Going too far with femdom

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uksubmale31 -> Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 3:54:00 PM)
A while ago I met a domme, whilst I found it exciting I think I went too far. Im kind of vulnerable to anxiety and depression, I've had to work hard on being more assertive and setting boundaries with controlling people in the real world After having anxiety for so long my confidence was sky high one day and I was bored and went to visit a domme I think it overstepped my boundaries, even though I accept I chose to go and I was a bit too eager or impulsive. I've gone a bit into my shell since this happened and whilst I'm not blaming or judging anyone else it has effected me Can anyone offer any advice? Thanks

RockaRolla -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 3:58:09 PM)
Sorry to hear things didn't work out. You may have to be more specific with what happened. You aren't required to share, mind you, but it may help get the answers that you're looking for. For a generalized answer, I've been there. Anxiety can be a bitch. My advice would be to slow down in your next encounter, figure out what it is that you want and whether this connection can do it for you both.

uksubmale31 -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 4:00:44 PM)
I think I felt degraded or humiliated, I know that's kind of the idea but I felt a bit angry it when I got home, I couldn't believe I let someone treat me that way, I felt a bit shocked

RockaRolla -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 4:03:37 PM)
Perhaps humiliation isn't your thing. Did something specific trigger you or was it the whole scene? Sounds like this experience can be positive in the long run. You learned something about yourself.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 4:36:46 PM)
True Humiliation will tend to do that. It's a normal and natural emotional reaction. There are many sources for true humiliation in life itself, without the mightily magic powers of a Dom/me involved. You have just felt the sparks of anger, congratulations. It's apparent you are upset with yourself for letting somebody else treat you in the manner which you were. News flash, there's no requirement for humiliation for the sake of humiliation to be involved in D/s. Sure, it can be extremely arousing for many. Did she get off on this? Did it bring her pleasure? Did it allow her to explore and face a part of her own humanity as well? Sure, you are sitting there thinking about yourself. That you can't believe you let her do that to you. (whatever those things were). She may or may not be thinking to herself.. OMG I can't believe I just did that to somebody else. Perhaps not though. Perhaps she did these things without a second thought. Not everything is done for the sake of pleasure involved, at times it's an exploration and testing of one's own humanity, their limits. When I speak of humanity I speak of the moral shades of grey. Some submissive types are very much at large and in charge at their workplaces and such, they seek a release. Some don't. Some people have a submissive personality in general. The same goes with Dominants. Some are naturally or dominant in all aspects of life. Some don't hold the at large and in charge authority and power in their jobs. Some seeks Authority and Dominion over their own households or personal lives. They want to come home and bask in experiencing the exactly opposite of what they have. There are so many possible reasons behind people's motivations, behaviors and etc. I've known some subs, which wanted to serve in any and all ways to bring pleasure, release and be of service. To serve as a means as a stress outlet. So many variations as to why one submits to another or not. Humiliation can make one stronger. Humiliation can lead to making one weaker. Humiliation can even make one become neurotic as all Hell too. Also, what might truly humiliate one person might not even humiliate another. Some people even play with self humiliation. Even self humiliation varies. So do it to teach themselves a lesson. So do it to challenge and grow their own sense of self esteem, ego, or whatever. Some people have extremely strong prides and are very easy to humiliate. Even those which wear the Dominant label experience humiliation. Humiliation is all part of being human. This is something you need to work out. Hopefully, you don't lock yourself in a dimly lit closest and scribble on the walls with a purple crayon. Although, that would be rather Entertaining for some of us if you did. Why? Because we enjoy such delightful thoughts.

FieryOpal -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 4:47:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RockaRolla Perhaps humiliation isn't your thing. Did something specific trigger you or was it the whole scene? Sounds like this experience can be positive in the long run. You learned something about yourself. It isn't true, uksub, that feeling degraded or humiliated is a mandatory FemDom fetish when you say "I know that's kind of the idea." There is nothing in D/s or BDSM practices where humiliation is mandatory. My last sub was not into humiliation & punishment dynamics, which was fine with me. There can also be sexual humiliation, the mental-verbal name-calling, without degradation. It sounds to me that you were eager to experience kinky scenes with a Dominant woman without knowing yourself well enough to match up compatible kinks & fetishes. I've found that most male subs I hear from have scripted fantasies, down to the minutest (fetishy) detail, and a large majority of them (think they) want to be humiliated. Not all of us are into sado-masochism either, and it's possible that you aren't a masochist. Also, I believe that any BDSM provider should have screened you carefully ahead of time. If you just picked a "pro" Top who charged the lowest fee, then chances are you didn't see a Pro-Domme. A Pro-Domme will not ordinarily advertise sexual services to new clients, from what I hear, and that can be a way for you to ferret out role-playing call girls from an experienced BDSM provider.

shiftyw -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 5:20:05 PM)
I have PTSD. It results in similar things to what you described. Figure out what is more than you can chew, don't get dominated by strangers who don't want to do the background work or aftercare of you need it. I like certain humiliation, but for me, if it's about my body, I'm done, I safeword out. I think if you figure out what set you off, and avoid it in the future it would serve you well. Do you have a link friendly therapist?

