RIGHT NOW)"

3; You have to get used to your own company and have the confidence of not relapsing before pursuing this dynamic with him or anyone. You said it yourself, the self esteem issues and such, he seems like a wonderful man but I think in some ways his protector mode is going off like crazy because in a high sense he feels responsible for you. The age disparity would contribute to such sentiment. Let him know the ways he can be there for you productively but that the both of you would have to be patient if he wants to be there for the long haul.

4; I'm not so sure now that she may be incorrect, especially when you equate the cutting addiction to your "masochistic instinct". That means it all ties together for you somehow and that is reason to pause. Most desire submission in order to submit, the activity is only 10% of it, the training to allow a submissive or slave to submit completely on a CEREBRAL LEVEL. It is not necessarily self harming, even during such activities there is very close attention to the sub's well being and comfort.

5; You need time alone, time to self examine. All of these answers are within you, but the more you complicate your life without retrieving said answers, the more vulnerable you leave yourself to lack of clarity.

Best of luck to you young lady,I hope his patience doesn't wane but you need to figure this out before you get in over your head into something you're just not ready or prepared for, and my statement isn't due to your age, it's due to the indication of relapse if you don't. Focus on recovery. Gauge gave sound advice as well.

"Best of luck to you young lady,I hope his patience doesn't wane but you need to figure this out before you get in over your head into something you're just not ready or prepared for,"

To which I will add ... if his patience wane's .... there are many others out there.

Learn who you are, and what you desire. Then you might find ... some Dom's like the ones who replied to your thread. Thinking with a couple years of focusing on yourself, you might find an even better one!

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 32

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 7:35:02 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

@redmagic- I'm very young, 19. He's about ten years older than me. I'm not sure how much experience he has honestly. We never talked about it.

I doubt he has much if any. He tried to push into an M/s relationship way prematurely, with very little contact possible. I would not expect someone experienced to do that.

quote:

@desfip for one, my therapist is a Christian, a minister in fact. She told me that her religious views have nothing to do with it. She said if he's triggering me into my eating disorder then that's not good.

With all due respect, it sounds like she has no clue. Your negative reaction was due to ceding control to something very close to you. I'd bet that you'd do just fine if you were to select which areas to yield control in. She seems to believe that all ceding of control is the issue, and I'm positive it's not.

quote:

Also, I'm very much a masochist. I used to cut myself but haven't in about 8 months or so. She thinks by allowing pain in the relationship I'm just continuing my self injurious behaviors. Don't know if I agree with her or not.

Okay, by "pain in the relationship", I assume that you mean that he spanks you, etc.? There are several different forms of pain:

Pain for pleasure, such as fun spanking.
Pain for punishment, as in discipline.
Emotional pain.

I'm sorry to say this, but I would expect emotional pain to be inevitable as you find out more about yourself in your relationship. Nothing at all kink-related there.

Pain for pleasure - I'm not sure why, but I consider mutually consented to pain play to be healthy, and self injury to be unhealthy. I can't explain.

Pain for punishment - I don't know if you're ready for this. It is possible to have D/s without punishment in the dynamic. Right now, I'd advise you to not emphasize that aspect in your relationship.

quote:

I didn't share my eating disorder and stuff with him honestly because I didn't want to scare him off.

I kind of understand but that almost destroyed the relationship.

quote:

When he asked about my eating habits I told him that I had problems with food and was diagnosed with bulimia a few years back. I mentioned it a couple times after that but other than that I tried not to talk about it. I'm private about those kind of things and really didn't want him to know.

Very good. You're acknowledging your secrecy here, and seem to be coming to grips with the fact that it's going to make D/s or M/s very difficult.

quote:

I honestly think he didn't think it was as bad as it was, because for one I'm not underweight. Most people assume people with eating disorder are very stick thin, but with bulimia that's not always the case.

I can guarantee he didn't know. He didn't see you very often. And you had been reticent about sharing the bulimia with him.

