Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Newbie needing help


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Newbie needing help Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Newbie needing help - 10/23/2014 1:26:16 PM   
needingrelease50


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/24/2014
Status: offline
I just had an interaction with a Domme. Everything was going fine until I received this post which I am copying and pasting verbatim.
" Good afternoon slave I can not view your profile. Do you have a face pic? I will ask you some preliminary questions first. Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. What is your previous cuckolding experience? Do you own a chastity device? If yes what type? Do you have children? Pets? What is your net monthly income? Are you working or retired? If working what kind of work do you do? Do you work from home? Do you own a home or rent? What size is your home? Can you relocate if requested? Goddess"

My question is, are these the type of questions I should expect from most dominants? I really feel uncomfortable with the more personal ones. Am I being too paranoid here?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/23/2014 1:29:49 PM   
LadyWithTheCanes


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/18/2014
Status: offline
The ones asking about your income seem like they are setting up for asking you for money.

(in reply to needingrelease50)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/23/2014 1:42:47 PM   
needingrelease50


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/24/2014
Status: offline
When I messaged her back stating I was uncomfortable answering the personal questions even though I answered everything else openly and honestly this is what I got back.
"You are the first one to say that I have several good potential cucks now NO interest in you "

Is this a sign that they are just trying to scam me for money? If so what is the best way to handle these type of people without offending those that are true dominants? I am just wanting to learn the proper protocols so I don't misread something and miss out on an opportunity because I am being paranoid.

(in reply to LadyWithTheCanes)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/23/2014 1:49:59 PM   
LadyWithTheCanes


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/18/2014
Status: offline
You stated clearly what you were uncomfortable with and she got all shitty on you?

What would've happened if you stated that you were uncomfortable with something once she had actually got you in the same room, in real life?

You dodged a bullet. Move on.

(in reply to needingrelease50)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/23/2014 1:58:33 PM   
needingrelease50


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/24/2014
Status: offline
Thanks

(in reply to LadyWithTheCanes)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 1:17:20 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
Based on that message it sounded like her first one to you. How long had you conversed and about what topics? That, the rushed grammatical structure of her messages and her calling you 'slave' set up red flags.

Like the above stated she moved way too fast. It's reminiscent of guys who message females skipping straight into sex and moving on when that's not on the table. "No time for fun stuff bye." It seemed like she wanted a quick thrill and had no patience for anything but. It's very possible that she was not who she said she was and it would not have moved beyond a one-sided online encounter. LWTC is right, you dodged a bullet.

(in reply to needingrelease50)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 2:19:46 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
Her line of questioning may seem borderline but, everything she asked, marriage, kids, pets, employment, financial status are relevant to your being able to commit to her... with one weird exception, "What size is your home?"

When you said you didn't want to divulge your level of experience, what family baggage you have, your commitments to family or work, she rightfully blew you off. I would have. I don't think she would have blown you off if she was chasing your money. I could be wrong and she could have been playing the end game, but she appears to have been seeking information about your capacity to commit to her. And Findommes are loaded with prospects, they usually don't play the end game. It's your money or move along.

Maybe you should have answered most of those questions? They really are typical concerns in discovering roadblocks to an intimate relationship. Her list of questions probably comes from her experience with things that create hurdles in relationship like the married and cheating, a single father with a passel of kids in tow, a broke unemployed horndog that can't afford the gear and etc.

Was she out of line, not at all. They were valid questions and many are on my list of "20 questions" when I first meet a prospect.... except that one question about the size of your house LOL. Were you paranoid... a little bit.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.


(in reply to needingrelease50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 4:29:41 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
" Good afternoon slave I can not view your profile. Do you have a face pic? I will ask you some preliminary questions first. Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. What is your previous cuckolding experience? Do you own a chastity device? If yes what type? Do you have children? Pets? What is your net monthly income? Are you working or retired? If working what kind of work do you do? Do you work from home? Do you own a home or rent? What size is your home? Can you relocate if requested? Goddess"

1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 4:48:17 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

" Good afternoon slave I can not view your profile. Do you have a face pic? I will ask you some preliminary questions first. Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. What is your previous cuckolding experience? Do you own a chastity device? If yes what type? Do you have children? Pets? What is your net monthly income? Are you working or retired? If working what kind of work do you do? Do you work from home? Do you own a home or rent? What size is your home? Can you relocate if requested? Goddess"

1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.