DesFIP -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/18/2014 6:52:22 PM)
Sounds a little like a kid let loose in a candy shop, overdoes it and winds up with a stomach ache. Stuff that sounds great in fantasy doesn't always work so well in reality. You could dream your whole life of going deep sea fishing and then discovering that you suffer from sea sickness. Did you tell her you had zero experience? Because she needed to know this. In future, slow down. Don't try to do it all at once. Experiment and don't feel bad for saying "Hey, this isn't working for me, let's try something else." And for many people, just anyone won't do. Many of us can only do this inside of a relationship. If that's what you need, then a pro domme won't ever feel right for you.

uksubmale31 -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/19/2014 3:38:54 AM)
Thanks for the replies Tbh I'd only spoken to her for like an hour or so then she invited me to her house. Has anyone got any advice on how I let go of this feeling of being humiliated or am I stuck with it now?

Lucylastic -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/19/2014 5:47:41 AM)
Personally, I would need more information, like others have asked. Is it that "SHE" overstepped" your boundaries, or that you went over your own? Are you feeling humiliated that you went looking for something that you normally would never do? or did she play the humiliation / degredation game and it went to far out of your comfort zone?. there is a big difference altho, im not saying either is a good experience, just the place you are coming from. Im asking...not judging What exactly do you feel humiliated about? letting go of the feeling is yes possible , but for me, you would need to clarify what caused the feeling to be able to direct you to a "solution". Good luck oh... probably a good idea to think about subjects that really dont "do it for you" for the next time you meet with a domme.

DesFIP -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/19/2014 5:49:01 AM)
Journal. Write it all out. Especially why you found it humiliating. Was it something you were brought up to believe? If so, do you still live your entire life according to the tenets of this person and if not, then why this one thing. The purpose of humiliation play can frequently be to make you feel stronger. If you can be called these names and still get up and function, then being called less offensive things by your boss will have less impact on you in the future. Write down affirmations and put them all over the place so when you open a cabinet you will see something that will make you feel better. And realize that she did this simply because many male subs do enjoy this, so she assumed you wanted it too. Learn from this that you need to be able to talk to people about what you're looking for, because as you've seen, the odds of them reading your mind are slim.

GoddessManko -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/19/2014 6:46:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic Personally, I would need more information, like others have asked. Is it that "SHE" overstepped" your boundaries, or that you went over your own? I have to agree with Lucy. I always and always ask limits, both hard and soft. The sub men (not saying you are guilty of this), CONSISTENTLY AND ALWAYS say "scat, blood,kids, animals (maybe piss)." And THAT'S IT. This pattern has NEVER changed in my experience. Is it because their scope of bdsm is so limited? I do not know. But sometimes I volunteer fetishes like "electroshock", "wax", "cbt", "long term chastity", "ball stretching", "asphyxiation". I have to actually do that so they can tell me "tried that, never done that, or "what is that?" I would also say a lot of subs have a hard perception of their limits on a scale of 1-10 for said fetish which I also ask, because I had a sub fall asleep hogtied and clothespinned before and he was perfectly fine, and one who could hang 10 lb weights from his balls. Those are my "10's" on that scale. NOT everyone can do that, nor do I expect them to. I find that some Dommes do like to push limits and green light it, but they have to have a clear picture of your personal limits. Although in this case, it's a bit of the anxiety and depression surfacing and finding a reason to manifest. You were impulsive, but so was she. I would say taking a time out is healthy.However, I have to tell you with my experience with people with money, and when you let someone control your life in that sense. Using things like monetary gifts to win your favor they will almost always try to get their dollar's worth. So be careful in such pursuits as well.

MsDDom -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 11:07:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uksubmale31 I think I felt degraded or humiliated, I know that's kind of the idea but I felt a bit angry it when I got home, I couldn't believe I let someone treat me that way, I felt a bit shocked IMHO, this statement is most poignant to me... You have to know what you are getting involved with before you take that big leap. If going to a prodomme was your coming out, you negotiated your play and fee...then you came out and experienced what you talked about with the profession. If you did not safeword out, then perhaps you were in the crux of enjoying the moment. You lived and experience. Now, you should operate off the lessons learned from the experience. Like you said, there is no one to blame.

GotSteel -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 12:28:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uksubmale31 I think I felt degraded or humiliated, I know that's kind of the idea... Not at all. Sure some people love humiliation play, but for the rest who aren't into it, humiliation should not be present.

