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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 11:10:38 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a glutton too but then I'm a chef and we have a generous patisserie chef in house. I only eat five days a week mind, though I do have to taste what I cook on my days off food.

You tend to find out about bitches and gossipers early on so that's fairly easy.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 11:23:41 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I'm a glutton too but then I'm a chef and we have a generous patisserie chef in house. I only eat five days a week mind, though I do have to taste what I cook on my days off food.

You tend to find out about bitches and gossipers early on so that's fairly easy.


I haven't ever ate for the sake of eating. I eat as fresh and healthy as possible and if it isn't fresh, healthy, or doesn't taste good I'd rather fast. I don't ever get bored (if you are my friend on Fet you'll understand why), so I don't eat out of boredom.

When I am with someone she will always understand my attraction to her, feel it often, and suffer the results of me catching her irresistibly sexy. What she won't hear or see is me going gaga over someone else. I find it very rude and insensitive, and I wouldn't ever want her to doubt my desire for her or feel that it is less than or diminished because I make an ass of myself over someone else, but I'm a prick like that.

Jus sayin



_____________________________

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 11:39:29 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I guess I just haven't found a dominant willing to share the top spot with my dreams, motivations, and career.
I'll be 100% you're sharing me with those things, they are equally as important as you.

I also am struggling to think of a joint decision we made where we struggled with it, and I can't think of one.

I guess I'm just wondering if you're so willing to make the bed, let her have these freedoms, etc, where is the power exchange? It seems way more that all your negotiations went well and you've matched well. Everyone has rules. In any relationship, picking someone with rules you can follow and who follows yours is the basis of compatibility to me. I don't see that as dominant and submissive, just good compromising, which is done in any relationship.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 11:50:34 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		The power exchange is in the unquestionable obedience. If she is unable to give that, then I am very wrong for her and she is very wrong for me. It is a rare thing for me to just bark an order, but when I do, it best be obeyed. I have no interest in a power struggle, I know where my life is and where it is going, and if where I am and where I am going is where she wants to go, then woooo hoooo! But I'm the captain and it doesn't have to be ran as a death camp to have TPE, but her ass (and the rest of her) is Mine.

What you had before was really bad and sadly it gave you a view of D/s that is far from a functional reality as it can be.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 12:04:20 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I mean, I need an example.
Cause if I love my job here and my guy comes home and says we're moving or else just do it, imma be anything but obedient.
If he says, we are spending all the savings on a yacht, shut up, I'm going to be mad as hell unless we've just won the fucking lottery.

I mean clearly I have trust issues, so perhaps that is where I'm challenged here.

If my guy comes home now totally wiped out from work, I'll do the stupid dishes for him, but that is also vice versa. In my experience and observation of those with D/s relationships around me, you lose the vice versa. That is your submission, putting your shit on the back burner while the dom gets catered to and cared for. The Dom is the Sun and the stars and you don't get to have wants or desires.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 12:30:03 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

I mean, I need an example.
Cause if I love my job here and my guy comes home and says we're moving or else just do it, imma be anything but obedient.
If he says, we are spending all the savings on a yacht, shut up, I'm going to be mad as hell unless we've just won the fucking lottery.

I mean clearly I have trust issues, so perhaps that is where I'm challenged here.

If my guy comes home now totally wiped out from work, I'll do the stupid dishes for him, but that is also vice versa. In my experience and observation of those with D/s relationships around me, you lose the vice versa. That is your submission, putting your shit on the back burner while the dom gets catered to and cared for. The Dom is the Sun and the stars and you don't get to have wants or desires.


I'm the sun, but not of the particular universe you describe.

If I were to wake you up at dawn on a Saturday and say get dressed, we're going, you get dressed and you follow. You do not need to know the particulars, you just follow. It will not ever be random bug up my ass stuff, it will be deliberate and work within the time frame that is allotted for the adventure. It only becomes a problem when you say, "I've made these plans for today and I should've told you, but..." Plans are made around and with me, only.