As usual, DS, you made the point better than I could.

OP, the questions by themselves may not have been suspicious but I suspect something set off an alarm bell in your head and this was your reason for using caution. If this was an overseas scammer as DS suspects she could have used this information to turn around and blackmail you. It's not unheard of for this to happen. With those questions and some clever internet usage she could find out where you live and work, and from there contact info for your employer or loved ones.

I experimented with this once, and with nothing to start but a profile picture I was able to find someone's Google+ profile, and from there a full name, contact information, relative information, and three properties where they would possibly be living (her question about the size of your house could narrow that down to one.)

There is nothing wrong with exercising caution, especially in the first few messages and especially if they are making you uncomfortable.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 6:40:00 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

......... 1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.


Really, I disagree. She felt a little bit old school to me. Care to explore this with me in discussion?

Calling him slave . . .
I am surprised to see you react negatively to her calling him slave and you're not alone in that reaction. I don't get it? If "slave" like gender identity is a personal choice... a BDSM relationship role choice, then cannot a slave be a slave even if unowned? If so, then is calling a slave, slave really improper or rushing?

Most of the people in my world address "Master John" and "slave jane" as that even upon first introduction. If slave jane, who is not anyone's property, brings you a drink, it is as proper to say, "thank you slave" as it is to say, "thank you slave jane." It is her title, her role choice and not impolite to address her as such.

I'm not from that impolite TNG "fuck you respect is earned" crowd. I open doors for ladies even if that is being chauvinistic because they are perfectly capable of opening their own doors... so I know I have a blind spot to it. Besides not addressing people by the title and gender they identify with out of disrespect, I also think some people feel slave, like sir or Master implies possession, do you?

Goddess . . .
That could go several different ways and if it was part of her screen name, it may have been more casual than anything. Otherwise, it rolls down the same road as calling a slave, slave to me.

Scammer . . .
I kept in mind that the OP has a cock centric "do me" type of name, a hidden profile and had prior communications with her, but she couldn't view his profile (which is still hidden). He isn't giving up any info. So her query felt like a sincere list of things that needed to be addressed. I can only imagine the extent of their prior conversations. But, who cares if his favorite color is blue and he likes long walks on the beach if he is divorced, has no experience, 7 kids and unemployed? I think her list cut to the chase with old school expertise and warded off a potential wanker very quickly.

Wouldn't surprise me if she turned out to be a scammer, this is the internet. But why would she ask about his experience, gear, kids, pets and all those other things that bear on relationship potential factors? Why not just lay out the typical FinDomme bait about chastity and spelling out how they will be treated if they come on board? You know, the, "you will be my piggy etc". She didn't once focus on herself in her reply, she seemed interested in him and his situation as it would apply to him potentially serving her (old school focus) . . . except that how big is your house stuff. But a dowry is a formal concern. My own slave came to me with a dowry. She has a career that provides income and contributes to our sustainability. Here is how I saw what that "Goddess" said:

*Good afternoon slave (polite formal)
*Do you have a face pic? (Cares more about his looks. More concerned about attractiveness than his wallet or his kink)
*I will ask you some preliminary questions first. (Experienced domly approach, telling him what she about to require of him before doing it)
*Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. (Tells him about herself and why she is attached to her location)
* Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. (Polite)
*What is your previous cuckolding experience? (Wants to know his level of experience)
*Do you own a chastity device? (Wants to know if he is geared up and ready)
*If yes what type? (Wants to know is she is familiar with is gear, whether it's time lock etc)
*Do you have children? (Wants to know about his availability and family commitment)
*Pets? (Want to know if she takes him in, does she inherit an animal too)
*What is your net monthly income? (Can he support himself and/or help support her family)
*Are you working or retired? (What are the conditions of that support and how it affects his availability)
*If working what kind of work do you do? (Typical relationship concerns, is smelly sewer worker, an executive or what?)
*Do you work from home? (Concerned about his ability to relocate and maintain his income)
*Do you own a home or rent? (Ability to relocate w/o having to sell a house first)
*What size is your home? (I have no clue unless it is his ability to have her relocate to him)
*Can you relocate if requested? (Obviously she is interested in a personal, intimate live in relationship)