DarkSteven -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 1:06:39 PM)
I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I'll give it a go. It sounds like you went and paid a pro Domme for a session. She either gave you a sampler consisting of numerous activities including humiliation, or gave you a 100% humiliation session. You did not show any cause for concern during the session, but the unpleasantness came later. First off, she did nothing wrong since you did not tell her that humiliation was off the table and did not show any negative effects at the time. It's true that you had a bad reaction, but that couldn't have been predicted. Some men would have had a very positive reaction. "Has anyone got any advice on how I let go of this feeling of being humiliated or am I stuck with it now?" I agree with shiftyw. I don't think the session itself did anything to you directly, but it triggered a flashback to something. See what treatment is available for PTSD. I know it's painful, but think of it as growth. You now know that humiliation is a hard limit, and to go slow exploring things in future. I'd advise for flogging, bondage, whips, spanking, etc. in future, that you budget ten minutes at the end of a session for aftercare, to let you down gently. My girlfriend GoddessManko ment

crazyml -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 1:54:32 PM)
Hey, I'm sorry you had this experience. I think that if it's affecting you this strongly, you might want to consider seeing a kink friendly counsellor. I am about as far as you can possibly be from being "qualified" but I can't help wondering (as others have) if there's something else at play. I doubt this will help much... but I could give you a long long list of the ill-advised, and occasionally completely fucking foolish things I've done in my life.. But what's done is done - and the fact that you appear to have learned something useful from the experience could arguably be counted as a win. So... pull your socks up and move on! (And I mean that in an encouraging way)... there are plenty more screw-ups to be had, and in the middle of those will be some awesome times for you.

ProfessorApple -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 3:31:09 PM)
All of us are different. One of My slaves was beaten by a Domme and hated it. Others love it. At least you now know what you don't want. Many subs tell Me they want humiliation, but in reality when I train them, they don't. Professor Apple

FieryOpal -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 4:03:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I'm not 100% sure what happened, but I'll give it a go. It sounds like you went and paid a pro Domme for a session. She either gave you a sampler consisting of numerous activities including humiliation, or gave you a 100% humiliation session. You did not show any cause for concern during the session, but the unpleasantness came later. First off, she did nothing wrong since you did not tell her that humiliation was off the table and did not show any negative effects at the time. It's true that you had a bad reaction, but that couldn't have been predicted. Some men would have had a very positive reaction. <snip> I don't think any of us know what really happened during OP's pro session. I'm not even sure he knew how to safeword or that he could withdraw consent once money had changed hands, whether he felt he was trapped and had to act totally compliant. There are just too many missing details. Listen, uksubmale31, we've all been clueless newbies before, every single one of us. You live and you learn. My first sub after my husband was inexperienced and thought he wanted to be humiliated with Golden Showers. He had bashfully expressed several times that he sought humiliation. I told him I would consider his request and get back to him on it. My husband had wanted to be sexually humiliated but we'd never gotten into that kind of play, and I didn't find the idea particularly erotic. The point is, this sub had watched it being done in FemDom porn and gotten himself attached to a scripted sort of BDSM fantasy scenario which had little to do with an authentic D/s dynamic between intimate partners. I still have ambivalent feelings myself about whether I want a sub who seeks to act out humiliation fetishes (or being "forced" to do this and "forced" to do that). If a newbie considers being dominated and his acting submissive to a Dominant woman as being humiliating, then he needs to work out those sorts of issues with himself and wrestle with his own inner demons before involving somebody else.

Bhruic -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/20/2014 9:50:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uksubmale31 I think I felt degraded or humiliated, I know that's kind of the idea but I felt a bit angry it when I got home, I couldn't believe I let someone treat me that way, I felt a bit shocked Do you fantasize about being humiliated and degraded when you are alone? If so, it is possible that it is your thing, but perhaps you have not yet reconciled your sexual identity (in the sense of who you are and what you like sexually) with the identity you show the world. Most people are taught, and society tells them, that they should feel shame at non vanilla sexual desires. This can make exploring those desires difficult and very emotional in the beginning. It's difficult to accept that society, and other people, don't care as much as we think they care... and to transform the face we show the world in to the face of who we really are. Whether this fits your personality or not, try not to judge yourself. It's just another experiment in life that teaches you more about who you are. An after thought... did you ejaculate during the session? Many men experience a crash after ejaculation, and some things that were intensely exciting before ejaculation become utterly unexciting afterward. If the session was on-going after you experienced that crash, it might have had a particularly negative emotional effect on you, that could be fed by your anxiety and depression. If this fits, then realize that you may well arrive at a time when you want to try the experience of being humiliated by a Domme again, but perhaps instruct her that she should not let you ejaculate during the session... then you can go home and think about the session and masturbate to orgasm, and assess how you feel about the experience from that perspective. As for letting go of the feeling of being humiliated... Realize that you were in control, and you chose humiliation because you thought you would enjoy it. You know that already, so you are holding on to the feeling on purpose for reasons only you know. Just let it go. But if it turns out that deep down you do enjoy humiliation, then don't let it go too far. You'll want it back ;-)

Musicmystery -> RE: Going too far with femdom (10/21/2014 7:05:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: uksubmale31 A while ago I met a domme, whilst I found it exciting I think I went too far. Im kind of vulnerable to anxiety and depression, I've had to work hard on being more assertive and setting boundaries with controlling people in the real world After having anxiety for so long my confidence was sky high one day and I was bored and went to visit a domme I think it overstepped my boundaries, even though I accept I chose to go and I was a bit too eager or impulsive. I've gone a bit into my shell since this happened and whilst I'm not blaming or judging anyone else it has effected me Can anyone offer any advice? Thanks Seriously? Dude. 1) Duh, don't do it again, and 2) Next time, travel the slower courtship/seduction path so you have some sort of relationship with the other person. Here endeth the lesson.

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