As for buying a yacht, I've owned a few and will own a few more before it's all said and done, but that is a life effecting issue and wouldn't ever be sprang on anyone. I have an itch to circumnavigate and I will scratch that sucker in the most "lollygag, ooh look, a river, let's sail up it" way imaginable.

As for your work, I couldn't answer that one regarding your man. If it's a hard line and he knows it's a hard line, then it is what it is. However, I'm not looking to relocate "to" someone, so her job won't be an issue... that's why I prefer professional hit-women, they can live anywhere, work anywhere, and they rack up a shitload of sky-miles.

_____________________________

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 12:58:02 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Firstly, there is nothing prickish about showing adoration to your woman and not others. One of the things I love about Steve is, he has eyes only for me (unless we are in a poly relationship). Other women don’t get leared at, flirted with or fancied. To me that is a very attractive attribute.

Is it the power exchange that brings about her unquestionable obedience? The reason I ask is, I’m not submissive but within my relationship I’m absolutely inspired to make his life good. He never coerces me, bullies me or demands anything of me but he does expect me to be the same person he met, fell in love with and married. He is more than happy to make the bed or wash the dishes but I only work a few hours a week out of the home so I never expect him to do those things. I never complain when he doesn't. Steve is actually a very intolerant man. He doesn’t suffer fools and he can’t abide rudeness. I have a healthy respect for intolerances because he’s such a great guy, such a doer; why would I ever do something to annoy the man I admire so much? This has nothing to do with P/E and all to do with respect within a very balanced household.

What he doesn’t ever do is take advantage of my keen and willing nature. If I were a submissive I would float around in a blissful union with him. I’m not submissive and I still float around in that blissful union; we both do. Within our poly relationship he never really treated the submissive differently to how he treats me but she would see all his attributes as dominant whereas I don’t.

I suppose what I'm saying is, there is a very subtle healthy dominance going on within our four walls and you don't even have to be submissive to respond to it in a very positive way.

< Message edited by MariaB -- 11/9/2014 1:01:02 PM >

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 1:23:18 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		^ Maria is much better at expressing what I was also getting at.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 1:52:20 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Firstly, there is nothing prickish about showing adoration to your woman and not others. One of the things I love about Steve is, he has eyes only for me (unless we are in a poly relationship). Other women don’t get leared at, flirted with or fancied. To me that is a very attractive attribute.

Is it the power exchange that brings about her unquestionable obedience? The reason I ask is, I’m not submissive but within my relationship I’m absolutely inspired to make his life good. He never coerces me, bullies me or demands anything of me but he does expect me to be the same person he met, fell in love with and married. He is more than happy to make the bed or wash the dishes but I only work a few hours a week out of the home so I never expect him to do those things. I never complain when he doesn't. Steve is actually a very intolerant man. He doesn’t suffer fools and he can’t abide rudeness. I have a healthy respect for intolerances because he’s such a great guy, such a doer; why would I ever do something to annoy the man I admire so much? This has nothing to do with P/E and all to do with respect within a very balanced household.

What he doesn’t ever do is take advantage of my keen and willing nature. If I were a submissive I would float around in a blissful union with him. I’m not submissive and I still float around in that blissful union; we both do. Within our poly relationship he never really treated the submissive differently to how he treats me but she would see all his attributes as dominant whereas I don’t.

I suppose what I'm saying is, there is a very subtle healthy dominance going on within our four walls and you don't even have to be submissive to respond to it in a very positive way.


I'm going to answer that sideway, because I suspect you are going to get it without pages of blather.

Years ago my x-wife had to have gallbladder surgery. Her mother was 1200 miles away and called to see how things were going... she didn't know about the surgery. I told her that the X was in surgery for a brain tumor... I said this because I knew her mother quite well. Naturally she panicked and I gave her about three minutes of total panic and then told her I was kidding, that she was just having gallbladder surgery. Her mom said, okay, let me know how it goes.