Goddess

. . . I don't know DarkSteven, to me she seems like a straight up Domly type woman wondering how far her potential partner can go and what he brings to the table if they do go there. Feels like a valid, quick, cut to the chase no BS list anyone interested in a committed relationship should be expected to answer. Doesn't seem like a scam to me. Seems like a practiced old school Domme asking the right questions before she learns what his favorite color or kink is. I am very interested how you saw what she said and why it triggered your scammer flags. We both have some years behind us and I often enjoy seeing your perspectives.


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 6:49:38 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

" Good afternoon slave I can not view your profile. Do you have a face pic? I will ask you some preliminary questions first. Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. What is your previous cuckolding experience? Do you own a chastity device? If yes what type? Do you have children? Pets? What is your net monthly income? Are you working or retired? If working what kind of work do you do? Do you work from home? Do you own a home or rent? What size is your home? Can you relocate if requested? Goddess"

1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.


It is strange to enforce protocols suggestively so early but it MIGHT be her thing.
DS knows I sign my emails with "Manko", my real name or not at all. I prefer honorifics to be uttered in the midst of play, that's how you know you're REALLY having a good time *chuckle*.
I hate to be the one to throw wrench into a perfectly well oiled machine as everyone has made good points but I have a differing perspective.
1. She may be seeking long term and she is a finance major (LOL).
2. She would want to know relatively early your flexibility, mobility, "stability" etc. before pursuit.
3. Unless seeking a play partner these questions seem natural and normal. If I was considering an s and he lacked an ability to relocate and a toddler child he cares for every other weekend, I'd LOVE to know.
4. Time will tell. Get to know her, approach it glass half full. She might have had some idiot ex who had horrible credit and dragged hers through the dirt. You just never know, so at least share a couple of emails before casting judgement.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 10/26/2014 6:50:36 PM >


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 6:56:44 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

......... 1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.


Really, I disagree. She felt a little bit old school to me. Care to explore this with me in discussion?

Calling him slave . . .
I am surprised to see you react negatively to her calling him slave and you're not alone in that reaction. I don't get it? If "slave" like gender identity is a personal choice... a BDSM relationship role choice, then cannot a slave be a slave even if unowned? If so, then is calling a slave, slave really improper or rushing?

Most of the people in my world address "Master John" and "slave jane" as that even upon first introduction. If slave jane, who is not anyone's property, brings you a drink, it is as proper to say, "thank you slave" as it is to say, "thank you slave jane." It is her title, her role choice and not impolite to address her as such.

I'm not from that impolite TNG "fuck you respect is earned" crowd. I open doors for ladies even if that is being chauvinistic because they are perfectly capable of opening their own doors... so I know I have a blind spot to it. Besides not addressing people by the title and gender they identify with out of disrespect, I also think some people feel slave, like sir or Master implies possession, do you?

Goddess . . .
That could go several different ways and if it was part of her screen name, it may have been more casual than anything. Otherwise, it rolls down the same road as calling a slave, slave to me.

Scammer . . .
I kept in mind that the OP has a cock centric "do me" type of name, a hidden profile and had prior communications with her, but she couldn't view his profile (which is still hidden). He isn't giving up any info. So her query felt like a sincere list of things that needed to be addressed. I can only imagine the extent of their prior conversations. But, who cares if his favorite color is blue and he likes long walks on the beach if he is divorced, has no experience, 7 kids and unemployed? I think her list cut to the chase with old school expertise and warded off a potential wanker very quickly.