The very fact that you ARE sharing it with him is a very positive step for you. Also, I don't think you would be sharing it with him to such a degree if you'd given up on the relationship. I see this as you wanting to keep it going.

quote:

As for everyone else, thank you so much for your answers. Really. I feel so much better now. I think I'm just going to try to slow down things and try to be more honest with him. If he doesn't understand, then he's not worth it.

Excellent. I do hope this works. Whether it does or not, you've been working on relationship skills that will help down the road.

quote:

You guys are all so great!!

We are!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 33

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 9:21:28 AM

VerySincere

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline

mistake

< Message edited by VerySincere -- 10/11/2014 9:28:37 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 34

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 9:32:00 AM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
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Well said Steven ... nice posts!

And btw OP ... heard he is a great Dom ... so now you know there are great Dom's around.

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Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 35

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 12:08:32 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

for one, my therapist is a Christian, a minister in fact. She told me that her religious views have nothing to do with it.

Perhaps they do not, perhaps they do. How long have you been with your therapist?

quote:

She said if he's triggering me into my eating disorder then that's not good. Also, I'm very much a masochist. I used to cut myself but haven't in about 8 months or so. She thinks by allowing pain in the relationship I'm just continuing my self injurious behaviors. Don't know if I agree with her or not.

I want to elaborate a bit more on what DarkSteven said. I disagree with your therapist completely about the pain in a BDSM context, with one qualification... if the pain you get in the relationship is not pleasurable to you, and affects you adversely, then it is definitely not a good thing. Cutting and self-injury is a big deal, but those are usually done out of emotional pain. Yet again you appear to not be certain if she is right or not... and that bothers me a little bit. You need to express your uncertainty to her about her statements when you are not sure whether you agree with her. You need to ask her to explain herself, and have a discussion. Some of the more interesting revelations about myself in a therapeutic environment came from when I disagreed with my therapist and we got into a dialog about why I disagreed. Sometimes the therapist was right, sometimes I was right... but therapy is INTERACTIVE, and you need to ask questions too... tough questions. Just because the therapist makes a statement doesn't mean it totally applies to you, maybe part of it does, maybe they are way off base... but if you are walking away confused about statements they make, then your therapy isn't where it should be... and it is on you to challenge them to explain why they are saying what they tell you.

Where I will disagree slightly with DarkSteven is that the therapist's statement "She said if he's triggering me into my eating disorder then that's not good" might have meant that the level of what he was trying with you was unhealthy... and she would be spot on. I am being very careful to not undermine your therapist, if you are comfortable with her and she is helping you then that is what you need, it doesn't mean she is right all of the time, and that is why I recommended that you ask questions and ask for explanations. A suggestion, when you ask a question... sometimes therapists come back and answer it with a question. At times that is appropriate, but if you are asking for clarification then you need to have them answer your question first, get the explanation, ask more questions if needed, and then they can ask their question. Be assertive in your therapy, you will get more out of it.

quote:

I didn't share my eating disorder and stuff with him honestly because I didn't want to scare him off. When he asked about my eating habits I told him that I had problems with food and was diagnosed with bulimia a few years back. I mentioned it a couple times after that but other than that I tried not to talk about it. I'm private about those kind of things and really didn't want him to know.

You tried to keep an important part of your life secret/mildly hidden from him? Bad move and I will tell you why that it is a mistake. First of all, if mental illness and your eating disorders are a part of you then guess what? That is part of who you are as a person... they are not what define you as a person, but they are part of the overall package of you. Did you think it would never come out? I am going to offer you advice and as usual you can take it or leave it... but I suggest you think long and hard about this before you do anything with my advice. You need to embrace your illness, which means accepting that it is part of you and while you may control the symptoms, it doesn't mean that you will not struggle along the way.

There is no need to be private about your illness... I do not suggest that you walk into a restaurant and declare your mental illness to everyone, but you are trying to build a relationship with someone, did you think they would never find out about the deception? When I met my slut, within the two weeks of exchanging emails, she knew pretty much everything about me. She knew that I am 14 years sober, she knew that I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder and panic attacks, she knew that I struggle with my depression and that sometimes I isolate terribly and need a great deal of space. I told her all of the dark shit about me, because if we were going to have a relationship, she would find out about it eventually, so I was cutting out the waiting period for that. I then gave her the choice to run away, or stay. She stayed... and accepted all of me, the good and the bad... that is when I knew that I had found someone special.