Now, unquestionable obedience is a must have for me. I doubt I'll ever have my minions nuke China, but I know if I tell them to then China is gunna get nuked. By establishing that line up front I never have to question it or engage in a power struggle because I. Do. Not. Power. Struggle.

_____________________________

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 3:52:57 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

In my experience and observation of those with D/s relationships around me, you lose the vice versa. That is your submission, putting your shit on the back burner while the dom gets catered to and cared for. The Dom is the Sun and the stars and you don't get to have wants or desires.




I keep going back to this, because the "vice versa TPE relationship" is the type of D/s relationship I've always been in. I've not had to put anything on the back burner ... he was catered to and cared for as was I.
It was to both our benefits and that of our relationship to make sure that each of us had our needs and wants taken care of. However, when he said jump, I jumped. I didn't ask how high.

And off topic, shiftw, I think it's so cool that you run a restaurant ... I've been catering for over 20 years (on the side).

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RE: Kontrol - 11/9/2014 6:19:19 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Thanks! catering is a rough game, nothing but respect from me.

Idk, I just got burned, and now I'm much less inclined to TPE. I just think some D/s naturally happens within a relationship. Current man just doesn't rule over me, just certain things, and I dominate other aspects. He rules the sex, and I love that.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/10/2014 5:28:47 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Firstly, there is nothing prickish about showing adoration to your woman and not others. One of the things I love about Steve is, he has eyes only for me (unless we are in a poly relationship). Other women don’t get leared at, flirted with or fancied. To me that is a very attractive attribute.

Is it the power exchange that brings about her unquestionable obedience? The reason I ask is, I’m not submissive but within my relationship I’m absolutely inspired to make his life good. He never coerces me, bullies me or demands anything of me but he does expect me to be the same person he met, fell in love with and married. He is more than happy to make the bed or wash the dishes but I only work a few hours a week out of the home so I never expect him to do those things. I never complain when he doesn't. Steve is actually a very intolerant man. He doesn’t suffer fools and he can’t abide rudeness. I have a healthy respect for intolerances because he’s such a great guy, such a doer; why would I ever do something to annoy the man I admire so much? This has nothing to do with P/E and all to do with respect within a very balanced household.

What he doesn’t ever do is take advantage of my keen and willing nature. If I were a submissive I would float around in a blissful union with him. I’m not submissive and I still float around in that blissful union; we both do. Within our poly relationship he never really treated the submissive differently to how he treats me but she would see all his attributes as dominant whereas I don’t.

I suppose what I'm saying is, there is a very subtle healthy dominance going on within our four walls and you don't even have to be submissive to respond to it in a very positive way.


I'm going to answer that sideway, because I suspect you are going to get it without pages of blather.

Years ago my x-wife had to have gallbladder surgery. Her mother was 1200 miles away and called to see how things were going... she didn't know about the surgery. I told her that the X was in surgery for a brain tumor... I said this because I knew her mother quite well. Naturally she panicked and I gave her about three minutes of total panic and then told her I was kidding, that she was just having gallbladder surgery. Her mom said, okay, let me know how it goes.
e.


You suspected wrong...I didn't get it!


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RE: Kontrol - 11/10/2014 2:29:43 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

Firstly, there is nothing prickish about showing adoration to your woman and not others. One of the things I love about Steve is, he has eyes only for me (unless we are in a poly relationship). Other women don’t get leared at, flirted with or fancied. To me that is a very attractive attribute.

Is it the power exchange that brings about her unquestionable obedience? The reason I ask is, I’m not submissive but within my relationship I’m absolutely inspired to make his life good. He never coerces me, bullies me or demands anything of me but he does expect me to be the same person he met, fell in love with and married. He is more than happy to make the bed or wash the dishes but I only work a few hours a week out of the home so I never expect him to do those things. I never complain when he doesn't. Steve is actually a very intolerant man. He doesn’t suffer fools and he can’t abide rudeness. I have a healthy respect for intolerances because he’s such a great guy, such a doer; why would I ever do something to annoy the man I admire so much? This has nothing to do with P/E and all to do with respect within a very balanced household.