Wouldn't surprise me if she turned out to be a scammer, this is the internet. But why would she ask about his experience, gear, kids, pets and all those other things that bear on relationship potential factors? Why not just lay out the typical FinDomme bait about chastity and spelling out how they will be treated if they come on board? You know, the, "you will be my piggy etc". She didn't once focus on herself in her reply, she seemed interested in him and his situation as it would apply to him potentially serving her (old school focus) . . . except that how big is your house stuff. But a dowry is a formal concern. My own slave came to me with a dowry. She has a career that provides income and contributes to our sustainability. Here is how I saw what that "Goddess" said:

*Good afternoon slave (polite formal)
*Do you have a face pic? (Cares more about his looks. More concerned about attractiveness than his wallet or his kink)
*I will ask you some preliminary questions first. (Experienced domly approach, telling him what she about to require of him before doing it)
*Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. (Tells him about herself and why she is attached to her location)
* Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. (Polite)
*What is your previous cuckolding experience? (Wants to know his level of experience)
*Do you own a chastity device? (Wants to know if he is geared up and ready)
*If yes what type? (Wants to know is she is familiar with is gear, whether it's time lock etc)
*Do you have children? (Wants to know about his availability and family commitment)
*Pets? (Want to know if she takes him in, does she inherit an animal too)
*What is your net monthly income? (Can he support himself and/or help support her family)
*Are you working or retired? (What are the conditions of that support and how it affects his availability)
*If working what kind of work do you do? (Typical relationship concerns, is smelly sewer worker, an executive or what?)
*Do you work from home? (Concerned about his ability to relocate and maintain his income)
*Do you own a home or rent? (Ability to relocate w/o having to sell a house first)
*What size is your home? (I have no clue unless it is his ability to have her relocate to him)
*Can you relocate if requested? (Obviously she is interested in a personal, intimate live in relationship)

Goddess

. . . I don't know DarkSteven, to me she seems like a straight up Domly type woman wondering how far her potential partner can go and what he brings to the table if they do go there. Feels like a valid, quick, cut to the chase no BS list anyone interested in a committed relationship should be expected to answer. Doesn't seem like a scam to me. Seems like a practiced old school Domme asking the right questions before she learns what his favorite color or kink is. I am very interested how you saw what she said and why it triggered your scammer flags. We both have some years behind us and I often enjoy seeing your perspectives.



Agreed entirely. He might have missed an epic opportunity due to premature paranoia. Get to KNOW HER and open yourself up to anyone you will hope will give a damn enough about you to pursue a relationship. Even I give people the benefit of the doubt and most "sub" men on the other side are liars and time wasters. You need to be happy when a woman wants to know you this way vs "pay up piggy".

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 10/26/2014 6:57:41 PM >


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 7:02:39 PM   
PeggyO


Posts: 129
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
His profile name is not "slave" so I wouldn't expect someone to call him such. If someone introduces themselves as "Master John" or "Slave Jane" (with or without caps, since I've seen both) then it would make sense. But addressing someone like that out of the blue - not so much. Just like when some "domly dom" type calls me "girl". I consider it rude and an inappropriate attempt to create a hierarchy when we are still dealing as peers.

And honestly, if you are looking for a relationship, deal with people on a peer basis first and negotiate the power structure. This woman may or may not be a scammer, but honestly the questions about work and income would have triggered a red flag for me as well. Additionally she wanted to know LOTS of stuff about you but told you NOTHING about her. She is approaching you in a manner that doesn't scream "I want do have an actual relationship and I want to make sure we are both compatible with each other." I find that people who want to have actual relationships that work for BOTH parties will actually communicate in a person-to-person manner instead of creating instant hierarchy and doing the "domly dom" façade thing. (because yeah - that come one screamed façade - you can figure she's probably not that way in her day to day interactions with people because they'd tell her to fuck herself).

There are a myriad of reasons why you dodged a bullet on that one...............

While I'm not as certain as Dark Steven is that she's a scammer, I'm willing to bet she was going to get around to wanting "tribute" because her attitude kinda screams it................

(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 8:04:46 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
........ She may be seeking long term and she is a finance major (LOL).







Attachment (1)

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 8:19:59 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeggyO

His profile name is not "slave" so I wouldn't expect someone to call him such.