Honesty isn't always comfortable, or welcomed, but it is essential for a good relationship. Never be ashamed about your illness or struggles with them... NEVER. It's an illness and those that would reject you because of it, are not worth the energy or time. It is funny that if someone gets cancer they tell people, but if someone has a mental illness it is hush-hush and be quiet about it because it will scare people... well fuck them... if they are afraid of my illness it is because they don't understand it, or they do not care to understand the illness. I had someone begin to coddle me after they learned of my illness, they would have discussions with me that might get heated and they would always interject, "I know you have anxiety disorder and depression... but..." and they would continue with the discussion. Finally one day they said that in conversation and I stopped them and said that they needed to knock it the fuck off. I told them that if all they saw about me was my illness, then they were missing the other 99% of who I am. I explained that I have an illness, that is true, but it does not define who I am, but it is part of me. They finally stopped and we had a discussion about my statements, and they finally got it.

I apologize for the lengthy wall of text, but this is very important, especially because you are young. Never be ashamed of who you are... never. There are areas in everyone that are not pretty and attractive, but is not the sum total of who they are. The biggest thing that made my life miserable for a long time is that I fought against my illness, I tried desperately to keep it away from me, and I could not. The day I finally came to terms with it and embraced it as a part of me, but not who I was as a person, is the day that I became more free. I do have an illness, so do millions of others, so what? I struggle with it... so what? I accept it, do my best to manage my symptoms and live my life the best way I know how and I use the energy I saved from fighting my illness to manage my symptoms better instead. Chances are, you will always have this illness, so the sooner you come to terms with it, the better off that you are. No need to get a tattoo on your forehead declaring your illness, but there is no reason to not disclose it when appropriate. Starting a relationship is one of those times when it is totally OK to do so. If they run because they think you are batshit crazy, then you have done yourself a favor... if they understand, care, and love you anyway... that is fucking priceless... priceless.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 10/11/2014 12:17:24 PM >

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"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 36

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 3:06:49 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Pain in a relationship can be healthy or unhealthy, depends on your intent. If your sole purpose is catharsis, using physical pain to access emotional pain, it's not particularly healthy. However if the person giving you the pain isn't leaving permanent damage, that still is better than you cutting yourself.

If the purpose of the pain play is sexual arousal, then I'd consider that a lot more healthy.

With all that said, I would strongly suggest you find a clinical psychologist with direct experience with personality disorders, a minister simply isn't sufficiently educated to be as helpful as you need. Clinical psychologists will have worked in psych hospitals and know much more about your disorders than a non clinician can.

And if you don't have a good psychiatrist as well, get one.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 37

RE: Becoming a slave... - 10/11/2014 3:23:13 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redheadedgirl123

Thank you guys.... I'm just scared to tell him how I feel because I told him this is what I wanted for so long and now I'm not so sure. I just don't want to disappoint him..

Oh, screw that. The one person you need to not want to disappoint is YOURSELF. All that being controlled 24/7/365 by someone we're all infatuated with is nice, giggly fantasy. But when reality sets in and you realize what HE wants is not what YOU need to be a happy, contented human being, it's time to reevaluate. If you continue to jump through all kinds of hoops just to try to keep him happy, you're only setting yourself up for misery. Sometimes, they're never happy no matter how many hoops you jumped through.

Why is HE so special that he is entitled to not be disappointed about anything? Why is he "entitled" to anything? He's already shown you that he's not good for your well-being. Being responsible for someone else's well-being is one of the top responsibilities of being "a dom". And being "a slave" doesn't mean you lie down, roll over and wallow in your own misery. You BOTH are supposed to be happy.

You do need to talk to him and if he lets you go, so be it. Trust me, it is not the end of life as you know it. Just be happy you had the fun moments to remember and meet other men. There are SO many out there.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Redheadedgirl123)

Post #: 38

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