What he doesn’t ever do is take advantage of my keen and willing nature. If I were a submissive I would float around in a blissful union with him. I’m not submissive and I still float around in that blissful union; we both do. Within our poly relationship he never really treated the submissive differently to how he treats me but she would see all his attributes as dominant whereas I don’t.

I suppose what I'm saying is, there is a very subtle healthy dominance going on within our four walls and you don't even have to be submissive to respond to it in a very positive way.


I'm going to answer that sideway, because I suspect you are going to get it without pages of blather.

Years ago my x-wife had to have gallbladder surgery. Her mother was 1200 miles away and called to see how things were going... she didn't know about the surgery. I told her that the X was in surgery for a brain tumor... I said this because I knew her mother quite well. Naturally she panicked and I gave her about three minutes of total panic and then told her I was kidding, that she was just having gallbladder surgery. Her mom said, okay, let me know how it goes.
e.


You suspected wrong...I didn't get it!



I don't get it either. I only get it far enough to feel my stomach turn at such behavior.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Kontrol - 11/10/2014 3:45:20 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		ET; by rights I mean "you do all the housework while I lay around on the couch and then I'm going to bitch because you're too tired to want sex". The guys who think d/s means he doesn't need any communication or relationship skills, he can just order her to shut up and give him a blow job and expect her to be happy like that.

The Man wants to know what problems there are so he can solve them. He wants to know where my lines are so he isn't going to cause a health problem. Basically he's Harry Truman as President. The buck stops on his desk and that's exactly how he wants it.

He pretty much gets total obedience but that's because he's earned it through him explaining his decision making process so that I learned he was trustworthy to gather all the info and make the best possible decision for everyone being impacted. Not just for him while to hell with the other members of the family.

If he wakes me up and says get dressed, I am going to need to know if I should be in a dress and heels or jeans and sneakers. You want me ready for what you have planned, you have to give me sufficient info.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/11/2014 9:07:31 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Honestly...this is mostly how my relationship is outside the bedroom. Except I don't really have rules I have to follow (i.e. Dinner on the table by 6:30). I mean the only difference is he also has to kinda answer to me. If he is going out with a friend and will be late, he texts me.

Is that the only difference here?


He always calls or texts if he's going to be late. He doesn't have to but he does, that's just common courtesy. If I say I'll be home between 5 and 5:30 but I don't show up until 7 and didn't call or text to let him know I was going to be late, there are going to be consequences for me to face. He doesn't have to answer to me, I do have to answer to him.

The power exchange for us is, whatever he wants from me, he gets without hesitation, without questioning him, without bitching about it. If he woke me up at 3 a.m. and told me to iron his shirt or scrub the kitchen floor, I would do it. If he told me to spend the day nude or sleep in the guest room or paint the bathroom, I would do it.

Someone spending a weekend with us wouldn't notice anything different than spending a weekend with anyone else. His rules and rituals are set, they are clearly understood by me and followed through with so it's not like he's constantly giving me orders or reminding me to do X, Y or Z. When he does give me an order or tells me to do/don't do X, Y or Z, he expects me to obey him.

With all that said, if he told me to do something that I didn't feel I could physically or emotionally handle, I can easily talk to him about it. He knows me very well so that's not usually an issue. Only once he told me to do something that I knew I would not be able to handle emotionally, I told him why and he was fine with it.


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RE: Kontrol - 11/11/2014 11:23:08 AM   
starkem


Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Control is a relative term. Someone may try and bait you that any compromise, communication and consent is not truly a dominant trait. I find these hardcore types to have a personality flaw of insecurity. However, beyond my biased opinion of them, I see the ACCURACY to which they have attributed to the relativity of the dominant or submissive role, respectively. Where they are put to scrutiny is when they find mostly all others to be nonchalant rather customizing the lifestyle to ones own desired benefit amongst all parties involved. After all, who wants a tyrant? ;)

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 7:51:09 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I like control but not micromanagement. That's my preference. Almost every submissive...friend or potential partner...learns that about me during initial conversations.