You don't know that because his profile is not visible. Nor do you know what SHE stated she wasseeking on her profile, which is likely a slave, ergo her way of talking to him.
quote:

If someone introduces themselves as "Master John" or "Slave Jane" (with or without caps, since I've seen both) then it would make sense.

Your point is once again invalid since people use honorifics and titles all the time in this lifestyle, this is fundamental and nothing new. NO ONE has any comments when female subs do it towards male Doms.
quote:

But addressing someone like that out of the blue - not so much. Just like when some "domly dom" type calls me "girl". I consider it rude and an inappropriate attempt to create a hierarchy when we are still dealing as peers.

If their protocols don't align with yours I'm assuming you move on. This woman is trying to get DATA on a potential "slave" to figure out if it is worth the pursuit. The petty nature of harboring all of this on how she demands to be addressed seems like anyone who does it any other way but the way you desire must be someone to be avoided.
quote:

And honestly, if you are looking for a relationship, deal with people on a peer basis first and negotiate the power structure. This woman may or may not be a scammer, but honestly the questions about work and income would have triggered a red flag for me as well. Additionally she wanted to know LOTS of stuff about you but told you NOTHING about her.

Right, she is the Domme, she chooses how, when, why and where to approach him if at all. Now he can go be a paypiggy for those who WON'T inquire such things at all. Well done.
I was gone all weekend, my s knew better than to hassle me or inquire to me about my whereabouts but I sure as hell inquired about his, That's how it works. This is NOT VANILLA, HELLO.
quote:

She is approaching you in a manner that doesn't scream "I want do have an actual relationship and I want to make sure we are both compatible with each other." I find that people who want to have actual relationships that work for BOTH parties will actually communicate in a person-to-person manner instead of creating instant hierarchy and doing the "domly dom" façade thing. (because yeah - that come one screamed façade - you can figure she's probably not that way in her day to day interactions with people because they'd tell her to fuck herself).

Are you kidding me? This is not some random chick off the street striking up a conversation with strangers, this is a FEMALE DOMME. The way I interact with any of you and the way I interact with people in vanilla world COMPLETELY DIFFER. On what planet is it not normal to ask about kids, family, pets and how the hell you look if she was planning on pursuing things with him? These are fundamental and practical questions any sane individual should ask before greenlighting on a long term dynamic. NOT PLAY PARTNERS.
Well good job OP, if it had been me and you didn't even want to reveal who you are, as in your visage, you would have BLOWN IT BLOWN IT BLOWN IT, so her response is appropriate. You don't give half hearted submission.

quote:

There are a myriad of reasons why you dodged a bullet on that one...............

No, there's not. I am saying this as a bonafide and full fledged female lifestyle D. NOT pro or fin.
quote:


While I'm not as certain as Dark Steven is that she's a scammer, I'm willing to bet she was going to get around to wanting "tribute" because her attitude kinda screams it................

Then why ask about pets and kids? I disagree and my thoughts are aligned with ResidentSadist.


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to PeggyO)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 8:33:32 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeggyO

His profile name is not "slave" so I wouldn't expect someone to call him such. If someone introduces themselves as "Master John" or "Slave Jane" (with or without caps, since I've seen both) then it would make sense. But addressing someone like that out of the blue - not so much. Just like when some "domly dom" type calls me "girl". I consider it rude and an inappropriate attempt to create a hierarchy when we are still dealing as peers.

And honestly, if you are looking for a relationship, deal with people on a peer basis first and negotiate the power structure. This woman may or may not be a scammer, but honestly the questions about work and income would have triggered a red flag for me as well. Additionally she wanted to know LOTS of stuff about you but told you NOTHING about her. She is approaching you in a manner that doesn't scream "I want do have an actual relationship and I want to make sure we are both compatible with each other." I find that people who want to have actual relationships that work for BOTH parties will actually communicate in a person-to-person manner instead of creating instant hierarchy and doing the "domly dom" façade thing. (because yeah - that come one screamed façade - you can figure she's probably not that way in her day to day interactions with people because they'd tell her to fuck herself).

