RE: Intimacy (into me you see)

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RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/24/2014 12:11:37 PM

IrishMist

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~another general reply~

I am actually finding this thread quite interesting for some reason.

I don't know if the OP's question was misunderstood by me, or generally misunderstood, or just not asked as coherently as it could have been. But, I am having a hard time digesting some of the responses.

I think...and only can guess at this unless the OP decides to come back and tell me different...but I think that the OP was referring to early conversations with Dominants, and the expectations that us 's' types answer every question in detail and indepth; displaying all the emotional baggage that comes with finding answers truthfully. And that is where my original response came from. That yes, I do think that the give and take of information should be equal in that if someone was to ask me why I like being beat with a fist; and I answered truthfully...that he/she should be willing to tell me why they like using their fists.
Give and take of information.

DS...and I am not picking on you, just using you since your answers seemed to disturb me the most

If I am understanding correctly, you are saying that me asking you something like that would be considered 'not answerable' because you would feel that it had no impact on the actual play itself ( being your reason for liking to use your fists)
...and I know that this is an extreme example, and anyone reading should know that it is hypothetical only...

But, should not information like that be shared mutually? Or do most Dominants feel that such a question asked of them is unnecessary?

DS made mention of something he learned of his girl years after they had been in a relationship. I don't see this as withholding information...but rather as something that, while needing to be shared, was painful enough that it took time for the trust to build to allow it to be said.

Many dominants don't realize that trust of this kind takes ALOT of time to come into being. It does not happen overnight, over a week, over a month...or even over a year. It takes a lot of time.
And this kind of holding back, on both the Dominant and the submissive side, is understandable.

But, the OP was asking about just general get to know you information. What do you like, what are your hobbies, what are your dreams, what are your goals, where do you see yourself 5 yrs from now, etc etc.

Dominants ask us these kinds of questions all the time, expecting that we will answer. Yet, if we ask the same of them, our questions are ignored, or told that they are unimportant.
That's where my response came from.

That I believe there should be an equal sharing of information between parties.

( and I know that this made no sense what-so-ever, but believe or not, I am trying to curb my instinct to rant and rave, and I think that DS's first response just touched a nerve that set off my 'rant and rave' radar)

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RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/24/2014 2:17:08 PM

DarkSteven

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IrishMist, I'm not following. The original question was, do you think both Dom and sub should share information equally?

I feel that information can and must be shared, but not necessarily equally.

It is mandatory to share information that could impact play if such play will be used. Physical limitations. Likes, dislikes, hard limits.

It is mandatory to share info about relationship status, etc. Poly is fine, cheating is not.

Then there's the stuff that really should be shared to some degree but not required - what happened on the job today, why a specific college major was chosen, etc. This is the stuff of genuine intimacy, knowing the other person. I believe that this should be shared, but I don't know how it could be measured to ensure it is shared "equally". I might consider refusal to share this to be a red flag, but think there could be legitimate reasons for not sharing - I just can't think of them.

Finally, there's the deeply hidden stuff. Whether someone had an abortion. Getting beaten up in school. Childhood abuse. Rapes. In this category, sharing is optional. If someone chooses to share, okay, but I would never force any of this. I do know of one case where someone gave this info to her Dom, and he gaslighted her - that makes me leery of sharing this kind of thing.

Does that clarify?

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Post #: 42

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/25/2014 2:03:22 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I do know of one case where someone gave this info to her Dom, and he gaslighted her - that makes me leery of sharing this kind of thing.

Does that clarify?

This is confusing. If a sub can't trust to share such deep information with a dom without being afraid that his gonna gaslight her, then that sub shouldn't be trusting him for anything else either. And if he gaslighted her! He is not a good dom. But as with choosing any life partner, you're hopefully gonna connect with someone whom you can trust with sensitive information and his gonna protect you instead of using it against you.

I don't know, I don't get this.

Unless you are refering to casual d/s play with no commitment from either party, then yea, of course don't share with him everything.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 10/25/2014 2:05:32 AM >

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Post #: 43

RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/25/2014 9:40:00 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

Does that clarify?

Actually no lol, but I think I am just not explaining my confusion very well.

Oh well. I'll leave it the wind and hope that after a few days, my mind might clairify things.

/shrug

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RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/26/2014 2:19:55 PM

DesFIP

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My confusion here stems from the op using the term intimacy. To me, that doesn't mean getting to know you questions like are you married, are you addicted to meth, and so on. Intimacy to me is something that happens inside of a relationship. And my personal experience is that if you expect the other person to share all of their hot buttons while not trusting them to be kind when you share your own, then the relationship won't last.

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RE: Intimacy (into me you see) - 10/28/2014 4:32:04 AM

PeggyO

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My personal view: do not expect a level of intimacy and disclosure from me that you are not prepared to return. I'm not interested in a one way street.

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Post #: 46