I like to talk...a lot. I want them to know who and what I am as a person as well as a Dominant. I want them to know what my expectations are upfront, and to know what those will become as we progress further. Upfront, I expect common courtesy and civility. Later, I expect respect once it's earned. I always expect clarity in communication. While I understand fitness as a flirtatious device, it doesn't help during serious conversation. One aspect of control I do use...And some people don't see this and would likely not be a match...is the assumption that, at least in your core, that you are an adult and can proceed in that manner with the relationship betterment in your focus, within your place in it, in sight just as it is in mine.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 9:56:06 AM   
UnholyBear


Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

....Upfront, I expect common courtesy and civility. Later, I expect respect once it's earned. I always expect clarity in communication.





It is for this which I believe is the cornerstone for many, if not most relationships that are based on one person having more authority than the other. From what I have observed in the dynamics of friends who have established TPE dynamics and successful ones at that. The control that the dominant exercises is not always overt and glaringly obvious. In time, it's the subtle nuances of control the dominant has created that guides both parties. This does not mean the dominant partner is always dictating every single aspect but they set the rules and guidelines to how they precieve how they want their relationship to be created and maintained and when the submissive partner has the same general goals then that dynamic will flourish and grow.



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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 10:07:33 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


So, I suppose what I am posing you with is control and freedom and how those two elements exist in your dynamic.




What an interesting topic...

For me, any power exchange relationships I have been in have developed organically. Of course, generalities are spoken about initially...but I have found that the most successful relationships I have had have not been ones where there's an initial "here's my list, take it or leave it".

Most important for me is the issue of respect. Once the initial "dance" is over, and we've decided to "see where things go"...I expect that we will have ongoing conversations about needs and desires. Certainly not about every issue, but about what one or the other considers important. I'm under no illusions that my philosophy would be everyone's cup of tea, but I don't believe that "because I said so" is an appropriate response when I sincerely ask "why?".

Insofar as some of the issues brought up in this thread go...

If he's going to be late, or plans have changed...you bet your ass that he had better let me know. Does he "have to"? Nope. Neither do I, for that matter. If he doesn't like the idea that he has to give me the same respect that I would give him under similar circumstances, he can find someone else. This is an issue of particular importance to me, so it shouldn't come as a shock that I feel this way to anyone I am with.

In terms of "unquestioned obedience"... for me, without underlying knowledge of where my Dom is coming from, this will never work. Again, this goes back to things "developing". Sure, he may have a clear picture in his mind...but unless he shares it, I will have issues.

I keep going back to the comment about being woken up at 3 AM to iron a shirt. I would only hope that there would be some reason for this. And a reason that I will know about. "Oh shit...have to make a flight at 6 and totally forgot to iron my shirts". In that case, I will have the ironing board out and the iron heating up before he can open his eyes. If it's just "because he said so"... not so much.

Shifty brought up "trust issues". Some may view my comments here in the same way. "Well, if you trust him, what's the issue?". My issue is that, over the course of time, I've come to realize what is important *to me* as a submissive woman. Fundamentally, the idea that I'm respected for what I do and give is paramount to me. I really don't ask for much, but I probably ask for more than a lot of submissives. My view, at the end of the day, is there is always the "exit door" for both parties.


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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 11:20:00 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UnholyBear

It is for this which I believe is the cornerstone for many, if not most relationships that are based on one person having more authority than the other. From what I have observed in the dynamics of friends who have established TPE dynamics and successful ones at that. The control that the dominant exercises is not always overt and glaringly obvious. In time, it's the subtle nuances of control the dominant has created that guides both parties. This does not mean the dominant partner is always dictating every single aspect but they set the rules and guidelines to how they precieve how they want their relationship to be created and maintained and when the submissive partner has the same general goals then that dynamic will flourish and grow.




Re posted because this ^ post says so much in such a simple and short way. Thanks Bear


< Message edited by MariaB -- 11/12/2014 11:21:02 AM >

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