There are a myriad of reasons why you dodged a bullet on that one...............

While I'm not as certain as Dark Steven is that she's a scammer, I'm willing to bet she was going to get around to wanting "tribute" because her attitude kinda screams it................

Your perspective that choosing a relationship role makes you unequal is unfathomable to me. I am of equal worth with my slave, peers by definition (something of equal worth or quality). Even more so now that I own her and she is family. Do you think slaves or submissives do not have equal value as their counterparts? And if you are an s-type, why would you stop being an s-type when you are with a potential D-type partner? Sounds counter productive.

It seems you are trying to put a square peg in a round hole and don't get the point. Your advice to negotiate is good D/s style relationship advice. However, it has nothing to do with the world of M/s and neither of us know what prior communications transpired except she couldn't see his profile and wanted to know more about him. By her words and attitude, which is all we have, it seems she was looking for a slave as she addressed him as such. Being he contacted her (his profile hidden, she couldn't have initially contacted him), he should be of that orientation. If he is not slave, then again, good on her for dumping a wanker with a hidden profile that doesn't want to talk about himself or what he offers a relationship. How you can't see that baffles me.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 10/26/2014 8:34:52 PM >


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.


(in reply to PeggyO)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 9:21:12 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
.......This is NOT VANILLA, HELLO.

Dear GoddessManko,

I thought I was a decent writer sharing relevant perspectives. But never in so few words have I seen it said so concisely. I just wish I had just said that instead of the wall of text I posted in my reply!


I used to get tired swimming upstream against the the 50 Shades of Grey crowd when they came... hordes of those horny housewives and insta-Doms flooded the online communities preaching that the leather lifestyle is like that vanilla romance novel. They were spewing politically correct slogans and waving SSC banners while promoting one true wayisms. Claiming they live by these great politically correct, non offensive completely negotiable rules. What a load of crap. Most of the people I considered peers left. That shit wore me out completely.

Every once in a while I see who is standing near me trying to explain the same perspectives to people and it is refreshing. Sorta' makes me feel like this place may not go to hell in hand basket full of SSC flags on a road paved with 50 Shades of Grey books. So for your words that reflect reality as I know it, I thank you. This is not vanilla and bashing someone for practicing normal lifestyle protocols is just 50 shades of silly.

Best Wishes,
Kalon Eric

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/26/2014 10:07:57 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

......... 1. Calling you "slave" and herself "Goddess" is premature. She's rushing, especially if you haven't really talked to determine compatibility.
2. "Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here" is very bad grammar and stilted. It makes me suspicious that English is not her native language.
3. Same with the use of the word "inquiries" instead of "questions".

I suspect an overseas scammer.


Really, I disagree. She felt a little bit old school to me. Care to explore this with me in discussion?


Sure.
quote:



Calling him slave . . .
I am surprised to see you react negatively to her calling him slave and you're not alone in that reaction. I don't get it? If "slave" like gender identity is a personal choice... a BDSM relationship role choice, then cannot a slave be a slave even if unowned? If so, then is calling a slave, slave really improper or rushing?

Most of the people in my world address "Master John" and "slave jane" as that even upon first introduction. If slave jane, who is not anyone's property, brings you a drink, it is as proper to say, "thank you slave" as it is to say, "thank you slave jane." It is her title, her role choice and not impolite to address her as such.

I'm not from that impolite TNG "fuck you respect is earned" crowd. I open doors for ladies even if that is being chauvinistic because they are perfectly capable of opening their own doors... so I know I have a blind spot to it. Besides not addressing people by the title and gender they identify with out of disrespect, I also think some people feel slave, like sir or Master implies possession, do you?

Goddess . . .
That could go several different ways and if it was part of her screen name, it may have been more casual than anything. Otherwise, it rolls down the same road as calling a slave, slave to me.


If you were talking about people in RL who are in an existing relationship and/or have earned the title within the local or national community, I'd agree with you. But this is someone who clearly is calling a man slave and herself Mistress within the context of an online relationship with the potential to be offline. She's imposing those titles within a relationship prior to even meeting up.
quote:



Scammer . . .
I kept in mind that the OP has a cock centric "do me" type of name, a hidden profile and had prior communications with her, but she couldn't view his profile (which is still hidden). He isn't giving up any info. So her query felt like a sincere list of things that needed to be addressed. I can only imagine the extent of their prior conversations. But, who cares if his favorite color is blue and he likes long walks on the beach if he is divorced, has no experience, 7 kids and unemployed? I think her list cut to the chase with old school expertise and warded off a potential wanker very quickly.

Wouldn't surprise me if she turned out to be a scammer, this is the internet. But why would she ask about his experience, gear, kids, pets and all those other things that bear on relationship potential factors? Why not just lay out the typical FinDomme bait about chastity and spelling out how they will be treated if they come on board? You know, the, "you will be my piggy etc". She didn't once focus on herself in her reply, she seemed interested in him and his situation as it would apply to him potentially serving her (old school focus) . . . except that how big is your house stuff. But a dowry is a formal concern. My own slave came to me with a dowry. She has a career that provides income and contributes to our sustainability. Here is how I saw what that "Goddess" said:

*Good afternoon slave (polite formal)
*Do you have a face pic? (Cares more about his looks. More concerned about attractiveness than his wallet or his kink)
*I will ask you some preliminary questions first. (Experienced domly approach, telling him what she about to require of him before doing it)
*Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. (Tells him about herself and why she is attached to her location)
* Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. (Polite)
*What is your previous cuckolding experience? (Wants to know his level of experience)
*Do you own a chastity device? (Wants to know if he is geared up and ready)
*If yes what type? (Wants to know is she is familiar with is gear, whether it's time lock etc)
*Do you have children? (Wants to know about his availability and family commitment)
*Pets? (Want to know if she takes him in, does she inherit an animal too)
*What is your net monthly income? (Can he support himself and/or help support her family)
*Are you working or retired? (What are the conditions of that support and how it affects his availability)
*If working what kind of work do you do? (Typical relationship concerns, is smelly sewer worker, an executive or what?)
*Do you work from home? (Concerned about his ability to relocate and maintain his income)
*Do you own a home or rent? (Ability to relocate w/o having to sell a house first)
*What size is your home? (I have no clue unless it is his ability to have her relocate to him)
*Can you relocate if requested? (Obviously she is interested in a personal, intimate live in relationship)

Goddess

. . . I don't know DarkSteven, to me she seems like a straight up Domly type woman wondering how far her potential partner can go and what he brings to the table if they do go there. Feels like a valid, quick, cut to the chase no BS list anyone interested in a committed relationship should be expected to answer. Doesn't seem like a scam to me. Seems like a practiced old school Domme asking the right questions before she learns what his favorite color or kink is. I am very interested how you saw what she said and why it triggered your scammer flags. We both have some years behind us and I often enjoy seeing your perspectives.



Okay. Here's my take.


*Good afternoon slave (absolutely impolite unless a relationship has been established.)
*Do you have a face pic? (I agree that this shows she cares about looks. But the burning question she does NOT ask is why his profile is hidden. That's a huge red flag for a man with something to hide, like a marriage.)
*I will ask you some preliminary questions first. (Fine.)
*Since arriving to the Nashville area I really do love it here. (Stilted, and just weird. I'd say something like "I live in Nashville and love it here.")
* Please answer all questions and if you have inquiries I will try to get back to you as soon as I can. (Again, the word "inquiries" is a red flag. It's very British and not American. Sounds like an overseas scammer.)
*What is your previous cuckolding experience? (This and the next two questions raise red flags again. She's jumping right into kink before she knows him. The only women I know who do this are pros and scammers.)
*Do you own a chastity device? (WTF? If she's big into chastity, just tell him to buy something.)
*If yes what type? (Who cares? If it works, it works. It seems to me like she's feeding him kinkfantasy and trying to bait the hook with it.)
*Do you have children? (This is normal.)
*Pets? (This too.)
*What is your net monthly income? (Again, red flag. I was brought up not to ask this at this point. Asking him what he did for a living would be a far more normal question, and tells about him as a PERSON. Too many kink and money questions, not enough about him as a person.)
*Are you working or retired? (This is normal.)
*If working what kind of work do you do? (This too.)
*Do you work from home? (And this.)
*Do you own a home or rent? (I suspect this is an attempt to gauge assets.)
*What size is your home? (I assume this is a confused question to assess net worth.)
*Can you relocate if requested? (This is normal, although the "if requested" bothers me more than "if things work out". )

Goddess (again, this is presumptuous unless a solid relationship has been established.)

In addition to what I mentioned, it bothers me that the kink stuff she mentioned are cuckolding and chastity. Those, along with feminization, are way more popular with sub men than Dommes. It makes me think she's deliberately fishing for kinkmen instead of relationshipmen, which is a red flag too.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/27/2014 4:48:21 AM   
PeggyO


Posts: 129
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Your perspective that choosing a relationship role makes you unequal is unfathomable to me. I am of equal worth with my slave, peers by definition (something of equal worth or quality). Even more so now that I own her and she is family. Do you think slaves or submissives do not have equal value as their counterparts? And if you are an s-type, why would you stop being an s-type when you are with a potential D-type partner? Sounds counter productive.

It seems you are trying to put a square peg in a round hole and don't get the point. Your advice to negotiate is good D/s style relationship advice. However, it has nothing to do with the world of M/s and neither of us know what prior communications transpired except she couldn't see his profile and wanted to know more about him. By her words and attitude, which is all we have, it seems she was looking for a slave as she addressed him as such. Being he contacted her (his profile hidden, she couldn't have initially contacted him), he should be of that orientation. If he is not slave, then again, good on her for dumping a wanker with a hidden profile that doesn't want to talk about himself or what he offers a relationship. How you can't see that baffles me.


If someone expects you to be submissive to them immediately because they identify as a dominant and you as a submissive, I don't believe you can effectively negotiate the parameters of a relationship. That's completely aside from the fact that when I start interacting with someone there is no consent to a power dynamic. That's where the negotiation comes in.

I did not say that both are not of equal worth. I am saying that during the negotiation phase I do not believe that a power dynamic should be in play.

And that is particularly important if you're going to go into an Ms/TPE style of relationship where the stakes are potentially higher.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Newbie needing help - 10/27/2014 4:56:17 AM   
PeggyO


Posts: 129
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist


Dear GoddessManko,

I thought I was a decent writer sharing relevant perspectives. But never in so few words have I seen it said so concisely. I just wish I had just said that instead of the wall of text I posted in my reply!


I used to get tired swimming upstream against the the 50 Shades of Grey crowd when they came... hordes of those horny housewives and insta-Doms flooded the online communities preaching that the leather lifestyle is like that vanilla romance novel. They were spewing politically correct slogans and waving SSC banners while promoting one true wayisms. Claiming they live by these great politically correct, non offensive completely negotiable rules. What a load of crap. Most of the people I considered peers left. That shit wore me out completely.

Every once in a while I see who is standing near me trying to explain the same perspectives to people and it is refreshing. Sorta' makes me feel like this place may not go to hell in hand basket full of SSC flags on a road paved with 50 Shades of Grey books. So for your words that reflect reality as I know it, I thank you. This is not vanilla and bashing someone for practicing normal lifestyle protocols is just 50 shades of silly.

Best Wishes,
Kalon Eric


"Normal lifestyle protocols" - not sure what those are. In the time I've been around what I've mostly seen is common courtesy. There certainly has been no expectation in any of the places I've been that there be automatic deference to dominants from submissives or that the use of honorifics was an expectation. While obviously that would be an expectation at a high protocol type of event, that certainly hasn't been the default interaction mode at any of the events I've attended or groups I've belonged to or had the opportunity to participate in.

While I understand that some folks really enjoy protocol, I just want to point out that protocols are not universal nor have I seen a significant deterioration in the face to face manners people exhibit between now and the "good old days" of dial up AOL.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Newbie needing help Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125